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AIBU?

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Original poster

Your child (teen) is a Bully- do you WANT to know?

62 replies

fourelementary · 29/10/2023 11:18

As you’re not really in charge of how your teenage behaves out at school or with friends, and they’re happy enough but have other serious issues that are unable to be fixed…would you as a parent want to know if your child was bullying a friend… nasty stuff but hurtful not physical.

YABU- of course I’d want to know

YANBU- no- not in my control and they need to find their own ways of dealing with relationships.

Teens are under 16

OP posts:
LlynTegid · 29/10/2023 11:20

I would. To be able to do something about it. Also before someone took the law into their own hands.

fishfingersandtoes · 29/10/2023 11:20

I would want to know, because that kind of behaviour doesn't come out of nowhere. I'd want to talk to them and hear why they were doing it. And obviously I'd want them to develop some empathy and become good people.

Fixesplease · 29/10/2023 11:21

I'm not at that stage ( DS 6) but I would certainly want to know so I could set my own consequences for his behaviour!

But it depends on the parents I think, some folk wouldn't take to kindly to being told their kid is being rotten and bullying another.

zozueme · 29/10/2023 11:22

I would want to know. Bullying is awful and I'd want to be able to do something to stop it.

5128gap · 29/10/2023 11:24

Absolutely. Because I actually disagree that Id have 'no control' over what they do when I'm not with them. My children remained my responsibility until they reached adult hood and out of sight doesn't mean I would abdicate responsibility. Whatever is going on in their lives, bullying another person is never a healthy, acceptable or excusable behaviour, and Id want to know ASAP so I could take steps to address it.

Chagnedname · 29/10/2023 11:24

I would want to know

Doteycat · 29/10/2023 11:25

If you are the type that doesn't want to know, then you are part of the problem.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 29/10/2023 11:26

I would want to know and would address it. It might be that I can't stop it, but it can certainly have consequences in terms of pocket money/days out etc.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 29/10/2023 11:28

I'd be devastated if my child was a bully - I'd absolutely want to know about it and would try to find ways to deal with it. Bullying ruins lives - I would hate for my child to be responsible for that.

cansu · 29/10/2023 11:31

Many people say they would want to know but as a teacher I can tell you that most parents do not want any difficult info about their kids. Usually they will deflect, blame the messenger or ignore. However that doesn't mean that it should not be reported but don't expect much to come of it from the parents.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 29/10/2023 11:33

cansu · 29/10/2023 11:31

Many people say they would want to know but as a teacher I can tell you that most parents do not want any difficult info about their kids. Usually they will deflect, blame the messenger or ignore. However that doesn't mean that it should not be reported but don't expect much to come of it from the parents.

Totally agree - I've seen this happen at my DS's school.

MargaretThursday · 29/10/2023 11:36

I think most would want to know.

However it needs to come from a neutral party who has seen it themselves really.

I've seen on a few occasions a child accusing another of bullying when it's either mutual behaviour or they're the bully and someone else (not always the victim) finally stands up and says enough. It's another way of bullying.

A parent saying your child is bullying mine isn't always getting the full picture. Children, as all people, see events through their own bias and tell parents accordingly.

mn29 · 29/10/2023 12:03

Of course I would want to know. To talk to them about it, understand why, explain how it’s unacceptable to behave this way towards someone and cause them suffering. To help them.

ReadySalty · 29/10/2023 12:05

Not very many parents would be able to accept or believe that their child is a bully.

dotdotdotdash · 29/10/2023 12:25

It's sad to think that there are parents who would NOT want to know this. Aren't we here to support our children in their lives whatever their difficulties? Bullying behaviour can indicate they are facing emotional and social problems; or that they have not learned how to treat others with respect and kindness. It's a parents' job to help them with these problems and teach them how to behave sociably. Unfortunately as @Doteycat said, if you don't want to know, you are part of the problem.

Newgirls · 29/10/2023 12:28

i don’t think many parents would believe it

the bully at dd school parents closed their eyes to it at the time and blamed other kids and have later said it was due to misunderstood neurodiversity. No parent really wants to think their child isn’t ‘nice’

PurpleWhirple · 29/10/2023 12:30

Doteycat · 29/10/2023 11:25

If you are the type that doesn't want to know, then you are part of the problem.

Exactly. My experience of bullies is that their parents generally don't want to know.

Dramatic · 29/10/2023 12:32

I'd absolutely want to know. And I'd make it my business to ensure it stopped and they made up for their actions (as much as possible)

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/10/2023 12:52

My brother was mercilessly bullied by his entire class and beyond in the 70s/80s. I saw it happen and I saw the effects of this total destruction of a young person at home. It was heartbreaking. We believe he was/is ND.

I developed a protective bolshy, sarcastic, sharp attitude and I suppose was considered not to be trifled with, so when the same wholesale vile treatment of a boy in my class started I started challenging the bullies. It wasn't just the ringleaders, it was the kids in between who joined in or simply did nothing. When I started calling out the bullying others followed suit. It didn't make me a target. I doubt his school days became happy, but it did make a big difference.

Evil happens when good men do nothing. Our children may not instigate bullying, but can be a small part of perpetuating it.

Years after leaving school I saw this young man sitting with a friend, head thrown back with laughter and it really touched me.

My brother is now late 50s and has never recovered. He stays in bed most days and has never found friends or love.

Original poster
fourelementary · 29/10/2023 12:56

@Isittimeformynapyet well done you- and so sorry about your brother.
This also infuriates me about the situation- other people ARE part of the problem as they laugh along or don’t confront the bullies etc. How do we change that though in teens where standing out is the worst thing most of them can think of… the nicer ones anyway…

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 29/10/2023 13:02

No, not really. I know my kids and would just assume yours were not actually being bullied by mine at all. I'm certainly not interested in getting mine to be friends with kids they don't like, usually for good reason it turns out.
If it's an issue at school, school can deal with it and let me know if needs be. I don't want to be involved via parents in any drama, thanks.

YouJustDoYou · 29/10/2023 13:03

I would so I could shut that nasty little bullying shit down.

thecoat · 29/10/2023 13:08

What sort of bullying are you talking about? What's the backstory?

Isittimeformynapyet · 29/10/2023 13:12

@fourelementary I don't know. I was able to call out and ridicule the bullies because I just couldn't bear to see the victim destroyed and I was lucky to have the "status" I did because I was mischievous and mouthy, but this was 40+ years ago and the bullies didn't carry knives. Things have changed so much in the meantime.

Back then, I don't even think the bullies even thought about the effects of their behaviour on the victim, so all I did was point it out! I don't think they were bad kids, it was just fucking sport to them. These days there is plenty of information about mental health and it still happens.

I don't have children, and sadly I don't have any answers 😔

Mariposista · 29/10/2023 13:33

Having been a victim of bullying myself (in the workplace, not at school), I'd be so so ashamed if anyone I had produced and raised resorted to such vile behaviour.

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