To be perfectly happy with how I spend time with my baby- MIL Issues

[Shruggs]

I need some perspective as I’m absolutely seething which could be blinding my judgement.

I have a 4 month old DD. MIL has always been very involved in her life, as she should be and as I want her to be. DD is her first grandchild.

We have quite a busy little time of things. DD goes to a baby group every week. We also meet up at least once a week with my friends who have older kids, go to soft play while we have coffee and DD enjoys cuddles, go to cafes. We don’t go on many walks, though, as DD hates the pram but she will tolerate the carrier for about an hour or so- DH usually takes her in this when we go out together. We’ve also taken her out for family meals, pub lunches etc.

However, it has come to my attention that MIL has been telling friends and family that she’s ‘worried’ about me as I ‘never go out’, I ‘always have the baby and I never take her anywhere’, I ‘never leave her with anyone’, I ‘should be forcing her to go in the pram and putting her outside to cry so she gets used to it as that’s what she did with DH’, ‘the carrier is just making her rely on me and DH too much’, etc. It’s all utter bollocks- I’m not depressed at all, we do go out and I’ve had a couple of nights out since she’s been born, including staying overnight, without her, at a wedding when she was a month old (my mum had her overnight). I’ve got a spa weekend with the girls booked for this month too!

I believe the real issue is that she isn’t the one being asked to look after DD when I do these things- it’s DH (I mean, he is her father, and I return the favour for him.) She’s desperate to babysit- she’s looked after her for a few hours here and there (the same amount as my mum has because we have been conscious to make things fair) but that doesn’t seem to be enough so now she’s made up this narrative to try to convince
me/herself that I need to leave my DD more (with her, preferably).

I honestly don’t know what more I should be doing in her eyes. I already feel I have a good balance of me time and baby time- making sure I’m still seeing friends with/without baby. Yes, the days can be long and difficult as DD is a fussy baby but I’m on maternity leave for a reason plus she’s still only four months old ffs!! The past week has been particularly difficult as she’s been ill so, I’m fairness, she hasn’t been out but I don’t want her getting worse! We should hopefully be back to baby group again next week when she’s better.

I’m seething with this false narrative she’s constructed but also wondering if I could/should be doing something different!? DH is supportive of me and tries to correct his mother when she’s saying this shit but that still won’t stop her blabbing this crap to family.

Your MIL sounds like mine 😀 My DS is 1 and I've never been away from him overnight and have no intentions to. I'm only away from him now I've gone back to work, the rest of the time he's with me. I just nod politely at my MIL. There would be a big falling out if DH told her off for some of her comments. I just work on the basis that she's the one who misses out, as she's not very nice to me and as such we don't see her as often.

I don’t think you should put a baby outside to cry . I do think a walk os fab for kids . This is a Great time of year for walks . Fresh autumn days .
I suppose walking is better then Cars and back in the say everyone loves getting out with their pram.
Maybe it’s a different in times .

Saying that it is your baby so you make the choices . I’d tell mil your happy for her to take did a walk anytime . That’s should keep her quiet .

I'd be talking directly to MIL, next time you see her I'd simply say that you've heard gossip that she's been saying X, Y and Z and to please not gossip about you behind your back. You're more than comfortable with yours and dh parenting skills and to pack it in. If she has concerns then to come directly to you. You don't want to fall out over this but you will if she doesn't stop gossiping about you.

@Milkybarsareonmeeeee I love walking and especially at this time of year but DD really doesn’t tolerate the pram very well - she can manage about 10 minutes before a crying fit. I really wish she was one of those chilled babies you see, sleeping or smiling in the pram, but she just isn’t. She prefers to be pushed around in her car seat, attached to the pram frame but I don’t like leaving her in there for too long.

That being said, she does tolerate the carrier a bit better so I need to learn how to use it and get her out with it myself. At the moment, we only use it when it’s me & DH and he wears it, so at least I could go out for a walk- I do miss that some days.

@CurbsideProphet I think this will be the way going forward - DH has said he’ll have a word with her but I don’t think her unwanted opinions/gossiping will ever stop so I will just have to be careful about what I share with her and she might miss out, which is sad but the only way I’ll keep my sanity.

