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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this way about job because of DH

57 replies

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 21:44

Three years ago I got the job of my dreams with a large organisation based in a small city. Massive pay rise and moved with DH and family. DH kept job on WFH basis in old home town but we thought that given the size of my new organisation which employs 1000s of people and has regular roles in his field he’d get a job quite quickly.

Three years on and we’ve honestly lost count of the number of jobs he’s applied for and not got. Some he’s been shortlisted for, some he even got to final interview stage, some they didn’t even bother to tell him he hadn’t been successful, he only realised when he saw the job re advertised. On more than one occasion he’s been rejected by colleagues in my department who know he’s my DH.

He is highly experienced but has no experience in my industry and keeps being told that this is the reason he’s not being successful although his skills are totally transferable - think similar to IT.

Before posters jump on me I KNOW my employers are under no obligation to employ him. But his self esteem is shot to pieces after rejection after rejection and the bottom line is all the pride in my organisation and commitment to developing my career there is just gone. AIBU to feel this? I just can’t get excited about a future with an organisation who have consistently rejected my husband.

He said he is not going to apply for any more jobs there and I don’t blame him. I moved here 3 years ago absolutely bursting with enthusiasm and pride to work in this place and it’s just gone now, I’m thinking I’ll do another couple of years there then look elsewhere.

Again I know they are under no obligation to give him a job but I can’t help feeling this way.

Please no comments about my DH being unemployable or obviously shit, he is the opposite and the fact he’s so good is the only reason his current company allow him to WFH when no one else is allowed. But this has really destroyed his confidence and I really resent them for that.

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 27/10/2023 21:48

Why does he need to work for the same company as you?

ABCXYZ17 · 27/10/2023 21:49

You seem to have your hopes up that he will work in the same place as you yet acknowledge that he doesn’t have the exact skills set, only transferable skills. He will be competing with people who have the exact skills set that is why he isn’t being successful. The company will be employing the people who have the right skills. Why does he need a new job? You don’t mention that part, if he’s working from home in a job where they recognise his skills what’s the problem?

PaminaMozart · 27/10/2023 21:52

Has he not applied for jobs outside your organization?

IgnoranceNotOk · 27/10/2023 21:53

Maybe their policy is to avoid hiring partners of an employee, even if it is a silent rule.

Just get him to look elsewhere or continue WFH.
Go back to the job being YOUR dream job. Let it shape you and enjoy having something that is just yours.

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 21:53

YABU

If I worked with you and knew your husband had applied I wouldn't find that in his favour tbh.
It hardly ever works out hiring spouses within the same company.

thistimelastweek · 27/10/2023 21:55

TeaKitten · 27/10/2023 21:48

Why does he need to work for the same company as you?

I can't say it better than this

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 21:56

Wow. You're being so bonkers I don't know where to start. You are self-sabotaging a great job just because your employer won't hire your husband. Has it not occurred to you that your management team isn't comfortable with hiring the spouse of one of their staff? You even admit your husband doesn't actually have the skills your company is looking for. Why would you keep encouraging your husband to reapply when he had already been turned down, repeatedly?

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Original poster
Francescagull · 27/10/2023 21:58

Without being too outing my organisation is by far the biggest employer in our city and although there are other jobs with smaller organisations they would mean a pay cut.

He can continue to work his current job indefinitely but it just means he’s found it harder to integrate and make friends here and for it to feel like home.

There are lots of couples in my organisation, one who even work on the same small team. So that’s not the issue.

I accept they’re just not willing to give him a chance even though he could definitely adapt his skills very quickly, it just means that I now find it almost impossible to feel invested in the place.

OP posts:
Buttons0522 · 27/10/2023 21:59

In my experience of being a hiring manager in a large organisation, when the same name pops up time and time again it very rarely works in the candidates favour…

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 22:01

Could he be sabotaging his interviews?
Did he actively want to make that move with you?

Overthebow · 27/10/2023 22:02

Buttons0522 · 27/10/2023 21:59

In my experience of being a hiring manager in a large organisation, when the same name pops up time and time again it very rarely works in the candidates favour…

Yes this. It’s a red flag when someone keeps applying for roles after being rejected a couple of times.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 22:03

Can he use a different surname?

