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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think DD's BF's mum is being VU?

52 replies

tulip92 · 30/10/2023 19:18

DD(16) and her BF(recently turned 17) went to a Halloween party on Saturday night at a friends house. Both her BF's parents were away on Saturday night so he would have been going home to an empty house. DD asked if after the party her BF could stay the night at ours, with her in her room. Me and DH discussed it and said yes, they are not going to have sex with us in the same house. After the party they walked back and he stayed the night in her room, no issues although they were both slightly drunk. I hadn't checked with his parents if this was alright, DD has spent the night there supposedly in his bed so didn't feel a need to make him sleep in the guest room.

Today I received an angry message from his mum saying that I should have separated them. I sent a message back saying I didn't think I was at fault but in future I will separate them and DD should have told me that his mum had made her sleep in the guest room. She then sent another angry message saying he won't be coming back to our house and if DD wants to see him she will have to come to his house where she can supervise. I am now very angry with myself as I know DD loves having him over and he gets on so well with my two DS as well.

AIBU or is she BU??

OP posts:
Ibravedaflood · 30/10/2023 20:49

I left home at 17...

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/10/2023 20:52

2chocolateoranges · 30/10/2023 20:49

If my dds boyfriends mum had phoned me to complain i would have told her that they are both consenting adults and what they do together has nothing to do with you.

she’s delusional if she thinks not letting them share the same bed will ensure they don’t have sex!

They can legally consent but they aren't adults.

theduchessofspork · 30/10/2023 20:53

Don’t be angry with yourself - they are both over the age of consent, and it is both their fault if his mother separates them and they neglected to tell you that.

I see his mother’s POV - she’s probably terrified he’ll get your daughter pregnant, but she’s a fool if she doesn’t realise their are umpteenth places they can have sex.

I would send a calm message back saying you appreciate she’s upset, it would be good to talk when she’s able.

In the meantime establish if they are using reliable contraception? If not sort that out - it’s your child that will get pregnant so never mind what his mum thinks about that. You are being naive BTW To think they won’t have sex with you in the house - oh yes they will.

Whatwillnye · 30/10/2023 20:55

I wouldn't respond to anyone without discussing it with your daughter. It's her and her boyfriend's relationship, it's your home and you had an open discussion with your daughter about what your family are happy with under your roof.

It's quite vulgar for the mother of a consenting child to contact you so aggressively. She's stating she's going to supervise your daughter in her home.

Your daughter has shown maturity by approaching the subject of beds and sleeping arrangements. Undermining by responding to her bf mum without working with your daughter in my opinion.

"Interesting perspective, thank you for your input on supervised contact with my daughter. 🙃"

batsandeggs · 30/10/2023 20:55

Yeah she’s overreacting. You didn’t do anything wrong. Equally, your daughter was a bit sneaky not mentioning the guest room and I guarantee if they are having sex then you being home won’t stop them. Especially if they were a bit tipsy!

haribosmarties · 30/10/2023 20:57

Very odd. I don't think policing her 17 year old sons life to that extent is going to end well for her.
I was always surprised by this. I once had a friend come back to mine to eat pizza and watch a film. We were both 17. It did not cross my or my parents minds to contact his parents. We weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend. My parents were woken at midnight by his mum ringing them and shouting at them because he had texted them saying where he was then his phone had died and it was past midnight.. and his mum tried to shout at my parents about this as tho her nearly 18 year old son was somehow their responsibility. My mum just laughed and hung up on her. Harsh. But she was being ridiculous.
The issue is between the parents and the boy. She's no right to get angry with you. If her son has in someway broken rules or agreements with her that's between them. Absolutely ridiculous to expect other parents to be policing your 17 year olds (unless an emergency or the 17 year olds are doing something dangerous or illegal etc) I'd honestly never check in with a 17 year olds parents unless there was extenuating circumstances.. obviously I'd contact the parents if I were concerned about anything.

