To be perfectly happy with how I spend time with my baby- MIL Issues

[Shruggs]

I need some perspective as I’m absolutely seething which could be blinding my judgement.

I have a 4 month old DD. MIL has always been very involved in her life, as she should be and as I want her to be. DD is her first grandchild.

We have quite a busy little time of things. DD goes to a baby group every week. We also meet up at least once a week with my friends who have older kids, go to soft play while we have coffee and DD enjoys cuddles, go to cafes. We don’t go on many walks, though, as DD hates the pram but she will tolerate the carrier for about an hour or so- DH usually takes her in this when we go out together. We’ve also taken her out for family meals, pub lunches etc.

However, it has come to my attention that MIL has been telling friends and family that she’s ‘worried’ about me as I ‘never go out’, I ‘always have the baby and I never take her anywhere’, I ‘never leave her with anyone’, I ‘should be forcing her to go in the pram and putting her outside to cry so she gets used to it as that’s what she did with DH’, ‘the carrier is just making her rely on me and DH too much’, etc. It’s all utter bollocks- I’m not depressed at all, we do go out and I’ve had a couple of nights out since she’s been born, including staying overnight, without her, at a wedding when she was a month old (my mum had her overnight). I’ve got a spa weekend with the girls booked for this month too!

I believe the real issue is that she isn’t the one being asked to look after DD when I do these things- it’s DH (I mean, he is her father, and I return the favour for him.) She’s desperate to babysit- she’s looked after her for a few hours here and there (the same amount as my mum has because we have been conscious to make things fair) but that doesn’t seem to be enough so now she’s made up this narrative to try to convince
me/herself that I need to leave my DD more (with her, preferably).

I honestly don’t know what more I should be doing in her eyes. I already feel I have a good balance of me time and baby time- making sure I’m still seeing friends with/without baby. Yes, the days can be long and difficult as DD is a fussy baby but I’m on maternity leave for a reason plus she’s still only four months old ffs!! The past week has been particularly difficult as she’s been ill so, I’m fairness, she hasn’t been out but I don’t want her getting worse! We should hopefully be back to baby group again next week when she’s better.

I’m seething with this false narrative she’s constructed but also wondering if I could/should be doing something different!? DH is supportive of me and tries to correct his mother when she’s saying this shit but that still won’t stop her blabbing this crap to family.

God I’m so sorry that’s so long!

I'd advise what I did as it worked for me.

"DH, you need to gave a very stern word with your mother about her running her mouth. Because if you don't make her stop ill be telling her. And I promise you will do it a lot more gently and nicer than I will. And I won't be happy about doing it"

you’re doing just fine, in fact probably better than fine! My only recommendation is that you tune out all the nonsense she talks. Unfortunately some people like to rabbit on and you probably can’t stop her.

You’re doing fine! Your baby is 4 months old - she’s brand new. You’ve got an absolute right to do things the way that suits you.

Anyway, what your Dd needs, likes or dislikes now might not last long - she might love being in a pushchair later on, for example. You never know what each stage will bring.

But I’d also get your DH to have a word in the way suggested above.

Just tell everyone you don't tell mil your entire itinerary and shake your head knowingly.

Say you're loving mum life nd baby is thriving. That's all anyone needs to know

Spend the next week putting your entire days on social media... Maybe ask mil if she is unwell as she is making up stuff that simply isn't true... And avoid her until she apologises..

Oh and your dd def doesn't need a person who isn't good for your mh in her life.. Dgps aren't given any legal rights for a reason. Nice addition but non essential..

4 months is brand new, my baby is 3.5 months and we are very baby left because if he doesn't like something it's very instinctive and can't be trained out of him yet! He didn't like the bassinet setting of his pram and my mother said oh must take him out he won't cry for long ... yes he would because he has reflux and its uncomfortable lying on his back! We changed to a more upright setting and he now likes the pram enough to sleep in, no force necessary. You're doing the right thing, your MIL sounds old school and they get very touchy when their way of parenting are questioned or revised at all, even when it's official guidelines that change due to actual evidence and scientific research.