Original poster
Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:06

He’s been applying to different departments though so different hiring managers. And on one occasion - the 2nd last job he went for - he was down to final two.

But he has got the message, he’s not going to apply for any more. None of the jobs have said experience in this field is essential, only desirable.

He is definitely not sabotaging the interviews, he prepares really hard for them.

OP posts:
Wheredidyougonow · 27/10/2023 22:08

But you want them to give him a job because of you? Can't you see how wrong that is? If they give him a job and he messes up and they need to fire him, they would lose you too. Maybe they don't want to do that. Yabu expecting they owe you something ??

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 22:09

I can't understand why you would want to work for the same company in the first place.

  • If they have a downturn, you would both be vulnerable to redundancy at the same time.
  • It would be too easy to end up talking shop all the time.
  • There would very likely be a conflict of interest at some point.
  • It's just not healthy to be living in each others pockets like that.
  • Some organisations have a policy of not recruiting family members for these reasons.
Original poster
Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:12

Wheredidyougonow · 27/10/2023 22:08

But you want them to give him a job because of you? Can't you see how wrong that is? If they give him a job and he messes up and they need to fire him, they would lose you too. Maybe they don't want to do that. Yabu expecting they owe you something ??

I have quite clearly stated that I do not expect this. My point is that I find it hard to feel committed or invested after they’ve rejected him countless times.

OP posts:
QWE96 · 27/10/2023 22:14

MintJulia · 27/10/2023 22:09

I can't understand why you would want to work for the same company in the first place.

  • If they have a downturn, you would both be vulnerable to redundancy at the same time.
  • It would be too easy to end up talking shop all the time.
  • There would very likely be a conflict of interest at some point.
  • It's just not healthy to be living in each others pockets like that.
  • Some organisations have a policy of not recruiting family members for these reasons.

Completely agree. Mixing personal and professional lives is a terrible idea for the reasons given here. The company doesn't want to hire your husband and you're allowing your personal feelings towards that to sabotage "the job of your dreams".

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 22:16

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:12

I have quite clearly stated that I do not expect this. My point is that I find it hard to feel committed or invested after they’ve rejected him countless times.

Show quote history

You are taking this personally, and ruining your own career, when it's not personal. Crazy.

TeaKitten · 27/10/2023 22:17

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:12

I have quite clearly stated that I do not expect this. My point is that I find it hard to feel committed or invested after they’ve rejected him countless times.

Show quote history

But this is a you problem, not a company problem. They hired YOU for YOUR dream job. Nothing to do with your husband, he’s clearly not right for them which is fine because he’s not you. You are being unfair to your job and pretty entitled really. You say you don’t expect them to give a job, but also that you feel less committed because they won’t give him one, so clearly you think they should give him a job.

Topee · 27/10/2023 22:17

Has he asked for feedback from the unsuccessful applications? Are there usually high numbers of applicants?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 22:19

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:12

I have quite clearly stated that I do not expect this. My point is that I find it hard to feel committed or invested after they’ve rejected him countless times.

Show quote history

You are taking it all quite personally, it's a bit bizarre.
To be frank I wouldn't have encouraged him past 2 applications, that's quite a clear message.
If you feel so strongly about it then look elsewhere, I'm sure there are many other people that would appreciate your position.

Original poster
Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:19

Topee yes he has and it’s always the same - no experience in this field. No idea how he’s supposed to get it though.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 22:21

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:19

Topee yes he has and it’s always the same - no experience in this field. No idea how he’s supposed to get it though.

Do you just not believe their advice then op?
How many times has he applied for a job within this company?

Original poster
Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:21

Tbh I find it bizarre that anyone wouldn’t take it at least a little personally if their employer had consistently rejected their husband - how can you not feel a bit pissed off about that?

OP posts:
SaltyGod · 27/10/2023 22:22

Let’s flip it the other way, would you feel more enthused about your organisation if they have him the job, above other more qualified or suitable candidates, just because he was married to you?

Imagine if you’d hadn’t got your dream job, because someone’s under qualified DP got it instead.

This is effectively what you are asking them to do, favour him and give him a chance, over someone that they think is better.

You both need to move on. He needs to keep
his current role or apply for something else locally. You have your dream job, don’t throw it away over this.