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Original poster

How to stop feeling down about not having children yet

68 replies

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:49

Every time I see people on social media or in real life with children, especially babies and toddlers, I've been feeling sad, almost envious lately. I really want one but my partner isn't ready and I don't know when he will be.
Of course, I know it'll be very hard work. I'm sure those parents envy things that childfree people have, like undisturbed sleep. Or maybe they don't!
It's crazy because I was on the fence for years, but now it's all I can think about. It's hormones I suppose.. I just want to get this out of my mind and start feeling happy again. Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
Parpadew · 28/10/2023 19:53

Having children isn't objectively better than your life now. Objectively it's worse. So just enjoy now while you can.

Flittingaboutagain · 28/10/2023 19:56

I felt exactly the same. Whilst it's hard, I have absolutely no desire to go back to a childless life and never envy those without children. That could be because I know how awful it can feel to want them and be unable to have them for so long or maybe just my experience. Mine are currently poorly, baby on my lap trying to sleep as I cuddle her and my husband upstairs with the toddlers. It's carnage and yet I'm so grateful.

I really hope your partner isn't stringing you along here because it sounds like you have that yearning I felt and nothing made it go away until I finally (about 12 years later) held my baby.

RandomMess · 28/10/2023 19:58
  1. It is your hormones. They are utter self servings things that go against sanity and logic.
  1. If you are sure you want DC don't be strung along

💕

Reddog1 · 28/10/2023 20:02

Is there the faintest possibility that your partner is stringing you along? I am not being unkind but I don’t want you to waste your fertile years on a man who isn’t committed. I’m 51 and have a handful of friends who found themselves suddenly single at 40ish having missed the pregnancy boat. Time flies by.

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 28/10/2023 20:03

Just sending hugs, it's hard. I have 3DC, but had a lot of mc's before DC1, and I found it so hard not having kids.
My DH absolutely wanted kids.
All my previous partners didnt.
I absolutely second not getting strung along. And also not having a child with someone that doesn't want them. Either find someone else or go solo. Don't dedicate these years to someone who isn't on the same page.

CaptainBarnaclesandthevegemals · 28/10/2023 20:04

Parpadew · 28/10/2023 19:53

Having children isn't objectively better than your life now. Objectively it's worse. So just enjoy now while you can.

There is nothing objective about it. It’s entirely subjective.

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 28/10/2023 20:05

How old are you OP?

Badlydrawnmum · 28/10/2023 20:06

When do you think he will feel ready? I think this is a problem many women have. Men don’t want to accept growing up and doing serious things like having babies until it’s too late for their partners.

Original poster
Nooooom · 28/10/2023 20:09

Thanks everyone for understanding. I'm 33. It's just so hard to have time frame...

OP posts:
Paperbagsaremine · 28/10/2023 20:12

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 20:09

Thanks everyone for understanding. I'm 33. It's just so hard to have time frame...

Ah perfectly normal, at that age, and, to OP's other half...

This is shit-or-get-off-the-pot time, matey, start engagement ring shopping while browsing childcare books or you'll be dumped for a better fatherhood prospect.

Vet73 · 28/10/2023 20:14

I feel exactly the same but I’m 25. I’ve wanted children my whole life. My partner and I set a date that we will start trying. He desperately wants them too but we’re trying to wait until we have more savings. Savings or not we have an agreed day we will just say ‘fuck it’.

What is putting your partner off?

Original poster
Nooooom · 28/10/2023 20:16

Sorry to hear you feel the same.. I think it's finances but we will manage fine. However I just don't think he's ready to 'settle down' even though he likes having a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Flittingaboutagain · 28/10/2023 20:18

Vet73 · 28/10/2023 20:14

I feel exactly the same but I’m 25. I’ve wanted children my whole life. My partner and I set a date that we will start trying. He desperately wants them too but we’re trying to wait until we have more savings. Savings or not we have an agreed day we will just say ‘fuck it’.

What is putting your partner off?

I mean this kindly but have you had therapy? Sometimes desperately wanting a child "your whole life" (when you're still a young adult) means you want to mother someone in the way you wish you'd been mothered or you're trying to heal an inner wound. If anything at all resonates here, explore it before you potentially work through your emotional stuff as a mum.