MermaidMaggie · 30/10/2023 20:57

2chocolateoranges · 30/10/2023 20:49

If my dds boyfriends mum had phoned me to complain i would have told her that they are both consenting adults and what they do together has nothing to do with you.

she’s delusional if she thinks not letting them share the same bed will ensure they don’t have sex!

They're not legally classed as adults.

Whilst they can legally consent, they're not yet in a position to deal with the consequences of an accidental pregnancy The parents would be the ones having to support them if that did occur, so I can see why his mum would be annoyed.

Playing at being grown up before you can deal with the consequences is not a good thing to encourage.

Delt · 30/10/2023 21:03

Awww OP of course, they just got into bed and held hands....no idea why the boyfriends Mum is being so unreasonable.

16 & 17yrs old - in bed - drunk - what could possibly go wrong?

👪👶

Autiebibliophile · 30/10/2023 21:08

Personally under 18 I would have done separate bedrooms, but I don't think you should have contacted her to check. Your house your choice. If his mum didn't want him sharing a bed the responsibility was his if he chose to say.

Haveyouanyjam · 30/10/2023 21:12

I think she is definitely being unreasonable, but would wonder how long they’ve been together? My boyfriend and I shared a bed (even had to sleep in the spare room at his house) at 17 but we were clearly a committed relationship. His mum was quite conservative in that way but still respected that we were nearly adults and weren’t just a flash in the pan - I mean it was months before uni when you’re going to go off and live completely by yourself.

MayThe4th · 30/10/2023 21:27

I think that as a society we’ve gone too far the other way in so much as that we’ve almost reached a stage where we’re encouraging children (because they are still children) to have sex.

I think it’s one thing to acknowledge that at 16 and 17 they may be having sex, it’s quite another to facilitate it by putting them into a more adult relationship than they are by letting them share a bed.

And for people saying that “well, would you rather they had sex in the back of a car” well, why not? People have been doing it for decades. Having sneaky sex as a teen is a right of passage.

I think there are bigger issues at play here than the mum ringing you to have a go.

Firstly, your DD didn’t tell you that at his house she slept in the spare room.

Secondly, he clearly went home and told his mum that he’d shared a bed with your DD. How else would she have known to message you.

So I think the pair of them are doing a nice job of playing the two of you off against each other and I would be fuming about that more than the mother’s reaction.

Khvdrt · 30/10/2023 21:31

You’re very naive to think they won’t have sex with you in the house. However at 17 i don’t think the mum really gets a say

Original poster
tulip92 · 30/10/2023 21:35

They've been together for about 8 months. I know they've already had sex, she told me! She's on birth control so I know she's being protected and she told me they use condoms as well. They wouldn't have sex with me and DH in the house, I walked in on DS and his GF last year and so she knows the consequences she would face!

They board together at school so there is nothing I can do to stop them as I'm not there, just make sure they are being safe. His parents travel a lot for work and are barely at home so he enjoys coming to ours as he likes spending time with us as a family. Personally I think she can't say he can't do certain things if she is barely at home and never spends any time with him but I'm not here to get into that.

I told her that she couldn't stay the night at his but I wouldn't be surprised if they went to his and had sex before coming home as they were much later than expected!

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 30/10/2023 21:37

My approach is similar to yours OP (I have a 16yo DD and a 17yo DS), but I think you were being a bit unreasonable not to realise that some people have different views about this, and to check it was ok with the other parents.

Goldbar · 30/10/2023 21:37

She's being a bit unreasonable imo but she's probably terrified that her son is going to get your daughter pregnant and she's trying to reduce the risk of this as much as she can and is somewhat overstepping in the process.

Assuming your DD doesn't want to become a mother at this stage of her life, I presume you've discussed contraceptive options with her?

