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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD's BF's mum is being VU?

52 replies

tulip92 · 30/10/2023 19:18

DD(16) and her BF(recently turned 17) went to a Halloween party on Saturday night at a friends house. Both her BF's parents were away on Saturday night so he would have been going home to an empty house. DD asked if after the party her BF could stay the night at ours, with her in her room. Me and DH discussed it and said yes, they are not going to have sex with us in the same house. After the party they walked back and he stayed the night in her room, no issues although they were both slightly drunk. I hadn't checked with his parents if this was alright, DD has spent the night there supposedly in his bed so didn't feel a need to make him sleep in the guest room.

Today I received an angry message from his mum saying that I should have separated them. I sent a message back saying I didn't think I was at fault but in future I will separate them and DD should have told me that his mum had made her sleep in the guest room. She then sent another angry message saying he won't be coming back to our house and if DD wants to see him she will have to come to his house where she can supervise. I am now very angry with myself as I know DD loves having him over and he gets on so well with my two DS as well.

AIBU or is she BU??

OP posts:
AllAboardTootToot · 30/10/2023 19:22

They are both consenting adults, the other mother needs to realise he’s 17, not 14/15, should he choose to have sex it’s on him.

Yes under your roof at their age probably isn’t something I would encourage but had they gone back to his does she think they would have slept in separate rooms?

If she feels she can’t trust him at 17, then don’t leave him alone then. It’s not on you to parent his choices and boundaries she wants.

Changingplace · 30/10/2023 19:23

She’s being ridiculous and they’re both old enough to make their own choices anyway, if she thinks separating them to sleep with stop them having sex she’s incredibly naive - the conversation should be about safe consentual sex.

Changingplace · 30/10/2023 19:24

Oh also, if the other parents were both away shes lucky they weren’t doing it swinging from her lightfittings, shes a fool!

MiddleClassProblem · 30/10/2023 19:31

Tbh they sound like they are quite innocent. If I was their age and my bf had an empty house, sure as hell that’s where I would have been…

Restinggoddess · 30/10/2023 19:43

I know it’s not a popular viewpoint- so I am adding as an alternative!

As a mum of a son - I was quite surprised by how many parents facilitated him sleeping over. ( and before you start I am not naive about teenagers having sex - hear me out!

We had experienced the consequences of a young man who got his girlfriend pregnant at a young age ( not my son if this is not clear) clearly he should take responsibility for contraception etc but mistakes happen ( as we all know on here) he was then excluded ( except financially) from his child and was quite traumatised by the events

My POV is that you should respect the parents - if this had been the mother of a girl who was upset that you had facilitated her staying over with your son I think you would understand more

To be clear - I appreciate teenagers have sex, I am not a prude - but there should be some appreciation of parenting views and that the current relaxed view of enabling youngsters to have partners at a young age is not always a good thing

No need to pile on - this is to present an alternative view and a bit of balance

Createausername1970 · 30/10/2023 19:45

The other mum does seem to be a bit OTT. They went away and left him in his own, and she is moaning that another parent gave him a bed for the night?

They could have gone back to his empty house, so if raunchy sex was what was on the agenda then that's were they would have gone!

She needs a head wobble.

Prescottdanni123 · 30/10/2023 19:51

The fact she asked if her boyfriend could stay over at yours with you two in the house and presumably within ear shot instead of staying one together in an empty house suggests that they are both more mature than most teenagers in my opinion

Thepossibility · 30/10/2023 20:01

Lol at them not having sex because you're in the same house. I had plenty of sneaky sex in my mum's house.

TeaKitten · 30/10/2023 20:04

they are not going to have sex with us in the same house

Sorry OP, but that’s just plain stupid. However they are both the age of consent and you didn’t no the other mums rules. Don’t kid yourself that drunk teens aren’t having sex with other people in the house though.

avocadotofu · 30/10/2023 20:05

The other mum sounds OTT to me.

Prescottdanni123 · 30/10/2023 20:09

@TeaKitten

Far less likely to do so in an empty house though. I doubt they would ask to stay at OP's house if they were planning on bonking. Who risks mum and dad overhear you having sex when there is an empty house you can use?

Laurama91 · 30/10/2023 20:09

Separate rooms won't stop them either. At that age me and my then boyfriend would just do what we wanted before going off to separate rooms. So unless she wants them constantly supervised, she won't stop them doing what they want

TeaKitten · 30/10/2023 20:11

Prescottdanni123 · 30/10/2023 20:09

@TeaKitten

Far less likely to do so in an empty house though. I doubt they would ask to stay at OP's house if they were planning on bonking. Who risks mum and dad overhear you having sex when there is an empty house you can use?

OP may not have given permission for them to sleep in the empty house.

AlanJohnsonsBeemer · 30/10/2023 20:13

I didn’t allow DS to have girlfriends staying in his room at that age, but I certainly wouldn’t have had a go at you about it. I imagine if we went away he would have stayed at home and flouted to rule completely.

Fionaville · 30/10/2023 20:16

He's 17! What kind of 'supervision' does his mum give them? YANBU
I would just leave it though. Unfortunately, it's the BF's battle to fight. I certainly wouldn't change how you deal with BF when/if he comes to your house. A 17 year old lad certainly doesn't need his mum and GF's mum, micromanaging his relationship with his GF. It's not a 7 year olds playdate.

wildwestpioneer · 30/10/2023 20:20

I think the other Mum is bu and shouldn't be having a go at you. But in your shoes I'd have let him stay over, but not in the same room as your dd. You could have offered him the sofa. I think you're being extremely naive to think that just because you're in the house they won't have sex.

BlossomOfOrange · 30/10/2023 20:24

Have you and the BF’s mum met before? This could be an overreaction due to lack of control. Perhaps ask to meet to work out expectations and boundaries together. You don’t need to agree to anything but can hear her out which in itself could help her, and you

MermaidMaggie · 30/10/2023 20:30

Honestly, I can sort of see her POV.

Of course they're going to have sex, they will sneak off and do it without waiting for sleepovers. That's a given.

But allowing them to sleep in the same bed at your house is progessing their relationship onto a more adult footing. Too much too soon IMHO.

Honestly I think teenage pregnancy is something most mums want to avoid if at all possible, so by keeping certain boundaries in place as long as possible then you're at least trying to discourage accidents.

Also, don't be naive, of course they would have had sex with you in the house!

SpuddyMary · 30/10/2023 20:43

they are not going to have sex with us in the same house

Lol 😂

Dacadactyl · 30/10/2023 20:45

I agree with the boyfriends mum tbh. I would've been fuming with you too.

In your shoes tho, I'd be most annoyed with your daughter for not saying they were in separate rooms at his place.

Cas112 · 30/10/2023 20:46

'they are not going to have sex with us in the same house'

That part is very funny OP. Very naive 😂

Growlybear83 · 30/10/2023 20:47

I think the boyfriend's mother is being ridiculous. I also think you're being naive to think that your daughter and her boyfriend wouldn't have sex in the house with you there!

2chocolateoranges · 30/10/2023 20:49

If my dds boyfriends mum had phoned me to complain i would have told her that they are both consenting adults and what they do together has nothing to do with you.

she’s delusional if she thinks not letting them share the same bed will ensure they don’t have sex!

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/10/2023 20:49

I can see her pov tbh.

Your daughter was a bit sneaky not mentioning the guest room.

Witchesdontburn · 30/10/2023 20:49

Time to make sure there are plenty of condoms available