To quit my job and do fun creative stuff all the time?

[QueenOfCarrotFlowers]

Yes I know on the face of it I am very unreasonable.

I'm in my mid thirties, with young children, a disabled husband and a full time job.

I really am struggling! Physically overweight, aches and pains, just so very run down and feel about 30 years older than I am. Too exhausted to make the healthy choices I want to make a lot of the time.

I'm working in a decent job but although I have the skills and experience, my personal life means I have taken more time off than I'd like so I'm just not feeling like I'm doing well.

My children are wonderful and I hate that I only really see them for an hour or two on weekdays.

My husband can't work as he is injured. He is setting up a business which he can do with his disability, but it will likely take a while to take off and probably won't earn what I do.

I have enough savings to take time off work, but if I do that then I would find it hard to save this amount again, so would likely not have anything to pass on to my children down the line.

I just feel like I'm at the point where my life is not working -physically and psychologically.

I also have a history of trauma and mental illness as a result.

Honestly what I really want to do is to quit my job! Spend my time working on getting myself balanced. Meditation, breathwork, healthy eating, housework! Doing some of the creative things I want to do but never ever do. Writing the books I have always wanted to write. Maybe helping my husband build his business.

But, I am afraid of losing my financial security. Every other aspect of my life is suffering due to working, I'm just left with no energy at all.

Aibu to let go of a secure income to focus on my wellbeing and family? I know most people would say iabu but I just don't see how I can keep running myself into the ground the way I am. The years of my children's childhood are short.

Has anyone left the rat race without being independently wealthy?

How do I sort my life out?

@M0rningShunshine831 yes this is a concern of mine. I do feel like I need to protect my own health. Unfortunately we don't have family support and friends either live far away or have their own responsibilities.

Yes but you can get a babysitter?

I also don’t understand why you can’t/never see friends. Social contact is important. Your DH is surely capable of looking after the kids whilst you go out? If he’s not then get a babysitter.

You could also get a babysitter so you have time to go to the gym.

I wouldn’t do it, unless you’ve got a hell of a lot of money behind you. I know some one who did this, it’s not as easy as it sounds..my friend packed her career in and wrote books, she had them published and they are selling but not in the quantities she was hoping for. She’s now looking for other work.
Your dh might not like having outside help coming in but it’s you bearing the brunt of the work.

What do you do?
I personally would not give the job up until your husband's business is thriving - and that might mean a couple of years and lots of ketchup sandwiches to eat!
What not concentrate on yourself and your issues as a first step? Organise your time better, get a personal trainer, only buy healthy, nutritious food. Get a cleaner or PT or even personal chef for a week.
Have you analysed why you are struggling? Any insights?

@QueenOfCarrotFlowers What line of work are you in?

No - you have a family and you are the main bread winner - you cannot blow everyone’s security on a whim. You may need that money in future for all sorts of reasons. Also, it won’t solve your problem long term.

However, do get in domestic help - never mind what your husband thinks

Do look into a career pivot so you can drop a day. And also pivots that will make you happier in your career.

@Onlinetherapist @FelicityFlops not exactly the same as, but similar to civil service

So even if your husband helps, he used strategic incompetence to make sure he's not asked again, thus ensuring you do everything. You think if you can magically get fitter, better, lose weight you can carry everything but the truth is it will make little difference as you will still be doing everything for everyone and be still exhausted. It would be easier as a lone parent, it is! You don't need to fix you. You need to outsource help and work on fixing your marriage so your husband contributes more, I'm disabled, I still have to clean house slowly and pay others to help.
Don't manage his business as well! That way madness lies, get some assistance for him or use online accounting.

The more I read, the more I believe your husband is taking you for a ride.

And in my book that's just unforgivable. To disrespect someone enough to see them going under right in front of your eyes and still not be prepared to proactively step up or find solutions for the family. Sounds like he's just looking out for himself here.

I'd be really considering my relationship before any other major lifestyle changes.

@QueenOfCarrotFlowers sounds like you might benefit from taking some annual leave, or if you don’t have much to spare just an odd day here and there to look after yourself?

If that isn’t possible right now, just finding small blocks of time to focus on your self care might help a little?

If that’s not possible it might be helpful to start with dropping a day and see how you go..might be just enough to give you a bit of breathing space for now..

Hey - I’m sorry to hear where you’re at OP and can completely believe with what you describe that you’ve reached psychological/ physical exhaustion.
I did actually quit my job after complete burnout after a long and outlandishly busy period at work - as a single parent of two young children - and am in the process of recovering some months later, feeling better every month.
I’d already gone part time but I’d gone beyond the point of recovering my health without some rest.
I am now digging right into my savings but I bought a v small house outright a few years ago in a cheaper area rather than have a mortgage and the strain of it.

I don’t regret quitting for a minute. I left on good terms and have a decent network and have rejoined my career before after a more creative break (without even the family-life excuse - but no questions were asked about what I was up to!).
I think career breaks are becoming more common - it doesn’t sound like you have much time for Linked-in :) but you could search around career breaks on there to see attitudes and culture.
With my newly found clear-headedness I’m also mulling over whether to return to something similar part-time next year (I did enjoy my job) or take a different turn.

I would say though that I’ve had to massively decrease my oiutgoings to be more thrifty - but I have more time for that!

But I feel much more grounded and my young children seem happier too.

it feels quite against the current culture - but for me, having some decent simple foundations for my family and TIME to breathe, is my priority. I have got the security of being mortgage free tho, even if it’s a modest place and far from London!

In my mind - if for some reason I couldn’t get another suitable job in the future for a period, or if longer term due to this break, our savings weren’t enough for what we need (eg future costs for my kids / uni etc), I’d even be willing to move somewhere cheaper again! Hopefully that won’t happen as we’re settled but I having some kind of back-up contingency has been helpful for me.

