To quit my job and do fun creative stuff all the time?

[QueenOfCarrotFlowers]

Yes I know on the face of it I am very unreasonable.

I'm in my mid thirties, with young children, a disabled husband and a full time job.

I really am struggling! Physically overweight, aches and pains, just so very run down and feel about 30 years older than I am. Too exhausted to make the healthy choices I want to make a lot of the time.

I'm working in a decent job but although I have the skills and experience, my personal life means I have taken more time off than I'd like so I'm just not feeling like I'm doing well.

My children are wonderful and I hate that I only really see them for an hour or two on weekdays.

My husband can't work as he is injured. He is setting up a business which he can do with his disability, but it will likely take a while to take off and probably won't earn what I do.

I have enough savings to take time off work, but if I do that then I would find it hard to save this amount again, so would likely not have anything to pass on to my children down the line.

I just feel like I'm at the point where my life is not working -physically and psychologically.

I also have a history of trauma and mental illness as a result.

Honestly what I really want to do is to quit my job! Spend my time working on getting myself balanced. Meditation, breathwork, healthy eating, housework! Doing some of the creative things I want to do but never ever do. Writing the books I have always wanted to write. Maybe helping my husband build his business.

But, I am afraid of losing my financial security. Every other aspect of my life is suffering due to working, I'm just left with no energy at all.

Aibu to let go of a secure income to focus on my wellbeing and family? I know most people would say iabu but I just don't see how I can keep running myself into the ground the way I am. The years of my children's childhood are short.

Has anyone left the rat race without being independently wealthy?

How do I sort my life out?

@SatsumaNightmare nope you have misunderstood - I literally don't have time to do anything apart from work, make the quickest meal possible and put the children to bed, try and do what I can to the house and crash with them exhaustion. It's an issue of resources - time and energy. My job is very demanding and although I get paid well, there are very high expectations in place which I need to meet if I want to continue my career. I literally have no time in the day for anything else, no socializing, no hobbies, not had an evening with my husband since before my children were born. Been out with my friends twice in 4 years. It's really full on.

Yes because your DH is not helping you, not because of your job.

There are a lot of WFH jobs out there with very minimal output needed. There was a thread on here about it. Could you get one of those and just write creatively most of the time? Then you're getting paid for it

Though if your job is allowing you to do nothing else then it may be time to look for another job. It doesn’t sound healthy. Though your DH covering a hell of a lot more at home would help.

Why haven’t you been out with friends more than twice in 4 years? What happens at weekends? Can’t you go out for lunch? Is it work deadlines that mean you can’t go out with friends in the evening. Or the fact you have to do childcare/Hw? What about a babysitter? Just trying to understand more.

@DustyRhodesYell yes that would be great, I need to find that thread!

Maybe go part time? if not in this job then in a new job?

I understand your post completely but being in a poor financial situation myself I assure you that your mental health will tank once all your financial security has gone.

Regarding the writing.

I have a friend who has managed to make a modest living from writing, from home, for a decade or so while bringing up a child with special needs and serious health conditions (my friend also has chronic conditions). She specialises in writing blogs and marketing materials. She lives in a cheap part of the country. AI has now started to take this work and the work she's getting is rewriting the AI output!

I wrote a book once, as a challenge, alongside freelance work. I found it much harder work than a regular job and it was lonely. For a while I was in a writer's group with two other people in a similar position. Later, I took on some editing work alongside my teaching job, making an extra £2k a year or so after tax. One of the other writers from the group is now self-published and has successfully moved into teaching writing (he has a business doing something else though, which I imagine pays the actual bills). The other guy, I suspect, is living off former City earnings and his wife has a conventional job.

Another career writer I know is also married to someone who had a more conventional job and lives in a cheap part of the country.

I think you can see some common threads here.

I did learn a lot from writing that book and it definitely helped me acquire some skills, but I could never have replaced a salary that way.

@Phineyj yes I absolutely know I won't make a living from writing, it's more about having the time to do what I love. I would need another, bigger source of income to live long-term.

Your life does sound totally unsustainable from that last post.

What is your husband actually doing all day though? Why isn't he picking up the children, cooking you all tea and putting them to bed, at least some of the time?

What is happening at the weekends? Why are you not able to go out with friends or e.g. do an exercise class or writing class once a week?

Is it that he won't do it, can't do it, is crap at doing it, or you feel guilty about him doing it?

Would you be better off going it alone with a nanny?

