To feel so sad about DS never ending failed friendships

[FullMoon23]

Can I start by asking for replies to go easy, as I'm genuinely feeling really sad and low about this.
I have a beautiful 12 year old DS.
He is lovely in every way, and he's a gentle, sensitive boy.
We have a really close relationship and he's very loving, chatty, funny, interested in loads of things, clever, thoughtful, kind.
But his friendships are just 1 disaster after another and I don't know what to do about it.
In years reception to year 5 he had 2 close friends, 1 boy and 1 girl. They were great friends, they were regularly on playdates and days out together and he was really happy with them. In year 5 the girl suddennly turned on him, told him she hates him and that everyone in the class hates him, said things like his face made her feel sick, etc. It literally devastated him, he cried his eyes out, he was 9 at the time, having loved his friendship with this girl since he was 4. I tried talking to the mum, who I was friends with at the time, to try and find out what my DS had done to upset her DD but she dismissed things and the girl never spoke to my DS again, and to this day ignores him. DS was unbelievably upset and I went over things a lot with him but he was certain nothing had ever happened and he'd never done anything to cause her to say these things.
This left him with the 1 boy as a friend.
DS later, still in yr 5 aged 9, started saying he wanted to have a few more friends for variety. He was still good friends with the boy but wanted a couple of addional friends. In the middle of yr 5 he made friends with 2 new boys. He was overjoyed, so happy to have new friends. He remained friends with the boy he'd always been friends with and introduced them to each other and they started playing as a 4, having a brilliant time together and meeting up for parties and play dates outside of school.
Then in Yr 6 one of the new friends started 'dating' the girl who had turned on DS as described above. Overnight, that boy turned on DS and started saying the exact same things to my DS word for word that the girl had said to him when she turned on him: "I hate you, everyone hates you, your face makes me feel sick." And dropped him. Then the girl and that boy took the other new friend and they formed as a 3 and were vile, literally horrible to my DS and the boy he'd been friends with since reception. They made every day at school for months difficult for my DS and he spent quite a few months lonely and upset about losing these friends.
Later in year 6, DS had another boy who wanted to make friends with him. DS was reluctant at first because his confidence had taken a battering after 3 seperate friends turning on him and dumping him, but I encouraged and supported him and eventually he made a really nice friendship with this boy. They hung out together at school and did lots of activities and fun stuff outside of school together. The mum had us all round for a BBQ and kept saying her son was over the moon to have made friends with my DS. DS was really pleased and it went a long way to repairing his confidence. They remained friends through yr 6, round each other's houses a lot, and DS remained friends with his original friend from reception. At the end of yr 6 the new friend was hugging DS and saying thanks for being a great friend. That was in July. Since then he's dumped DS. He's gone to a different secondary school, told his mum he wants a fresh start and has turned down every single suggestion my DS has made for them to see each other. All the things they did together and enjoyed up until July, this boy is now saying no to. Last night whilst out for Halloween, DS bumped in to this boy who looked at DS, didn't smile back at him when DS smiled and said Hi, and walked the other way, away from DS. DS looked mortified.
Meanwhile, since starting yr 7 last month, the boy he's always been consistent friends with since reception has dumped him, and has found a new friend to hang out with. This boy, after 7 years of friendship, constantly seeing each other outside of school, has not said hello to or spoken to DS for 8 weeks and his mum, who I've been good friendswith for 7 years, has confirmed that her DS no longer wants to be friends with my DS. No explanation available upon me asking why.
DS is now completely alone in a new school and he hates it. He loves having friends. He's a really good, loyal, fun friend. He hates being alone.
I've tried really hard to encourage him to make new friends, to talk to new people, but lat night he said "What's the point? I've got used to people being mean to me now. I've had to learn this since year 5 and ever since then. I've been dumped by all my friends. This is how my life is. The hardest thing of all is that I've got to accept that. And I've been at a new school for a whole term and haven't made 1 single new friend. I've come to the conclusion that I've got to just get through the next 5 years." And whilst he said this last night, he looked so, so, so deeply sad in his eyes.
I know that this must read as though there must be something my DS is doing wrong. But honestly, he isn't. I've watched him with friends over the years and he engages really nicely with other children. He's fun, active, loves running around playing, loves being out on his bike with friends, I've seen him be really funny and make friends really laugh, he has a bright shining smile, he's incredibly kind and compassionate, chatty, he's honestly great company. He adores his younger sister and he's so lovely to her. I adore his company, he's such a genuinely lovely person. All of my friends comment on how lovely he is. Every subject teacher at parents evening 2 weeks ago said he was a pleasure and a delight to have in the class.
But I can see him breaking. He is looking worried. His confidence is going. He's making derogatory remarks about himself. And in the last month he's developed quite severe anxiety attacks which I am really worrying about as they're increasing in frequency and intensity.
His new school have told me they have no pastoral facilities when I've asked them for support. I've told them he needs help and support but they've said they're short staffed and awaiting pastoral vacancies to be filled.
I spoke to his form tutor and she couldn't have been more disinterested. I eventually got her to agree to 'check in' with DS on some days through the week but since asking, though her reluctance to do this was palpable, and DS says she hasn't checked in with him once since I spoke to her.
This message is long because I've been awake all night worrying about DS and what he said to me last night.
Can anyone help me?
I'm so worried.
I've got this bright, lovely, fun, sensitive boy who was always so happy running round with a big bright smile on his face who was always telling me he loved his life, who has gone through 5 friendships ending in him being turned on and dumped who is now sad, dejected, lonely and having anxiety attacks.
I can see his spark going out before my eyes and I need to help but I don't know what to do.
I'm talking to him on a regular basis about how he feels, I'm listening to him, he's opening up and talking to me about how much he's struggling, I'm giving him huge amounts of love and encouragement, I'm trying really hard to give him a really good time doing fun stuff as a family outside of school. I joined him to a club that's nothing to do with school and he's been going for 11 months now, and whilst he enjoys the club and goes every week, no friendships have come of it.
What I'm doing isn't enough though.
He needs friends.