I know your situation is a bit different as you’ve got a partner with a disability so it’s more complex - but I just wanted to add a different perspective to other replies.

I would suggest:

• moving to a part-time job
• having a serious talk with your husband about his current contribution in term of finance and helping out at home
• make sure that you and your partner are claiming all the benefits you are entitled to. Does he currently get PIP?

It sounds to me like you are doing everything in your own (working, caring for your kids and keeping your home together) and have no help whatsoever from your partner.

I know being disabled suggest that things are harder for him but if he is able to run a business at home, he is also able to help you more than he currently does.

I think:

Find a less demanding job and get a cleaner etc to free up more time for your creative activities. Don't' just give up your current job until you've found something else, and don't let your husband dictate about not getting help if you can afford it.

Then ring-fence some time rigidly for your creative work each week.

I do see the advantage of buying in help. But then ultimately I'm working, missing out on my kids while simultaneously spending the savings I was hoping would help them in the future. It just seems like a crazy level of expenditure. But I will look at it.

It’s all well and good saving for the kids future and I commend you for it but you need to look at your own future, what good is depriving yourself of a facility that will give you something more valuable than money: the gift of time to take some of the pressure off and stop you from going under with stress.

honestly it's an ongoing struggle between me and my husband about him doing more. Although I will say that when he does do more, it sometimes actually causes more chaos than it solves

This really isn’t good enough from your husband. The learned helplessness of his chaos can be unlearned. Housework, cooking and family admin are not rocket science.

You’d have more time and energy without him, and buying in help.

I pay £15 an hour x 2 outside London a week for a cleaner, even in London it will be £50 for two hours. That's between £120 and £200 a month in exchange for your sanity! You can't do what they do in two hours as you are exhausted and busy with other stuff. You aren't superwoman, and you can't burnout either because so much rests on you. Get that sorted and shop online and that's most of a day saved off the weekend chores. Your husband could organise that once set up with reminders of who to pay. I notice you aren't really engaging over his not doing anything at home, perhaps that would be stressful for you to do, so at least if you create some time for yourself and outsource some stuff you can get the energy to deal with that situation.

Not sure how old your kids are, but is there anything you can delegate to them? Eg. Stripping the beds, washing up, making their own packed lunches?

Even with a physical disability, your DH could probably take some stuff off of your plate. For example, he could bung some stuff in a slow cooker in the morning so that you all have a hot meal to sit down to in the evening. He could take charge of meal planning or sorting out a weekly online shop (stick a pad on the fridge and write down when you use the last of something or send him some recipes). He can put a wash on, run the hoover around or make sure the kids have done their homework. Does he do any of this?

Also, would a robot vacuum cleaner help?

@PestilencialCrisis I wish my kids were old enough to delegate to! They are both under 5 and definitely more in the pretending to help rather than actually helping stage.

Unfortunately a robot hoover would not cut it at present, it wouldn't get far through the chaos!

Also yes I agree my husband could do a lot more to help if he were so inclined, as you say he could easily make something in the slow cooker etc

With 2 under 5 you are at a particularly hard stage, it will get easier as they get older I promise.

Ways to make things easier now:

Hire more help (cleaner, meals from Cook/Gousto etc)

Investigate part time

Build in a break between contracts

Get your DH to do more - telling him you are considering quitting as you’re so burned out might help him see he needs to step up

Use the savings - you need to protect your health and it should be easier to build them up later when DC are older.

Here is my ‘quickest possible meal’ (quickest in terms of prep time) which we ate lots of when my children were young. You can make double and freeze half or it tastes even better the next day.

Coconut dal

180g red lentils
Tin of coconut milk
A pinch of chilli flakes
An onion, finely chopped (I use the food processor)
1/2 tsp turmeric
A stick of cinnamon
Tablespoon of tamarind paste (or less if you prefer)
Salt
A lime

Put all of the above (except the lime) into a saucepan and cover with cold water, about an inch or so above the lentils. Bring almost to the boil then cook gently with a lid on for about half an hour until the lentils are cooked. Add more water if it gets too thick. Serve on top of rice (I always make mine in the microwave) or roasted sweet potatoes (again ours are made in the microwave) or roasted cauliflower for husband and me. Everyone gets a quarter of the lime to squeeze over the top of their dal and we generally have it with Greek yoghurt.

This was my guaranteed crowd pleaser and very little effort.

Does his disability prevent him from cooking (slinging some stuff in the air fryer or microwave at the very minimum) ? Does it prevent him from cleaning (hoover, run a cloth around to dust, stack the dishwasher) ?

I am involved with 2 charities for disabled people. Many are wheelchair users with chronic fatigue and other issues. They drive and some work. They cook meals and one does the ironing in her wheelchair, I have seen her do it.

If your H is that disabled he will be on PIP, this money is for help in the home and getting around. If he gets this what is he spending it on?

You must consider your state pension contributions, working PT may not cover it, I got caught out like that and now do not get my full pension.

Loosing weight will be good for you but that is not your main problem, your H is.

Hey, I just came across this old thread and I wondered what you'd decided? Please don't believe people who say you can't make a living from writing. It just depends what you write and how you do it. Get a part-time job and choose a commercial genre. Study current bestseller lists. If you want to be traditionally published, try that route, but don't give up if it doesn't work - consider self-publishing. Read Let's Get Digital and study Kindle charts. Self-published authors make more than traditionally published authors on average. A recent study showed an average if £80k p/a in comparison to like £5k. It's a lot of work but you get out what you put in and it's a lot of fun.