To quit my job and do fun creative stuff all the time?

[QueenOfCarrotFlowers]

Yes I know on the face of it I am very unreasonable.

I'm in my mid thirties, with young children, a disabled husband and a full time job.

I really am struggling! Physically overweight, aches and pains, just so very run down and feel about 30 years older than I am. Too exhausted to make the healthy choices I want to make a lot of the time.

I'm working in a decent job but although I have the skills and experience, my personal life means I have taken more time off than I'd like so I'm just not feeling like I'm doing well.

My children are wonderful and I hate that I only really see them for an hour or two on weekdays.

My husband can't work as he is injured. He is setting up a business which he can do with his disability, but it will likely take a while to take off and probably won't earn what I do.

I have enough savings to take time off work, but if I do that then I would find it hard to save this amount again, so would likely not have anything to pass on to my children down the line.

I just feel like I'm at the point where my life is not working -physically and psychologically.

I also have a history of trauma and mental illness as a result.

Honestly what I really want to do is to quit my job! Spend my time working on getting myself balanced. Meditation, breathwork, healthy eating, housework! Doing some of the creative things I want to do but never ever do. Writing the books I have always wanted to write. Maybe helping my husband build his business.

But, I am afraid of losing my financial security. Every other aspect of my life is suffering due to working, I'm just left with no energy at all.

Aibu to let go of a secure income to focus on my wellbeing and family? I know most people would say iabu but I just don't see how I can keep running myself into the ground the way I am. The years of my children's childhood are short.

Has anyone left the rat race without being independently wealthy?

How do I sort my life out?

@QueenOfCarrotFlowers have you ever tried to make an income from writing? It's bloody hard.

Did you still need to work in the office every day during covid?

If not, did you manage to lose weight and get really healthy?

I had to WFH half of the time and go into the office half of the time and I definitely got healthier, ate better, exercised, slept well etc.
But other people did the absolute opposite and found they got less healthy and put on weight etc.

So taking time off work won’t necessarily help you.

If your DH isn’t working, does that mean he does the majority of the childcare and housework etc?

If he can set up his own business then he can also be trying to make your life easier by taking on whatever he can.

Does he do the online shop, life admin, kids homework, cooking etc?

I would look into dropping a day.
I did this (not by choice) and it was honestly life changing, especially if your kids are at school.

Does he not help because of his disability or could he help but won’t?

‘Resistant to outside help’! Of course he is when you are doing everything- working full time in a stressful job, being the main breadwinner, then doing everything at home and to do with the kids?

No wonder you are burnt out. Something needs to change. Your health is important. Not saying give up the job but hey some help in. Get him to do what he can.

Use some unpaid leave to get on top of things and have a break?

OP as someone who works in this industry, the average published author earns £5,000 a year. So even if you get an agent, get published by a major publishing house, achieve translation rights and books published in other countries, win literary awards... It's still very unlikely you can support your family with your writing.

It's a great thing to achieve though, but for most authors there's little money in it. Most authors have normal jobs too to support themselves.

My actual advice though is to change jobs - try and get something that has a decent pay, low workload, ideally you can WFH/doesn't burn you out. Then you can have time to focus on wellness and also do your writing.

I know that sounds like a unicorn job, but your current one doesn't sound like it's good for you! Hopefully you'll be able to find something better once you start looking in earnest.

I think it would be a questionable decision to give up your work completely in those circumstances. Could you cut your hours or ask for a 9 day fortnight (you spread the lost hours over the 9 days). It won’t give you loads of time but it will help. I’d also try not to tackle so much at once. Write a list of what you want to achieve, then prioritise them in order. When you’ve got your most important 1 give it a few weeks to really nail that then go back to your list and add in your second priority. Some of them will be easy to incorporate in to a working day as well. For instance you can do 5 minutes meditation each morning while you wait for the kettle to boil. You can write a gratitude list in the 2 minutes before you sleep.

Very true!

OP as a PP said I would focus on losing weight right now.

Its difficult without knowing how much your DH helps you but I would start eating healthier and going for a walk every evening (perhaps with the kids and tire them out).

Then I would have 30mins every day where you do something creative, either before the kids go to bed or afterwards.

It will be quite difficult at first but you need to force yourself to get into a routine and schedule time to do these things.

You could even start doing it just on a Saturday and Sunday first - going for a long walk then coming home and sticking the kids in front of the TV whilst you have 30mins to yourself to do some writing.

@Itsnotchristmasyet during the pandemic I was on maternity, working from home while pregnant, then on maternity again. In some ways it was a struggle (mainly emotionally as I couldn't do the social activities with the children that I would have liked to) but my health was a lot better, yes. I am a good cook and really enjoy cooking healthy meals for the family, which was something I could do when I had more time.

My husband has suspected ADHD and really struggles with housework, bills etc so I do all of that, too. He was going to be doing childcare but has not been able to due to his physical disability worsening.

You are feeling desperate as you are exhausted and your husband is neither working or doing household work, partly due to his disability, but I also suspect not pulling his weight at home unless he is severely disabled (I am minorly disabled and like most disabled mums have to do childcare and housework just because!) Get a cleaner for starters, two or three hours a week and shop only online or get husband to do that. Outsource and get him to do the jobs he can (bills, childcare). You can't do everything, and care for him, you will burn out. Once you have outsourced and redistributed the load, then and only then look at reducing income or life changes.