Definitely clubs and group activities. Move schools- it isn’t that different nowadays. Do lots of things with him too. Check what gossip there is- usually there’s a root and it’s usually something humiliating involving toilets/being inappropriate etc. it is often also not true, made up by attention seekers to make them more popular and the other person less popular.

Having different groups of friends also protects him- if one friendship doesn’t work out he has others.

Also, if as you say he is lovely, remind him often that sometimes you can do everything right and get the wrong result. This doesn’t mean you should do wrong though.

Yes I would just change schools for a fresh bunch of kids. Out of school activities are great for a different friendship group.

You and your son sound absolutely lovely. He's obviously got a really lovely family and that will stand him in excellent stead his whole life.

I'm so sorry for what he's going through. I honestly welled up at your post. Your poor boy.

Excellent advice from many posters. Just a couple of things (from experience) that I would add:

Any school that doesn’t take an interest in the student’s socioemotional development is by definition a shit school, regardless of their ofsted ratings

This PP is completely correct. My son was at an Ofsted "requires improvement" secondary school but the pastoral care, in particular the anti-bullying policy, was outstanding and they truly cared about every child. Definitely worth looking at other schools.

Re extra-curricular activities - what about martial arts or air cadets or similar - something with a strong identity where they encourage the building of self-esteem.

Wishing you all the very best OP. You are a really lovely mum and your boy is lucky to have you.

I'm assuming he's an only - OP states he has a younger sister to whom he's lovely

DS "dumped" one of his friends when they went to secondary school. I don't think that's unusual to be honest.

It's still new into a new school and a new term. I think it takes them a while to find new friends.

DS seems to move friendship groups a lot which does worry me a bit. But me asking him about it does annoy him so could your DS be picking up on your anxiety about this a bit? Can you be a bit more breezy about it?

I am so sorry for your poor ds. Sadly I don't think his experience is unusual. From Y5/6 the social side of things really starts to shift, a lot of old friendships break down and there is often bullying involved.

Something very similar happened to my dd and it was heartbreaking. Best friend from pre-school, did everything together. Y5 best friend buddied up with one or two queen bees who immediately started picking on dd. Dd brought a girl who was being bullied into the group because she empathised with what she was going through and within weeks she started bullying dd, pushed her out and became best friends with dd’s best friend.

Y6 was awful, with the old friends constantly being mean but her still wanting their friendship. She eventually made another friend who happened to live a few doors away from us. During the summer holidays before Y7 they literally lived in each other’s pockets, made plans to walk to secondary school together etc, then within days of starting the new friend completely blanked her.

