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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Your child (teen) is a Bully- do you WANT to know?

62 replies

fourelementary · 29/10/2023 11:18

As you’re not really in charge of how your teenage behaves out at school or with friends, and they’re happy enough but have other serious issues that are unable to be fixed…would you as a parent want to know if your child was bullying a friend… nasty stuff but hurtful not physical.

YABU- of course I’d want to know

YANBU- no- not in my control and they need to find their own ways of dealing with relationships.

Teens are under 16

OP posts:
yellowlane · 29/10/2023 15:27

I've been thinking about this a lot lately as dd has just started year 7, and has experienced some meanness- being excluded (from conversations or meet ups), screenshotting her Snapchat messages (to show others), taking photos of her with filters then showing other people, people moving away from her on the bus/ in class to sit beside more preferred friends. Small things but to dd are not insignificant.

I've always taught my dd to be respectful and polite to people even if they don't have shared interests or aren't going to be 'besties'. I'd go through my dd if I heard she was being mean to others. Now I'm having to teach her to stand up for herself against this type of behaviour.

Original poster
fourelementary · 29/10/2023 22:16

thecoat · 29/10/2023 13:08

What sort of bullying are you talking about? What's the backstory?

Mean shit. Alienating, taking pointedly about events and activities that dd isn’t invited to, putting her down to boost her own ego, snide remarks… blowing hot and cold so dd doesn’t know if she’s a friend or not as it depends on which way the wind is blowing…

Bully’s mum is a friend but not a close one.

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 29/10/2023 22:25

PosterBoy · 29/10/2023 13:02

No, not really. I know my kids and would just assume yours were not actually being bullied by mine at all. I'm certainly not interested in getting mine to be friends with kids they don't like, usually for good reason it turns out.
If it's an issue at school, school can deal with it and let me know if needs be. I don't want to be involved via parents in any drama, thanks.

So school are not raising your children. You do that. They can facilitate your upbringing but they can’t fix where you have failed. We always say at school we do what we can but once parents are disengaged we cant help.

sunshineandshowers40 · 29/10/2023 22:28

I would want to know but via school, I had a parent approach me and when I spoke to the school she was completely wrong and my DC was not involved and school had no plans to contact me. I have now blocked this parent.

PosterBoy · 29/10/2023 22:39

Sometimeswinning · 29/10/2023 22:25

So school are not raising your children. You do that. They can facilitate your upbringing but they can’t fix where you have failed. We always say at school we do what we can but once parents are disengaged we cant help.

Show quote history

I am 100% disinterested in being approached personally by some nutjob parent and involved in drama over who sat next to who on the school bus or didn't invite them to a party or thinks they should be their child's friend because no reason.

If it's bullying and the school can actually substantiate that and are not going to be also telling me crap like they fell out playing Minecraft online at home (this is one example I remember - turned out the other child liked to destroy everyone else's buildings ... hence noone wanted to play with him) then fair enough, but you know what, I'm going to be asking my child for their version not just believing school either.

TheaBrandt · 29/10/2023 22:50

Agree poster boy. I have had parents telling me solemnly how their child is “bullied” by other children whilst I know full well it’s actually their kid who is a total pain and is in fact quite the bully themselves. It can be nuanced and I would want the whole picture.

At my teens secondary you get into trouble if you witness bullying and don’t report it to try to address the bystander issue.

Sometimeswinning · 29/10/2023 22:54

PosterBoy · 29/10/2023 22:39

I am 100% disinterested in being approached personally by some nutjob parent and involved in drama over who sat next to who on the school bus or didn't invite them to a party or thinks they should be their child's friend because no reason.

If it's bullying and the school can actually substantiate that and are not going to be also telling me crap like they fell out playing Minecraft online at home (this is one example I remember - turned out the other child liked to destroy everyone else's buildings ... hence noone wanted to play with him) then fair enough, but you know what, I'm going to be asking my child for their version not just believing school either.

Show quote history

How is an altercation between kids even close to being bullied? School have involved me in an altercation. I’ve had my kids back.

I think you may have missed what a bully is. If school have accused them and it’s over Minecraft it’s not bullying. If my child is making another child’s life hell that is bullying.

sunflowerdaisyrose · 29/10/2023 22:57

My child was bullied and the school and other parents were totally shit. It's stopped now after I pushed the school more but shouldn't have had to. I don't ever want to hear if my child is unkind or bullies that child, but I would if it were anyone else as my daughter knows how awful it made her feel for ages.

MidnightOnceMore · 29/10/2023 23:02

Yes I'd want to know. In my opinion kids bully for one of two reasons - they've been taught to be unkind or there is something wrong.

Mine have not been taught to be unkind, so if they were bullying it'd mean something was going wrong. I'd want the chance to help both my own kid and whoever was on the receiving end.

Kids who bully are kids who've been let down somehow, usually. You don't get happy kids who have been brought up well just randomly persistently bullying. Something must be going on. All kids can be unkind, but ongoing bullying is something else.

Iknowthis1 · 29/10/2023 23:05

I have seen parents get defensive , kill the messenger so to speak and refuse to believe that there is an issue. So, while 99% of replies say they would want to know, I think that a reasonable proportion of them wouldn't really want to know.

