Punishment for DS12

[Str3bor]

DS is 12 and in year 7 high school, I have recently discovered that he has been burning stuff in his room, he has been using a lighter and deodorant can to and burning various things such as toys, teddy's socks etc. He has also ruined the carpet in the room which he shares with DSS, there are burn marks and parts of it is singed.

I didn't realise he was doing it as the house just smelt of deodorant, I did notice that my socks were sticking to the carpet when I walked in the room but thought they must have spilt something so it was sticky.

Anyway he has been royally shouted at, told that he could have killed us all etc, ruined things we have paid for without a care and just what has gone through his mind that he thinks that that is acceptable behaviour. I've confiscated all of things including his phone and have told him he is not allowed out for a month, he is allowed to watch TV and that's it. It has been a week and he keeps asking when he can have his phone back, I don't want to give it back too soon as he needs to understand that the punishment is serious to reflect what he has done but he also needs it for homework and I am also finding it inconvenient not being able to contact him when picking him up from school, WWYD? Partner thinks he should be banned for a month but I was thinking maybe 2 weeks but don't want to be too lenient. If I was to give the phone back he would still remain banned off everything else still for the month and he would need to give it to me at 8pm every evening.

AIBU making him go without his phone for a month?

Now you have said that you need to follow through, but it’s not a good consequence for the reasons you state (inconveniences you) and it’s not linked to the transgression. He needs to pay for the things that were burned.
We have an old school calls only phone that we can substitute for their smartphones if necessary - does anyone have one lying around?

How about getting a very cheap basic 'dumb phone' for YOUR convenience?

im not sure what I'd do, but losing his phone for a month would be the least of it.

Make him sit through the most horrifying PSAs about how dangerous fire can be in a house. Ideally in the evening so he gets plenty of chance to properly sleep on it, and internalise how serious this is.

It difficult back tracking on a consequence you have already set. Has he shown a lot of remorse and done a lot to make up for it? If he has I suppose you could hand it back and express how glad you are he has made amends and dealt with the damage he made.

To be honest as well as punishment I’d be focused on making sure he actually understood how risky what he did was. Also if he likes fire (many kids do) maybe he could actual do scouts or build a fire in the garden learning fire safety rules and when /when not to make fires.

Must have been scary. Thank god nothing worse than singed carpets happened.

I'd be absolutely raging. Does he get pocket money at all? If he does he would have lost that to pay for the replacement or cleaning (as much as possible) of the carpet. He certainly wouldn't be getting his phone until the month was up. I assume he isn't particularly remorseful seeing as he is asking for his phone back already?

I agree with what the others have said about re punishment, but I would be wondering what possessed him to start burning things

His dad is a fireman - you think he would know better! I did tell his dad and said he would speak to him.

He was upset at the time but most likely about being caught out, he has apologised and said he knows it was wrong but other than that I think he is just bored (he being assessed for ADHD so he generally cant keep still anyway!). I told him he was grounded for a month but didn't specify a time on the phone, I just said I'll see how he is and decide. He doesn't get pocket money but I've taken his birthday money off him to contribute towards the damage. I just don't want to give it back too soon as I need him to understand the seriousness of it.

You do realise your behaviour and reaction has probably made the situation worse. Inital anger yes but i'd want to get to the bottom of why he was burning stuff and if something else was going on. Punishments like this just damage the connection and make him opening up to you about the why more difficult.

I think you need to try apologising to him for your reaction and discussing the situation. Deodorant cans worry me since a friend found their 13 year old dead in their room after inhaling. If something is going on anger and punishment isnt going to help! If its a case of youthful boredom then education is key. A fitting consequence would be replacing items damaged and some education (look up fire education videos etc for something fitting to bore him.with).

Find out the why then work on amends and learning.

