On the verge of a breakdown (possible ND 5 year old)

[Blueberrybutterfly]

Our 5 year old is extremely hard work. I think he is ND, but not diagnosed yet as he’s very articulate, academic and sociable.
But I’m so bloody exhausted.
He doesn’t stop talking from morning until night. He wakes up at 6am everyday, sometimes earlier, he goes to bed at 7:30/8 but whatever time he goes to bed it doesn’t matter. As soon as he’s awake, he wants us to be up too. One of the things he’ll do is turn on the light in our bedroom while we are still asleep.

He also comes into our bed most nights, from around 2am-4am onwards. And one of us goes into his bed, as space is an issue.

He needs constant attention during the day, he won’t just sit and entertain himself for any of the time.
He also wants us to go to the toilet with him whenever he needs to go, it’s like he doesn’t want to do anything on his own…but he never cries or gets distressed about going to school, in fact he looks forward to it.

We have very little in the way of support. My parents live 3 hours drive away and even when we do see them, they don’t really look after him so we can have a break.

My in laws are in their 70s but good health, they live about 20 mins away, but also don’t give us much support. Whenever they see him, we go round there too. They may occasionally look after him for an hour or pick him up from school, again only got around 20 mins until I come to get him.

Mine and DH’s relationship is at breaking point…we only have him as our one child, but it feels like several. We never get any down time.

I really have no idea what to do: he’s currently testing the boundaries with us more than usual and it’s debilitating.

@Fivetyfour
He was at the school nursery first for a few months and they mentioned they thought there was something going on but that was after he’d only been there a few weeks. Then they never mentioned it again. It hasn’t been mentioned in reception yet either.

I think the same, surely one child shouldn’t be this hard? Reading the comments I feel a bit rubbish, I think about how many parents I know with two or more children and wonder how they manage? If this is just the norm as so many posters have said.

I think it's easier with more than one as you just have to get on with things and are a bit tougher about stuff. Plus they play with/talk to/try to kill each other. The whole concept of a five year old amusing themselves alone is completely bewildering to me. What on earth would anyone expect them to do? It's totally unnatural for a baby mammal to want to hang out by themselves. Unless you have one of those perfect girls who like colouring in and sit doing puzzles. They were always annoying!

If you only have one your entire focus is on them, their sleep, them wanting undivided attention, their wellbeing. Have 3 under 5 and you just make sure they are alive, ate something today, are hosed down at the end of the day. You get really good at totally tuning them out - no need for those noise cancelling headphones you really should try - as you develop a weird natural version of the same thing. And lying next to them in bed to help them sleep is not a problem as you fall asleep faster than they do.

I couldn’t cope with another child and neither could my DH, so that’s off the cards. Maybe we should have had another one sooner. But it feels like the age gap is too big now.

Oh God no, don't have more! But that's just my perspective that it's actually quite hard with just one. I wouldn't have found it easy at all. More is tricky on other ways but it forces you to sort things out that you let slide otherwise, and it takes the pressure off having to do all the playing with them.

Whenever I was down to one it was hard work having to be the focus of fun time and constant chatter.

How many clubs does he go to in the afternoon / evenings?

Some of these things sound typical, some maybe not. It's very hard tell online I think. For example, I don't think it's that unusual for a child to want a parent to lie next to them while they fall asleep. Or to want to come in their bed in the night, or to wake up early. But it's probably all of the other stuff adding up that makes you think he is ND and that's hard to get a sense of online.

In my entirely unqualified random person on the Internet opinion, he does sound anxious. That could be due to autism (I know lots of autistic people experience high anxiety) or could be a thing on its own.

So what would make him feel secure? I imagine you have probably tried standard boundary setting things with him around all these various behaviors. I suppose if he doesn't respond to the more typical strategies then it makes sense to look at strategies for neurodiverse children and see if they would help. Social stories etc I know help a lot of kids.

I completely relate to you about the struggle of no family support. I agree with pp that it sounds like you would benefit from getting a regular babysitter. That way you can at least have some time to recharge yourself, which would ultimately benefit you and DS.

I hope you manage to get some rest soon and find some strategies that help you all.

That’s a load of you know what. Loads of kids are up in the night and need extra support at night etc. I know kids who are 9/10/11 who need their parents at night and who get up early. Please believe me when I say you’re not alone. Also, it sounds like you need to adjust your expectations and perhaps come up with a routine where both you and your partner get some down time. Your son may or may not be ND and there is no way that anyone in this chat would know that as we haven’t met him. Speak to school and maybe the GP to see what they think.

I agree. It sounds in the realm of normal five year old behaviour. But it sounds like you need a break.
Get a regular babysitter. It does sound, to some degree, that there is an element of "trying it on" at home.
5 year old kids need boundaries. Make some.

My child was much like this. I just gave up on myself for a few years - but now things are easier and they do entertain themselves and even sleep in their own bed thank goodness! I wonder about ADHD but don't want to medicate (seen a friend's child suffer severe side effects from medication that ruined their chance of A levels).

What I can say is that gradually it will all get easier. I'm sorry it's so hard now, but it's true when people say "the days are long but the years are short".

I think it's much harder with no family support. Also, although your child may be normal, my experience is that even from age 2 my children have both been able to entertain themselves for short periods when they're in the right mood. Even my second who is very demanding and always wanting attention. I don't think it's normal for a 5 year old to need constant entertainment. Coming in your bed is normal though - you just have to not let them stay.

I find this thread pretty refreshing as the typical responses on mumsnet to anyone saying anything negative about their kid ever is that they child may be ND.

Just another voice to say that your son sounds like all the NT 5 year olds I know, including my own child. And yes, the fact he is an only child might be exacerbating the issues and your perception of them. Things will get easier as he gets old and I think the priority for now is getting a break for yourself as you just sound worn out. Things will get easier.