To feel like I'm always engaging new 'SIL' in conversation and not getting much back..

[kitchensinksers]

Hear me out, this is a weird one.

My BIL has a new girlfriend who seems absolutely lovely. I love my BIL and I'm really happy he's happy and has found a lovely girl.

We've met her a number of times now and she really does seem lovely but I always feel like I'm making a massive effort to get to know her and engage with her and somehow I'm getting a weird vibe back from her that it's not reciprocated.

When she's around I literally have to try to stop myself from starting another conversation because I just don't feel like it's a two way thing.

I don't struggle with social interactions at all usually but find my reaction a bit strange. She's usually very much focused on talking and playing with my two DDs. Which is super cute of course. Or she's focused on talking to BIL. But somehow I feel like she gives me the cold shoulder a bit, it's hard to explain !

I feel like if I didn't start a conversation, we could easily be together for a few hours and not speak a lot to each other. She usually comes to my house, so it just feels strange. I guess only time will tell or maybe she thinks I'm annoying or something. But I'm quite tactful usually and I don't overdo trying to engage her, especially because it feels a bit one way. I read her cues and go with that.

Some people are crap at chit-chat. My in-laws are due here in a minute and they do not speak a word unless we ask them a question. I have been asking the same questions for 15 years ‘journey down ok?’ How’s the cat? Got much on this week? It’s painful, but it’s just how they are.

Similarly I think I’m fairly chatty but there are a few Mums at school I struggle with. Sometimes I can not think of one thing to say to them. Sometimes I just find myself grinning inanely, while I think of something to say.

She wouldn’t come round if she didn’t like you, but it could be anything, she could be shy, crap at chit-chat, intimidated.

Thanks everyone. Yes it's probably that she doesn't like too much chit chat and is shy and also probably trying to feel us out before putting too much of herself out there.

I could chit chat for England. I have to stop myself in fact and hold myself back, to not be over bearing. I also over share sometimes which is something I also try to hold back on. Everyone is different socially. Like I said, she seems lovely and my feelings are probably about my own hang ups.

This all reminds me of ex DH’s family. My family is smaller and much quieter than his. I used to find it incredibly difficult visiting as their way of making me feel comfortable was constantly talking and asking questions, which I found exhausting. When I tried to get time to myself it was frowned upon - going out by myself was “strange”, reading my book was “rude,” and I ended up focusing on my children to try and avoid constant barrage. I felt I was constantly being judged for not behaving like them. He was also coercive and when we ended up in cited in court he included in his statement that I was an introvert and saw this as a reason for justifying his abusive behaviour!

That was an extreme case but it sounds to me like you have different personalities, she is being perfectly pleasant and polite but not behaving like you would and you are judging her for it. You say you are picking up her cues, perhaps she is doing the same, feeling judged and withdrawing…

That was an extreme case but it sounds to me like you have different personalities, she is being perfectly pleasant and polite but not behaving like you would and you are judging her for it. You say you are picking up her cues, perhaps she is doing the same, feeling judged and withdrawing…

Honestly I've been nothing but nice to her and trying to make her feel welcome.

I've been picking up on her cues to make her feel more welcome and have gone with her flow, by purposefully not bombarding her with lots of questions. I don't think I have judged her. I don't think it's fair what you've said.

I agree you aren’t being unkind. You are making the effort.

Another thing is the difference between men’s and women’s conversation styles, some women prefer what is more common to men and vice versa.

Its stereotyping, but men will usually speak about less personal stuff - tech, politics, sport, money, opportunities, music, gently mocking one-another and cracking jokes - and they socialise around an activity- eg they meet to play five a side and go to the pub afterwards to talk about football.

Stereotyping again, but women tend to be much more open and intimate in their conversations, discussing personal things like health issues, personal grooming, trouble with the kids, and their relationship foibles and also be more gossipy, potentially creating drama.

Lots of people see a woman with a more ‘masculine’ social style as aloof, and see a man with a ‘feminine’ social style as over-familiar and intrusive.

I suppose, what I am saying here, is that if it were three men at your home, not a man and two women (plus kids) there would be a bit of inconsequential impersonal conversation about politics and then some sort of activity, like “Shall we get out the PlayStation?” or “Do you want to have a look at this vintage organ I am dismantling that I told you about?”, etc, etc. There wouldn’t be an expectation to sustain conversation for the duration of time everyone spent together. Some women find that much more comfortable too.

Its just another thought.

My SIL was like this the whole time I was married to her brother. She most definitely didn't have social anxiety or autism - she just had no manners. In time I realised that it was because her/their parents were the same - absolutely zero interest in other people. Some folk are like that.

Maybe your brother has built you up to be really important to him (which you are) and that has made her nervous ?

It's not my brother, it's my brother in law.

My exes SIL was like this and in the end I realised she was just rude. We could be alone in a room together and unless I spoke to her she wouldn't say a thing.

Maybe she’s shy or socially awkward. Give it time.

I think all you can do is be polite when you do see her and don't expect much. It could be thashe just needs to warm up to you and come out of her shell bit you do get people that at least come across as not having much in the way of a personality.