@Shruggs I wouldn't share anything with her tbh and leave your DH to do the communicating with his mum. You've got enough to do 🙂

Just for what it’s worth, the fussiness and not liking to lie flat in a pram was my DS too, after 6 months when he could sit up in a pram and look around we walked for miles. Looking back I think he had silent reflux…

This doesn’t help with your MIL issues, but if your DD is fine in the car seat attached to the buggy frame it sounds like she just finds the pram uncomfortable. Maybe look at trying a different kind? We switched at about this age to the babyzen yoyo and DS was so much more comfortable.

You're out every day! I could understand if you were sat in front of the TV and not doing anything if she was genuinely concerned but this is her being unhelpful.
Does she say this to you directly?

Who is telling you these things? They are your problem.

Everyone should be free to share concerns - post natal depression and anxiety are common - with someone close to them, and talk things over. That should be in confidence and not passed back to the person concerned unless in a caring way. This sounds more like stirring. If it's actually your partner telling you, is this his way of raising concerns with you?

It is not for you to tell your husband how he parents his child when you are not there, either. Can you imagine him saying you shouldn't be meeting up with family and should be parenting the baby by yourself. It's odd that you even think of doing that - a controlling tendency.

Yes, this. We have had a strict ‘news management’ approach for years, in our case mostly on the occasional illness - couldn’t cope with the frequent calls so worried as though they were seriously ill. Best say as little as possible, but your DH needs to realise that this type of talking to other family members will not end well.

Only thing I’d add is that babies and toddlers are meant to get 1 hour of fresh air a day - many studies show it helps their circadian rhythm and increases their IQ. But get out as it suits you, not your MIL!

Your MIL would hate me. The first time I was separated from DS at all day or night was when he was 8 months old (and that was for 1 hour!). He is 6 now and has had one overnight in his own house that we went away. He was also in the carrier or sling for the best part of a year. I was much more easy going about DS2 and had to go back to work when he was just 3 months.

I can tell its not how MIL would have done it and SIL is the opposite with her DC but she was gracious enough just to offer support when needed. Now all these years on its a running joke that I like to have the kids close.

Thanks for the suggestions about the pram- it is possible that she is uncomfortable. She has reflux so I think she’ll be happier when she can sit in an upright position.

@smilesup No she doesn’t say it directly- that’s part of where I feel she can’t be genuinely concerned or she’d speak to me. She does make passive aggressive comments in DD’s voice though, but that’s a whole other thread!

@PosterBoy Other family members have told me, distant cousins etc. suddenly asking me do I want to go out for the day with them as I ‘never go out’ which made me wonder where they got that impression- like I said, we’re out most days with friends/baby groups and even if we were home (which we will be more now that the weather’s getting worse) so what?

I disagree that I’m telling my husband how to parent his child- I have never told him what to do with DD/where to go. I’m just saying that, on the days he has DD alone, he always asks MIL around to help. Maybe she feels that, because I’m not asking for her help when I have DD alone, I’m not coping, for this reason? I also don’t think it’s a bad idea for my DH to become more confident at caring for his DD. ’Controlling’ is a bit inflammatory.

@Rugbee Thst is interesting- thanks. I’ll definitely consider this going into autumn and make sure we get out, whatever the weather.

Also like the idea of a ‘news management’ approach to calm things down.

If your dd has reflux that will be why she doesn't like the flat pram. Once able to sit she will be much more comfortable-that's why she likes the carrier and car seat.
Ignore MIL, but I'd advise DH that if she continues, you don't feel you can trust her with your dd as she's not listening to you.
You're doing brilliant

Congratulations on your new baby!

Sounds like it’s time for MIL to feel the consequences of her actions. Your approach to that could be a reduction in the amount of info you/your husband share with her and/or a gentle chat about the untruths that are being fed back to you, to clarify that all is well. If you take the latter approach I’d make sure your husband is present to witness your reasonableness with MIL to avoid any false reporting on her part. She does have form, after all.

If she persists or inflames the situation by making it all about her and her feelings, then I’d do a tactical withdrawal and moving forward keep to a schedule of whole family duty visits from time to time.

