To feel so sad about DS never ending failed friendships

[FullMoon23]

Can I start by asking for replies to go easy, as I'm genuinely feeling really sad and low about this.
I have a beautiful 12 year old DS.
He is lovely in every way, and he's a gentle, sensitive boy.
We have a really close relationship and he's very loving, chatty, funny, interested in loads of things, clever, thoughtful, kind.
But his friendships are just 1 disaster after another and I don't know what to do about it.
In years reception to year 5 he had 2 close friends, 1 boy and 1 girl. They were great friends, they were regularly on playdates and days out together and he was really happy with them. In year 5 the girl suddennly turned on him, told him she hates him and that everyone in the class hates him, said things like his face made her feel sick, etc. It literally devastated him, he cried his eyes out, he was 9 at the time, having loved his friendship with this girl since he was 4. I tried talking to the mum, who I was friends with at the time, to try and find out what my DS had done to upset her DD but she dismissed things and the girl never spoke to my DS again, and to this day ignores him. DS was unbelievably upset and I went over things a lot with him but he was certain nothing had ever happened and he'd never done anything to cause her to say these things.
This left him with the 1 boy as a friend.
DS later, still in yr 5 aged 9, started saying he wanted to have a few more friends for variety. He was still good friends with the boy but wanted a couple of addional friends. In the middle of yr 5 he made friends with 2 new boys. He was overjoyed, so happy to have new friends. He remained friends with the boy he'd always been friends with and introduced them to each other and they started playing as a 4, having a brilliant time together and meeting up for parties and play dates outside of school.
Then in Yr 6 one of the new friends started 'dating' the girl who had turned on DS as described above. Overnight, that boy turned on DS and started saying the exact same things to my DS word for word that the girl had said to him when she turned on him: "I hate you, everyone hates you, your face makes me feel sick." And dropped him. Then the girl and that boy took the other new friend and they formed as a 3 and were vile, literally horrible to my DS and the boy he'd been friends with since reception. They made every day at school for months difficult for my DS and he spent quite a few months lonely and upset about losing these friends.
Later in year 6, DS had another boy who wanted to make friends with him. DS was reluctant at first because his confidence had taken a battering after 3 seperate friends turning on him and dumping him, but I encouraged and supported him and eventually he made a really nice friendship with this boy. They hung out together at school and did lots of activities and fun stuff outside of school together. The mum had us all round for a BBQ and kept saying her son was over the moon to have made friends with my DS. DS was really pleased and it went a long way to repairing his confidence. They remained friends through yr 6, round each other's houses a lot, and DS remained friends with his original friend from reception. At the end of yr 6 the new friend was hugging DS and saying thanks for being a great friend. That was in July. Since then he's dumped DS. He's gone to a different secondary school, told his mum he wants a fresh start and has turned down every single suggestion my DS has made for them to see each other. All the things they did together and enjoyed up until July, this boy is now saying no to. Last night whilst out for Halloween, DS bumped in to this boy who looked at DS, didn't smile back at him when DS smiled and said Hi, and walked the other way, away from DS. DS looked mortified.
Meanwhile, since starting yr 7 last month, the boy he's always been consistent friends with since reception has dumped him, and has found a new friend to hang out with. This boy, after 7 years of friendship, constantly seeing each other outside of school, has not said hello to or spoken to DS for 8 weeks and his mum, who I've been good friendswith for 7 years, has confirmed that her DS no longer wants to be friends with my DS. No explanation available upon me asking why.
DS is now completely alone in a new school and he hates it. He loves having friends. He's a really good, loyal, fun friend. He hates being alone.
I've tried really hard to encourage him to make new friends, to talk to new people, but lat night he said "What's the point? I've got used to people being mean to me now. I've had to learn this since year 5 and ever since then. I've been dumped by all my friends. This is how my life is. The hardest thing of all is that I've got to accept that. And I've been at a new school for a whole term and haven't made 1 single new friend. I've come to the conclusion that I've got to just get through the next 5 years." And whilst he said this last night, he looked so, so, so deeply sad in his eyes.
I know that this must read as though there must be something my DS is doing wrong. But honestly, he isn't. I've watched him with friends over the years and he engages really nicely with other children. He's fun, active, loves running around playing, loves being out on his bike with friends, I've seen him be really funny and make friends really laugh, he has a bright shining smile, he's incredibly kind and compassionate, chatty, he's honestly great company. He adores his younger sister and he's so lovely to her. I adore his company, he's such a genuinely lovely person. All of my friends comment on how lovely he is. Every subject teacher at parents evening 2 weeks ago said he was a pleasure and a delight to have in the class.
But I can see him breaking. He is looking worried. His confidence is going. He's making derogatory remarks about himself. And in the last month he's developed quite severe anxiety attacks which I am really worrying about as they're increasing in frequency and intensity.
His new school have told me they have no pastoral facilities when I've asked them for support. I've told them he needs help and support but they've said they're short staffed and awaiting pastoral vacancies to be filled.
I spoke to his form tutor and she couldn't have been more disinterested. I eventually got her to agree to 'check in' with DS on some days through the week but since asking, though her reluctance to do this was palpable, and DS says she hasn't checked in with him once since I spoke to her.
This message is long because I've been awake all night worrying about DS and what he said to me last night.
Can anyone help me?
I'm so worried.
I've got this bright, lovely, fun, sensitive boy who was always so happy running round with a big bright smile on his face who was always telling me he loved his life, who has gone through 5 friendships ending in him being turned on and dumped who is now sad, dejected, lonely and having anxiety attacks.
I can see his spark going out before my eyes and I need to help but I don't know what to do.
I'm talking to him on a regular basis about how he feels, I'm listening to him, he's opening up and talking to me about how much he's struggling, I'm giving him huge amounts of love and encouragement, I'm trying really hard to give him a really good time doing fun stuff as a family outside of school. I joined him to a club that's nothing to do with school and he's been going for 11 months now, and whilst he enjoys the club and goes every week, no friendships have come of it.
What I'm doing isn't enough though.
He needs friends.

