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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting at my boyfriend giving my 4 month old yogurt?

98 replies

Peaches92 · 29/10/2023 19:57

Hi everyone
my boyfriend and I do not live together and I got pregnant early into the relationship so it has been a struggle at times
He is 49 and has 2 older kids in their 20s and I am 30 and this is my first baby girl who is 4 months old.
I have a lot of the time been looking after our baby alone with us only seeing him maybe once or twice a week sometimes less but in the past week or 2 he has stepped up a little bit and helped out a bit more.
So yesterday I woke up with a fever and a bad cough and cold so he said he would take the baby for a few hours so I could rest as he didn’t want to catch my bug. When I asked him how she was he said she had been good and he had given her some yogurts and she liked them. My problem with this is we had spoken about giving her solids recently and I said I wanted to wait until she was 6 months so not to give her any yet. He didn’t agree but he didn’t buy the food at the time but I’d asked him not to give her any. When he told me he’d given her some I said he shouldn’t have because I’d told him not to and that because she’s a bigger baby my health visitor said to wait as long as possible to give her solids to avoid her putting on too much weight etc. He is now not talking to me after I asked him not to feed her anything except milk next time he looks after her. Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
RubyRubyRubyRubay · 29/10/2023 21:44

It's possible that he had nothing to do with the care of his children when they were very young so he may just be trying his best and thought yoghurt was a nice, baby safe option so you could sleep.

I'd talk it over with him but cut him some slack. The yoghurt won't harm baby and you got to have some sleep.

My mum gave me some farleys rusk with milk when I was 4 months old as milk just wouldn't satisfy me - she said I slept for 7 hours straight after 2 small spoonfuls!
I breastfed and had rusk before bedtime for the next year - slept through every night apparently (I'm not advocating this of course)

SunRainStorm · 29/10/2023 21:52

JFT · 29/10/2023 21:17

Now not speaking to you? Wow.

Is it possible he caused this dispute out of thin air just to create a reason to disappear?

Yeah this was my thought.

He knew she didn't want the baby eating food, he did it anyway, told her about it knowing it would bother her, and now gets to be upset that she wasn't happy.

I wouldn't rely on him for much OP.

SunRainStorm · 29/10/2023 21:54

therealcookiemonster · 29/10/2023 21:18

you are not the sole parent, he also has a say in the parenting! also the HV is talking rubbish.... weaning ages vary widely and there are no real hard or fast rules. certainly in my part of the world, our babies start with rice porridge/mashed fruits from about 4/5 months and are usually on all sorts lf mashed solids by 6-7 months + milk. as long as calories are not excessive and baby is not force fed, their weight will be fine. anyway, as soon as she starts walking, she will burn off calories like anything.

He VISITS his daughter once or twice a week.

She is a sole parent.

I see the Amazon guy more often.

SoIRejoined · 29/10/2023 21:57

Nah, he did it on purpose to put you in your place. It's not about the actual weaning, if you told him not to dress her in green and she came back in green you would know he did it just to make a point.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/10/2023 22:05

He did it because he knew you were following current weaning guidelines and would be upset with him and therefore have an excuse to piss off for a bit... how convenient for him

You have bigger problems than him feeding your DD yogurts.

NotStayingIn · 29/10/2023 22:20

Those saying he may have remembered the advice from when his were little, give over! Are you seriously thinking he remembers his DC were eating solids at 4 months, 20 years after the fact?! I mean, it's possible... but I think it's highly unlikely!

Canisaysomething · 29/10/2023 22:22

because she’s a bigger baby my health visitor said to wait as long as possible to give her solids to avoid her putting on too much weight

That advice sounds like a load of rubbish. He is being unreasonable feeding her the yoghurt but you are also being unreasonable believing that nonsense about her putting on too much weight. She’s a baby, she isn’t at risk of obesity.

KrisAkabusi · 29/10/2023 22:32

I don't think I'd count yoghurt as solids, so I don't think I'd be breaking rules if I gave your daughter some.

EightOfHearts · 29/10/2023 22:40

Ooo yer I'd be annoyed. Our baby is 9 months now and we were told by all health professionals to wait until 6 months, this just seemed like the standard advice. I'm sure it won't harm your baby if there's been no reaction already though. It does just sting a bit as you'd told him what you wanted and HV's advice plus I imagine you'd want to be there as it's a big 'first' to miss.

Maddy70 · 29/10/2023 22:46

Yes you are over reacting. Not very long ago people would give solids at 12wks.

He gave a yogurt. It's fine

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/10/2023 22:49

It was a very long time ago. When we know better we do better.

Unless we’re useless deadbeat dads trying to cause a fight.

Devilsmommy · 29/10/2023 22:49

Completely understand why you're annoyed but I doubt a yoghurt will harm your baby at all. Mine started weaning at 4mo and he's thriving. Your HV advice about baby getting fat sounds sketchy to be fair

Iknowthis1 · 29/10/2023 22:54

When my kids in their 20's were babies the advice was to wean at 12 weeks so a spoon of yoghurt is hardly dangerous.

I can see why you're annoyed but I think you're over reacting. He is her parent too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2023 22:55

"He is probably going on the advice he learned when his older ones were little"

Oh come ON!!!

