To be perfectly happy with how I spend time with my baby- MIL Issues

[Shruggs]

I need some perspective as I’m absolutely seething which could be blinding my judgement.

I have a 4 month old DD. MIL has always been very involved in her life, as she should be and as I want her to be. DD is her first grandchild.

We have quite a busy little time of things. DD goes to a baby group every week. We also meet up at least once a week with my friends who have older kids, go to soft play while we have coffee and DD enjoys cuddles, go to cafes. We don’t go on many walks, though, as DD hates the pram but she will tolerate the carrier for about an hour or so- DH usually takes her in this when we go out together. We’ve also taken her out for family meals, pub lunches etc.

However, it has come to my attention that MIL has been telling friends and family that she’s ‘worried’ about me as I ‘never go out’, I ‘always have the baby and I never take her anywhere’, I ‘never leave her with anyone’, I ‘should be forcing her to go in the pram and putting her outside to cry so she gets used to it as that’s what she did with DH’, ‘the carrier is just making her rely on me and DH too much’, etc. It’s all utter bollocks- I’m not depressed at all, we do go out and I’ve had a couple of nights out since she’s been born, including staying overnight, without her, at a wedding when she was a month old (my mum had her overnight). I’ve got a spa weekend with the girls booked for this month too!

I believe the real issue is that she isn’t the one being asked to look after DD when I do these things- it’s DH (I mean, he is her father, and I return the favour for him.) She’s desperate to babysit- she’s looked after her for a few hours here and there (the same amount as my mum has because we have been conscious to make things fair) but that doesn’t seem to be enough so now she’s made up this narrative to try to convince
me/herself that I need to leave my DD more (with her, preferably).

I honestly don’t know what more I should be doing in her eyes. I already feel I have a good balance of me time and baby time- making sure I’m still seeing friends with/without baby. Yes, the days can be long and difficult as DD is a fussy baby but I’m on maternity leave for a reason plus she’s still only four months old ffs!! The past week has been particularly difficult as she’s been ill so, I’m fairness, she hasn’t been out but I don’t want her getting worse! We should hopefully be back to baby group again next week when she’s better.

I’m seething with this false narrative she’s constructed but also wondering if I could/should be doing something different!? DH is supportive of me and tries to correct his mother when she’s saying this shit but that still won’t stop her blabbing this crap to family.

I think the anger is coming from the fact that she is lying. I’m happy for family members to get in touch, but when they tell me I’m so lonely and I never go anywhere, which is all false, and has come from what MIL has told them, surely I’m allowed to be angry? Are you telling me you wouldn’t be angry that someone was completely making stuff up about you?

I'd want to counter that with "yes I'm really worried about MIL, I've told her all the many things I do but it's like she can't take it in and remember. It's making me really worry about her memory. It's a real shame because obviously we've been hoping she'll spend lots of time with DC but I wonder whether she'll be safe to..."

and hope that the counter narrative gets back to MIL that if she's lying about you to try and elbow her way in, that can easily backfire on her.

Plus what PPs have said about talking to your DH!

No MIL advice but with the pram have you considered changing to the seat unit attachment. DD hated being lay flat in her pram so we changed to the seat at about 18 weeks. She instantly changed from this screaming bundle of fury to a much happier baby looking around. She had good head control and the seat was only on a slight incline but just enough for her to see and be comfortable. Obviously this will depend on which pram you have.

I wouldn't make a big scene as she will just dig her heels in more firmly that you're not coping, but I'd mention it in passing to let her know that you know what she's been saying.

I might also mention a few people who I really enjoy seeing and how they will get lots of time with little one as they are so supportive.

So an adult is lying to others to convince them you are mentally unwell and isolated so that she can remove your baby from you?
She definitely doesn't sound like a safe adult to be caring for a baby.
She sounds quite unhinged and possibly dangerous if she is able to convince people.

What benefit does a baby have with anyone other than their mum anyway? Can she breastfeed?

All I notice is what a hindrance she's implying your child is to you and no benefits to your baby.

I profoundly disagree with this. All was well with mine but unhelpful suggestions and inaccurate assumptions enraged me. I responded (and still do) very badly to any inference that I’m struggling or need pity - a legacy of infertility, maybe. I have sons and know that I must never be this type of MIL.

If mine had been telling family members that I never go out, I’d have responded very assertively.

Of course. So your husband really hasn't ever cared for the baby by himself. I would be fuming about this alone.

Your husband and your mother-in-law need to know that she is on very thin ice.

And that was most definitely not any form of PND in me, and there’s no evidence it is in OP - just annoyance that someone is sticking their oar in.

