Page 2 | Or is he? He says I'm mental

AtACrossroads89 · 2023-10-28T11:06:05+00:00

Ok, so I live in a big city where I never see people vaping in bars. My bf lives 3 hours away in another UK town where vaping in pubs is not banned. I have bad lungs and smoke and vaping clouds irritate my lungs. When I'm in a pub in his town and see someone vaping I either move to another part of the pub or if that's not possible, I leave. My bf says I'm being totally unreasonable, that I ruin every night out we go on, and my obsession with vaping is "mental". We've been together a year and just before I met him I went through 6 months of ill health with my lungs. I have been much better since then. Am I being unreasonable? Thanks for reading.

TomatoSandwiches · 28/10/2023 12:41

He's told you who he is now and he doesn't care about our health at all, his entertainment comes out way ahead of you.
I'd not bother with him anymore.

Lougle · 28/10/2023 12:42

It doesn't matter if you are being reasonable (you are) or unreasonable (you're not). You've made it clear that you are uncomfortable and if he cared for you, he wouldn't go where you're uncomfortable. DD2 doesn't like mannequins. If we see mannequins in a venue, we don't go in. Regardless of whether you are reasonable, he's telling you by his behaviour that you're not compatible. Be glad you found out through vape smoke and not something that's even more upsetting for you.

AgnesX · 28/10/2023 12:44

Filthy habit. Dump him as he doesn't have much regard for your health. Not being able to breath easily is horrible.

IncompleteSenten · 28/10/2023 12:59

Well, if they showed their true self from day one you'd not go on a second date would you?

Original poster

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:23

@IncompleteSenten No, I guess not. But he was in long relationships before me, one of them being a 20-odd year marriage, and I think maybe it's me.

We had a huge row about the vaping issue and he said that I was being "really nasty" about it and in the pub I would give vapers "dirty looks" to the point where he was embarrassed. I never realised I was giving anyone dirty looks and shall henceforth try my utmost not to give indoor vapers dirty looks.

But hopefully I won't be encountering them again.

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AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2023 13:30

But he was in long relationships before me, one of them being a 20-odd year marriage, and I think maybe it's me.
No, it's not you. He's putting his feelings and consideration of others before your actual health. If you are ever seriously ill and needing care he would bugger off with his mates and you would go without food. As for the 20yr marriage, I wonder if it lasted that long because he ground her down mentally rather than because he was a decent guy.

Don't message him, let the contact die out.

Chickenkeev · 28/10/2023 13:32

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:23

@IncompleteSenten No, I guess not. But he was in long relationships before me, one of them being a 20-odd year marriage, and I think maybe it's me.

We had a huge row about the vaping issue and he said that I was being "really nasty" about it and in the pub I would give vapers "dirty looks" to the point where he was embarrassed. I never realised I was giving anyone dirty looks and shall henceforth try my utmost not to give indoor vapers dirty looks.

But hopefully I won't be encountering them again.

The vaping issue sucks for you :( but long term, if he's this pissy about random vapers, what'll he be like down the road? When you have kids? He doesn't respect your boundaries (which are in no way unreasonable btw). LTB. Sorry. But count yourself lucky you've not married him.

Original poster

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:36

AutumnFroglets · 28/10/2023 13:30

But he was in long relationships before me, one of them being a 20-odd year marriage, and I think maybe it's me.
No, it's not you. He's putting his feelings and consideration of others before your actual health. If you are ever seriously ill and needing care he would bugger off with his mates and you would go without food. As for the 20yr marriage, I wonder if it lasted that long because he ground her down mentally rather than because he was a decent guy.

Don't message him, let the contact die out.

Thanks Autumn, your message gives me strength.💐

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Original poster

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:38

@Chickenkeev kids won't be an option for us, thankfully. I'm late 50s and he's 60.

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LeavesOnTrees · 28/10/2023 13:40

You don't have an obsession you have a real medical problem where you need to avoid vaping. If you were allergic to peanuts would he get pissed off if you didn't have any in the house ?
At least he's shown you what he's really like before you get even more entangled with him.

AlisonDonut · 28/10/2023 13:41

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 12:15

Because I wanted to go to another part of the pub that he didn't like. He wanted to be in the main area.
A couple of weeks before that we'd been in a very small bar where even the bar owners were vaping and I told him I wanted to leave. He left but told me later he had wanted to stay there.

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Leave him there and spend time finding someone who gets you.