He might need to follow your system or repeat an online shop the same every week but if he's going to start a business he must have the skills to do some childcare and some household tasks, he can't do nothing! He can sit and do homework with the kids every night for starters!

Or he can get assessed, get treated and work on life skills during this time, you can't have one non functioning partner to carry, it's worse than being a lone parent (which I am).

I’m not sure what I’d do in your situation but I’ve drastically changed my life since the pandemic and am so relieved.

I was working full time, paying a mortgage on my own, living in a place a didn’t particularly like, and everything just got too much. It was down south in a busy commuter town.

I sold up, moved up to the Lake District which enabled me to buy mortgage free as houses so cheap up here.

I’ve been in the new house 6 weeks, it’s such a relief to know I can now choose what work I want to do, not worry about the mortgage and I do feel that aged 43 I’ve semi retired!

I’d say follow your heart and dreams, life is short and precious x

Here's what I did - bit older than you when I did it:

• went part time and used the rest of the time to retrain in photography.
• eventually when qualified I left work and spent many years having a great time earning money by photography, picture editing, running art outreach projects and singing workshops.

I have never regretted it and my DDs learned that life can be grabbed by the balls !

You clearly regard your plans as financially viable so just do it. We took a financial hit, but I was happier and fulfilled and the family were 100% behind me.

Focus on why your DH can do to help you. If he’s setting up he’s own business then he can, as someone suggested- supervise kids and homework. You could then pop to an exercise class after work (if that’s something you’d enjoy - but just take some time off).

@MiddleagedBeachbum

This is definitely another possibility. I would love to move to the lake district! I do earn well still have no money left at the end of this month. Reducing the cost of living by moving out of London would probably give me more flexibility.

I should clarify, I have no money left over from my income each month. I do have existing savings.

Ok, so you have an end point and other options after that. That's good. And you have got rid of some of the stresses from your previous job. How do you feel about the other things I suggested to make you feel better in the meantime and in any case?

Try this and do enough rather than consistently doing more
buy in help - meal propped healthy foods, cleaner etc

Very nicely- you are giving your husband too much of a free pass here. He has got to the age he has without a diagnosis of adhd suggesting that it was not severe enough in his younger life to stop him from functioning. If he is unable to do life admin then how on Earth is he going to run a business? If he is capable of setting up a business he can take more of the home life admin. Stop listening to his bullshit.(ok that wasn’t so nice but he is bullshitting you).

what is he doing about the adhd? Yes waiting lists are long so in the meantime it’s self help for him unfortunately. Is he doing that ?

finally - if you haven’t already- please get yourself seen by the gp. You’ve had 2 quick pregnancies by the sounds of it. It does a number on your body . So worth checking thyroid and vitamin levels etc.

Would be nice wouldn’t it? But sadly adult life isn’t like that.
Once you start making healthier choices you will see how your energy, health. and mood improve. Healthy food only,and get moving. Use any savings ti get help with cleaning/childcare. You don’t beed to be passing money on, your children can earn their own.

Giving up your job sounds like a dream/ fantasy, but this will not solve your problems

Does your DH receive PIP ?
Does you claim carers allowance for him ?

I would try to do one small thing per day that makes you feel better & write a journal or photo diary

Suggest buy a robot hoover

Buy fruit & veg for the week
Batch cook at the weekend ?
Make your packed lunch, when you make your evening meal, perhaps leftovers

Allocate some daily time alone for yourself to decompress

Discuss with your DH what he CAN DO to help

Good luck

OP. I did what you want to do but only for a year. I was absolutely on my knees with post viral fatigue and could barely function. I decided getting well and also being a good, present mum to my DC was more important.

I took up meditation, yoga, fitness, healthy eating, journalling, and learned new skills. Within 8 months I was revived and restored and offered a better paying job than I had before on a fixed term contract which cushioned me financially to be able to set up working freelance from home, PT, which I've done ever since. It was definitely the right decision.

First of all, you’re not in a financial position to do this. So the fact you’re considering it despite that tells me that you have a tenacious grasp on understanding yourself. I’m not saying this to be mean and it’s very common, but it’s relevant to my second point. In your head you think not working means you will do these other things. The reality is you won’t. These are your ‘if only I had a better life I could…’ fantasies. And the reason I know that is because you could do those things whilst you are working, but you’ve chosen not to. Writing a book is hard work. It’s not some whim you can just put on like a hat, and take off again.

Gently, I think you’re massively struggling mentally with accepting your lot. I think that if you’re not liking your job then you need to retrain. You need to find some creative outlets you can explore whilst you’re working. And you need to be really honest with yourself, because you really aren’t being at present.

I agree with @TheProvincialLady that you can get lots of benefits immediately from focussing on fitness and diet. Start by adding some supplements - Vit D spray, iron, magnesium, B-complex all help with fatigue. Try to eat 10 a day not five - berries with breakfast or pink grapefruit; salad or soup at lunch time with at least 4 different types of veg in them, and a piece of fruit, three portions of steamed or roast veg at night - rainbow colours, different fruit and veg each day.

It's possible to do 5 minute yoga stretches online first thing and last thing at night, or 5 minute HIIT which I love to give an energy boost. If you don't drive to work, use the commute to listen to meditation tapes. If you do drive you could try energising affirmations.

I think the problem is your husband not letting you outsource. Why does he get the final say? Does he get PIP? This is what pip for. To pay for external help.

Im not suprised your losing the plot if you are doing all housework, kid care, cooking and working. You need a conversation with him.