I feel for you - this was my dd through secondary school. She moved school in sixth form and went from being an outcast to the most popular girl in school and has continued to make friends at uni, etc without too much issue. So it definitely doesn't mean this is how it is for life now.

When dd was at secondary school what kept her going was online friends in Minecraft servers. They stumbled across each other and had headsets so would actually talk in real time and actually met up at some MineCons and ComicCons.

Can you encourage your ds to do some out of school stuff...scouts, sports, climbing wall, anything like that and meet other people. And lunchtime clubs at school, chess club, etc?

I appreciate its not the same situation at all but have you considered home educating him? my son is asd and can make friends but really struggles to keep them. At school he didn’t want to socialise with anyone as it was too much at secondary school, he would have a 40 minute meltdown then he come in from the car and hide in his room for the evening. Best thing I ever did was actually withdraw from the educational system which is completely broken, Teachers just don’t have the time to support children who need that little bit extra support due to their work load and like you have stated some just simply don’t want too. I got fed up of asking for help. So I started home educated him a year ago. He goes to so many different home ed session and has groups of friends in each. He is absolutely thriving after years of struggling and tears. Home educated children seem alot more accepting of each other and support each. Don’t get me wrong there quarrels etc but next week it’s forgotten about.

I'm so sorry to read this about your son. The only thing I can think of is getting him into extra curricular activities that are small and nurturing and focus on being kind to each other.

Could something like boys brigade be an option?

I'm so sorry this is happening to your son. Also - his school should absolutely be doing more. Can you speak to the head of year/house?

I'd also maybe consider getting some counselling for him at this stage, if you possibly can afford it. Head off his feelings that somehow he is to blame for other people's actions

Your poor lad. I second the suggestion to join things like scouts or cadets or even martial arts

What other secondary schools are there in your area? The one he is at is appalling. It must be difficult for them being short staffed but not having any pastoral care and support for struggling Year 7s is really awful.

I do agree that doing other activities both in school and out of it is a great way to meet other like-minded kids; even if he doesn't make strong friends in clubs it's still nice to feel that others like you and don't have a problem with you, which will help restore some of his confidence.

The pastoral care at the school sounds woeful, and I'd seriously consider talking to other schools to see if you can find better.

Otherwise - outside clubs?

I do know how you feel, DD only had a small group of friends at secondary having not fitted in in primary. Then covid hit, she didn't return for y11 and lost all but 1 friend. Now post-college (no new friends there) her only friend has gone to Australia for a gap year.

