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Original poster

Am I overreacting at my boyfriend giving my 4 month old yogurt?

98 replies

Peaches92 · 29/10/2023 19:57

Hi everyone
my boyfriend and I do not live together and I got pregnant early into the relationship so it has been a struggle at times
He is 49 and has 2 older kids in their 20s and I am 30 and this is my first baby girl who is 4 months old.
I have a lot of the time been looking after our baby alone with us only seeing him maybe once or twice a week sometimes less but in the past week or 2 he has stepped up a little bit and helped out a bit more.
So yesterday I woke up with a fever and a bad cough and cold so he said he would take the baby for a few hours so I could rest as he didn’t want to catch my bug. When I asked him how she was he said she had been good and he had given her some yogurts and she liked them. My problem with this is we had spoken about giving her solids recently and I said I wanted to wait until she was 6 months so not to give her any yet. He didn’t agree but he didn’t buy the food at the time but I’d asked him not to give her any. When he told me he’d given her some I said he shouldn’t have because I’d told him not to and that because she’s a bigger baby my health visitor said to wait as long as possible to give her solids to avoid her putting on too much weight etc. He is now not talking to me after I asked him not to feed her anything except milk next time he looks after her. Am I being unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Peaches92 · 30/10/2023 06:35

Thanks everyone, she was fine and it didn’t harm her of course I just wanted to be there for her first try of food if that makes sense. And he decided to when I wasn’t around is what upset me and when I’d asked him not to. DD and I have been in bed with flu and he was going to take her again yesterday for a few hours but when I asked him to please not feed her anything but milk again he said ‘go away please’. We have not spoken since and I’ve been trying to salvage our relationship and get on with him but things like this just drain me. I will also mention that I’m not sure how much he was there for his other children’s lives but that he speaks to them both now they are older but once on FaceTime when I was pregnant his daughter said to me ‘enjoy being a single mum’ and they both laughed about it and I know he doesn’t get on with their mother. We probably see him a couple of times a week or if I have an appointment that I can’t take DD to he will take her for the couple of hours until I’m done but we rarely ever stay round his, maybe twice a month if that so yes I am the one who takes care of her most of the time. But I admit maybe sometimes I tend to overreact to things and take things a bit personal perhaps.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 30/10/2023 07:19

Well he's no catch by the sounds of it, but only you know if the positives outweigh the negatives, why dont the two of you live together, whose choice is that?

However, the reality is, that he is able to make equal decisions to you and that when he has the care of her, unless he is actively harming her, he is able to make decisions as her parent that he thinks is right, just like you do when you have the care of her, you dont run everything past him I take it

This is the problem of having a child with someone with dithering committment and perhaps who you dont have the same life plans with or outlook as to how you're going to parent a child together. Its all a bit messy and I would make sure that you protect yourself emotionally and financially for the future.

Isthisrealorjustfantasy · 30/10/2023 07:23

Vvv yanbu

i weaned my first at 4 months as per advice, but baby rice and purée veg/fruit. Even 30 years ago then dairy was not given til 6 months. I bet it wasn’t Plain yoghurt either & had added sugar.

HerMammy · 30/10/2023 07:28

He's not your boyfriend.

ohdamnitjanet · 30/10/2023 07:31

SylvieLaufeydottir · 29/10/2023 20:05

So
a) he's twenty years older than you
b) he's fucking useless.

I don't think yogurt is your biggest problem.

Yes, quite, unfortunately he’s not exactly a keeper…..

SunRainStorm · 30/10/2023 08:54

Have you filed for CMS?

SunRainStorm · 30/10/2023 09:01

He sounds really disrespectful of you.

Changednamesforthis22 · 30/10/2023 09:13

The health visitor sounds like she needs more training (?!) and he sounds like he's doing things according to what the advice was when his older children were small. The advice has now changed, based on research.
Personally I tried to make it to six months with my son but he was exclusively breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle so I ended up giving him solid food at five months, but that was my decision and we started with pureed fruit and veg. You have every right to be upset as he's taken a milestone away from you, I remember being excited to watch my child eat for the first time and laughing as he pulled faces/spat food out. It's a huge 'first.'