Original poster

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:42

@Chickenkeev - sorry, pressed Send too soon. I don't have kids but he has adult children from his marriage. He was widowed. The adult children have been polite towards me but cool. I had the feeling they didn't particularly like me but then I understand it would be a bit difficult for them not having a mother.

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RampantIvy · 28/10/2023 13:42

We had a huge row about the vaping issue and he said that I was being "really nasty" about it and in the pub I would give vapers "dirty looks" to the point where he was embarrassed. I never realised I was giving anyone dirty looks and shall henceforth try my utmost not to give indoor vapers dirty looks.

No, you aren't being nasty. He is being nasty to you.

Dump him. He is horrible, selfish and thoughtless, and doesn't care about you.

WyrdyGrob · 28/10/2023 13:44

Strongly agree with everyone else. Not a keeper.

i have asthma. Vaping sets me off worse than smoking tbh. Took me embarrassingly long to make the connection. I only twigged when I went into a vape shop to buy a cheap phone charger.

Mongrelsrbeautiful · 28/10/2023 13:45

He's 60! If he's not thoughtful by now, and not sensible enough not to want to be around vapes, he never will be. A 20 year marriage means nothing - women feel trapped and put up with hell. I wouldn't contact him, and if he does ring, I'd tell him he's mental if he thinks you are still interested.

Chickenkeev · 28/10/2023 13:46

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:38

@Chickenkeev kids won't be an option for us, thankfully. I'm late 50s and he's 60.

Ok, sorry for missing that. Either way, don't waste your time with someone who isn't worthy of it. My mum met her now H in her 50s. She had been single for a long time. He treats her like a queen. They have a few holidays a year. They're besotted (it's gross 😆) Get that. That is the only thing worth having imo.

Bobbotgegrinch · 28/10/2023 13:47

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 12:22

He was fantastic when I first met him. It kind of feels like we're at the end. He hasn't called in a couple of days and neither have I. I was talking about it with my friend and she said "don't do anything rash just yet, because he was so good at the beginning."

He was, but it seems his attitude has changed.

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I never get this line of thinking. If you had a time machine -great! But you don't, and your not in a relationship with him then, you're in a relationship with the version of him that calls you mental. That's the version that you have to make a decision about.

Original poster

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:47

Thanks for saying that @RampantIvy - I needed to hear it. We've had previous issues where I've wondered if he cares for me and I think this clears things up for me.

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SamAndEIIa · 28/10/2023 13:48

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 12:13

I thought it was too, I'm in England, where I never see it. But apparently it's not illegal, it's down to the establishment whether or not they choose to ban it. Most where I live do ban it.

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I’m in Scotland and it’s illegal here.

Original poster

AtACrossroads89 · 28/10/2023 13:49

WyrdyGrob · 28/10/2023 13:44

Strongly agree with everyone else. Not a keeper.

i have asthma. Vaping sets me off worse than smoking tbh. Took me embarrassingly long to make the connection. I only twigged when I went into a vape shop to buy a cheap phone charger.

Thanks for this - it's such a relief to know that I'm not imagining this problem with vaping and my lungs, as he has suggested.

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verdantverdure · 28/10/2023 13:49

Air pollution from vaping irritates your lungs and he thinks caring about that is "mental"?

He's a prick who appears to lack empathy or understanding or both.

Bearpawk · 28/10/2023 13:49

He sounds like a dick.
What are 'bad lungs' do you have a medical diagnosis that you've informed him of ?

Tandora · 28/10/2023 13:50

What the NHS says about e-signs:

”How safe is e-cig vapour?

Smoking e-cigarettes, also known as vaping, doesn't produce tobacco smoke so the risks of passive smoking with conventional cigarettes don't apply to e-cigs.

Research into this area is ongoing, but it seems that e-cigs release negligible amounts of nicotine into the atmosphere and the limited evidence available suggests that any risk from passive vaping to bystanders is small relative to tobacco cigarettes. But some health professionals have recommended avoiding vaping around pregnant women, babies and children.

verdantverdure · 28/10/2023 13:51

If it's harmless we should just let children do it.

Sell vapes at school at break.

No?

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/10/2023 13:52

Of course, it's not you! He doesn't give a shit about anyone except himself. Instead of thinking oh, he has had lots of relationships why not frame it as there are lots of women around the country who are so glad they will never have to see him again…

But in any case, I wouldn't travel half a mile to see him. I would dump him and be glad. As for your friend, tell her anyone can be nice at the beginning. It's what they're like at the end that matters.