Your child (teen) is a Bully- do you WANT to know?

[fourelementary]

As you’re not really in charge of how your teenage behaves out at school or with friends, and they’re happy enough but have other serious issues that are unable to be fixed…would you as a parent want to know if your child was bullying a friend… nasty stuff but hurtful not physical.

YABU- of course I’d want to know

YANBU- no- not in my control and they need to find their own ways of dealing with relationships.

Teens are under 16

Happy people don't bring other people down, whatever their age.
My DC won't have learned unkindness from me, so I would assume there was another issue at play. I remember bullies at school who, in hindsight, were doing it to avoid being bullied themselves. There was another who just had such a shit home life they were angry at the world. Neither reasons justify hurting someone else (physically or otherwise), but they do explain why, so absolutely I'd want to know so I could find that explanation and help them work through it.

however, I expect hearing it from a friend would be difficult. Don't be surprised if they jump on the defensive.

I'm a teacher and have actually never had a situation where a parent accepts even irrefutable evidence that their child is a bully.

Usually they come back the next day with a big long list of reasons why the other child is actually the bully, or pushes their child's buttons, or gives as good as they get.

So I wouldn't recommend approaching a parent yourself - they won't believe you.

you are the type that doesn't want to know, then you are part of the problem.

This.

As long as they are under my roof, being funded by me, i can absolutely influence and even control their behaviour and no fucking way will i tolerate bullying.

I know my kids and would just assume yours were not actually being bullied by mine at all. in my experience 90% of the parents of the nastiest, most manipulative little bullies think just this. Especially mothers of the most poisonous girls who choose who can and can't be included that week etc.

This, maybe because it would force the parents to explore their own behaviour, as in many cases I’ve observed, the bullying culture comes from within the family

I have two girls in secondary. My youngest has a friends that can be really nasty. Actually jealous that she had other friends. She will put her down. Exclude her. Ignore her. Whisper. Invite people over to hers when we have had them the previous day. I wouldn't say it's bullying as they get on most of the time. It's bitchyness and insecurity. Teen girls can be awful. Not all as some they have had no issues with. I'm not saying it isn't horrendous it absolutely is. I appreciate mums telling me if anything is wrong. Not had any issues with dd13 but sometimes dd11 will say things back to this particular girl and I tell dd about it if I think she's wrong. I like to know.

It's not that I have missed what a bully is, it's that behaviour is labelled as bullying without nuance. This thread already includes examples of people choosing to sit next to others on the bus and lack of invites to events. That could be bullying, could be interpreted as bullying, or may not be bullying. Ops examples sound like typical teen girl frenemies to me - reading Queen Bee would be better than approaching parents imo. The Minecraft example I gave was the one I remember actually being called bullying. If my kids chose not to play with someone who is a knob, I'm not making them or telling them off. The full extent of it was an out of school game of minecraft that a boy was no longer invited to. Well tough luck. Try being nicer.

I would want the school to be told and then I would want to speak to the teachers about it. Bullying is rarely straightforward and often handled badly by parents and schools. The charismatic popular bully rarely gets accused of bullying. It is often the weaker ones who are trying to survive that get accused because they are not liked as much.

Generally speaking, I would want to know, but my children are never going to be that bully, because if they ever tell me of situations where they have said something a bit harsh, I talk it through with them, helping them to see all sides of the situation. I don't tolerate mean talking - talking about their feelings on it is fine, but not talking badly of other people.

In contrast, most parents of bullies don't want to know because they don't see the behaviour as wrong. They see it as their child sticking up for themselves.

I would want to know because I would see the person they had become as partly a reflection of their upbringing and hence I would have had some role in this. I would want to try and rectify the situation whilst I still had the chance to have some influence on their behaviour

Parents need to realise there is a difference between.

Friends wanting to sit and play with other people.

Friends that can be nasty and upset your child but can they do still get on.

Kids that think it's funny to put you down in front of others.

Bullies who are relentless in never leaving you alone.

Physical bullies who hurt you every day.

Then you get to comments made online.

All are awful but not all are classed as bullying.

Yes, i 100% would want to know. As i am responsible and should have some control over how my teenager behaves. I should have instilled enough respect in my child to at least care a little bit that i am telling them off.

I hate bullies, i have stopped kids in the street to check they are ok with kids messing around, I know some who think if they are bullying, it stops them being bullied, anyone who turns a blind eye or makes excuses for their child bully, is a massive part of the problem.

Of course! It means there's an issue behind it that needs resolving. Bullies aren't happy secure kids. We are all a capable of being unkind and potentially engaging in bullying behaviour. We need to hold a light up to why they are doing it, stop it and try and prevent it happening anymore. Ignoring it is a terrible idea.