Punishment for DS12

[Str3bor]

DS is 12 and in year 7 high school, I have recently discovered that he has been burning stuff in his room, he has been using a lighter and deodorant can to and burning various things such as toys, teddy's socks etc. He has also ruined the carpet in the room which he shares with DSS, there are burn marks and parts of it is singed.

I didn't realise he was doing it as the house just smelt of deodorant, I did notice that my socks were sticking to the carpet when I walked in the room but thought they must have spilt something so it was sticky.

Anyway he has been royally shouted at, told that he could have killed us all etc, ruined things we have paid for without a care and just what has gone through his mind that he thinks that that is acceptable behaviour. I've confiscated all of things including his phone and have told him he is not allowed out for a month, he is allowed to watch TV and that's it. It has been a week and he keeps asking when he can have his phone back, I don't want to give it back too soon as he needs to understand that the punishment is serious to reflect what he has done but he also needs it for homework and I am also finding it inconvenient not being able to contact him when picking him up from school, WWYD? Partner thinks he should be banned for a month but I was thinking maybe 2 weeks but don't want to be too lenient. If I was to give the phone back he would still remain banned off everything else still for the month and he would need to give it to me at 8pm every evening.

AIBU making him go without his phone for a month?

Don't give In prematurely it will make you look soft and I agree with removing the ability to go on tik toc extra.
I had a friend years ago whose son was similar and had adhd. She kept smelling smoke but couldn't work out why. Turns out when he was showering he was removing the lift hatch and had a whole set up on the hatch..... ash try, tobacco, lighters etc.
She thought she was going mad. It was only because he confessed all to his much younger sister and she told their mum.
Basic everything until he can be trusted. And his dad should be round asap not ' I will have a chat with him'. There are some things you have to be a United front on and I would have thought dad would understand this is one of them....

@PutinSmellsPassItOn she said his dads a fireman...

Stick to it for a month.

Ban him from meeting that friend. Even if it means curtailing his freedoms to an extent.

Get his Dad onboard.

I’d also have a chat with the police to share the videos and messages so they can get the school / social services involved. He’s basically self-harming

I'd lock the phone right down so he can only call and message if you want him restricted for longer. But I'd be expecting him to earn money to replace the carpet.

Did he get the point though? The objective is for him to feel consequences and never do something like that again. If he's truly sorry there's no point to further punishment.

He has ADHD, shouting does nothing at all for a child, especially with ADHD, it makes them angrier if anything.
You need to be teaching him the dangers of fire. Also, why has he had freedom to get a lighter, these should be put safely away.
Roll on deodorant going forwards.
Also why is he bored? You've grounded him for a month, which will just make the boredom worse. Find things to keep ion occupied.
You need to be talking to him, asking him why he's done it? What he can do if he's feeling bored? Etc. it doesn't sound like communication is very good in your house.

And also an arsehole so not sure what good that will do.

honestly, op, this is a kid who needs to speak to a professional.

@LoneFemaleTraveller why an areehole? Am I missing something?

Obviously I understand that. Taking a bedroom door away does little to actually make the house safer, though, unless OP is constantly watching him when he's in his bedroom to make sure he's not setting something on fire.

Personally I would give him his stuff back now. It's not relevant to what he's done so it's a punishment not a consequence and probably won't help. I would probably apologise for my reaction to build bridges and connection again but stress that I reacted like that because I was scared because of how serious what he was doing is.

Personally I would make him watch some videos about the dangers of fires. Talk to him about why he did this, and I would have a rule that he is not allowed to have his bedroom door closed for a while because he can't be trusted in his room alone.

Totally!

This isn't the most direct way to approach it, but Sun Kil Moon (Mark Kozelak of Red House Painters) has written two songs based on true stories about family members dying from aerosol cans exploding in fires. 'Carissa' and 'Truck Driver' on Benji.

Worth trying perhaps - you never know what will cut through.

I’m going to try and get some time with him on his own and talk to him properly. I am debating giving him his phone back next week for school but on the basis he has to hand it back when he gets in after he has done any homework, he has been good and not tried to play on the things he is not supposed to and I think showing the dangers of fires and lighting aerosol through videos is a good idea also.