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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Chandler

54 replies

Chickenkeev · 30/10/2023 22:58

I really feel his loss. He was a stalwart of my growing up. It's a self indulgent post, i realise that. But i do feel it.

OP posts:
Antst · 31/10/2023 07:02

YNBU. In fact, this is one of the few reasonable posts I have seen about this situation.

You're clear that you miss the Friends character because Friends was such a big deal in the culture during your childhood. That's understandable. It is disorienting that we're old enough to see childhood stalwarts disappearing.

The worrying posts are the ones that conflate the character with the person. My reaction to the news is the opposite of yours. It's shocking to be reminded of what things were like. The publication of Britney's memoir and the reminder of how good this addict had it are a painful reminder.

That an addict with powerful connections was able to step into one of the best jobs on the planet and then keep it even when he showed up to work impaired. That a man with powerful connections was able to step right into the writers' room at the show and then bleat that no one else on the cast was "interested" in doing that. There are obviously still nepo babies but occasionally other people get opportunities these days, even women!

I do understand that Friends was a major part of childhood for many people and it's perfectly reasonable that the new is sad for you because of that but I'm glad that period is over.

TeenDivided · 31/10/2023 07:05

That is a weird take.
He was obviously capable at acting even when addicted.
Lots of actors don't also want to write.

sollenwir · 31/10/2023 07:09

Chandler the character still exists
Friends is still on Netflix.
You can still enjoy the show/the character.
As it is he was probably my favourite character, him and Phoebe, so I'll still enjoy it and be thankful.
It's sad that the actor behind him is no longer alive, but the actor and the character were/are completely separate entities.

Humpfree · 31/10/2023 07:10

Chandler Bing never existed. A man called Matthew Perry has died, a man with mental health problems and addictions - he had family and friends who cared about him. Who actually knew him.
It’s sad, but you didn’t know him. You knew Chandler Bing. Who never really existed.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 31/10/2023 07:10

While friends is amazing and something I’ve watched millions of times YABU it was 10 years of a 50 year old life so much more than chandler.

Also episodes such as the one with the shark / and his character being out of NYC show how much his addiction effected friends…. Beginning of the series Chandler wasn’t the same as later series Chandler. Being a celebrity sounds like hell not surprised that it really effects those with addiction very hard

Kernackered · 31/10/2023 07:13

Can you prove that it was his powerful connections allowing him into the writing team rather than his with and talent? Also do you actually know if any of the others wanted to write despite him claiming they didn't? Also if he was incapable of working, how come he is known as the funniest character of the most successful TV show of the 90's? Finally, why do you hate addicts so much? He was clearly another victim of the opioid crisis in America.

Antst · 31/10/2023 07:14

TeenDivided · 31/10/2023 07:05

That is a weird take.
He was obviously capable at acting even when addicted.
Lots of actors don't also want to write.

OP, this post is an example of what I was talking about. You understand that the character was not the person and are not trying to make excuses for the person.

Antst · 31/10/2023 07:29

Kernackered · 31/10/2023 07:13

Can you prove that it was his powerful connections allowing him into the writing team rather than his with and talent? Also do you actually know if any of the others wanted to write despite him claiming they didn't? Also if he was incapable of working, how come he is known as the funniest character of the most successful TV show of the 90's? Finally, why do you hate addicts so much? He was clearly another victim of the opioid crisis in America.

Posts like yours really take me back to that time. Now there's a perception that it was only powerful male studio bosses who were responsible for that system of always putting a white, wealthy, connected man at the top of the heap and then making excuses for absolutely anything he did. But your attitude is so familiar. It was rabid fans who couldn't separate movie/TV characters from the actors behind them who supported that system.

Anyway, no point in trying to convince a superfan! Your comment speaks for itself. None of what you've said is consistent with what people associated with the show and the man himself have said. I'll be glad when this all disappears from the news so I'm not getting annoyed about the many people who were denied opportunities because even entrenched addicts who showed up to work under the influence were ahead of them in line.

allsfairin · 31/10/2023 07:37

If you read someone's autobiography, you do know them on one level. Not a two way relationship, obviously, but still, you will understand and identify with parts of their story, and disagree with them in other parts, so their death is like losing someone you have some sort of relationship with

Gazelda · 31/10/2023 07:40

@Antst I don't think anyone was denied an opportunity because he had influence despite being an addict and under the influence at times.