What helped was dd was deciding she didn’t need a bff (which seems to be an obsession with some teenage girls) and that instead she would just be friendly to everyone and not worry about it. She started joining a few school clubs, took on a job in the school library at lunch times and got involved with other things at school like the end of year production and generally busied herself doing things she liked, instead of worrying about making friends. Through those activities there has been a gradual development of a tight knit group of friends that have all had similarly bad experiences and they all have each other’s backs. Some are neuro-diverse, some are alternative types, some just really shy and some apparently just too nice for all the nastiness that, sadly, seems to be par for the course in our schools. They all have a shared interest via one of the school clubs and now some have joined similar clubs outside of school as well, which has helped build their confidence even more.

Dd is now in Y10 and it has actually been lovely to see her develop into a real individual with her own style etc and not give a stuff what the ‘it crowd’ think about her. She’s now confident, happy and independent and her new hobbies have even led to her finding her passion and potential career path. I remember posting on mn in desperation when she was so desperately unhappy in Y6 and being told what she was going through was really common, but it would get better and not being able to see how, but it did.

I would second the idea of some talking therapy to help your ds work through his feelings about what he’s been through, as there is no doubt it was bullying. Hopefully he will learn that their nastiness is all about them, definitely not his fault or due to anything he did and then he can move forward making new friendships with healthier boundaries.

My ds1 went through something similar too, although he has ASD and the bullying was much worse. He lost his only friend when they had to go to different secondary schools because the local one wouldn’t agree to support him properly. He found his tribe in secondary school eventually though and now he’s at uni and again has built a solid group of friends via two uni societies. We have never seen him happier or more confident. I know your ds isn’s ASD but just wanted to mention that things can and do get better, even for those that really struggle.

I wish I had some advice, OP, although PPs have offered an array of great advice already. I just wanted to send love and a great big hug to you, because this is a heartbreaking thing to go through as a mum and I can see clearly how much you care. Take heart in the posters talking about their own experiences with their own lives or DCs, in that struggling with friendships in childhood does not automatically equate to struggling for life. It really is pot luck what people we are mixed with in school or at work, and all it takes is for him to bump into that person or people with whom he forms a connection. All is not lost.

Dear OP,

I felt sick reading your post. It was so familiar. Similar happened to DS2. It can deeply scar a person to be rejected in childhood by peers. DS2 still has trauma related to it and sees a therapist about it.

However, I want you to know there can be happy endings. He is now 21 and has four distinct very strong and stable friendship groups - one from school, which took a long time to evolve but was so worth it - the nicest boys in his year eventually found each other and stuck like glue, drawing to them any outcast misfits who were nice too, ending up with a group of about 12 supportive, witty, kind, dynamic teens. another group is from uni. At uni he was severely bullied in similar ways to what you describe, in his first year, and lost all his confidence. But once lockdown lifted he met some new people at the very end of his first year through a charity they worked at, and they are now all very close and holiday together twice a year (the school group also holidays together once a year). Then he has his flatmates who are also from uni and mates of mates from uni, who he loves living with, and finally his work friendship group which has evolved into a tight knit group who support and network on behalf of each other. He is also in a band but seems ot have a more casual relationship with that crowd.

I did what you are doing - let him talk, bolstered his self esteem. I also encouraged him to broaden his notion of friendship, away from the intensity he seems to really value and towards also valuing some less intense, more casual acquaintance-style friendships. he saw no point in these at first, but the truth is that in childhood and teens, a lot of people feel smothered by close, intense friendship and need to keep things quite lightweight,. My ds didn't see lightweight as true friendship, but it is. being part of something, just participating, is a kind of shared experience that over the years becomes a kind of friendship. Perhaps encourage him to join a choir, an art club, a drama club, orchestra and just turn up. It will give him things to do during the breaks and after school. encourage him to pick one or two things he enjoys and get really seriously good at them. Talent attracts liek minded talent and true friendship grows from that.

funnily enough, ds's close knit work colleagues now originated in an online group he joined aged 12 or 13 when he was profoundly lonely in real life, and chatted online about a key interest. Most people were older than him - about 16 to 18 and he couldn't go to many of the socials but kept chatting. As he got older they stopped treating him like the kid of the group and as they all filtered into a career connected to their shared passion, they kept meeting up. Now those same boys he met online aged 12 have helped him find internships, given him 9good!0 girlfriend advice, invite him for dinner once a week.