I have a 4 month old & have never left her so you're doing fine. But know all about "helpful" MIL comments 🙄 mine really scathingly asked me the other day 'don't you get bored just sitting around the house all day' ... 1. We go out everyday so no. 2. Says the woman that was a SAHM until her youngest was 24!!

Could you find a more patronising, condescending way to twist everything OP says to make her look unreasonable?
A prime example of manipulative behaviour!

I got this kind of advice from my own parents when my first baby was born five years ago, they were in their 60's at the time. It's still pretty common advice to get from the older generations. My mum told me that we don't need to pick him up every time he cries, you're making a rod for your own back, it's fine for them to cry themselves to sleep etc. This was when he was still just a few weeks old. Unhelpful and totally at odds with today's advice which I think makes them a bit defensive about how they treated their own babies. My mind boggles that so many people thought that was okay and how much that has changed now.
Anyway I digress , I understand why you're mad with her, she is telling people things that aren't true which is very infuriating. If she was concerned that would be fine but making things up sounds more like enjoying a bit of drama. I do think your DH needs to put her straight.

@bambialoo Haha I just popped back to say this really resonates with me as my MIL was also a SAHM until DH was 18 and was so judgemental when I said I would be going back to work after Mat leave as I ‘shouldn’t want to leave my baby’… now she’s totally reversed! Ahh MILs! Glad it’s not just me.

I also had a refluxy baby and of course she won't like to lie flat in the pram! The sling/carrier is definitely your friend until her digestive system has matured a bit - and if it's really driving you up the wall/causing her distress then go to the GP: mine was really really helpful.

Like yours, my MIL seemed to see me as an obstacle between her and the baby in the early days. I thought becoming the mother of her grandchild would bring us closer together, and I was so keen to facilitate a relationship between her and my daughter, but actually she seemed to really resent that I was the one with the authority. Constant veiled digs about how we did things, implying that we were fussy and over-protective when we were simply following guidelines for things like safe sleep or introducing solids. My partner also didn't like it but he found it much easier to just shrug her off - she's his mum after all - and I don't think he quite grasped how difficult it was for me to do the same.

^ just saying all this to validate your experience, tbh. I find that some new grandmas can get a bit like this. If it helps, once my daughter became a toddler and could spend actually rewarding 1:1 time with MIL - ie once she was actually developmentally capable of the relationship MIL had wanted all along! - things got much better. She still slightly sees me as a complication rather than a parent with authority, but she gets more of the grandchild hit she wanted, so it's less fraught. Hold tight. It does get better. You sound like you're doing everything just right for you and your very new baby.

@ladycarlotta Thank you for putting it so well- this is exactly it. It’s nice to hear that things can improve and I do want her to have a good relationship with DD.

Every time you hear one of these comments whether it’s from a family member or her just say “how spiteful, why would you say that?”

id also tell your DH that up until now you’ve been trying to make things fair for both sets of grandparents, but if she keeps on upsetting you and cay stress and upset that won’t continue.

he needs to get his mother in line

OP,

You really are doing great.

No one likes unasked for advice, especially the batshit type or to hear that they are being gossiped about.

Your husband calling on his mother every time he has the baby is concerning.

Surely a good father wants to learn to care for their own child?

Unless he intend to pass the baby to his mum whenever you are not around?

I think you have MIL problems and it will likely get worse.

Put her on an information diet.

Every comment that is said back to you, raise your eyes to heaven and shake your head. That will convey a lot.

Spend time with your mother as and when you like.

MIL who would be gossiping like that about you are unlikely to be someone you will find a genuine support from.

See her with your husband.

Do not be undermined or influenced by her.

Would your husband be happy at YOUR telling all the family that she was concerned about him being a very poor father who can't mind the baby on his own for 5 minutes?

Would he like to ve gossiped about?

Turn it back on him and ask him if he is ok if your mother behaves like that?

Do not allow your husband to undermine you via his mother.
YOU get to decide what you will accept behaviour wise from your MIL, not him.

Why are you worried what she thinks.
It's your life.

Tell the family not to tell you either they are at fault for relaying this to you.

Your making this into more of a stress than you need too.

Life becomes better when you don't care and don't react.

You are doing just fine!
Your MiL however is a interfering, out of touch busy body.
Get DH to have a word.

Sadly whilst it shouldn't have to be the case, you will have to grow quite a back bone with a MIL like that (speaking from experience- we are currently NC due to her spreading lies about us around the family last year, which turned some against us) 🤦‍♀️ It is good that your DH supports you- that makes SUCH a difference.

You clearly already know she is wrong, and you don't need to listen to any of what she is saying because you know as a good mum that it wouldn't be positive for your baby's emotional needs and developing secure attachment anyway.All she cares about is her own selfish gain from getting lots of cuddles, not your baby's welfare.

Tell her to go get a pet!