To feel so sad about DS never ending failed friendships

[FullMoon23]

Can I start by asking for replies to go easy, as I'm genuinely feeling really sad and low about this.
I have a beautiful 12 year old DS.
He is lovely in every way, and he's a gentle, sensitive boy.
We have a really close relationship and he's very loving, chatty, funny, interested in loads of things, clever, thoughtful, kind.
But his friendships are just 1 disaster after another and I don't know what to do about it.
In years reception to year 5 he had 2 close friends, 1 boy and 1 girl. They were great friends, they were regularly on playdates and days out together and he was really happy with them. In year 5 the girl suddennly turned on him, told him she hates him and that everyone in the class hates him, said things like his face made her feel sick, etc. It literally devastated him, he cried his eyes out, he was 9 at the time, having loved his friendship with this girl since he was 4. I tried talking to the mum, who I was friends with at the time, to try and find out what my DS had done to upset her DD but she dismissed things and the girl never spoke to my DS again, and to this day ignores him. DS was unbelievably upset and I went over things a lot with him but he was certain nothing had ever happened and he'd never done anything to cause her to say these things.
This left him with the 1 boy as a friend.
DS later, still in yr 5 aged 9, started saying he wanted to have a few more friends for variety. He was still good friends with the boy but wanted a couple of addional friends. In the middle of yr 5 he made friends with 2 new boys. He was overjoyed, so happy to have new friends. He remained friends with the boy he'd always been friends with and introduced them to each other and they started playing as a 4, having a brilliant time together and meeting up for parties and play dates outside of school.
Then in Yr 6 one of the new friends started 'dating' the girl who had turned on DS as described above. Overnight, that boy turned on DS and started saying the exact same things to my DS word for word that the girl had said to him when she turned on him: "I hate you, everyone hates you, your face makes me feel sick." And dropped him. Then the girl and that boy took the other new friend and they formed as a 3 and were vile, literally horrible to my DS and the boy he'd been friends with since reception. They made every day at school for months difficult for my DS and he spent quite a few months lonely and upset about losing these friends.
Later in year 6, DS had another boy who wanted to make friends with him. DS was reluctant at first because his confidence had taken a battering after 3 seperate friends turning on him and dumping him, but I encouraged and supported him and eventually he made a really nice friendship with this boy. They hung out together at school and did lots of activities and fun stuff outside of school together. The mum had us all round for a BBQ and kept saying her son was over the moon to have made friends with my DS. DS was really pleased and it went a long way to repairing his confidence. They remained friends through yr 6, round each other's houses a lot, and DS remained friends with his original friend from reception. At the end of yr 6 the new friend was hugging DS and saying thanks for being a great friend. That was in July. Since then he's dumped DS. He's gone to a different secondary school, told his mum he wants a fresh start and has turned down every single suggestion my DS has made for them to see each other. All the things they did together and enjoyed up until July, this boy is now saying no to. Last night whilst out for Halloween, DS bumped in to this boy who looked at DS, didn't smile back at him when DS smiled and said Hi, and walked the other way, away from DS. DS looked mortified.
Meanwhile, since starting yr 7 last month, the boy he's always been consistent friends with since reception has dumped him, and has found a new friend to hang out with. This boy, after 7 years of friendship, constantly seeing each other outside of school, has not said hello to or spoken to DS for 8 weeks and his mum, who I've been good friendswith for 7 years, has confirmed that her DS no longer wants to be friends with my DS. No explanation available upon me asking why.
DS is now completely alone in a new school and he hates it. He loves having friends. He's a really good, loyal, fun friend. He hates being alone.
I've tried really hard to encourage him to make new friends, to talk to new people, but lat night he said "What's the point? I've got used to people being mean to me now. I've had to learn this since year 5 and ever since then. I've been dumped by all my friends. This is how my life is. The hardest thing of all is that I've got to accept that. And I've been at a new school for a whole term and haven't made 1 single new friend. I've come to the conclusion that I've got to just get through the next 5 years." And whilst he said this last night, he looked so, so, so deeply sad in his eyes.
I know that this must read as though there must be something my DS is doing wrong. But honestly, he isn't. I've watched him with friends over the years and he engages really nicely with other children. He's fun, active, loves running around playing, loves being out on his bike with friends, I've seen him be really funny and make friends really laugh, he has a bright shining smile, he's incredibly kind and compassionate, chatty, he's honestly great company. He adores his younger sister and he's so lovely to her. I adore his company, he's such a genuinely lovely person. All of my friends comment on how lovely he is. Every subject teacher at parents evening 2 weeks ago said he was a pleasure and a delight to have in the class.
But I can see him breaking. He is looking worried. His confidence is going. He's making derogatory remarks about himself. And in the last month he's developed quite severe anxiety attacks which I am really worrying about as they're increasing in frequency and intensity.
His new school have told me they have no pastoral facilities when I've asked them for support. I've told them he needs help and support but they've said they're short staffed and awaiting pastoral vacancies to be filled.
I spoke to his form tutor and she couldn't have been more disinterested. I eventually got her to agree to 'check in' with DS on some days through the week but since asking, though her reluctance to do this was palpable, and DS says she hasn't checked in with him once since I spoke to her.
This message is long because I've been awake all night worrying about DS and what he said to me last night.
Can anyone help me?
I'm so worried.
I've got this bright, lovely, fun, sensitive boy who was always so happy running round with a big bright smile on his face who was always telling me he loved his life, who has gone through 5 friendships ending in him being turned on and dumped who is now sad, dejected, lonely and having anxiety attacks.
I can see his spark going out before my eyes and I need to help but I don't know what to do.
I'm talking to him on a regular basis about how he feels, I'm listening to him, he's opening up and talking to me about how much he's struggling, I'm giving him huge amounts of love and encouragement, I'm trying really hard to give him a really good time doing fun stuff as a family outside of school. I joined him to a club that's nothing to do with school and he's been going for 11 months now, and whilst he enjoys the club and goes every week, no friendships have come of it.
What I'm doing isn't enough though.
He needs friends.