Sorry for the dripfeed! He has a friend from his primary school who I don't particularly like and who is quite naughty (bullies kids, says he wants to be a drug dealer when he older etc) my son is now in a different school to this kid which was part of the reason I chose a different school but he still sees him occasionally when he stays in his dads (we don't live near enough). anyway after I took his phone I seen videos where he was in this kids house filming the kid doing the same thing but setting fire to himself. Needless to say he has been banned from ever seeing this kid again. BUT my son has his own mind and needs to understand how wrong it was what he has done.

Kids do stupid things without thinking about the consequences. I don’t think I’d punish him for this. It would be different if he did it after being warned off.

If he wants to experiment with fire, let him do it safely. I very much doubt at 12 that he has a clue about the risks he was taking.

Forget punishment. You need to talk with him. Properly and calmly. Ask him why he’s doing it, what he’s feeling when he’s doing it. This is very unusual and dangerous behaviour, not just a silly tantrum. I hope you’re able to get to the bottom of it.

Punishment of phone does not teach him anything
His dad the fireman should show him round fire station and show him videos of housefires
You need to address the cause not just "punish"

I would give him the phone as you drop him at school and get it back as soon as he is home and i wouldn't be even considering letting him have it until after christmas. SO DANGEROUS - he could have killed you all or destroyed your home. I might have actually taken away every single thing if my kid did that and grounded him and made him donate all his things to someone who lost it all in a house fire. He's lucky your his mum tbh!

I'd be sticking to it, but also every time he asked I'd be adding on extra days.
If it's causing you issues picking him up just make an arrangement - I'll get you at that tree at half 3. If he's not there he can make his own way home.

Some fire brigades run Fire Setting Intervention courses for children/ teens. Might be useful- although I imagine his Dad will be in the know about such things.

I think you need to focus more on WHY and also future prevention, rather than just bollocking/punishing.

Punishment doesn't really work that well, it makes parents feel like they are 'doing something' but it doesn't change behaviour.

-Proper consequences - so financial contribution to replacing damaged items
-Education - on fire safety
-Listening to why
all work better than punishment.

Interesting his dad is a fire officer. This may be significant. Does he see his dad as much as he would want?

Also poor impulse control is a feature of ADHD so prevention of risk will need to be ramped up in your house.

From the post and your updates, this sounds serious. Focus less on punishment and more on communicating effectively with him on this. The thing about finding videos of his friend setting himself on fire and also that he used deodorant cans not just lighters/matches. Make this a real watershed moment on connecting with him, not causing a gap between you with harsh punishment.

(just to add I do think punishment is absolutely appropriate, ideally in the form of something connected to what he's done - just that the actual issues here clearly need addressing thoroughly and in a way that's more long-standing and in depth)

Personally I would give him his phone back, but keep him grounded. I would also monitor his Internet/phone usage a lot more. It's vital that he stays away from the other kid. Also try to remember that his brain is still very much developing. The reasoning part of the brain still has a long way to go in a 12 year old boy. There are a few good books about this. One is called 'Blame my brain' I'd read up as much about it as you can, the teenage years don't need to be as turbulent as lots of people say.

This is a good idea - I'm sure (if time and resources allow) his dad and his colleagues would be interested in being able to intervene in this and teaching the seriousness of fire safety. Getting the fire station staff involved would be impactful and informative, giving him an experience that could set him up for life in terms of his impulse control and sense of danger.

This is utterly harrowing, how horrendous for your friend (and you, what a traumatic event to hear of).

There’s the root of the problem, and the danger.
Cutting him off from the friend and grounding him for a month would be sufficient punishment. I’d rather tackle the dangerous behaviour to prevent it happening again. Surely his dad, as a fire officer, is the best person to do this? You need to be united on this to help him make better choices in the future.

Just want to amplify what has been said here, this is the key and clearly put: Make this a real watershed moment on connecting with him, not causing a gap between you with harsh punishment

When my daughter filled on her adhd assessment form one of the questions was whether she lights fires.

Was there a thought that setting a fire might bring his dad and firecrew round to save him?

Some people who set fires do it so they can swoop in to be a saviour. I'm wondering if his thinking is along those lines, but getting his dad to swoop in.

Sounds like you need to talk, not shout.