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Original poster

How to stop feeling down about not having children yet

68 replies

Nooooom · 28/10/2023 19:49

Every time I see people on social media or in real life with children, especially babies and toddlers, I've been feeling sad, almost envious lately. I really want one but my partner isn't ready and I don't know when he will be.
Of course, I know it'll be very hard work. I'm sure those parents envy things that childfree people have, like undisturbed sleep. Or maybe they don't!
It's crazy because I was on the fence for years, but now it's all I can think about. It's hormones I suppose.. I just want to get this out of my mind and start feeling happy again. Has anyone else been through this?

OP posts:
Jk987 · 28/10/2023 21:03

Why isn't your partner ready? Have you not been together long or perhaps you're both in your twenties still? Is he definitely the one for you?

surreygirl1987 · 28/10/2023 21:24

I mean this kindly but have you had therapy? Sometimes desperately wanting a child "your whole life" (when you're still a young adult) means you want to mother someone in the way you wish you'd been mothered or you're trying to heal an inner wound. If anything at all resonates here, explore it before you potentially work through your emotional stuff as a mum.

This is a weird thing to say. It's very common to know you want to be a mother from a young age. Even my 5 year old the other say says he 'wants to be a daddy' when he grows up. Wanting to procreate is a very natural desire! I knew when I was young that I wanted a family. Not AT THAT EXACT MOMENT but I always knew I'd have kids if I could. I really don't think this means a person needs therapy!! 🤦‍♀️

Darknight5 · 28/10/2023 21:28

At 33, if you really want children, you don’t have time to waste on someone who is on the fence about it especially if you’ve been together a while. I don’t want to scare you, but ttc might take longer than you think. You need to have a serious conversation about your future with this man and don’t be scared to stay just because you’re afraid of starting again.

Also you don’t need therapy, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to have children at all.

FaintlyInglorious · 28/10/2023 22:19

33 is very young IMO. At that age I moved to London to work in TV. We moved back to my home city when I was 36 and and I had our first of two DCs at age 39.

Our decisions were all finance driven. I don't know your circumstances, but I wouldn't worry too much - you're partner probably just wants to be a bit better established first.

If you don't keep mentioning it and just focus on other things, he'll probably decide himself quite soon that he wants children.

DisquietintheRanks · 28/10/2023 22:23

Time to say goodbye to your current partner and go find someone who shares your priorities @Nooooom

GreenClock · 28/10/2023 22:48

FaintlyInglorious · 28/10/2023 22:19

33 is very young IMO. At that age I moved to London to work in TV. We moved back to my home city when I was 36 and and I had our first of two DCs at age 39.

Our decisions were all finance driven. I don't know your circumstances, but I wouldn't worry too much - you're partner probably just wants to be a bit better established first.

If you don't keep mentioning it and just focus on other things, he'll probably decide himself quite soon that he wants children.

No, 33 isn’t “very young” when it comes to pregnancy. You only think that because you were quite a bit older than average having your first.

Very few people want to be pregnant for the first time at 39. Understandably so.

Wednesdaysotherchild · 28/10/2023 22:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

HungryandIknowit · 28/10/2023 22:55

How long have you been together and in what circs (living together, etc.)? If longer than a couple of years I would consider going it alone. Don't waste your fertile years on someone that doesn't want the same things as you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2023 22:59

GreenClock · 28/10/2023 22:48

No, 33 isn’t “very young” when it comes to pregnancy. You only think that because you were quite a bit older than average having your first.

Very few people want to be pregnant for the first time at 39. Understandably so.

Show quote history

True. And if OP waits a year to see if her partner decides, then breaks up... She's got no time at all. Shit or get off the pot I think. And I had DD late.

Reddog1 · 28/10/2023 23:03

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/10/2023 22:59

True. And if OP waits a year to see if her partner decides, then breaks up... She's got no time at all. Shit or get off the pot I think. And I had DD late.

Show quote history

Yeah, I should have said that I was late 30s too. I don’t want it to look as if I was having a dig at Faintly. Nowt wrong with being pregnant at 35+. It’s not optimal is what I meant, and 33 definitely isn’t young.

SaracensMavericks · 28/10/2023 23:03

OP, if I was your age and had been with my partner for several years I would be needing a firm answer about when he'll be ready. And if he can't give one I'd be moving on.

PestilencialCrisis · 28/10/2023 23:04

What do you want more? Kids or him? If he doesn't want them, then you can't have both. Good luck with your decision, whatever that may be 🍀

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 28/10/2023 23:05

It's not just age that can stop you having a child. You could get early menopause for example, I'm 43 and have been in peri menopause since 38.
My cousin developed breast cancer at 35. She fully recovered but the treatment put her straight into menopause at 36. She is so thankful she had 2DC.

Careful on falling into the trap of him 'kindly giving you' a baby... the friends who I have who did this sadly paid at a later stage. 'I gave you a baby, now you need to do x'

MeinKraft · 28/10/2023 23:09

FaintlyInglorious · 28/10/2023 22:19

33 is very young IMO. At that age I moved to London to work in TV. We moved back to my home city when I was 36 and and I had our first of two DCs at age 39.