Someoneonlyyouknow · 30/10/2023 21:39
  1. Be angry with your DD lying about where she sleeps at the BFs house.
  1. Rethink your idea that they are not going to have sex with us in the same house
  1. Rethink your idea that sex can only happen at nighttime or in a shared bed
  1. Have a discussion, initially with your DD, about honesty, consent, respect and safe sex. If she's old enough for the act she's old enough to talk about it.
  1. If they are sexually active, encourage the BF to have the same conversation with his parents
Motnight · 30/10/2023 21:40

Someoneonlyyouknow · 30/10/2023 21:39

  1. Be angry with your DD lying about where she sleeps at the BFs house.
  1. Rethink your idea that they are not going to have sex with us in the same house
  1. Rethink your idea that sex can only happen at nighttime or in a shared bed
  1. Have a discussion, initially with your DD, about honesty, consent, respect and safe sex. If she's old enough for the act she's old enough to talk about it.
  1. If they are sexually active, encourage the BF to have the same conversation with his parents

This!

noooooooo · 30/10/2023 21:42

I do feel a bit sorry for Boyfriend, you sound reasonable and it’s not his fault his mum is wild in the mind. Yes, it’d be a good plan for them not to be bare-backing it round the laundry basket. Consequences can be huge. However it’s her job to make sure he knows what’s what and where they actually lay their heads to sleep doesn’t make an earthly bit of difference to his attitude towards safe sex. As others have said, teenagers will have sex in a plant pot if the spirit is upon them. I’d say what you’ve said here ‘Noted. Pity because Daughter is a sensible lass and we were very clear about there being no nonsense under our roof. X is a nice lad and he gets on well with sons Y and Z, we were glad to have him. I’ll let Daughter know what you’ve said.’

Daughter may well run a mile from a boy with a mother so controlling and delusional. Shame for the lad, here’s hoping he scatters soon.

ToadOnTheHill · 30/10/2023 21:42

If hesnold enough to be left alone hes old enough to make his own choice

lljkk · 30/10/2023 21:43

yanbu

ToadOnTheHill · 30/10/2023 21:43

I'd have been petty and said "except you weren't there to supervise, were you?"

Aquestioningmind · 30/10/2023 21:51

YABU purely for this;

Me and DH discussed it and said yes, they are not going to have sex with us in the same house.

Saying she knows the consequences so wouldn’t do it? She’s a teenager with a boyfriend she cares as much about consequences as the Chinese government do about civil rights.

You poor sweet summer child.

MsCactus · 30/10/2023 22:10

Laurama91 · 30/10/2023 20:09

Separate rooms won't stop them either. At that age me and my then boyfriend would just do what we wanted before going off to separate rooms. So unless she wants them constantly supervised, she won't stop them doing what they want

When I was a teenager, same. I never understood the dance of making you actually sleep in separate rooms

2chocolateoranges · 30/10/2023 22:14

Willyoujustbequiet · 30/10/2023 20:52

They can legally consent but they aren't adults.

Show quote history

I’m from Scotland, you can get married at 16. So if you are getting married at 16 surely you must be classed as an adult.

They can’t let children get married.

Gothambutnotahamster · 30/10/2023 22:47

Restinggoddess · 30/10/2023 19:43

I know it’s not a popular viewpoint- so I am adding as an alternative!

As a mum of a son - I was quite surprised by how many parents facilitated him sleeping over. ( and before you start I am not naive about teenagers having sex - hear me out!

We had experienced the consequences of a young man who got his girlfriend pregnant at a young age ( not my son if this is not clear) clearly he should take responsibility for contraception etc but mistakes happen ( as we all know on here) he was then excluded ( except financially) from his child and was quite traumatised by the events

My POV is that you should respect the parents - if this had been the mother of a girl who was upset that you had facilitated her staying over with your son I think you would understand more

To be clear - I appreciate teenagers have sex, I am not a prude - but there should be some appreciation of parenting views and that the current relaxed view of enabling youngsters to have partners at a young age is not always a good thing

No need to pile on - this is to present an alternative view and a bit of balance

I agree with this - whilst having sex at their age is legal, they are not adults & parents facilitating their children having adult relationships baffles me.