Hi op. Im so so sympathetic to this. My 9 year old is autistic and also struggles with friendships though she is in a good place at the moment.

Firstly just as its a question from my perspective personally..does he have any neurodiverse traits? It doesnt sound it from what you have said but it does sound like he is highly sensitive

I think we need to pick apart a few things here. Your son was bullied in primary school. He needs to see that as what it was. Bullying. Its not a friendship issue or failure to keep friends etc he was bullied

Now. Separately its completely normal for children to move on from old friendships at secondary. I did. My own children have and im sorry to say this but i think you and your son are naturally hyper sensitive to this.

Your son needs to rebuild his sekf confidence and stop the negative self talk. One term in to secondary is nothing at all

If you think the school are uncaring then move schools quickly

But your son needs to believe in himself. He has had good friendships in the past and will do again.my anxious autistic child took over a year to make friends when she moved schools.

Some children are slow burners

Do you think its helpful to really over analyse with him what other to children are thinking and feeling? It might be better to explain life has ups and downs and bad luck and good luck and his tribe are out there

And then help him start some new hobbies etc

Poor little lad. This sounds very similar to my primary school days, though things did get better at secondary. As pp said he will find his tribe.

It is horrible. Children can be so mean to eachother. I went through this at this age and I would recommend you get him some counselling at some stage. I ought to have had it myself!

Clubs and joining in as much life outside school as you can manage will help his confidence.

Suggest he tries to have a wider group of friends. I’ve always told my kids to try and spread their friendships and not have besties. I think there’s danger in the intense intimate friendships. But a lot of it is a question of luck.

Tell him that many of us went through this and came out the other side. It gets a lot better at 6th form. Small comfort for someone who has years yet to get there.

But essentially - counselling and life outside school where he can feel normal and socially successful.

Also when others are mean it’s usually a sign that they have a problem with themselves and not with you.

I needed to know this at many stages including as an adult.

My son struggled with making friends all.the way through primary school
He wss very shy
He's nearly 17 now and has a solid group.of friends they met in year 7 there is four of them
They are all.at college now and he's making new friends as well.

I would absolutely start looking at other schools. One thing that I am very hot on is pastoral care. If that is not happening, then they don't have the kids best interests at heart.

Look at other schools and involve your son in that.

Keep conversations about friendships light and airy. Relax about it because I think your anxiety may be rubbing off on him.

I do think you are a little over invested OP, and I say this kindly. I have watched friendships come and go for years now across all my child’s peers. I have kept my mum friends regardless of whether the kids are still friends. It strikes me that you are encouraging a level of desperation with your own interactions and your sons. I’m assuming he’s an only?

