To be bothered by what MIL said?

[Mastmw7g]

My MIL has a special bond with my 10 year old. She told DD that she'd have her live with them if we'd let her. She even said she'd put DD in the school nearby. Now DD keeps referring to MILs as "home" and our home as the place she "visits"

@OldBilge I am not sure how long you have been on MN but there are threads on here all the time about young teens leaving home to live somewhere else and the parent is distraught because the police won't return them home if they are safe and looked after. Social services may also get involved but the child is safe and they take their wishes into consideration. That includes boyfriends/girlfriend's houses despite being under 16 and in one case recently her 13 year old son with his pregnant 16 year old girlfriend.

My friend cut her own mother because she could see this was where her relationship with her grandchild was going, dripping bits of information into his ear, Grandma would let you do that, Grandma would give you chocolate for breakfast, what a meanie your Mum is not letting you do fun things.

I agree.

My husband is one of three. His mother's sister did this to his sister. Favoured her hugely and there was much talk of a special bond. I can't tell you the damage it's done to the family. My husband and his brother massively resent their aunt for taking their sister on holidays without them and buying her gifts. The aunt took her to Disney land for example when she was nine and my dh was 11.

More so they are angry at their parents for allowing it to happen. It's had far reaching implications on all five of the family members.

Then you are naive. How old are your children?

Teenagers are always stomping off to places where they think they will get better treatment. Like the Billy Goats Gruff.

He thinks we should give consequences for when DD insults us by saying this isn't her home

I think you'd be giving consequences to the wrong person. Why blame a ten year old child when it's an adult putting these thoughts into her head? Your husband must be coward, easier to take it out on his child than his mother isn't it.

You say that they see a lot of each other in school holidays so I assume that your mil provides childcare. I think it's lovely that your mil makes sure that they have a lovely time and that dd in particular really enjoys her visits. You say that dd calls mil, so it sounds as if the close relationship is led by her. You say that your other children are invited to the phone but do so only briefly. To me, this is a grandparent who is doing all the right things. It does hurt when a child looks like they prefer someone else but ime this is temporary and we shouldn't be jealous of that relationship but just be happy that the child has several close bonds.

Lots of projection on this thread about favouritism, presents, holidays. OP hasn't mentioned any of that.

What was your view of the relationship before this comment?

I spent a lot of time at my cousin's house growing up as we were very close. I'm sure I said similar as a teenager but it would have been to assert how much I loved visiting, not to diminish home. Home was home was absolute and immovable.

My MIL had boys and then the first grandchild was a girl who MIL minded five days a week for years. DN is at uni now and they still have a lovely, very special bond. It's not a bad thing.

She calls her Grandparents' house home following the conversation about living there. The Grandmother talks to her grandaughter every week but at no stage appears to make an effort to speak to the 3 other grandchildren who all live in the same house. As my Mother would say you don't make fish of one and fowl of another. You try to even things out. Children are perceptive and pick up on not being the favoured grandchild.

No grandparent should be telling a child they would be living with them if it wasn't for the parents stopping them. It is sowing seeds. It isn't the child reporting that they want to live there, it is the grandparent telling her she should but Mummy and Daddy won't let you.

It's literally about favouritism.

Just what I was thinking!

Ignore your DD calling your home the place she visits, she’s looking for attention from it. She has picked up on you resenting the time she spends with her grandparent.

Op is your daughter nt? I ask became a 10 old shouldn't be "mixing up" homes nor should they be calling their gm's house their "real home" when they know its not. However, i doubt your dd is getting confused, she's likely loving the drama it's causing when she says this. That's still very immature behaviour. If she was 5 I would understand. I would call out mil and limit dds contact for now.

And rather than pussyfootig around when dd says her comments, about hones jusr say "Dd don't be so silly, this is your homr" and don't engage further about it.

Ask your mother in law not to keep saying things as it's upsetting and have a word with your daughter and say your house is home and nanny's could be classed as a second home but is not your home.
Personally I find it rude your daughter is talking like this and would put my foot down.
You are on one hand very lucky your mother in law cares so much, mine doesn't take any notice at all, but I can see how it would also be annoying.