Agree with pp, your DH needs to let her know that her words behind your back have reached you and that she needs to a)stop and b)apologise.

Getting out and about at this early stage is more for the mothers mental health than the babies, if you're happy in your home then that's fantastic and baby will be happy being with you wherever.

Baby led not left*

My babies barely left my side for the first 6 months. Your MIL is being ridiculous and your DH needs to have a word with her. Your baby is far too young to be left with anyone other than DH really and you know it. It will be stressful for the baby.

Start telling the family you are concerned about mil as she seems confused. Give a few examples.

This.

You are doing a great job.

Your MIL has an agenda and her criticisms of you are very distasteful and say so much about HER.

You can be sure those she is speaking to are likely raising their eyes to heaven.

Do not allow her to upset you.
Do not pay her any attention.
Do not change what you are doing.

I would be wary of her.

Far better for your baby that her father gets used to minding her on his own that her grandmother.

Long term it will be far better for the baby if her father is confident looking after them.

I wouldn't be leaving my baby with her to be fair, anyone who still thinks it's acceptable to leave babies in prams down the bottom of the garden to cry because it's good for them would not be getting unsupervised contact.

You don’t need to prove anything. Just take no notice (easier said than done I know).
i let my mil upset me with her opinions and ways when my ds was born. I wish I’d told her to f off quite frankly.

It sounds like you're doing absolutely brilliantly.

Ignore the hell out of it, or tell DH to tell her as above. But don't be pressured into letting her babysit if you don't want to. Nobody (but her father) babysat my DD until she was nine months, and even then it was only two hours. DS is five months and nobody has babysat yet. I didn't and don't see the need. I want the time with them!

Congratulations on your DD!

Thanks all. I’m glad it’s not just me! I was beginning to think I am just being very defensive and therefore unreasonable in my anger! DH is supportive but slightly pissed off at me as he says her comments just come from a place of ‘concern’ where I think, if she really was concerned, she’d be speaking to me and not everyone else. He says she’s very supportive and will always be there for us so is hurt that I’m basically ranting and raving about how angry I am.

I like your response @Wibblywobblylikejelly - definitely telling DH this!

Also, doesn’t help that on the datsDH has had her to himself, he’s invited MIL around to help or taken her to her house, so has never actually done it on his own. Maybe this is something we need to look at going forward too.

@sandyhappypeople This is also true! The way she sometimes speaks to her is as if she is crying to purposely be difficult. It really grates on me.

Well done you are doing so, so well!

if you can manage to then take absolutely no notice of her. Hard to do I know and my MIL still makes my blood pressure go up when I hear her voice over the phone or know she’s coming to see us! I’ve tried not to mind but it’s really the best thing if you can.

Has noone told her we don't leave babies on prams on their own anymore, to cry where you can't hear them?
It was apalling then and it's still apalling

Ignore her as much as you can. What you’re doing sounds fine and in any case if you are happy that’s the main thing. My babies were ebf and with me all the time. Some weeks we went out loads, some weeks we hardly went out. If you’re happy, it’s irrelevant what she or anyone thinks. I do like the suggestion about posting all your activities on Facebook for a week though. And yes, your husband needs to look after the baby on his own.

Honestly if you were keeping your baby to yourself that would be fine! You’re her mother and she’s only a few months old.

It sounds like you have more of a husband problem. He should NOT be pissed at you over this. And it’s concerning he can’t look after his child without his mother’s help….

I'd ask your husband to let her know that all of this gossiping has been fed back to you.

Also is she 95 years old thinking it's a good idea to leave a baby in a pram to cry?

This is perfect - well done!

How are you hearing these comments? They sound unhelpful and not something that you need taking up your headspace when you are caring for a new baby (and doing a great job by the sounds of it)! Maybe tell whoever is passing this on to you that it's stressing you out and you'd rather not be told?