My son is an only child he’s always made friends easily as we’ve moved around so much he’s had to and he has kept some good friends. However, he struggles with exclusivity in friendships as he likes to socialise with a wide circle of boys and girls. When he feels like some of his friends are getting too intense he backs off as he likes his own space. He’s also happy being on his own. He did loads of extra curricular activities, preferred going to the gym on his own and volunteered and made friends with adults there. My advice, consider changing schools. Keep building his social circle out of school. Reinforce that friendships happen all the way through life and change and there is no issue doing things on your own.

I honestly believe every single child goes through this more than once as they go through school. It is very tough and very sad, and in some ways this is when the innocence of childhood begins to fade away (children discover that the world isn't a wholly benign place).

All you can do is be a steadfast rock and reassure your child that there will be other friends and happier times to come. Whilst of course keeping on to the school if there is out and out bullying. But a child no longer wanting to be friends with yours is not bullying, it is just life.

I think turbulence in friendships is not uncommon in yr 5&6 but agree with the other poster that the degree of exclusion he experienced perhaps should have been treated as bullying.
Current school is rubbish. This is a very real - but often transient issue for yr 7's.
It will get better but you're right to be worried about his happiness and self esteem.
I'd also suggest activities outside of school. My DD was pretty miserable in yr 7 and 8, she had a handful of girls she could spend time with but didn't really like them. She only really found friends from yr 9 and is still close friends with them several years later. In the meantime she had good friends and happy times outside of school. Some of her friends from these activities were at her school and this is where her current group grew from.

It is very strange that a child is actively looking for friends,a planned activity almost.
This is the biggest issue here. Friendships happen, you can't plan them.
Why this repeated need for clear , official friendships? That's where I would start.
For all this effort and investment, he is not choosing good friends.
Very unkind of these children, unless they couldn't cope with him anymore (too clingy??) and wanted to finish the friendship in any way possible as quickly as possible and as final as possible.
And as absolutely lovely as he sounds from your description OP, he may well be too intense or, the opposite, too much of a pushover in the past friendships.
He will find some friends that are more suited for his 'energy' in future.

Let him navigate this upsets on his own but definitely offer 'professional' support, like you have done, with school staff.
I would also suggest that involvement with a sports club because it is very likely he will make new friends.
Y7 is a time when new friendships are formed at school for most children so I wouldn't worry too much on this particular shift.

Other that this, there is absolutely nothing you can do.

I agree with this. You are too involved OP. I think there is more to this than you've seen - you're not with him all the time are you! Kids aren't always truthful and don't like to admit they've messed up in some way. I'd enrol him in some extracurricular clubs, be a shoulder to cry on but no more than that. There's clearly something he's not good at, socially speaking, and he has to figure it out for himself.

Also, and I don't mean this harshly - some kids are just social outcasts. They just are. It's not his fault.

I think some kids learn the social rules at different ages and some kids can be a bit mean..

Hi OP.

I'm so sorry your poor son had to go through all that, it was bullying. The school should have come down hard on those children for those horrible comments.

This sounds very superficial but unfortunately schools are: Is your son uncool looking? Could his clothes, hairstyle etc be improved to fit in? He shouldn't have to change but schools are cruel places.

Near identical to what happened to me in primary and early secondary.

Worst thing is feelimg you are wandering round alone at break and lunch. Start by tackling this. Are there places he can go so he isn't wandering alone? School library, clubs, computer rooms?

If possible does the school allow lunch passes for pupils to go home for lunch. I did this for a year and it really helped. Made me feel less self conscious about it all.
By the end of year 7 things had shuffled down and I'd fallen in with some new people who i stayed friends with until 6th form.

I really feel for you ds OP, its sounds truly awful poor thing. But I think you need to back off abit from this. Speaking from experience the more involved you get the more it can backfire for DS. It can put him under pressure in those few friendships he has to keep them going etc, rather than easily exploring other friendships of his own accord without any anxiety about if they're ' friends for life' type of thoughts going through his head. You were right to step in when that girls was being horrid though and I would've expected as your rightly did to tell him how wonderful he is etc etc and spoke to school to nip her in the bud but when you start speaking to the other kids parents it can then filter down to parents saying stuff to kids and it gets all tangled and horrible for your ds. My advice would be you need to back off , just highlight his positives to him etc ,maybe get help for the anxiety now and let him do his own thing with friends for a while and see how he goes. When he says he's got someone new then don't probe or become too involved let it take its course. Maybe offer the odd fun day out here and there but don't try to run the friendship for him. Good luck.