People were denied opportunities because he had the talent to be cast in the role, continued to play it very well and was an integral part of a group of people that sparked incredibly well together. If he'd been sacked, I suspect that all of that would be lost. As would he have been - there's a duty of care to employees no matter how high their stardom.

Your lack of compassion to an illness is a shame.

Kernackered · 31/10/2023 07:49

Eh? What makes you think I'm a rabid fan or a super fan? I watched the show in the 90s and really enjoyed it. Not seen it again, nor even watched the reunion. But I was saddened by his death. I haven't read his book, am aware that he was an addict, have heard his own admission that he doesn't remember filming 3 whole series and know he has struggled with getting free from his addiction. I also know that despite all that he was really fucking funny, much more so than the other 5 and clearly had talent despite his connections. Why do you keep insisting people are confusing the character with the actor on multipke threads? And do you have some kind of inside knowledge that the others really wanted to write but weren't allowed to but the door was open to him purely because of his family and the talent he displayed wasn't actually real?

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 31/10/2023 07:53

@sollenwir I think this is a little disrespectful to Monica and the twins. They have lost their husband and father.

TeenDivided · 31/10/2023 07:58

Antst · 31/10/2023 07:14

OP, this post is an example of what I was talking about. You understand that the character was not the person and are not trying to make excuses for the person.

Show quote history

Anst - I was replying to you where you were talking about the person not the character. I am quite capable of distinguishing the two.
I was commenting on your non backed up comments that it was nepotism that allowed him to stay in his role and go into the actors room, no more.

Hughs · 31/10/2023 08:24

the reminder of how good this addict had it

Yeah, he had it really good, lucky bastard with his exploding colon and mental health problems and premature death.

mangochops · 31/10/2023 08:28

I love chandler bing and I loved friends. However, my opinion of matt perry is not massively favourable. I found his book quite shocking- he blames everyone else for his addiction, the way he talked about women was very much based solely on their looks and how attractive they were (in terms of their value to him) and he just came across as quite narcissistic in it. Its incredibly sad that he spiralled into addiction and I am sad about his death but having read his book, its very obvious why he relapsed so often.

sollenwir · 31/10/2023 09:02

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 31/10/2023 07:53

@sollenwir I think this is a little disrespectful to Monica and the twins. They have lost their husband and father.

Is that an attempt at humour?
It's a fail, sorry, not funny at all.
Courtney Cox is no doubt missing him terribly right now.

JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 31/10/2023 09:07

Pfft. Whatever.

CatamaranViper · 31/10/2023 09:31

I know this makes me sound mad, but when I think of friends I think of where I see them all in my head now. Ross and Rachel with a couple of kids, married, living near Monica and chandler. Phoebe and Mike with their kids still in NY. Joey finally found love and a stable acting role. I imagine them getting together for birthdays and events. Now chandler has died I'm imagining all the pain they're all going through.

I know that specifically isn't real and it's really upsetting to think of him dying alone considering how much comfort and companionship he gave to fans.

Now all that said, I'm not wailing in the streets or posting long, heartfelt dedications to him online. I feel sad, he's on my mind. I hope he's found peace.

x2boys · 31/10/2023 09:37

Antst · 31/10/2023 07:02

YNBU. In fact, this is one of the few reasonable posts I have seen about this situation.

You're clear that you miss the Friends character because Friends was such a big deal in the culture during your childhood. That's understandable. It is disorienting that we're old enough to see childhood stalwarts disappearing.

The worrying posts are the ones that conflate the character with the person. My reaction to the news is the opposite of yours. It's shocking to be reminded of what things were like. The publication of Britney's memoir and the reminder of how good this addict had it are a painful reminder.

That an addict with powerful connections was able to step into one of the best jobs on the planet and then keep it even when he showed up to work impaired. That a man with powerful connections was able to step right into the writers' room at the show and then bleat that no one else on the cast was "interested" in doing that. There are obviously still nepo babies but occasionally other people get opportunities these days, even women!

I do understand that Friends was a major part of childhood for many people and it's perfectly reasonable that the new is sad for you because of that but I'm glad that period is over.

That just shows what a,talent he had
Friends is still wildly popular nearly 20 years after it finished all,over the world
You might not like it
But millions watch it every day its not just good writing but good acting from all of them and comic timing

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 10:12

Antst · 31/10/2023 07:02

YNBU. In fact, this is one of the few reasonable posts I have seen about this situation.

