Punishment for DS12

[Str3bor]

DS is 12 and in year 7 high school, I have recently discovered that he has been burning stuff in his room, he has been using a lighter and deodorant can to and burning various things such as toys, teddy's socks etc. He has also ruined the carpet in the room which he shares with DSS, there are burn marks and parts of it is singed.

I didn't realise he was doing it as the house just smelt of deodorant, I did notice that my socks were sticking to the carpet when I walked in the room but thought they must have spilt something so it was sticky.

Anyway he has been royally shouted at, told that he could have killed us all etc, ruined things we have paid for without a care and just what has gone through his mind that he thinks that that is acceptable behaviour. I've confiscated all of things including his phone and have told him he is not allowed out for a month, he is allowed to watch TV and that's it. It has been a week and he keeps asking when he can have his phone back, I don't want to give it back too soon as he needs to understand that the punishment is serious to reflect what he has done but he also needs it for homework and I am also finding it inconvenient not being able to contact him when picking him up from school, WWYD? Partner thinks he should be banned for a month but I was thinking maybe 2 weeks but don't want to be too lenient. If I was to give the phone back he would still remain banned off everything else still for the month and he would need to give it to me at 8pm every evening.

AIBU making him go without his phone for a month?

@Str3bor Please see @Antsinmypantsneedtodance about inhaling. The other thing is that many of aerosol cans can be used as a flame thrower!

Spectacular and utterly terrifying ...

I'd take the phone away until he's older. He could do homework on a family pc or laptop, in a common area of your home where you can monitor his online activity.

I'd take the bedroom door off, for starters. And no TV either. He can read books or do chores if he's bored.

For the aerosol misuse, stop buying aerosol cans of deodorant or anything else. Remove the source of danger alongside educating him about risks.

My teen ds has done this in the past... I used to find bits of burnt paper outside his window. He likes fire and flames! It used to worry me sick and he was banned from having anything like lighters etc in his room and I hid them in the house. He's 16 now and has candles in his room and a lighter. He loves a scented candle. He is very responsible now thankfully.

We also had to ban scissors at one point as he used to cut up random stuff like socks and bedsheets. He has autism though and when younger used to do all sorts of bizarre stuff. I'm surprised our house is still standing!

This is a really nasty thing to do and can leave kids with long lasting issues around privacy. Sounds ridiculous I know, but genuinely removing kids' bedroom doors and revoking the option to have a private safe space to retreat to/relax in is really harmful, more than you'd think.

This is dreadful advice.

This sort of ongoing random punishment makes kids more angry and more bored.

Those who start fires tend to be both bored and angry.

What needs to happen is for the parent to make things better, not worse.

He is really compulsive and can be obsessive about things, he likes to, what I deem as break stuff but whenever I have asked him why he has done that he has answered in the past that he just wanted to see what was inside and how it worked. i will try and talk to him on his own at some point to make him understand the danger and also why he has done it. he just brushes me off whenever I try and talk to him.

*cestlavielife · Today 15:31

Punishment of phone does not teach him anything
His dad the fireman should show him round fire station and show him videos of housefires
You need to address the cause not just "punish"*

Its not just the fire it’s what happens if he has burnt something that smoulders and starts to smoke when you are all asleep
Its not usually the fire that kills people it’s the smoke that gets people before the fire even starts.

I think his phone needs to be monitored and other friendships fostered so that this other boy is naturally filtered out of his life and he gets role models in his life that he can model his behaviour on

Potentially burning down the house is "really harmful," too.

The family's safety must take priority over a child's "private space" for the forseeable future.

illbeinthegarden

I have a relative who would take apart his mums brand new toaster to see how it worked then couldn’t put it back together. He was 4 years old. Nothing was safe from him. He had to be monitored 24/7. His mum was upstairs putting clothes away one day and she came down to find he was taking her electric oven apart .

He did grow up and become an electrician and has done incredibly well for himself.

I personally don’t think you need to apologise for your reaction! If there was ever a time to shout this would be it…. This could have killed neighbours too, as well as your family. Of course you also need to connect and get him to understand, but I don’t think anyone could blame you for initial horror/anger….

Yes, which is why making a kid who starts fires angrier might not be the most sensible course of action.

Punishment is for the punisher's benefit. What matters here is changing the child's behaviour.

Totally agree with this.

I would be looking at something like this scheme to refer him to
https://www.london-fire.gov.uk/community/young-people/worried-about-someone-setting-fires/why-do-children-set-fires-and-signs-to-watch-out-for/#:~:text=Expert%20support%20for%20parents%2C%20carers,fire%20or%20have%20set%20fires.

I would be more concerned with why he has done this. I have would probably have come down hard but for just a fortnight instead. I would probably also instigate new rules of having to keep the bedroom door open unless he was getting changed until he could be trusted more.

Anyway after I took his phone I seen videos where he was in this kids house filming the kid doing the same thing but setting fire to himself @Str3bor please tell me you reported this to the other child's school and provided the video.

I think a harsh punishment for potentially destroying everything in your house apart from the clothes on your back and possibly the neighbours' houses too is right. As a teen I woke up to our house on fire. My Mum thought she had put the cigarette out properly. It was pure luck that I happened to wake up when I did. My siblings were asleep upstairs. We were all having lie ins because it was school holidays. It haunts me to this day.

My son used to burn things in the house . He also has severe adhd .
I got the fire service to send a guy round to show my son videos etc of consequences- burnt arms etc from lighting aerosols.

I also bought him a fire pit for the garden so he could follow his compulsions in a safer way

he is an adult now and still sometimes burns kitchen roll outside - just because he’s bored .

I'm quite old school (use the naughty step occasionally etc) but I am not sure punishment is appropriate here. I agree with PP that education on the effects of house fires is more likely to make him stop doing it again. A natural consequence is room searching/ checking that he hasn't done it again and has to stay downstairs instead of in his room until you can trust him (which I imagine a teen boy will hate). Maybe you can get him to earn his phone back etc early if he researches and presents / writes something on the danger of fires etc.

With setting fires and adhd i think id go a different way. counselling / therapy would be my forst phone call. Then filling his spare time with structured activities.

surrey council has this advice, but your local council may also have similar. https://www.surreycc.gov.uk/community/fire-and-rescue/children/children-who-set-fires#:~:text=surreycc.gov.uk-,Why%20do%20children%20and%20young%20people%20set%20fires%3F,threat%20to%20life%20and%20property.

Burning deodorant cans etc is actually really common among teenage boys. I hate that sort of thing but I know both mine have done it and I made it clear I wasn't happy. They definitely seem to go through a phase of common sense issues, and the risk part of their brain doesn't mature until early 20s. To be clear, mine never did this indoors and I only knew because they told me!

I wouldn't punish your son personally, I would just have a really serious talk about the dangers and issues of what he did. Make sure he understands that what he did is in no way acceptable, ever. Hopefully he will take note of what you say.

I'd be taking him for a visit to the fire brigade and the police, he needs professional help. This isn't just fuckwittery from a teenager, this is behaviour a boy his age should know the danger of, the fact he doesn't is extremely worrying. Don't try to handle this one by yourself op.

Do you not have smoke detectors?

How long has your dss being living with you and what does your own son feel about having to share with him?

Stop buying him deodrant and go for roll on until he can be trusted, make sure he is searched for lighters until he has gained back your trust.

I would give him his phone back when you originally planned and get him a basic non smart phone which would come in handy as a spare.

My friends done this as teens but on the bus and I was always terrified as I have a fear of fire and was always worried it would explode. I would be tempted to show him pictures of serious burns but I can be irrational when angry 😶