Our decisions were all finance driven. I don't know your circumstances, but I wouldn't worry too much - you're partner probably just wants to be a bit better established first.

If you don't keep mentioning it and just focus on other things, he'll probably decide himself quite soon that he wants children.

It's not though, is it? Most people want to finish having babies by 35, not starting to have them at 39.

MeinKraft · 28/10/2023 23:10

TheSweetEndOfTheLollipop · 28/10/2023 23:05

It's not just age that can stop you having a child. You could get early menopause for example, I'm 43 and have been in peri menopause since 38.
My cousin developed breast cancer at 35. She fully recovered but the treatment put her straight into menopause at 36. She is so thankful she had 2DC.

Careful on falling into the trap of him 'kindly giving you' a baby... the friends who I have who did this sadly paid at a later stage. 'I gave you a baby, now you need to do x'

Yeah 'you're the one who wanted a baby so you can do all the nappy changes/baths/night feeds/parenting'

Gingercreams · 28/10/2023 23:11

Frankly, I wouldn't give him another six months. He knows you really want a baby and yet he is stringing you along. I mean when might he want a baby? Could it be 10 years time? You have a right to some straight answers from him.

Also don't be future faked with a long engagement in that he buys a ring but you never progress because he doesn't want to set the date to get married either. You have already given him a few years and you have a clock. I had my first at 34 but I was married and we had a plan. I had my second at 37. With the benefit of hindsight we both think a few years earlier would have been better.

In no way would I think being pregnant at 39 was ideal. The risk of health issues rises for both you and the baby and just plain tiredness. I have told my son that if a woman is not "the one" he shouldn't string her along or waste years of her fertility because she's convenient. This happened to one of my friends and she bitterly regrets not having children.

surreygirl1987 · 28/10/2023 23:11

33 is very young IMO.

Eh? 33 is 'very young' to have a baby?!

Milkand2sugarsplease · 28/10/2023 23:15

It's time for a make or break chat really - complete honesty from both of you about where you see your future together. You both need to be brutally honest about your ideals and see if they do, or can, marry up.

Itsamumone · 28/10/2023 23:15

No help really but I had the exact thing you describe. I didn’t want kids or definitely didn’t want them while I was youngish but it was like a bomb went off in my head a few years ago and I couldn’t stop it, I needed a baby and I needed one NOW. I’d be watching videos on YouTube of prams and silly things just imagining it. Fortunately my husband was on board and we now have two kids. I’m ridiculously lucky and in my case it’s not bad at all. I think I wasn’t going to have any in case my life was ruined and I didn’t ever get any sleep but both of mine have slept all night from early on. Yes during the day is quite full on at times but it’s a ‘job’ I love to do so really doesn’t bother me 😊

I hope you can either find some way to fill the hole you have at the moment (maybe a pet?) or he changes his mind soon!

Missymooo322133 · 28/10/2023 23:21

I'm 33 too and I'm pregnant with my first. Due in December. I never wanted kids until 6 months before getting pregnant. Like you, something in me just really wanted a family, its like the maternal clock ramped up. I've had plenty of freedom and now just feels right. My partner and I have been together 5 years and he was over the moon as he's wanted them from the start. If you feel like this, you need to go for it. Have a serious talk with your partner, find out if its just a bit daunting for him or if it's an absolute no go on his part. Then you can take it from there. Good luck xx

Gingercreams · 28/10/2023 23:23

When I'd had a largely troublefree pregnancy and baby at 34, I said I'd wait a three years to try for a second. The obstetrician turned round and started talking about infertility and how it rises very closely tracking age. He basically told me that my plan was risky if I really wanted a second. I compromised with two years and it took longer to get pregnant at 36 than it had at 33. I got my second and I feel grateful that I had time to have him. That's the other thing for OP to think about if she wants more than one.

rainbowsparkle28 · 28/10/2023 23:26

I think you need to sit down and have a cards on the table completely frank conversation explaining how you feel and be clear that you are not here to be messed around when you know wanting kids is a non-negotiable for you, and within the pretty soonish future (if indeed that is the case), and you are concerned your chance for this is being jeopardised.

Mydogmybestfriend · 29/10/2023 00:06

You have up to 39 before you may have a complicated birth. Your partner is wasting your time. How old is he?

VeryGoodVeryNice · 29/10/2023 01:01

Don’t want to alarm you but yes you do really need to crack on. I had both my DC in my twenties with no problems, but 4 MC in my thirties/early forties and now at 42 appear to have gone through menopause. You MIGHT be alright and have loads of time, but you just don’t know and it’s hell of a gamble if you definitely do want kids. You need to stop being a passenger and proactively make it happen, I would start by having a very upfront conversation with your partner making it crystal clear that it’s now or never. Totally his choice if he goes for never but he needs to decide and decide now.

Siameasy · 29/10/2023 01:30

I would have the conversation immediately and get an answer. If it’s no then move on quickly. Don’t hang around