What your ds needs to keep alive is hope and trust that there is nothing wrong with him. There is something wrong with people who say what those 'friends' said to him. It's hard to believe that in childhood, but it helps to be told it very clearly and be encouraged to analyse the behaviour: who would you choose to hang out with - a loyal friend or a name calling bully? It's very telling that the mother did nothing when you approached her. To me, that suggests there is bullying or cruelty within the family - feelinsg are not taken seriously.

Encourage him (use some teen cbt techniques) to develop self-compassion and self acceptance. To know he is fundamentally a friendly, good person and that there are others in the world who will, over time, appreciate that. meantime, he will not tolerate bullies, he will protect himself from getting too intense too quickly, he will allow others to seek him out and not do all the running, he will appreciate casual friendships and shared experiences, he will look after his body through esercise and occupy his mind with things that bring him joy. that way, his confidence will grow. It happened to my son.

My DS is 13 & also kind, caring & sensitive so lots of sympathy from me. I know it’s hard not to worry about our kids being happy at school, but I think you need to reframe this a bit.

It sounds like your son has made several successful & lasting friendships at school in the past, but it is not unusual for friendships to come & go due to lots of factors like declining shared interests, changes to social groups & even just less opportunities to meet up after starting different secondary schools. I think it’s very common for friendships to change at this age, & doubt very much that this is due to anything your DS is doing or not doing.

I think it’s a worry that your DS feels he is somehow at fault or failing in some way, & that he thinks he will never have another friend. If I were you I would be telling him this is not the case & reassuring him that most people experience similar at some point or other, and there will be other kids at his school feeling the same. If he is anxious about making friends he may come across as a bit intense & overwheming. Make sure he knows he has lots of lovely qualities that make him an excellent friend and big him up as much as possible, but also try & take the pressure off him by not focusing on or analysing this stuff so much.

Definitely encourage him to join clubs at school if possible, it will give him the opportunity to meet other kids who like what he likes. My DS plays an instrument & made friends via music clubs / hanging out in the music department at lunch & break times.

It’s very early days at secondary, My DS found his current friendship group at the end of year 7 / beginning of year 8 & has just started year 9 with a nice group of friends. Give it time and try not to worry too much, your DS will be aware of your worry & it will feed his anxiety even more.

I also agree with PP that your son was bullied at primary. It’s too late to change that now but make sure he knows that was not his fault. Work on building his confidence and resilience if you can.

Pull him out of school and home educate it was the best thing my parents did for me when I was being bullied badly. Wasn't till I was older and diagnosed with autism some things made sense. My siblings were home taught they didn't go to school and we couldn't have done badly all 4 got our own work and businessess. We have now just started home schooling my own 4 children so happy days

Your poor DS, it is heartbreaking when they look so down at accepted this friendship fate. I had similar with my DS, who is funny and charismatic, it was a surprise to me as he was very popular at primary school. His problems came about due to all his class going to a different secondary school I think, so all the feeder primary schools had established friendships but also a not very nice girl turned the class against him. I think year 7/8 are very socially challenging. Interestingly with maturity this stuff worked itself out, he got some really good friends in year 10 and now in 6th form is the one going to parties etc. But also they are the more political, alternative crowd, bright but cool. He did get two sets of friends but ditched the first lot I'm year 9 as they were just horrible to each other, I was on the mum's WhatsApp group that this intense Mum had set up and she was bizarre, all the Mum's were pretty shocking, chose to see their boys as adversaries and i was juay the outsider as told them that the way they accused their sons of stuff they hadn't even done was bizarre and not my vibe. Anyway, I was soon removed from that group - good!

My DD is in year 8 and has more of a complicated approach to friendship, she has one good friend, wants more friends but not if they are crap friends, she is picky about it and doesn't suffer fools so although I think some of it is year 7/8 being tricky, she will probably get a tribe when she is older as she is arty, musical and alternative. Music is a good way of making friends do you have any bands at your school your son could join?

My son had no friends through primary and not really in year 7, but he found some friends in year 8 and now he is in year 9 it sounds like he has a nice little group. He is buzzing as there is going to be a Dungeons and Dragons club starting and he and his mates will go.

I actually work at my son’s school and the approach your school have had sounds appalling. When my son was struggling in year 7 they found him a ´buddy’ for lunches and breaks and helped him access some clubs. As teachers we are informed who to sit kids with who are struggling socially and are actively encouraged to mix groups up and aid the development of friendships. It is completely normal for a year 7 student to not have found their crew yet, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t help them!!