Cut down the contact slowly. Start with reducing the calls - it’s not a special relationship it’s weird. It’s manipulative and it’s going to heat things up at home for those awkward teenage years. You have to nip in the bud now and deal with this. Tell DH this is what will be happening and needs to support you, or else he can just “visit”

I honestly don't understand the posts about favouritism.

DD calls mil, not the other way round. Is she supposed to decline the call?

The other children are invited to the call, so no favouritism, but just wave and leave.

This is not good. At all. I’d be stopping contact.

Op, don't make any big announcements re contact be discreet and clever about reducing the calls, have something else's going on.

Dd is that grandma can you tell her we are off out, doing hw... Doing craft.

Then have a word. Be firm this is absolutely nothing to do with dd it's all about this mil.

I think giving the child consequences will backfire immensely. Just say - awww it's lovely you're so close to Grandma and move on. The more you fight it the bigger the issue will get.

But also, I'd be examining my own relationship with my child if they were genuinely feeling they had a better relationship with another mother figure.

OP, I'm sure this is really hurtful for you. I'm sure her saying this deep down is causing you pain but taking that pain and turning it into discipline and punishment is not the answer.

Your DD is 10yrs, it's likely a phase for a start and you have to be the bigger person. Spend some quality time with her, do things that she enjoys.

Is your DD favouring Grandma because she listens more, pays more interest in things that are important to her, builds her self-esteem? Or simply gives her some 1-2-1 time that she craves? Etc etc.

Having multiple kids can make it harder to give one child that individual treatment and some kids, perhaps like your son's don't need it. But perhaps your DD is a bit more sensitive and she does and I can imagine a young girl just on the precipice of puberty with two younger brother racing around - could justifiably need some more maternal attention.

Grandma is important to her - it's quite frankly pretty bitter, manipulative, controlling and really mean to start to drive a wedge between them deliberately as some of the advice here suggests.

Why not just sit down and having a loving conversation with your 10yr old about it instead? She'll be in senior school soon, she's perfectly capable of having an age appropriate conversation and hearing some of your feelings on this all - if that conversation is honest and like, I say, loving and comes from a good place.

Honestly some of the advice on here is really dark. She has a grandma she loves so all this 'take that bitch away this child is mine.....' is just awful given the very limited information you've provided.

Op I'd be concerned about this too. It's like weird grooming by MIL and undermining you both as parents.

Any more mentions of this not being her real home I think you need to call out. "What do you mean by that, of course this is your home" "what gives you that idea".

Not sure how you do it, esp as DD is calling Gran, but I'd cut the number of phone calls. No you can't call Gran just now we are going to play a game, doing something etc

Does DD have her own phone? Or is she using the house phone blame the cost of calling.

My dd would he seeing a lot less of dgm.

I do have another daughter, but she's from my first marriage and an adult. She hasn't seen MIL in years and doesn't call her like my 10 year old does, who tells my husband she wants to call MIL and then he gives her his phone. So MIL isn't making these calls. I am only sending the kids to MIL for two weeks this year. They didn't see my PILs during 2020-2021, so I sent them for a long time in 2022 and it set a precedent so I felt guilty if I didn't do the same in 2023. I've already said it will only be a visit for two weeks this upcoming year.

I wasn't there when MIL said it, but I could see it being said in response to DD saying she wished she could stay with MIL forever. I still felt uneasy about it.

I don't blame you for feeling uneasy about it.
I'd certainly correct any comments about your house not being 'home'.
Maybe even a chat on what the meaning of 'home' is.

Not sure how you cut the calls down, without getting DH on board, but he does need to see the issue.

I’d speak to MIL and tell her to correct this or there will be no visit this year. Your DD is loving being the one singled out and is reacting to that. I’d cut down on the phone calls as well. Sorry not right now, you can tomorrow.

This sounds really destabilising for your DD. Non parents shouldn't be asserting themselves as the 'better' option. My exMIL kept this up. For my oldest DD this has been really difficult emotionally (her grandma saying I wasn't as good at parenting etc) and it eventually left my dd turning against the manipulative digs and finally she turned her back on the grandma. But it's been really distressing for her along the way and all because of exMIL and her need for validation