To be bothered by what MIL said?

[Mastmw7g]

My MIL has a special bond with my 10 year old. She told DD that she'd have her live with them if we'd let her. She even said she'd put DD in the school nearby. Now DD keeps referring to MILs as "home" and our home as the place she "visits"

Two week’s visit? No way. Cut that right down. Your MIL is messing with your DD’s head and hurting your other children by ignoring them. This isn’t a special bond. There’s something off about it all.

Tell your DH not to let your DD phone your MIL so much. He can say that his mother is busy/out/tired, etc. Maybe even instigate a weekly family call to Gran where you, then all children speak briefly, before your DH takes over the phone and speaks to them. Show you’re a family unit.

Does MN hate MILs so much that even when op comes on to say that the calls are initiated by dd and that MIL probably said it in response to a question from dd, pp are still so certain that MIL is doing something wrong.

How is MIL ignoring the other children? OP said they join the calls but wave and go. How is that MILs fault?

There is no reason on this earth why anyone should be telling a child their real home is with them and they only visit their parents (outwith a foster arrangement when the child visits the parents).

That's an incredibly unsettling thing to tell a child. Why would anyone do that?

It sounds like MIL has little interest in the other children, hence their apparent reluctance to engage for long.

"There is no reason on this earth why anyone should be telling a child their real home is with them and they only visit their parents (outwith a foster arrangement when the child visits the parents)."

What if the child says 'if anything happened to mum and dad could I live with you?' or 'one day when I'm older can I live with you?' OP said it was a comment likely in response to a question from dd. What is a grandparent supposed to say to that? No you can't?

"It sounds like MIL has little interest in the other children, hence their apparent reluctance to engage for long."

Does it, where has op said that? All dc spend time with mil. One dc asks to call mil. Other dc are invited to the call but wave and go. What has mil done wrong or are we just guessing?

"There is no reason on this earth why anyone should be telling a child their real home is with them..."

Luckily nobody told dc that. That is something that dc has decided for themselves and started saying to op.

DD was again going on about how MIL is a hundred times better than either of us and she wants to live with her until she dies. My oldest said my MIL was a narcissist, and it reminded me of this thread. She said children's minds are malleable and I shouldn't allow the kids to be with my MIL until they're much older. I'm sure she's getting some if not all of this from watching videos online, but it really impacted me because I had no idea she felt this way.

Op you have to listen to your oldest DD. The relationship between you younger DD and MIL is not healthy.

DD is getting fed ideas from somewhere most likely MIL. Drawing comparions between Mum and Gran, and where is home vs visiting is not a normal thing for a 10yo to be doing.

I'd cut the phone calls but you need DH on board.
What would you or he do if in a year or twos time DD said she wanted to move? He needs to help knock the idea out her head that living with Granny is possible or in any way a good idea

Make sure your DH supervises calls going forward.

Do not let them stay with her for 2 weeks unsupervised

Tell MIL this kind of talk is inappropriate and that you need her help to stamp it out because it's obviously wrong and you're absolutely sure this isn't coming from her because that would be so silly and would result in her not having unsupervised contact. So you know she wouldn't be that daft.

Call her out in a passive aggressive way, but keep it friendly with a warning of what will happen if she doesn't knock it off.

I feel nervous. What if I'm overreacting and MIL is just a kindly grandmother with a poor filter? Then any efforts I make to limit their time together is actually interfering with a beneficial relationship.

I honestly don't think you are over reacting.
There is something very unsettling about your DD saying your house isn't her real home. Someone must have put that idea in her head. There is something unhealthy in the relationship. Your older daughter is also seeing it.

I can't help wonder is MIL seeing your DD as the Daughter she never had. Is she using her to fulfill her own dreams?

I'd worry that in 2/3 years as you try and draw boundaries DD will decide that she'd rather live with granny with zero rules and boundaries and they'd be sod all you can do.

Very much what @Sugarfree23 put, are you going to have a 13 yo running away because grandma allows her out all the time? Or will she go an mil can't cope with a stroppy teen who doesn't worship her and wants to be with her friends?

I’ve read your threads before about your eldest DD and rent and your 10yr old wanting to live with your MIL and of course I was on your side.

But having read your thread about your 10 year old being on the verge of a possible eating disorder and you happy to let her go hungry has me reading this thread in a whole new light. Sorry but I can now see why your DD is clinging to her MIL if that’s where she is getting love and affection from.

I agree with this. I've reread all three threads and there's definitely a scapegoat in the family and it's not the dh. I feel so sorry for your younger dd.

This. Say it quietly but firmly and look her straight in the eyes. Make it very clear that you will not tolerate her trying to come between you and your daughter.

And tell your DH that he will have a big problem on his hands if it carries on.