Do we really think that someone who drifts in and out of his childs life like a ghost, when it suits and takes very little active role in her life was any different with his older two?! Are we really being expected to believe that he know ANYTHING about a) weaning in general and b) his own child in particular?!

Nope. Not buying it. Although I do agree that he is doing what he learned as a younger father.....that he can pop in and out for the fun bits and leave the hard graft to the mother.
I rather suspect that he wasnt keen on this baby being born at all, and the reason they are not actively raising this baby together is because he doesnt want to. I would love a conversation with his childrens mother.

And no, I have no proof for my conjecture but I am 50, I have witnessed enough men over the years who acted in similarly prickish ways to listen to my hunch on this one. They are more than happy to have the very young girlfriend, right up until said GF gets pregnant or wants more than just nights out and adventurous sex.

Emeraldrings · 29/10/2023 22:55

He is her dad so he is allowed to make decisions.
It's more of a problem than he's not talking to you because you didn't agree with him. You say he's stepped up recently so maybe give him the benefit of the doubt but not if he keeps over ruling you.
Your HV sounds out of order. A larger baby doesn't mean they will grow up overweight.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/10/2023 23:01

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2023 22:55

"He is probably going on the advice he learned when his older ones were little"

Oh come ON!!!

Do we really think that someone who drifts in and out of his childs life like a ghost, when it suits and takes very little active role in her life was any different with his older two?! Are we really being expected to believe that he know ANYTHING about a) weaning in general and b) his own child in particular?!

Nope. Not buying it. Although I do agree that he is doing what he learned as a younger father.....that he can pop in and out for the fun bits and leave the hard graft to the mother.
I rather suspect that he wasnt keen on this baby being born at all, and the reason they are not actively raising this baby together is because he doesnt want to. I would love a conversation with his childrens mother.

And no, I have no proof for my conjecture but I am 50, I have witnessed enough men over the years who acted in similarly prickish ways to listen to my hunch on this one. They are more than happy to have the very young girlfriend, right up until said GF gets pregnant or wants more than just nights out and adventurous sex.

All of this.

And to those who thinks it' not a big deal, we it sort of depends, doesn't it? What kind of yogurt was it? An adult strawberry one with sugar and possible allergens? Or plain with nothing? What if she was allergic to something in it? I bet it wouldn't be him up all night at A&E.

Going against current advice isn't a toss up. If it's mum and the NHS versus dad, mum wins.

SunRainStorm · 29/10/2023 23:06

It's not about the yogurt or when it's fine to wean.

It's about him deliberately ignoring her wishes and thinking he can overrule her. Which is shitty for any co parenting situation, let alone one where he barely sees or cares for the baby.

He should be working to build trust and communication. He's damaged both instead all for the sake of yogurt.

RoseBucket · 29/10/2023 23:10

My daughter is 19 and the advice even back then was 6 months and you’d not start with a yogurt anyway. YANBU

Fionaville · 29/10/2023 23:12

I've had babies over 3 decades, so have given my babies their first solids at 4 months and 6 months, because I've followed the advice of the time. I dont sign up to the 'never did me any harm' brigade. Who knows, maybe a lot of childhood/adult gut problems could be due to being fed solids too early? That said, I'm sure a bit of yogurt as a one off will be fine. YANBU, but he's not done anything wrong in his mind. But, he should have at least thought you'd want to be there for babies first taste of solid food.

ThinWomansBrain · 29/10/2023 23:14

title of your post says it all really - "my" rather than "our" - yet it would appear that your BF is the child's father.

jesshomeEd · 29/10/2023 23:16

The bloke who visits his baby daughter once or twice a week does not get a say in parenting! Doesn't matter if he disagrees on weaning, not his choice.

Floralnomad · 29/10/2023 23:20

YANBU and you can tell him to only give her milk but he’s ignored you already so why do you think he will take any notice the next time

5foot5 · 29/10/2023 23:33

NotStayingIn · 29/10/2023 22:20

Those saying he may have remembered the advice from when his were little, give over! Are you seriously thinking he remembers his DC were eating solids at 4 months, 20 years after the fact?! I mean, it's possible... but I think it's highly unlikely!

You give over!

My DD is almost 28 and yes I can clearly remember that weaning at 4 months was recommended then. That's more than 20 years ago.

Are you seriously saying you have no clear memory of important things that happened to you only 20 years ago?

User3735 · 29/10/2023 23:33

The advice for weaning at 6 months came in in 2003. People have known this for 20 years, hardly a recent change. He had been a prick. Wanted the fun of giving baby her first food without you there and with no regard for health guidelines or your feelings.

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2023 23:56

5foot5 · 29/10/2023 23:33

You give over!

My DD is almost 28 and yes I can clearly remember that weaning at 4 months was recommended then. That's more than 20 years ago.

Are you seriously saying you have no clear memory of important things that happened to you only 20 years ago?

Show quote history

Well so do I, my son is 33 next month and I still remember how old he was and what he had. But I was his main (in fact, only) carer. But on his current behaviour, I cant believe that he was any more involved in his older childrens lives on anything other than a superficial level. I certainly dont think that he remembers it in any great detail.