On the verge of a breakdown (possible ND 5 year old)

[Blueberrybutterfly]

Our 5 year old is extremely hard work. I think he is ND, but not diagnosed yet as he’s very articulate, academic and sociable.
But I’m so bloody exhausted.
He doesn’t stop talking from morning until night. He wakes up at 6am everyday, sometimes earlier, he goes to bed at 7:30/8 but whatever time he goes to bed it doesn’t matter. As soon as he’s awake, he wants us to be up too. One of the things he’ll do is turn on the light in our bedroom while we are still asleep.

He also comes into our bed most nights, from around 2am-4am onwards. And one of us goes into his bed, as space is an issue.

He needs constant attention during the day, he won’t just sit and entertain himself for any of the time.
He also wants us to go to the toilet with him whenever he needs to go, it’s like he doesn’t want to do anything on his own…but he never cries or gets distressed about going to school, in fact he looks forward to it.

We have very little in the way of support. My parents live 3 hours drive away and even when we do see them, they don’t really look after him so we can have a break.

My in laws are in their 70s but good health, they live about 20 mins away, but also don’t give us much support. Whenever they see him, we go round there too. They may occasionally look after him for an hour or pick him up from school, again only got around 20 mins until I come to get him.

Mine and DH’s relationship is at breaking point…we only have him as our one child, but it feels like several. We never get any down time.

I really have no idea what to do: he’s currently testing the boundaries with us more than usual and it’s debilitating.

@PermanentTemporary

Not a huge amount of disposable income unfortunately.

He doesn't sound atypical to me? I think he might just be an average five year old - they are knackering...

Someone like this - literally just the first result on googling. Works with NT and ND children. But ask around for recommendations.

Not necessarily. I think you’re hinting that it’s the parents’ fault when, actually, ND kids can present a completely different version of themselves at school vs home.

I used to despair that school got the best of my eldest when we got all the bad behaviour.

My youngest is autistic and demand avoidant. One thing about demand avoidant kids is they can be extremely demanding of others. And what’s even more galling is he can switch it off at school. He can be sitting near the TV remote and still demand that a parent walk out of another room to hand it to him. Parents of NT kids will just say “tell him no!” but those who know, know.

So the insisting on being accompanied to the toilet doesn’t sound so bizarre to me.

Edit: just to counter all the people with zero experience of neurodivergence saying he sounds totally normal - I see plenty of ND traits @Blueberrybutterfly

Also sounds like my 5 year old DS and also my older DS at that stage.

I only coped with the older one by getting as much physical activity into the day as possible. He learnt to climb out of his cot almost as soon as he could walk (around 18 months as was late), and for years would also get into my bed in the middle of the night and prise my eyes open as he wanted to play. He also hated school so that was another battle. I was a single parent at the time and it nearly broke me, you have my sympathy!

My now 5yo still insists on being accompanied to the toilet, I don't think that's unusual tbh.

This sounds completely normal. He sounds a lot like my seven year old who is NT. One evening last week she talked at me for so long I had to go and sit in the car. I get overwhelmed with it sometimes but I’m NT too. Have you had much past experience with children?

Can you throw some money at practical solutions? Try noise cancelling headphones. I'm not saying they will perform miracles but a half hour off here or there, or even just muted, might help you relax. A bigger bed if there is space.

My 8 year old never stops talking and has been that way since she was 3 years old. It’s relentless chatter about anything and everything and it’s mentally exhausting. I assumed this was normal.

My 18yo still talks to me relentlessly like this. The car thing is an excellent strategy 😊

@DixonD

I’ve worked in EYFS classrooms for 10 years. Totally different when it’s your own child though.

He does sound totally normal for age 5 though. It's just very full on. Agree with others that adjusting your expectations might be best.

In 10 years time you won't see him from one day to the next.

