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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like I'm always engaging new 'SIL' in conversation and not getting much back..

57 replies

kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 09:35

Hear me out, this is a weird one.

My BIL has a new girlfriend who seems absolutely lovely. I love my BIL and I'm really happy he's happy and has found a lovely girl.

We've met her a number of times now and she really does seem lovely but I always feel like I'm making a massive effort to get to know her and engage with her and somehow I'm getting a weird vibe back from her that it's not reciprocated.

When she's around I literally have to try to stop myself from starting another conversation because I just don't feel like it's a two way thing.

I don't struggle with social interactions at all usually but find my reaction a bit strange. She's usually very much focused on talking and playing with my two DDs. Which is super cute of course. Or she's focused on talking to BIL. But somehow I feel like she gives me the cold shoulder a bit, it's hard to explain !

I feel like if I didn't start a conversation, we could easily be together for a few hours and not speak a lot to each other. She usually comes to my house, so it just feels strange. I guess only time will tell or maybe she thinks I'm annoying or something. But I'm quite tactful usually and I don't overdo trying to engage her, especially because it feels a bit one way. I read her cues and go with that.

OP posts:
Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 28/10/2023 09:39

Maybe she’s got social anxiety? Or is shy or is just an introvert.

I suffer with social anxiety and I often focus on playing with my kids or my nieces or nephews to help keep me calm and give me something to “focus” on so I can avoid too much social interaction. It’s not personal just find it easier. I’m also a very introverted I’m fine with my DH, kids and very close friends but I find social situations with newer people very overwhelming

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 28/10/2023 09:39

YANBU. Why is she coming round so often? I wouldn’t be cooking for someone who doesn’t even bother to talk to me but talks to others.

bobotothegogo · 28/10/2023 09:40

Is she very young? Kind of reminds me of myself in my early 20s; was more comfortable playing/chatting with children and felt anxious around "grown ups"!

Makethemostofit · 28/10/2023 09:42

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 28/10/2023 09:39

Maybe she’s got social anxiety? Or is shy or is just an introvert.

I suffer with social anxiety and I often focus on playing with my kids or my nieces or nephews to help keep me calm and give me something to “focus” on so I can avoid too much social interaction. It’s not personal just find it easier. I’m also a very introverted I’m fine with my DH, kids and very close friends but I find social situations with newer people very overwhelming

I immediately thought of this.

Maybe your brother is trying to bring her out of her shell OP.

Original poster
kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 09:43

Maybe it's all in my head ? I can't make sense of it. I'm in two minds if it's in my head. I noticed to my H and he has since noticed it too.

Maybe she's anxious indeed. She seems very confident but it can be intimidating when you're new in a family. But when I was new in my H family I made a massive effort to get to know everyone and pretty much ignored my H whenever we went round and just spent time with his parents and siblings, getting to know them.

She's not that young. Early 30s.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 28/10/2023 09:45

I do get your point a bit but you assume it is about you, I would be polite and brief and leave her to it

Original poster
kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 09:46

WandaWonder · 28/10/2023 09:45

I do get your point a bit but you assume it is about you, I would be polite and brief and leave her to it

Yeah it could easily be anxiety. Or just playing it safe. Or maybe it's my own stuff that has made me notice it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2023 09:49

I wouldn't be having her around, personally. I couldn't be bothered with someone who won't even show minimal politeness to me in my own home.

Off she pops somewhere else.

AnnaMagnani · 28/10/2023 09:52

Maybe she just feels differently about family relationships to you?

You think your BIL's GF is a very significant person in your life.

It's also reasonable to feel this is a pretty tenuous relationship that you needn't put much effort in to.

Didimum · 28/10/2023 09:54

I would assume she is socially awkward/can’t think of much to say. As long as everyone is pleasant, I don’t see a huge issue.

Original poster
kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 09:55

Aquamarine1029 · 28/10/2023 09:49

I wouldn't be having her around, personally. I couldn't be bothered with someone who won't even show minimal politeness to me in my own home.

Off she pops somewhere else.

I've made it sound worse than it is I think.

It's just not as fluid as it is with other people and I find myself holding back starting the engagement. Which is unusual in a normal interaction for me as I don't even think about it usually.

However of course she's polite and says hello when she comes in and ' how have you been ? '. But then she's just focused on everyone else, unless I specifically engage with her and she often loses focus to the kids and BIL when we are talking. The kids love her though and they do try to pull our focus when speaking etc. so it could be partly that.

Maybe she's just a bit shy. But we actually have quite a bit in common, but again unless I start a convo about it, there's not much coming back.

I think she's really nice and things will be fine. Maybe it's just some kind of insecurity in me or it's just the circumstances we meet under or something like that.

OP posts:
Delphigirl · 28/10/2023 09:55

Maybe she just doesn’t have very much to say for herself - is a bit boring or not very bright. Could be as simple as that really. The type who, once she has kids of her own, is unable to talk about anything but them. I would t worry about it. Just see her less or manage your expectations downwards of what you might get out of her.

Makethemostofit · 28/10/2023 09:56

kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 09:43

Maybe it's all in my head ? I can't make sense of it. I'm in two minds if it's in my head. I noticed to my H and he has since noticed it too.

Maybe she's anxious indeed. She seems very confident but it can be intimidating when you're new in a family. But when I was new in my H family I made a massive effort to get to know everyone and pretty much ignored my H whenever we went round and just spent time with his parents and siblings, getting to know them.

She's not that young. Early 30s.

You sound really socially confident.