Hi @FullMoon23 sorry your DH has had a miserable start to secondary. Most children make new friends once they are in secondary, especially if they go to different schools as the common link is no longer there. I wouldn’t dwell on that as what your son has experienced in friendship shift is entirely normal (though obviously not nice to experience.) Perhaps discourage any further requests to ‘old’ primary friends.

Now to focus on his new start at primary. What extra curricular activities /clubs do the school run at lunch and after school, encourage him to attend (& keep going.) Does he do any other clubs?
A friend of mines daughter started refusing to go in yr7 saying that all the other kids were paired up In friendships (of course they weren’t and even if they were friends it didn’t make them not want other friends she needed to alter her perception.) If there are a couple that he speaks to or works with in class why not ask them back one Friday or Saturday for a pizza and to do a shared activity which in my experience of 11th yr old boys either involves kicking a football /watching football or gaming. If he’s not into football or gaming it can be a little harder to find a likeminded boy at that age but they will definitely be there. What are his interests and we will try & help you come up with ideas?

What is he doing at lunch times and breaks? How does he get to and from school? Is there someone he can walk with?

It is pretty much social suicide in Yr7 to have your mum asking other mums about your kids friendship so you need to keep out of it at that end. Kids friendships do run their course, I had several best friends that I was inseparable with & then completely ‘broke up with’ to move into a new friend. I think it’s the intensity of those friendships that means you do everything together then one of you gets sick of the other and kids don’t have the social skills to distance themselves politely. My DC have always chosen to have a circle of friends and I’ve always encouraged that rather than the ‘best friend’ mentality.

it’s such early days at secondary, he will be more established soon. His form tutor sounds terrible though, email the head of year & say he needs help establishing friendships.

Also it sounds really superficial but does your son look like he fits in eg similar branded clothes / hairstyle /coat.

Your poor son, I remember the angst of losing friendships in high school all too well.

What I can say that as a male in my 30's my 3 best friends and I didn't go to primary together. One was from my registration (is that the same as a form class in England?) class but we weren't really friends in S1/2, one is someone I only really got friendly with in S4/5 and the other is actually someone I've known since birth, we drifted apart and only really became close again in S4/5.

This is a reminder of how cruel kids can be at times!

Like pretty much everyone has said, if your son has extra-curricular interests I'd recommend joining some clubs relating to them. Or even something within the school? Is he sporty or musical or does he have any niche interests that could be good chances to meet people from other classes?

Even if he's not that sporty, joining something like a rugby/football team could be a great way to open up entirely new social circles for him.

I hope you and him can find a solution.

Some good advice here. I have 1 socially isolated son (his brothers are all fine) and I've never really pinned down why. He is anxious (has coinselling) and shy. He's 17 now and still not much further forward. Had good friendships until end of primary. We've offered/tried all manner of clubs, opportunities, encouragement. Our basic standpoint has been fun times as family, that we've always got his back, not over analysing things with him, and as long as he is happy enough at school with some people to loosely hang around with I have to keep holding on tight and watching it unfold. He has no social life outside school now beyond stuff he does with us or on his own and I don't think he'll keep in touch with any of his group when he leaves. He talks to no one online. But he is the funniest, chattiest person at home. Stuff just hasnt clicked for him. This probably is the last thing you want to hear but there may not be any easy fix. You can't fix it for him. But keep him busy and try not to let him dwell on it. Keep working on his self esteem and I live in faith that our boys will find their tribe. I'm shocked about school - pastoral support has always been available for my DS and excellent form teachers as well (though again none of this has fixed the issue). Good luck and hold on tight. I feel your pain.

It seems vital here not to characterise this as your DS's neverending failed friendships. That stigmatises him and feeds into this unhelpful narrative he's got about how it'll never work out and always be like this. As others have said, the primary situation was bullying and horrible, but shouldn't be seen as a continuum into secondary and the club. It's very common for primary friendships to break up at secondary. My DS1 was great mates with a group at primary but has never seen them since, while DS2 still walks to secondary with his old friend but as soon as they reach school they split up and don't hang out there at all. Also my DS2 has made new friends in y8 after not really finding his people in y7. So don't lose heart or treat it like it's your DS's ongoing problem. Better to see it that a few weeks into secondary, he's not found the right friends yet. That's not a neverending problem with him, more a temporary situational problem that might take time but angsting won't help.