The set up that you have also sounds weird, sorry, but if you don't want to live together that's up to you both. I just hope he is at least supporting you financially.

reactuniom · 30/10/2023 09:18

Fionaville · 29/10/2023 23:12

I've had babies over 3 decades, so have given my babies their first solids at 4 months and 6 months, because I've followed the advice of the time. I dont sign up to the 'never did me any harm' brigade. Who knows, maybe a lot of childhood/adult gut problems could be due to being fed solids too early? That said, I'm sure a bit of yogurt as a one off will be fine. YANBU, but he's not done anything wrong in his mind. But, he should have at least thought you'd want to be there for babies first taste of solid food.

This is where the research comes from - weaning at 12-16 weeks is linked to gut / GI problems in adulthood. There are times where risk vs benefit is needed to early wean for other reasons but in the absence of those, 6 months is advised.

ReadtheReviews · 30/10/2023 09:22

Suspect having two children already he is going to think he knows more than you throughout.
But as a previous poster said it is his child too. So I think there will be a lot of picking your battles and bargaining in your future.

JFT · 30/10/2023 09:52

It's not about whether children can / can't be weaned etc.

It's about whether this much older man is in fact emotionally abusive and has violated the baby in order to one-man-ship or provoke.

Hilarious that people think he's au fait with weaning of youngsters - as if! My father was a father of four and he lived with us - he wouldn't have known the first thing about child rearing. But he certainly make sure to do whatever it took to violate my mother's wishes in order to abuse and mock her. She ended up profoundly mentally ill and permanently resident in a secure mental hospital because of his endless abuse. It starts with things like feeding the baby yoghurt and ends up with violence, court cases, social services, police action, sectioning, kids being removed, on and on.

I don't like the sound of this bloke one bit and it might serve the op not to have him involved in her and the baby's life. Is there anyone else who could help if she's not well?

ChateauMargaux · 30/10/2023 11:02

Milk until 6 months has been the WHO advise for over 20 years His age is no excuse.

Misssassy89 · 30/10/2023 11:03

She'll be fine x

Likeaburstcouch · 30/10/2023 11:05

Yanbu. They were probably sugary too.

KajsaKavat · 30/10/2023 11:07

6 months, no YANBU

Redruby2020 · 30/10/2023 11:09

SylvieLaufeydottir · 29/10/2023 20:05

So
a) he's twenty years older than you
b) he's fucking useless.

I don't think yogurt is your biggest problem.

😆

5foot5 · 30/10/2023 13:24

PyongyangKipperbang · 29/10/2023 23:56

Well so do I, my son is 33 next month and I still remember how old he was and what he had. But I was his main (in fact, only) carer. But on his current behaviour, I cant believe that he was any more involved in his older childrens lives on anything other than a superficial level. I certainly dont think that he remembers it in any great detail.

Show quote history

I think there are a lot of projections and assumptions being made on this thread about how involved a father he might have been first time around.

First, it was really not that unusual, even 20 or 30 years ago, for a father to be fairly hands on raising their children. DH certainly was.

And for those saying he probably wasn't based on his current (lack of) involvement, well that again is not necessarily the case. It may be the first time around when he was younger, that he was more enthusiastic and involved. But with his first children now in their 20s he probably thought all the baby stuff was well behind him and, sorry, but may not have been all that thrilled at the prospect of going through it again.

I know that wouldn't excuse him ignoring his new child. He helped create it so he should step up to help support and bring it up. We don't know though why he and OP are not living together. It sounds like he is making a bit of an effort now.

But I don't share the scepticism about him remembering child rearing advice from 20 years ago. Why wouldn't he?

towriteyoumustlive · 30/10/2023 13:38

He has older kids and they were probably weaned at 4 months. You have your parenting preferences and he has his.

You TOLD him you didn't want her weaning until she was 6 months and he replied that he didn't agree with this.

You both made this baby. You need to sit down as grown ups and discuss your parenting ideas, not dictate to each other.

Ultimately it's just a tiny bit of yoghurt. No big deal.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2023 14:16

Peaches92 · 30/10/2023 06:35

Thanks everyone, she was fine and it didn’t harm her of course I just wanted to be there for her first try of food if that makes sense. And he decided to when I wasn’t around is what upset me and when I’d asked him not to. DD and I have been in bed with flu and he was going to take her again yesterday for a few hours but when I asked him to please not feed her anything but milk again he said ‘go away please’. We have not spoken since and I’ve been trying to salvage our relationship and get on with him but things like this just drain me. I will also mention that I’m not sure how much he was there for his other children’s lives but that he speaks to them both now they are older but once on FaceTime when I was pregnant his daughter said to me ‘enjoy being a single mum’ and they both laughed about it and I know he doesn’t get on with their mother. We probably see him a couple of times a week or if I have an appointment that I can’t take DD to he will take her for the couple of hours until I’m done but we rarely ever stay round his, maybe twice a month if that so yes I am the one who takes care of her most of the time. But I admit maybe sometimes I tend to overreact to things and take things a bit personal perhaps.