If you as a family are happy and baby is safe. I don't see a problem, there are many baby guides etc and one solution doesn't fit all. Ignore MIL, I usually find smile and move on works well.

Limit the information your DH tells his mum, especially if she isn't able to NOT put her "concern" in.

I would think at 4 months your baby sit wants to feel snuggled -similar to womb and the carrier, carseat provides that comfort. I know little about reflux so can't comment. Enjoy the baby cuddles, in a blink of eye your have a teenager.

My baby is slightly younger than yours and I wouldn't dream of leaving her for any length of time really (she's EBF so can't really anyway!) No judgement on you at all, but surely you're on the MORE outgoing end of things having been away on your own. Your MIL has crazy expectations! As for getting out in the week, we do, but also my baby quite often watches me at home while I potter about batch cooking or cleaning and chatting to her -- they're so young that everything is educational! I also totally understand just being baby led regarding whether you use the pram. We're the opposite in that my baby hates carriers but loves the pram, and we just follow her lead.

Nothing you're doing warrants criticism, and also, how dare your MIL think she gets a say in how you bring up your baby? I think you need to be very firm with her and nip in in the bud I.e. 'well you've had your kids, and how I choose to bring up mine is my business'!

So what's happening is that family are getting in touch to see if you want some company to go out? Is this so bad? What about the other comments though - they sound very specific - who is passing those on?

You've got a difficult baby with reflux who's been ill so you haven't been out this week. Your baby can't go more than 10 minutes in a pram without crying with reflux so you only go on walks when your dh is there to take her in the baby carrier. You are seething, ranting and raving, and your dh is telling you that his mum is worried about you.

You think your dh needs to stop inviting his mother round when he's by himself with the baby.

Post natal depression takes a lot of different forms, including postpartum rage, which can be directed at other people instead of your baby.

It sounds like both your husband and mother in law have concerns, and are asking wider family to support you. You may not agree that you need more support, which is obviously fine, but if it's coming from a place of concern why the seething, ranting and raving if all is fine?

I'd ask her if she has any worries and watch her squirm!

Say something like 'is everything OK? Have you been worried about me? Its just that Doris said you're worried that I never get out. Honestly MIL, you've nothing to worry about; I do x, y and z and am very happy.'

You can clear it up while also letting her know ow that you know.

She has an agenda though and I'd be watching out for it as the years go on.

Something like this

People are different as to how much they want to go to stuff, plus the fact I think people forget what they did when their babies are v young, as opposed to near toddlers.

I would work on the pram though, that is a PITA

@PosterBoy I think the anger is coming from the fact that she is lying. I’m happy for family members to get in touch, but when they tell me I’m so lonely and I never go anywhere, which is all false, and has come from what MIL has told them, surely I’m allowed to be angry? Are you telling me you wouldn’t be angry that someone was completely making stuff up about you?

Yes, I do think DH should try to be a bit more independent when caring for his DD.

Yes, I do only go for walks in the park with DH but I also take DD out on my own to groups, soft play, shops, etc in the car seat. She hates the pram so why would I want to upset her by forcing her in it? I do think a good solution would be for me to learn how to use the carrier though. I didn’t really think it was a pressing issue as we do so much else but going for a walk in the park would be nice.

Also, forgive me for not wanting to take advice from someone who wants me to put my Dd outside in the pram to cry because that’ll make her get used to it.
I don’t have postpartum rage. I just think my MIL is spinning a bit of a narrative to try to get me to lean on her more often. The problem is, it’s having the opposite effect.

@theduchessofspork Yes the pram issue is a pain. Definitely need to work on this.

@BurbageBrook Thanks- I also feel like I go out enough and more so than my friends when they had young babies so I’m not sure how she’d feel if I was EBF and couldn’t leave her.

She is a contradictory character- she told me it was a ‘mother’s instinct’ to want to change the baby’s nappy when DH took her while we were out, but in the same breath tells me I should be leaving her more. I think I need to take what she says with a pinch of salt. It just really wound me up yesterday after one of DD’s more difficult weeks with illness.

Lots of good advice on this thread, thank you. We will work on the pram (in a compassionate way, carrier and communication going forward. I’ll leave it here now as I’ve had some great advice.