XelaM · 29/10/2023 23:17

fourelementary · 29/10/2023 22:16

Mean shit. Alienating, taking pointedly about events and activities that dd isn’t invited to, putting her down to boost her own ego, snide remarks… blowing hot and cold so dd doesn’t know if she’s a friend or not as it depends on which way the wind is blowing…

Bully’s mum is a friend but not a close one.

Show quote history

Unfortunately what you describe is often quite normal behaviour for teen girls and may not be recognised as bullying by the perpetrator's parents. By all means speak to the mother if she's a friend, but be prepared that she will get her daughter's side of the story, which may be that she doesn't want to be friends with your daughter for whatever reason.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 29/10/2023 23:30

My dd got accused of bullying last year. School didn't use that word but the other parent did
Their daughter had fallen out with her best mate and decided she wanted my dd to replace her. My dd was never keen on this child but was always plesant to her until she really tried to come between dd and her best friend. Because dd and her friend were so close and had nothing in common with the other child, this other girl said they were bullying her.
So if it was the real meaning of bullying then yes l would want to know . But not wanting to be frie ds with someone and trying to let them down gently? No!

TeenLifeMum · 29/10/2023 23:43

Yes I would but often the parents of bullies aren’t the nicest and there’s a reason the teen is like that. one of the primary school bullies’ mums was openly happy that her dc wasn’t weak and being bullied.

RoseMartha · 29/10/2023 23:46

Yes I would want to know

Coyoacan · 30/10/2023 00:10

cansu · 29/10/2023 11:31

Many people say they would want to know but as a teacher I can tell you that most parents do not want any difficult info about their kids. Usually they will deflect, blame the messenger or ignore. However that doesn't mean that it should not be reported but don't expect much to come of it from the parents.

Yeap. My dgd was being bullied in a tiny school that was almost home schooling where all the mothers were friends and very progressive. But as soon as my dd pointed out that dgd was being bullied the mothers all started talking about trying to understand what was wrong with dgd, instead of worrying about why their children were acting like bullies. As far as I'm concerned they missed an opportunity to sort their children out. Dgd changed school and is very happy, while the bullies in the other school found another victim and the school ended up closing

Confused2124 · 30/10/2023 00:16

Parents are responsible for their child’s conduct wherever they are.
I would certainly want to know if my child was bullying another, so that I can address it properly

Confused2124 · 30/10/2023 00:18

Bullying is awful and no one should tolerate it. In my experience of working with teens, there are two common themes

  1. A fall out or change in social group is not necessarily bullying
  2. Bullies are normally raised by bullies and that learnt behaviour is harder to deal with
TooBigForMyBoots · 30/10/2023 00:21

I'd want to know.

Bullying is a symptom.

OswaldSpengler14 · 30/10/2023 00:30

I’d just assume the other kids were being melts tbh

Sometimeswinning · 30/10/2023 00:41

OswaldSpengler14 · 30/10/2023 00:30

I’d just assume the other kids were being melts tbh

No you wouldn’t 🙄😂

FarEast · 30/10/2023 05:13

I imagine that the girls who physically bullied me from the age of 7 had parents like you.

MintJulia · 30/10/2023 05:30

Op, as a parent you should want to know because it will affect your child's life chances in every way.

I've seen bullies get fired from work for their behaviour, I've seen bullies get punched, in a pub when someone finally stood up to their shit, I've seen bullies arrested & charged, and we've all heard of bullies on MN whose partners leave them, force the sale of houses, break up families.

If you can't be bothered to address it, that is the future your young bully can look forward to.

StillFanta · 30/10/2023 06:24

100% want to know - providing there was proof and it wasn't just gossip. Then I would do everything in my power to change this, bullying is the absolute worst IMO.

TheaBrandt · 30/10/2023 06:38

Sadly four that’s pretty standard teen girl behaviour. My Dd aged 13 had her entire friendship group turn on her overnight. Her new “best friend” betrayed her and spread mad stories to ensure no one else would be friends with Dd either. She sat alone at lunch and walked home alone. Even her young teacher noticed and told her to “stay strong you are better than those bitches”.

Seeing her face crumple as she walked up the garden path as she had had held in the tears all day was pretty tough.

She was ferocious that we were not to do or say anything to school and she would deal with it herself which she did and there is a happy ending. But I will always hate that girl. She later admitted to Dd she made it all up as she was bored and jealous. Fucking nutter.

1AngelicFruitCake · 30/10/2023 06:41

cansu · 29/10/2023 11:31

Many people say they would want to know but as a teacher I can tell you that most parents do not want any difficult info about their kids. Usually they will deflect, blame the messenger or ignore. However that doesn't mean that it should not be reported but don't expect much to come of it from the parents.

Completely agree!!

Ive heard ‘Well that’s your side, my child’s side is…’
’My child wouldn’t do that’
’My child said x is annoying so that’s why they keep hurting him’
’Oh well, kids will be kids, they’re only 10 at the end of the day…’

So no, in theory we’d all like to know but often the ones with ‘be kind’ all over their Facebook are the ones with unkind children themselves who’d be there in a flash if they thought their child was being accused of anything.