Tiddlywinkly · 28/10/2023 20:19

Time to move on. You are young enough to find someone else who wants them and have a bit of children free time. In five years, you won't.

TeaKitten · 28/10/2023 20:20

It’s confusing that you have 2 near identical threads about this, started at almost the same time.

It does sound as though he’s not right for you though, you are at totally different places in your life.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 28/10/2023 20:20

How long have you been together? I think you need to have a serious chat about when to start ttc and be prepared to walk away if he’s not having concrete chats as your window for a baby is realistically 7 years

endlessfall · 28/10/2023 20:20

At 33 I wouldn't be wasting time with a boyfriend who wouldn't commit and didn't want to settle down at bit.
Particularly not if I wanted a family.

Reugny · 28/10/2023 20:21

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 20:09

Thanks everyone for understanding. I'm 33. It's just so hard to have time frame...

If he is not ready for children in the next 12 months dump him and move on.

I'm serious.

It doesn't matter whether you are married or not.

Like a previous poster I've seen women strung along particularly as I have older sisters. So with my own friends and acquaintances, myself and others have told them straight and even cornered their OH.

I know from my brothers and male friends that men who want children, especially if they are in their 30s and 40s, are clear they want them.

DelurkingAJ · 28/10/2023 20:21

How long have you been together? I had a pretty blunt conversation with DH when I was 27 and we’d been dating three years (and living together two) about being happy to be single again at 30 but not being up for being dumped at 35 because I eventually wanted DC. We got married a couple of years later then had DS1 a couple of years after that. DH will happily admit that he simply hadn’t done the maths that I was doing, working backwards.

Snowonthebeachx · 28/10/2023 20:27

It's perfectly normal to want kids in your 30s. I would get him to commit to a time frame and make sure it is before you are 35. Not fertility scaremongering as I know this isn't actually a"cliff edge" but it gives you the best chance of having the number of children you want.
If he can't do this then you might have to accept you want different things.

ScarboroughHair · 28/10/2023 20:41

Op your feelings and wants are absolutely valid and at 33 you have every right to put having children very high on your agenda. You feel so low about it because you have no agency or control of the situation. It seems to be all about waiting for your partner. You need to take some control.

How often are you talking to your partner about this, does he realise how important it is to you? If not, that's your first step. If he does know but is still non-committal then your relationship is on shaky ground already, as either you're not on the same page about the future or he's not that interested in what you want, or both. I'd be giving him 6 months to make a decision - not necessarily to start trying, but a definite time frame for when you will (and not in five years' time...). Or else the relationship has to come to an end.

You don't need to get it out of your mind and start feeling happy. What you want matters too.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 28/10/2023 20:49

How long have you been with your partner?

If it’s over 2/3 years then you need to be giving him an ultimatum.

Tell him that you want to be pregnant by this time next year and so you’ll give him until next …. and if he’s still not ready, then you’ll have no choice but to end the relationship.

If you were a couple years younger then I wouldn’t worry about giving him an ultimatum but unfortunately time isn’t on your side and if he’s never going to be ready then you need the time to find someone who is.

Itsnotchristmasyet · 28/10/2023 20:53

I’ve just ready your other thread… you’ve been together several years!!

He should definitely know whether he wants to settle find by now.

I’d give it 6 months and if he’s still not ready then it’s time to move on.

Hibiscrubbed · 28/10/2023 20:59

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 20:16

Sorry to hear you feel the same.. I think it's finances but we will manage fine. However I just don't think he's ready to 'settle down' even though he likes having a girlfriend.

My life savings he won’t be ready ever…

Hibiscrubbed · 28/10/2023 21:00

Itsnotchristmasyet · 28/10/2023 20:53

I’ve just ready your other thread… you’ve been together several years!!

He should definitely know whether he wants to settle find by now.

I’d give it 6 months and if he’s still not ready then it’s time to move on.

Based on this, he’s either future faking you or he’s trying to run your clock down so you can’t.

If he wanted children with you, he’d know.

I'm sorry, OP.

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