Well that's good. Because writing can be very satisfying, but it's definitely not a good earner and the kind of writing that gets paid for often isn't fun to do.

Unless you’re working 70 hours plus a week I don’t buy it, sorry. Plus you’re posting on here.

You can write a book in fifteen minutes a day if you really want to. You can do breath work for five minutes.

Wow OP, this sounds hard going.
It’s clear that you are your husband’s carer, so I would then suggest getting in touch with your local Carer Centre. They can advise you and help you apply for carer’s allowance. This may help
with you going part-time.

Sympathies, as someone who was working 70 + hours a week, with a young family it’s unsustainable, it completely broke me. Don’t let it get to that point, however you do need a plan. Can you work more flexibly? It wasn’t an option for me in my job, hence hitting breaking point, so I had to look at life differently. Look at how much money we needed, and find a way to make it happen while trying to maintain my own well being and my family’s.

My husband is quite resistant to outside help, but it really does fall to me to work my job, do all the cooking, cleaning, childcare when I am not working.

This is your problem. Your husband. Your DH is not doing what he can to run the house. OK, he's injured but surely cooking & childcare is not beyond him, if he's able to set up a business?

I would seriously look at part time if at all possible. However, if not I would use some annual leave to take some space.
Like others have said dedicate 30 minutes a day to exercising or self care and up your fruit/vegetable intake. small habits build up and will help you feel better.

I have really severe chronic fatigue. Too weak to do do anything really.

I still stagger around sorting clothes, then have a rest. I prepare food but by bit during the day resting after each bit. And I’m pretty severe. Full pip and blue badge. Empty dishwasher bit by bit.

Your Dh is your problem.

@SatsumaNightmare you don't have to 'buy it'. There's not a huge amount of point being on my thread and commenting that you don't believe my own account of my own life.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I am really sorry to hear that. I think I may have some lower level version of this. I had glandular fever several years ago and never got my energy levels back.

I hope your DH can step up and help you then. This really is the key to you being able to feel healthy again.

Of course there is. Often we are far too close to the reality of our situation to see other perspectives. Humans also employ a whole load of psychological tactics to protect ourselves and find the paths of least resistance. I understand you may think I’m being mean, but I’m simply saying the majority of people have some time in their lives - it’s simply a matter of prioritising. I understand you have some issues going on, and I understand that it’s attractive to think of a different life where you will have all the time in the world to pursue things that don’t require you to be responsible for others.

I’m really not trying to be mean though. I’m saying that if you carve out and protect the time you have, and start working towards those goals now, you will feel so much better about yourself and your situation. You will start to feel more in control. Then you can really assess what you want.

I don’t think it’s helpful to affirm that you are helpless.

@Italiandreams yes this is me, 70+ hours a week. I need to somehow find some time to look at part time or flexible options...

OP, does your husband's physical disability really mean he can't do anything or does it just restrict some things? Eg he can't cut tall hedges but he could sit and chop veg? It sounds like he's checked out of literally any responsibility and of course you're burning out if you're the only one working and doing everything for three dependants at home.
As others have said it sounds questionable that his ADHD allows him to set up a business - with all the paperwork and plate spinning that involves - but not sort household bills etc.

What would happen if you got sick yourself ?

Would your DH do more to help ?
Do you have family or friends who can help you ?

@PinkArt honestly it's an ongoing struggle between me and my husband about him doing more. Although I will say that when he does do more, it sometimes actually causes more chaos than it solves. It is something that needs looking at though, yes.

In terms of starting the business, he has a particular skill which means he can make a niche product. He is very good at things like that as he will focus and just work on it for hours. But yes the actual selling of the product will be a bit more complicated.

No, don't leave completely.
Consider part time.
But I agree with the others who are saying if you DH is able to set up a business from scratch, he must also be able to pay bills / sort some household admin? Perhaps sitting down with him for a chat about what he could take on.

Also from your timeline you have very young children and these are the tough years in general at those ages, there will be light at the end of the tunnel

If you have savings perhaps get a fortnightly cleaner, and a fortnightly babysitter so you and you husband can have an evening together to reconnect

As far as healthy eating, this doesn't need you to quit your job. Try to meal plan and add in extra veg, fruit, and vitamins each week.

Try not to have a total life change all in one go - the most sustainable way of changing is changing one small thing at a time.
So perhaps this week coming, taking your vitamins each morning and finding a cleaner. Then the next week, add in 5 mins of writing each evening before bed.
For example.

Best of luck - small changes, done again and again until they are habits. Great audiobook on this by James Clear. X