This was me in primary school - it was exhausting. School friendships can be so toxic. I suggest you get your DS some therapy to talk through the hurt and support him to join clubs outside of school where friendships are less pressured than those you have to see everyday.

Joining clubs outside of school was vital for my friendships.

It's quite common IME to start year 7 and "break up" with your primary school friends. My DD (now in year 11) joined secondary with two girls from primary and the three of them have hardly said a word to each other since then! My DS experienced the same and found it harder as his primary best friend meant a lot to him.

Encourage him to join clubs - both inside and outside school. Lots of year 7s haven't made firm friendships by the first half term - there will be others in his year who are looking for friends. If he mentions his past experiences, play it down and say yes, that was really unlucky but encourage him to look forwards. I would also have a word with him form teacher. I wouldn't go into the details of his primary school experience, but just say he's struggling to make friends. His form teacher may be able to nudge him in the direction of another boy in a similar situation.

I hope it all works out OP. Don't despair yet!!

Oh sorry - I missed the bit that you've already spoken to his form tutor.

Find a young person’s counsellor who can work on his self esteem and anxiety and help him pick a local club he can start to meet other new children

My DD had a similar experience. She got diched by her primary school friends once they knew they were going to different secondary schools. It actually got pretty nasty and I was really sad for her.
She spent secondary school moving from one friendship group to another ... she spent 6th form pretty much being alone.
(Her GCSE & A Levels were heavily impacted by covid lockdowns, I think that's one reason she didn't have friend s in 6th)
I put it dow to she just never found her people at secondary school.

But she had a great little friendship group within her sport, which she attended 2-3 times a week- so in a way a life saver.

She's now at uni and fron what I can see she's made some great friends - at least she's to busy to come home....
She's still doing her sport and joined a club near uni, and has made new friends there as well.

Does your DS have a hobby? Can he do something, where he can find people who have similar interests?

What you are doing isn’t enough because YOU cannot fix this. This isn’t for you to going wading in on ( it sounds like you’ve already been too involved imo) You should t be over analysing every details of everything. There are obviously details you don’t have!

As hard as it is, you have to stop, it sounds like you’re putting even more pressure on him and fuelling his anxieties. Making it all into a massive deal. you have to step back and let it play out, encourage him and work on his self confidence but that’s it.

There's absolutely no evidence of putting pressure on him what a weird reply.

OP I'd focus on outside activities and if possible talk to another school. Of course you know he'll find his tribe one day, but it's important his self esteem isn't shattered before then.

One of my nieces went through this and is such a lovely young woman. It's painful to watch.

So sorry to hear. I think it's pretty common actually- these types of things happened to me at school. Best mates who dramatically fell out with me and then didn't talk to me for years. Tough at the time but on reflection it did build my resilience and encourage me to build relationships outside school. I made a ton of friends at uni and have always had a wide social network in adulthood. I wouldn't change school or home educate, just support him to weather the storms - with counselling, with external interests etc. He sounds a lovely lad !

Outside clubs - definitely. It was very helpful for one of mine at about 8-11.

I’ve also found that things improved the higher up the school he went. Much better by 12/13 and fine now (15). His classmates just seemed to become more accepting of his personality as they were of others as well - he probably seemed a bit too keen to have friends and not cool/casual. He was also a bit of a know-it-all, which didn’t help. They all seem to have matured and accepted each other.

@Isthisexpected OP I'd focus on outside activities

^This. Having structured and non-competitive outside activity could help. There are the obvious ones, e.g. scouts/explorers etc., but also have a look for other clubs with a particular topic, e.g. biking, skateboarding, electronics club, martial arts, nature, food/cooking ... there will be something out there. The key is that everyone has a common interest, it's not only about 'relationships', there are usually a mix of ages, and most importantly there is usually some kind of structure that keeps things together.

Your boy sounds lovely, and he's very, very lucky to have you as his mum.

DD seems to have run through close friends in school at a rate of knots. She's now found a group of people in the year above that she gets on with. They met through an extra curricular school activity.
Her close friends come though out of school activities (she does 4 things a week but they often also involve weekend activities).

Her plan to get through year 11 when her friends have all gone to college is headphones and music and extra prefect duties!

It's possible to survive school with few friends if you have those friends outside of school. One club possibly isn't enough. Id increase his opportunities to meet people that he wants to share activities with - sports clubs, music, chess club, board games, tech activities etc.