I see that you do have family. Can you abandon pride and ask one set of parents to take him for the weekend because you're desperate? Just give yourselves a break. It sounds like they will punish you a bit for it but it could be worth it

This sounds exactly like my life with my 7 year old. I am autistic and suspect adhd too, my eldest son is autistic and my 7 year old breaks me most days with his incessant talking, asking of questions and anxiety about everything, especially being alone. We have to talk through and plan anything different, we have just visited a theme park and had to watch all the rides on you tube before we went so he could decide whether he wanted to go on them. We have little support and no diagnosis as he masks at school and we get the backlash at home. I have no answers I'm sorry but completely empathise with how hard it is day to day.

My friends kids aren’t like this though.

Literally every parent I speak to says their child gets up at 8am, doesn’t need someone laying with them to help them fall asleep, after a story and a good night kiss it’s tucked in and straight to sleep.
They will entertain themselves and don’t need constant attention either.

A couple of the parents at the school gate say they have to drag their 5 year old out of bed in the morning for school.

Mine were the same at that age & were NT.

That's very unusual Op. He sounds like hard work, but totally normal.

One thing I’ve noticed is that you could list every stereotypical autistic/ADHD trait there is and people will RUN to tell you it’s normal 😂

Trust your gut.

Do your friends and family know that you're at the end of your tether? Or do they think you're leading an average life with an average 5 year old? I would guess they don't know. You need extra help right now until things improve. I think your loved ones would be glad to support you if you open up. This applies to your husband too.

I don't disagree @Jellycats4life but everything the Op has posted was my DCs when they were little. Plus I've never known any kids under 10/11 who have a sleep in. They're all up before 7am.

@Jellycats4life has it spot on! I completely agree about trusting your instincts. I knew there was something going on with my DD, once she started school I was even more sure of it. But I was constantly being told it was all normal & I found people a bit dismissive to be honest, especially the school. That’s so interesting about the demand avoidant stuff too, sums up my DD who can be very demanding although she wasn’t given a PDA profile at assessment she definitely has traits.

This.

you might have more helpful replies if you post in the SEN children section, OP.

Sounds quite a bit like my 6yo. Who is on the waiting list for an ASD & ADHD assessment.

I came across this lately and it seemed to describe him!
https://help4psychology.co.uk/blog/its-not-only-girls-who-can-mask/

I have two DS's. One is ND and one, so far we think is NT.

There are definitely some ND traits here but I agree with others that some are also normal so it could be six of one, half a dozen of another?

My NT child is almost 6 and he talks and moves absolutely non stop. He talks crap ALL day, and I mean all day. He's up at 6:30/7:00 every day and probably wakes in the middle of the night once or twice a week. He is happy to go for a wee by himself, but doesnt like going for a no2 alone as he's worried he'll fall in whilst he gets the loo roll. He can entertain himself, but he would much rather run literal rings around me and talk at me. He's MUCH better with his brother around as he has a constant playmate.

My ND boy, at 6 was actually very good at playing alone. He talked a lot, yes but no more than my youngest. His sleep was appalling. It would take him 2+ hrs to fall asleep every night and regardless of when he goes to bed he is up at 5:45, Every. Single. Morning. He has a whole host of sensory issues that my youngest doesn't have and he has incredibly poor executive functioning skills. He also lags behind socially. His younger brother doesn't struggle with either of those things.

So I'd say trust your gut, but also appreciate that probably some of what you are experiencing is just typical 5yo behaviour!

I would absolutely stop the turning the light on thing. Give him something positive to do and reward him for not. Pick one battle at a time and take it in small steps.

Ironically my ND brother slept amazingly well and played by himself happily for hours. My mother couldn't understand why my NT kids wouldn't sleep and wanted attention all the time.

Op, get the noise cancelling headphones. You can thank me later.

I’m sorry you’re getting that extreme rosy view from other parents. It must make you feel worse. That is nowhere near what I hear from the other parents in my children’s class I very typically hear everything you’re saying!

However, that doesn’t mean you’re not struggling and feeling very run down. Can you afford a baby sitter a couple of times a month as a place to start?