There is also a thing that some (introvert/anxious) people feel uncomfortable answering questions about themselves, because they feel they need to be truthful and don’t like the rejection. If you ask them something innocent like “Have you got any plans for the weekend?” they may panic, thinking ‘ah no, I am probably going to sit around gaming, I never plan anything, they’re going to judge me for not making plans’. Because that question stresses them out, they don’t ask you.

The only real solution is to try to find out about their interests, which is hard work, especially if you aren’t interested in it, and they’ll sense you faking it. The other thing is to talk about your own anxieties and screw ups to put them at ease, and they would open up about their own. But you might not feel comfortable talking about that stuff in front of your brother though.

Original poster
kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 09:57

AnnaMagnani · 28/10/2023 09:52

Maybe she just feels differently about family relationships to you?

You think your BIL's GF is a very significant person in your life.

It's also reasonable to feel this is a pretty tenuous relationship that you needn't put much effort in to.

No I don't think it's that. We have similar family expectations due to similar backgrounds. She talks about her family a lot and how close they are and she also knows how close BIL is with his family.

These are definitely important relationships to all parties involved, including her.

OP posts:
saraclara · 28/10/2023 10:00

This is so sad. You could easily be talking about someone I love dearly. She is such a good person, but finds it very difficult to initiate conversation. She can respond to other people initiating it, but just find it hugely difficult to come up with conversation starters. Hence she's another person who'll keep herself busy with helping out in the kitchen or playing with children. She needs a role to help her manage social situations. She's not being rude. She's really trying her best.

So it really bothers me that at least one pp is telling OP to cut off her SIL for this.

Original poster
kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 10:04

You sound really socially confident.

There is also a thing that some (introvert/anxious) people feel uncomfortable answering questions about themselves, because they feel they need to be truthful and don’t like the rejection. If you ask them something innocent like “Have you got any plans for the weekend?” they may panic, thinking ‘ah no, I am probably going to sit around gaming, I never plan anything, they’re going to judge me for not making plans’. Because that question stresses them out, they don’t ask you.

The only real solution is to try to find out about their interests, which is hard work, especially if you aren’t interested in it, and they’ll sense you faking it. The other thing is to talk about your own anxieties and screw ups to put them at ease, and they would open up about their own. But you might not feel comfortable talking about that stuff in front of your brother though.

You know it's so funny you mention the weekend question, I hate the weekend question myself. I don't like to have too many plans ( even pre kids ) and always hated it when people asked in the office. I used to make stuff up sometimes or embellish it a bit because saying that I'll probably watch Netflix all weekend and get a take away just doesn't sound good to most people. And yes it's also not something I love to ask others, but I do ask sometimes just for something to say.

To your second point I have already made fun of myself in front of her in a lighthearted way a few times and let some vulnerabilities shine through to make her feel more at ease and able to open up. I am quite down to earth and approachable. At least that's how I think I am, maybe I'm totally wrong and I come across like a complete dick. More likely !

I'm sure we we get to know each other more, we will get to understand what we are like and a friendship might grow or not. Whichever is the case, it will be fine.

OP posts:
Makethemostofit · 28/10/2023 10:05

The other this is that your brother could have set you up in some way, which makes you come across as more of a cartoon than a real person, so she isn’t empathising with your need for social reciprocation. ‘My sister’s so amazing, she is so clever, never gets anything wrong!’ totally intimidating, or ‘My sister always acts like she should get the best of everything - she’s such a spoiled brat’, a caricature of a manipulator.

Original poster
kitchensinksers · 28/10/2023 10:06

saraclara · 28/10/2023 10:00

This is so sad. You could easily be talking about someone I love dearly. She is such a good person, but finds it very difficult to initiate conversation. She can respond to other people initiating it, but just find it hugely difficult to come up with conversation starters. Hence she's another person who'll keep herself busy with helping out in the kitchen or playing with children. She needs a role to help her manage social situations. She's not being rude. She's really trying her best.

So it really bothers me that at least one pp is telling OP to cut off her SIL for this.

Don't worry I am not coming at this question from a nasty point of view at all. I won't be ' cutting her off ' or being mean to her.

I'm just trying to understand it from different points of view.

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 28/10/2023 10:06

Have you seen what she's like around any other women?

crumblingschools · 28/10/2023 10:08

How often do you see her? What is she like with other family members?

AnnaMagnani · 28/10/2023 10:09

Am not sure exactly what she is doing wrong as when I met my ILs, I showed an interest in their kids, had a go at conversation, but was pretty nervous so probably did spend most of my time talking to my DH to be.

Also at 6 months in to the relationship, DH was pretty much all I was interested in, so yes, I would have gone back to talking to him as I was in lurrrve.

Fifteenth · 28/10/2023 10:12

I also hate conversation.

NeedToChangeName · 28/10/2023 10:14

My BIL is kind, thoughtful and caring. But not chatty in social situations. I used to think it was a bit rude. Now, I think he probably finds these occasions quite difficult, so I'm just glad he makes the effort to come at all

saraclara · 28/10/2023 10:14

I'm glad you're more reasonable than some!

The person IL I'm talking about also finds it really difficult to ask people anything about themselves. As she's quite a private person, she says she can't get past thinking that askng someone about themselves is nosy. I've tried to explain that actually people would like her to show interest in them, but she just can't get over that barrier.

WeightoftheWorld · 28/10/2023 10:18

This is me! I'm autistic and struggle with anxiety. It takes me a long time to warm up to/get to know people such that I feel 'at home' with them. I am absolutely rubbish at small talk and my mind literally goes blank. I am always grateful for people who keep the conversation going and ask lots of questions that I can just respond to!