He needs to find his tribe. He hasn’t found them at school yet but this is where hobbies and sports can be an invaluable tool. They encourage being brave, making friends and building confidence. You can’t control what happens at school, but you can encourage him into sports and hobbies where friendship and confidence grow much more easily. Clubs outside of the school environment are perfect for this.

Absolutely agree with outside clubs. He sounds like the kind of boy who would really enjoy something like cadets. My DD didn't really find her "group" in secondary. While she was ok and hung around with people, she really found her people at college and also has a really strong group of online friends she games with. I know this isn't helpful to you now but don't give up hope. Can you look at other schools? His secondary sounds shit.

I'm appalled at what the school said. As a teacher of that age myself, if one of my form's parents contacted me in that way I'd be on it with buddying, seating arrangements in class and looking at the extra curricular offerings with him to see what might help. I run a club at my school for a somewhat niche activity that a lot of the otherwise "loners" come to and its great to see them relax and laugh. I hope you find a way through this but also I second what others have said about clubs and activities...possibly slightly out of area too so you don;t keep running into the same kids.

Definitely outside clubs. Encourage also less reliance on a small group but having fun with a wider friendship group which can happen if he joins a club with a good age range. Ds has always had a small group of friends and at times it has been hard but he went to cadets, did a sport and found friends there, not deep friends but a wide range of ages, so people a few years above that would say hi in school etc. over the years this has really helped his confidence.

Telling someone that everyone hates them, their face makes them feel sick, and getting excluded from a group isn't just losing friends - it's being bullied. Yes it sounds like he has lost some friends but it also sounds like he was bullied horribly. What did the school do about this?

No advice other than might be worth getting him some kind of therapy so he doesn't get in a cycle of closing himself off from everyone and making things worse

I can't believe your friends have sat by and let their kids behave like this. Fair enough if they don't want to be friends any more but no explanation to you and to completely blank him is so rude

I echo those saying clubs.

I had a very similar experience to your sons. Couldn't keep friends never understanding why and never did anything wrong. If anything I was constantly taken advantage off and used. As an adult I got diagnosed autistic and adhd and it all makes sense. I mask to make friends put in lots of effort and appear 'normal' then as they get to know me see the difference and neurotypical people reject you. All my good friends now are neurodiverse too, I didn't seek them for this reason but we just find each other. But at school I didn't find the other autistic kids, not sure why. Possibly as I am 'high functioning' and as a kid we absorb social attitude s to not want to seek friendships with the 'weird' kids - this is just part of masking. Obviously I have no idea if your kids autistic your post just made me think of it and having been messed up by a lifetime of not understanding why, neurodiverse was never considered for me. I now make a point to mention it so people consider it.

He sounds like an absolutely lovely but very sensitive boy which makes his friendships challenging. I am a sensitive person and there are loads of us out there and we actually do go well together so I don’t say that disparagingly but it can be very isolating because we can come off as intense which can in turn wear others down. In my later teens I learned not to do that level of intensity that drives others away, it wasn’t ideal because I became a bit of a people pleaser but I’ve worked on that too in later years. I think your son needs help to build self esteem and to figure out how he can manage friendships better. Maybe a therapist might help. I definitely think the hobbies idea is really good too.

What I take from what you've written is that your son has been bullied in year 5 and 6 and this needs to be addressed as it has affected his self esteem. His secondary school doesn't have the resources to support him and a lot of this happened prior to him starting. I would pay for him to have some councilling. A friends daughter is having similar problems and is having 6 weeks of councilling. Her mum noticed a real positive change after 2 weeks and she already has some tools to deal with difficult situations.

The way you've written this does make it sound like he or you (or both) put a big emphasis on friendships and I wonder whether some friends feel the friendship is a bit intense rather than happening organically? Playdates etc are great but do the friendships start to feel like a commitment to other people? My children have lots of friends who have never been to ours but they still consider them great friends. You want him to be happy at school with friends to interact with and sit with at lunchtime. Friendships dont always involve reciprocating invitations so I wouldn't encourage him to force things or to look for 'best friends'. Some of the happiest kids I've taught never have best friends. They just interact well with different personalities.

I think the real focus needs to be his self esteem. He sounds like a great kid and perfectly capable of forming friendships. He's not been at secondary school long and I'm sure things will change for him.