Am I overreacting at my boyfriend giving my 4 month old yogurt?

[Peaches92]

Hi everyone
my boyfriend and I do not live together and I got pregnant early into the relationship so it has been a struggle at times
He is 49 and has 2 older kids in their 20s and I am 30 and this is my first baby girl who is 4 months old.
I have a lot of the time been looking after our baby alone with us only seeing him maybe once or twice a week sometimes less but in the past week or 2 he has stepped up a little bit and helped out a bit more.
So yesterday I woke up with a fever and a bad cough and cold so he said he would take the baby for a few hours so I could rest as he didn’t want to catch my bug. When I asked him how she was he said she had been good and he had given her some yogurts and she liked them. My problem with this is we had spoken about giving her solids recently and I said I wanted to wait until she was 6 months so not to give her any yet. He didn’t agree but he didn’t buy the food at the time but I’d asked him not to give her any. When he told me he’d given her some I said he shouldn’t have because I’d told him not to and that because she’s a bigger baby my health visitor said to wait as long as possible to give her solids to avoid her putting on too much weight etc. He is now not talking to me after I asked him not to feed her anything except milk next time he looks after her. Am I being unreasonable ?

YANBU as you’ve specifically asked him not to give her anything.

Yanbu

You're not unreasonable to want to introduce solids according to medical advice/your researched options etc. Doesn't seem your dd's other parent agrees which is awkward.
It looks like disregard for your parenting choices are the basis upon which he will co-parent with you, so this is likely to be the first of many points of contention.
In your position I'd be looking to go alone from this point as the price of his involvement is to be undermined and ignored, he'd have to be adding some very large benefits to the picture to make that worthwhile.

Current advice is to wait until 6m to start weaning, maybe it was different when his first two were smaller. But it was only yogurt so I'm sure no major harm has been done - I'd expect nappies to be a bit er..interestng for a while - maybe he should be on changing duty for a bit.
The bigger issue here is how you two deal with any conflict. Not talking to you because you disagree on something is incredibly childish.

The advice was from 4 months when I had my two (I remember the HV actively pushing me to feed DD who is now 18 solids at 4 months) so I assume he is going along with how his older kids were introduced to solids. I know the advice is now 6 months. He shouldn't have gone behind your back and given her yoghurt as a first "meal" at 4 months. I'd be really cross as well. I highly doubt it will do her any harm but it was sneaky and should have been discussed between you.

So
a) he's twenty years older than you
b) he's fucking useless.

I don't think yogurt is your biggest problem.

This would annoy me immensely. Aside from him completrly ignoring both the childs primary carer and medical advice which is disgusting in itself, he probably didn't even consider introducing it slowly as dairy is a major potential allergen.

The nutritional content of yoghurt is hardly going to be the end of the world here, but I don't think that's the real problem in this relationship. I mean it's a bit of a weird set up all round really, isn't it?

Hmm. Tricky.

When he had his first kids, advice was from 4 months. And they have safely reached adulthood, so in his mind, there is nothing wrong with what he has done.

A few tastes of yoghurt or any other solids at that age are not going to make her fat. Most nutrition will still be from milk.

He is her father, so should also have a say in how she is raised, not be your way or the highway. You cannot just tell him not to do something and expect it to go well. You will need to learn to reach consensus together.

Maybe it should be something agreed rather than one person's say so over another's. I dont see an issue with 4 months but if you do and you had told him then YANBU.

It doesn't matter if his older children were weaned at 4 months. You asked him not to do it and he did it anyway. That's not ok. And the fact that he thought it was ok to give her her first taste of food without you there!

Ynbu.

But- although this seems a massive deal to you right now, it really isn't.

She'll be fine.

If this is the only thing he's done that you're not agreeing on, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and move on.

He barely looks after her, it’s not his job to be making these sorts of decisions about her care and he’s bang out of order going against something you’d agreed.

All sorts of parenting advice may have changed in two decades but this baby didn’t arrive by magic pjs day, it’s all out there to research for free at the touch of a button. I wouldn’t accept that as an excuse even if he tried it. Would he put the baby down to nap on its front because that used to be okay?

He sounds useless. What a pity.

He will be going off of advice of what he did for his older children but advice has now changed and you specifically told him no.
The fact that he did it even though you’ve recently spoken about it and highlighted how against it you are is ridiculous. Feels like he’s waited for you not to be around to do it.
I’d ignore him being huffy and focus on your little one. He needs to step up and show he can be responsible and be an active parent.

It won't have done your baby any harm, but I'd be annoyed he hadn't paid attention to what you specifically said.

I think you need to have a conversation about decision making moving forward. The yoghurt won't really matter.

Now not speaking to you? Wow.

Is it possible he caused this dispute out of thin air just to create a reason to disappear?

you are not the sole parent, he also has a say in the parenting! also the HV is talking rubbish.... weaning ages vary widely and there are no real hard or fast rules. certainly in my part of the world, our babies start with rice porridge/mashed fruits from about 4/5 months and are usually on all sorts lf mashed solids by 6-7 months + milk. as long as calories are not excessive and baby is not force fed, their weight will be fine. anyway, as soon as she starts walking, she will burn off calories like anything.

Advice does vary from 4-6 months. I think your HV is an arse telling you not to start food so you don't have a fat baby......that is actually what stands out the most from your post- sorry! I'm finding that hard to move past! However you asked, as the child's main cater, for them not to be given anything other than milk and he went against that, so yes, I'd be irritated by that also, as it shows he isn't listening to what you want to do

He is her parent so will make decisions as to how he feels she should be parented when he is parenting her

The issue here is about him not talking to you, but equally I think I would be pissed off if someone told me how to feed my own child, given that he has children already and advice changes all the time

Its an unfortunate set up but its no different to many parents who dont live together.

When he only bothers to see his baby once or twice a week, and sometimes doesn't even manage that, then she pretty much is the sole parent.

And the HV isn't talking rubbish. Weaning from 6 months is based on the latest research about how babies physically develop. That doesn't mean it won't change as more research is done but it's the best advice for now.

Its not much different to separated parents where the child spends time with the other parent once a week.

During that time, he is responsible for her care and will make decisions accordingly.

He did it deliberately as he knew it was something you had asked him not to do. He did it and told you he had done it. Says all you need to know about him. That’s the issue not whether it was fine back in his day or not. Heck weaning at 6weeks and taking thalidomide used to be ok, but you know science catches up.

Perhaps he didn't consider yoghurts a solid? I known someone who had to go on a liquid diet for medical reasons. Yoghurts were acceptable food.

There are bigger issues here

Surely him doing something she explicitly asked him not to do (based on nhs advice) is him doing ‘my way or the high way’ too? Agreed parents need to make decisions together, but him doing his own thing without consulting her isn’t okay just because he’s the baby’s dad.