You're clear that you miss the Friends character because Friends was such a big deal in the culture during your childhood. That's understandable. It is disorienting that we're old enough to see childhood stalwarts disappearing.

The worrying posts are the ones that conflate the character with the person. My reaction to the news is the opposite of yours. It's shocking to be reminded of what things were like. The publication of Britney's memoir and the reminder of how good this addict had it are a painful reminder.

That an addict with powerful connections was able to step into one of the best jobs on the planet and then keep it even when he showed up to work impaired. That a man with powerful connections was able to step right into the writers' room at the show and then bleat that no one else on the cast was "interested" in doing that. There are obviously still nepo babies but occasionally other people get opportunities these days, even women!

I do understand that Friends was a major part of childhood for many people and it's perfectly reasonable that the new is sad for you because of that but I'm glad that period is over.

I get what you're saying, but he never had a chance. He had addiction issues from 14. He never had a chance at a normal life. My DD is 12, she's a baby. The thoughts of her struggling with addiction/substance abuse in 2 years time is horrific and unbelievable. He really didn't have a chance at all. Money is great (believe me, i could do with some atm!) But you can't put a price on MH.

OP posts:
allsfairin · 31/10/2023 12:19

mangochops · 31/10/2023 08:28

I love chandler bing and I loved friends. However, my opinion of matt perry is not massively favourable. I found his book quite shocking- he blames everyone else for his addiction, the way he talked about women was very much based solely on their looks and how attractive they were (in terms of their value to him) and he just came across as quite narcissistic in it. Its incredibly sad that he spiralled into addiction and I am sad about his death but having read his book, its very obvious why he relapsed so often.

I found his book very honest, he spoke about his genuine feelings and experiences, he didn't sugar coat anything, nor did he make any effort to paint himself in a favourable light. If anything, quite the reverse

Antst · 31/10/2023 18:59

mangochops · 31/10/2023 08:28

I love chandler bing and I loved friends. However, my opinion of matt perry is not massively favourable. I found his book quite shocking- he blames everyone else for his addiction, the way he talked about women was very much based solely on their looks and how attractive they were (in terms of their value to him) and he just came across as quite narcissistic in it. Its incredibly sad that he spiralled into addiction and I am sad about his death but having read his book, its very obvious why he relapsed so often.

Yes, you said it better than I did. He wasn't unique. Those were pretty common attitudes back then. Even in recent comments, he and people who talk about things he told them would focus on the "beautiful" part of wanting a wife. Maybe he is not responsible for the attitudes he had because he was a product of his time, but I'm not sad that time has passed.

Antst · 31/10/2023 19:02

Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 10:12

I get what you're saying, but he never had a chance. He had addiction issues from 14. He never had a chance at a normal life. My DD is 12, she's a baby. The thoughts of her struggling with addiction/substance abuse in 2 years time is horrific and unbelievable. He really didn't have a chance at all. Money is great (believe me, i could do with some atm!) But you can't put a price on MH.

Show quote history

You do have a good point. You're right that a 14-year-old who got into substances didn't have much of a chance.

It wasn't just the addiction, but his attitudes about women (he only seemed to care about looks and didn't seem to see them as equals but as markers of success). But then those attitudes and behaviours weren't unusual for people of that generation and he wasn't responsible for the attitudes he learned as a kid.

Original poster
Chickenkeev · 31/10/2023 19:31

Antst · 31/10/2023 19:02

You do have a good point. You're right that a 14-year-old who got into substances didn't have much of a chance.

It wasn't just the addiction, but his attitudes about women (he only seemed to care about looks and didn't seem to see them as equals but as markers of success). But then those attitudes and behaviours weren't unusual for people of that generation and he wasn't responsible for the attitudes he learned as a kid.

Show quote history

If it was 'of his generation' can we blame him? Fwiw, my H is in his 50s, he gets on.

OP posts:
Ilovecleaning · 31/10/2023 19:36

Humpfree · 31/10/2023 07:10

Chandler Bing never existed. A man called Matthew Perry has died, a man with mental health problems and addictions - he had family and friends who cared about him. Who actually knew him.
It’s sad, but you didn’t know him. You knew Chandler Bing. Who never really existed.

Gosh! I didn’t know this. I thought Chandler Bing was real. I thought the 6 friends actually lived in New York. At one point I thought about going to visit and hoping to run into them in Central Perk. thank you for explaining.

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