To feel like I'm always engaging new 'SIL' in conversation and not getting much back..

[kitchensinksers]

Hear me out, this is a weird one.

My BIL has a new girlfriend who seems absolutely lovely. I love my BIL and I'm really happy he's happy and has found a lovely girl.

We've met her a number of times now and she really does seem lovely but I always feel like I'm making a massive effort to get to know her and engage with her and somehow I'm getting a weird vibe back from her that it's not reciprocated.

When she's around I literally have to try to stop myself from starting another conversation because I just don't feel like it's a two way thing.

I don't struggle with social interactions at all usually but find my reaction a bit strange. She's usually very much focused on talking and playing with my two DDs. Which is super cute of course. Or she's focused on talking to BIL. But somehow I feel like she gives me the cold shoulder a bit, it's hard to explain !

I feel like if I didn't start a conversation, we could easily be together for a few hours and not speak a lot to each other. She usually comes to my house, so it just feels strange. I guess only time will tell or maybe she thinks I'm annoying or something. But I'm quite tactful usually and I don't overdo trying to engage her, especially because it feels a bit one way. I read her cues and go with that.

Agree with this. She sounds very gauche.

I’m quite shy and probably come off a bit like new SIL.

If she keeps coming to visit then I’d assume that she does like you/ enjoys coming but just takes a bit of time to warm up.

In the early days i always made a point of taking a back seat when we visited DPs family. My thinking was, it's him they're really interested in hearing from. I also tend to like to get to know people a little before giving too much of myself, and in law relationships can be tricky to get right so I wanted to understand their dynamic a little and how I'd fit. (DP would also happily leave me to do all the social heavy lifting when he can't be bothered to make conversation with his mum/sister, so I try to not to allow that either.)

I think it's the same with a lot of relationships. Sometimes you immediately click with someone and sometimes you don't and sometimes never will. I've recently started work on a volunteer basis. There are a lot of other volunteers I work with at different times. I really like them all but if I was stuck in a room with some of them I'd struggle to have a conversation with them for a number of reasons, some to do with me some to do with them. It's just chemistry I think.

indeed, that is my experience with being with my partner and his parents - wandering off for ages, leaving ME to talk to his mum (or more likely, his mum to chatter at me without pause for 30 mins)

Nope, if he wants to visit his parents, HE should talk to them, not expect me (and my ovaries) to do it for him.

That was my experience too!

After a particularly awful trip round a garden centre, I had to sit DH down and explain that we saw his family for his benefit not mine and in future he would be with his family while I wandered around on my own.

So she's come round again for an entire evening and the same vibe was there again.

I wonder if now the fact that I'm not my very warm, natural self is also impacting the whole situation negatively. It's a tough one.

On one hand you want to be natural and welcoming, on the other hand you don't want to be overbearing and you do end up feeling a sense of rejection too after unequal social interactions.