When my DB had a new serious girlfriend she tried really hard to connect with me, become instant sisters if you like. I found it too full on and intrusive and backed away. I would have preferred the getting to know you to happen at a slower, more natural (to me) pace.

I feel a bit guilty that I didn’t reciprocate all her efforts but it was too intense for me.

I also have social anxiety and am rubbish with people I’m not especially close to (most comfortable with total strangers or lifelong friends)

Interesting one. I'm the gf in this one. Newish boyfriend. He suffers from social anxiety. I'm a tiny bit introverted but not much. The only thing I struggle with is larger groups where I don't know anyone.

I've so far been invited to two gatherings of all the family. So I've been confronted with 10 strangers. I find it overwhelming but do my best. I told him this when the question of Christmas came up that I didn't want to spent it with so many strangers and I'd do it my way and I was entirely happy for him to spend it as normal with family.

He was a bit 😐 but took my point as he is very socially anxious.

Here's the thing his family are nice. Bit I'm not interested in getting to know his SIL or his sister and all their kids. I'm just not. Not that I don't like them. They're nice.

Honestly back off.

Oh dear. Sorry you're having such trouble.

The situations are not comparable in the slightest.

We have met new GF around 10 times now. We see each other every couple of weeks. Never in large groups. This is the relationship we have with BIL and I guess he wants that to continue, even with his new GF. I don't invite them round, they come on their own accord. I'm not sure how I need to ' back off '.

You don't sound very nice tbh.

I think part of being in an adult relationship is that you at least make an effort with their friends and family. Obviously sometimes it's wasted effort but if you can't even be bothered to try then you're probably better off just sticking to more casual relationships.

maybe she just isn't that fussed about being best mates?

I visit my inlaws, i am polite and ask a few questions but i am visiting to support my partner seeing them. I tend to more chat to the kids as they are easier.

me and his sister are just different people with not much in common, We like each others FB posts but deep chats are not happening.

(and yes, i think its maybe a woman/woman dynamic - its easier with my sister in laws husband - we can talk about beer or sports or games - nothing remotely deep)

i would expect the brother in law to lead the chat, more than his girlfriend - WE did this at the weekend/plan to go here on holiday.

Nor do you sound very nice. Leave his gf alone. She doesn't want to be friends with you. Nor does she need to be. Leave her alone and back off from making constant conversation that is not wanted.

But she probably IS trying. I know that my loved one tries so hard, and she very much wants to be able to converse better. She's absolutely knackered after a social occasion, because it exhausts her. And she tries to make up for it by being helpful. Yet it still doesn't satisfy some people apparently.

Some of us comments on this thread makes me really sad for her.

@Goodornot I think you need to grow up and actually read what I've written. I have literally written that I take her cues and DONT bombard her with conversation. You're just projective massively.

I feel sorry for your boyfriend and his family. You don't even want to try and you say yourself it's not because you're socially anxious. You just can't be bothered.

I equally feel sorry for your family. You've posted on a website about someone not making conversation with you first. Why does it bother you that much? The gact you've taken my head off and said I'm not nice and you are sorry for my bfs family doesn't exactly cover you in glory. Straight fot the jugular you go.

No I can't be bothered with 6 adults 4 teenagers..one who sits scowling all the time..when my mother is in a hospice dying of cancer right now.

Not everyone needs to be so enmeshed with each other.

Why don't you just ask her why she won't talk to you first. She knows you don't.

@Goodornot you told me to back off for no reason and projected your shit onto my situation and by the way, you're the one who's posted on my thread - so you're no better !

I would diall back your efforts a bit. Not "no effort" but less

I've experienced this in the past but I think it was from people who thought they were above me in a hierarchy that existed in their head. There I was, like a retriever, trying to pave the way to connection, but they had assigned me the status of "not useful" or "beneath me"

You're a right charmer aren't you.

I'm crap at small talk. I want to be good at it, but 40 years in I still haven't really grasped it. I have a stock of generic questions, I try to remember what people have said previously and ask for updates etc. But it just doesn't flow naturally, and this most of my conversations with people have a general sense of awkwardness because I'm sitting there with my brain filled with nothing but "THINK OF SOMETHING TO SAY!!!!!!"

So i sit and play with the dog, or the kids. Kids are easy, you ask a question and they jabber on at you for 15 minutes. Or I sit and listen, and very occasionally interject.

I get away with it I think, because I'm male, and people just think Oh he's the strong and silent type, whereas I think women are expected to be more conversational.

It's actually a benefit in work, because while everyone else is trying to make their opinions known, I'm just sitting there ruminating. But when I do say something, it's taken as important because it must be if I've actually said it.

But it hinders relationships with friends and family, because they see me as a bit standoffish, when I'm really really trying not to be.

The only thing that helps is alcohol. A couple of pints and whatever mental block is in effect lifts, and people actually find my engaging and fun, but of course add another 3 pints and I start talking bollocks so that's not a solution either.

Conversation is a skill, and like most skills I think it's partly something you can teach yourself, and partly something that is innate. I'm a better conversationalist than I was at 20, but I'll never be good at it.

Sounds like me when I first meet new people, just shy and probably thinking too much about what to say and how she'll come across. I used to play with the kids instead too 😂 If she's still fairly new, I'd give her a bit of time!