So his own daughter basically said that you will be doing it all on your own?

I say this with kindness but why are hanging in there? There is no relationship to salvage. What you have here is an arrangement where he visits his child a couple of times a week if it suits him. And probably he still gets to have sex. I cant help wondering if you are desperately trying to cling on to this because you know that if you do split up then he wont bother seeing the baby at all. But given how he is acting, maybe that is no bad thing.

The way he is speaking to you is absolutely appalling.

I suggest that you formalise things by making it clear that you two are no longer together and coming up with a contact schedule, supervised as she is so young.

ChateauMargaux · 30/10/2023 15:03

WHO guidance to delay introduction of solids until 6 months has been in place for more than 20 years.. issued in 2001. By 2004, when my youngest was born, baby led weaning was becoming popular.

Yes there were and still are health professionals and parents who talk about solids from 4 months, but your DH's age is not a factor in this..

I wish other posters would stop repeating this.. he is of the 'babies weaned at 6 months' generation.. not the 'introduce solids at 4 months' generation. His children are the same age as mine.. we we cautious about food before 6 months.

quietnightmare · 30/10/2023 15:08

Regardless of the guidance

YOU told him no solids. YOU are the primary caregiver and he hasn't been doing much as a parent so YOU have the day. When he pulls his weight with the parenting then you will both have the final say.

The doctor always said to wait as long as possible

And to be honest it's just a lack of respect for you from him

Caterpillarsleftfoot · 30/10/2023 15:12

It can affect weaning . If babies are given sweet things first dome find it harder to take to butter foods like broccoli after sweet tastes.

Bigger problem though is playing pass the baby at such a young age. She needs stability.

5128gap · 30/10/2023 15:22

I'm his sort of age OP and when mine were babies they were weaned at 3-4 months. They were absolutely fine throughout childhood, perfect weight, and now are very healthy adults. Children brought up then were much less likely to be overweight than now. If his experience was similar, he will probably struggle to see the harm in it, because he knows from his experience there wasnt any.
That said, I do think he should have respected your wishes because you are following current guidance and also are clearly the primary parent, so he doesn't get to just rock up and start changing and overriding you now.
Given his age and previous experience of children you may find he tries to pull rank on you as a self appointed expert, so if I were you I'd take a very firm stance on this from the get go.

5128gap · 30/10/2023 15:26

ChateauMargaux · 30/10/2023 15:03

WHO guidance to delay introduction of solids until 6 months has been in place for more than 20 years.. issued in 2001. By 2004, when my youngest was born, baby led weaning was becoming popular.

Yes there were and still are health professionals and parents who talk about solids from 4 months, but your DH's age is not a factor in this..

I wish other posters would stop repeating this.. he is of the 'babies weaned at 6 months' generation.. not the 'introduce solids at 4 months' generation. His children are the same age as mine.. we we cautious about food before 6 months.

This is a good point. I've just done the same as I'm a little older than him. But of course it's not the age of the parent but of the DC that matters. I'm his generation but with DC mid 20s to 30, so weaned before the change in guidance, whereas his were likely not.

ManateeFair · 30/10/2023 15:33

YANBU to ask him not to do it again, especially as you're pretty much the only one who actually cares for your daughter day to day.

I suspect, though, that as he's an experienced parent and has probably fed his other kids yogurt with no issues, he's a bit miffed at having his expertise questioned. I mean, yes, I imagine advice has changed a bit since his older children were babies, but as he's kept two kids happily alive before, he may well feel like he's being patronised by being told what he can/can't feed child number three. I'm not saying he's in the right here - you have your daughter 24/7 while he only sees her a couple of times a week, so you can absolutely call the shots! And he should certainly not be giving you the silent treatment. But I can also see why, as this is his third baby, he thinks Yogurtgate is just a fuss over nothing.

It sounds like his involvement generally is the bigger issue here. You're effectively a single parent, and he really should be doing more. He only sees you once or twice a week, sometimes even less?! When you have a child together?

Are you 100% sure he's not married? Do you ever go to his place or does he always come to you?