I don’t know if it’s an option to call other local schools and ask for what they would do if he came to them? Just to see if a change would help?

Meanwhile I would get back on to the head of year and honestly I would complain to the head and governers if something wasn’t done. It isn’t acceptable to have no pastoral support.

Does your son have hobbies outside of school? My son felt happier knowing that he still had his scout friends, whatever happened at school. What does he do at lunch? Maybe his future friends are hanging out somewhere different? Are there clubs he can join?

I can sympathise with this. 13 yr old DS in similar situation with friendships.
Bullied in last year of primary school, ring leader in same secondary school(limited options of schools), but different class group.
Bullying started again this year since September. Different students.
DS has no real friendships, has limited contact with classmates during holidays etc.

Breaks my heart.

He does plenty of clubs etc, but no tribe yet.

hard as parents not to get involved but dont think you should.

I had problems with friendships at Primary and secondary school. I never remember telling my parents. You work through it and you learn about people. Parents cant do anything. People are cruel sadly.

He hasn’t found his tribe. Dh didn’t at school but got to university and founds loads of like minded people who all adored him.

This will get shouted down but I had similar experiences in Year 6 and then in the first year of secondary with a new group of people. Eventually in Year 9, I moved schools and was suddenly very popular. Usually people say moving school is a bad thing and unsettling but sometimes the chances to reinvent yourself, and the novelty factor means you have a whole new group of people to choose to be friends with.

I'm so sorry for you and your son, OP; this is heartbreaking. I would continue with facilitating him attending out of school clubs as much as possible- as many as you can fit into the week. Hopefully he will find at least one where he gets on with people. Keep doing lovely things as a family and telling him how wonderful he is. He may also benefit from counselling after such a rough couple of years.

You have all my sympathies, we have gone through a lot of turmoil with DD and friendships. She makes them but then struggles to keep them and feels so envious of people in large groups which seem effortless.

I have asked for advice in the past and get the 'outside clubs' suggestion which is certainly valid but not much use to us as DD has slowly dropped all her clubs and refuses to go to new ones. So we've just had to support her as much as possible at home and talk to her about it whenever she wants to engage. Her school has been amazing but it's an indie and they have great pastoral provision. That said, there's a limit to what they can do - they can't enforce friendships, but they can ensure he's not alone at break/lunch and try to find opportunities for new friendships to form with other kids who are maybe in a similar situation.

There's no easy answer, but rest assured you're not alone.

And to PPs who are suggesting you're overinvested, just ignore them. You know your child best and the idea that you should just sit back and see what happens is crazy. Of course you don't want to let him know you're worried and put more pressure on him, but pretending that by ignoring the situation it will go away isn't going to help either.

This is a very good post.

Op this is v similar to my dc.

1. we moved school in the middle of Y7. Best decision ever.

2. joined cadets. Dc wasn't into sports so the cliques and groups that form from these activities weren't their tribe. Cadets was brilliant, structure, academic, potential to be promoted innranks with effort and cadets all acknowledged other people's efforts.

Keep being his cheerleader... i kept having to have chats with dc, telling them the issue was school life and not them and to treat school as a part if the day that had to be got through then ejoy time out of school.

Good luck to your ds.

Op I can relate. My dd is in year7. Moved up with what she felt was a very good friend. She saw this friend all through the summer, they do a joint sport together. As soon as this other girl found out dd wasn't in any of her classes she dumped her. Completely blanks her. She latched on to someone who she vaguely knew and now they're together all the time. My dd was heartbroken.

Dd is in a form class now with a group of girls who were in the other class in primary who are all good friends. She chats to them, eats lunch with them, walks home with one but has not been invited to hang out with them outside of school despite seeing loads of snap chats of them together. My dd has invited them one on one to meet for an ice cream/ go to park but nothing has materialised. I'm hoping it will work out for the best, but my stomach is constantly in knots worrying. Dd is such a kind, funny and loyal person.

Ah that’s great. I know it can be especially hard when a child doesn’t have siblings and this goes on.

What a rough time your sons had.
I think you need to be careful that you aren’t increasing his anxiety by your efforts to find him “friends”
The club he’s going to sounds like a good start. He’s not isolated at home and is wanting to go.
Explorers or scouts , Duke of Edinburgh are great ways to do new things and have fun . Is there any good groups in your area or is school doing DOfE?
Friendship happens best when you aren’t looking for them x

Hi OP, how are things now?
Could you move him to a smaller school?