That said, obviously your heart hurts for your lovely boy and you want to help. As well as the good suggestions to join outside groups (the local youth theatre group was a lifesaver in my teens when school friendships got too fraught), does he do online gaming at all? My DS2 plays with kids all over the world on his VR games and it's a great way to get a fix of interaction with some peers and have some fun and physical exercise. You might be wisely cautious of such things being unhealthy or risky, but the younger skewing games like gorilla tag and rec room have given him a fun release and no aggro so far. As long as you're on it with the parental controls and he knows who to (not) talk to, I'd definitely consider it, as a confidence booster and some uplift.

Your poor boy.

Friendships are funny things. My DD never had many friends at school, just 1 best friend (she is still friends with now she's grown) and 2 less close friends. She was never socially stunted but a little bit odd in some ways (autistic but very well masked). My DS had a large circle of friends and was popular. Both attended separate 6th form colleges out of catchment. My DD made new friends way easier than my DS! It's not just about the child but the setting and the stage of life they are at.

Both my DC attended a sports activity and an extra curricular club (e.g. St John Ambulance) each week. In my DDs case the sport (rugby) was the first time she met other girls like her (I.e. not interested in hair, boys and fashion - although that changed as she got older) and provided her with a much wider friendship network completely independent of school. Although my DC have not been bullied it made me realise the importance of having different networks. If one is a struggle it has way less effect on your self esteem if the other(s) are still supportive. I guess it's a variation on "don't put your eggs in the same basket".

A couple of things you may want to consider on top of this:

Your DS sounds like a lovely, sensitive boy. Unfortunately, bullies can sense vulnerability like sharks sense blood in the water. If you have a child like this it is vital to teach them how to assert their own boundaries. Sometimes I've seen parents raise their children to be considerate, polite, well-behaved and all those lovely attributes but for a naturally non-assertive child this can result in them being unable to stand up for themselves unless they're given strategies to do that. You may find that some significant boundary pushing was going on way before the final fall out. If so, and had your DS been able to recognise it and push back, the relationship may have ended anyway he'd have been in more of a position of strength. Something to think about maybe.

Try not to put too much pressure on him by commiserating with him too much. Absolutely you need to be supportive and empathetic and he should never be made to feel that he's being silly or over-reacting. However, part of his resilience building needs to come from accepting that some people are jerks and when they show themselves to be that way you are better off without them rather than feeling rejected.

Kids can be notoriously unkind and I honestly think he's just had a run of bad luck. Helping him to see this while also encouraging him to be more assertive and develop friendships outside of school can all help protect him in the future and regrow his confidence now.

Hope he feels better soon.

Oh my goodness, I feel so heartbroken for your son and for you after reading your post. Kids can be so cruel to one another.

He sounds lovely, but kids are cruel. His niceness can be perceived as weakness or as being uncool, and when they start secondary this becomes something they’re acutely aware of, so he’s been turned upon and left out.

Awful to have happen and awful to witness as a parent.

Can I pick this apart a little bit because there’s a narrative running through these events that is creating a self limiting belief.

There’s three different things at play here and they’re not necessarily closely connected.

The first is the bullying incidents with the girl.

The second is primary school friendships ending with the transition to secondary
The third is the difficulty finding his feet socially in secondary.

The narrative that’s been constructed makes him responsible, or flawed in some way and the logical conclusion, which he has reached, is that history is doomed to repeat itself and that all the issues will manifest again in secondary. Those are beliefs holding him back.

But the most concerning thing in your op is that the school isn’t interested - any school that doesn’t take an interest in the student’s socioemotional development is by definition a shit school, regardless of their ofsted ratings. I’d seriously consider a move. Or if that’s not possible, find him a coach who will work with him to make friends. There’s more awareness of the need for this with neurodivergent dc - I’m not suggesting that he is ND, but that’s where I’d start looking for resources and expertise.

Bullying is awful but it should have been dealt with as such, on both occasions.

Kids drop friendships in the transition to secondary - usually because they’re coping with an enormous degree of overwhelm. It’s not about him, and honestly you can over encourage his sensitivity about it. Often they will reconnect again in a few years.

For now I’d take the emphasis off making friends - with both of mine I told them to form alliances in secondary. Be diplomatic. I gave them ideas of things to say to the person they sat beside, how to be approachable or how to make yourself less unapproachable.

If he plays football that is a huge help. Be aware that boys socialise via screen games so factor that into your screen policy at home - get whatever console the other kids are using. If he’s not sporty, there could be other clubs in school to join. Or a D&D group.

Be aware that group dynamics change enormously in teens - intimate friendships move towards group dynamics. So don’t put weight on any friendships he might form.