To feel this way about job because of DH

[Francescagull]

Three years ago I got the job of my dreams with a large organisation based in a small city. Massive pay rise and moved with DH and family. DH kept job on WFH basis in old home town but we thought that given the size of my new organisation which employs 1000s of people and has regular roles in his field he’d get a job quite quickly.

Three years on and we’ve honestly lost count of the number of jobs he’s applied for and not got. Some he’s been shortlisted for, some he even got to final interview stage, some they didn’t even bother to tell him he hadn’t been successful, he only realised when he saw the job re advertised. On more than one occasion he’s been rejected by colleagues in my department who know he’s my DH.

He is highly experienced but has no experience in my industry and keeps being told that this is the reason he’s not being successful although his skills are totally transferable - think similar to IT.

Before posters jump on me I KNOW my employers are under no obligation to employ him. But his self esteem is shot to pieces after rejection after rejection and the bottom line is all the pride in my organisation and commitment to developing my career there is just gone. AIBU to feel this? I just can’t get excited about a future with an organisation who have consistently rejected my husband.

He said he is not going to apply for any more jobs there and I don’t blame him. I moved here 3 years ago absolutely bursting with enthusiasm and pride to work in this place and it’s just gone now, I’m thinking I’ll do another couple of years there then look elsewhere.

Again I know they are under no obligation to give him a job but I can’t help feeling this way.

Please no comments about my DH being unemployable or obviously shit, he is the opposite and the fact he’s so good is the only reason his current company allow him to WFH when no one else is allowed. But this has really destroyed his confidence and I really resent them for that.

Wait...what? I find it bizarre that you feel that way!!! The company obviously do not think that your husband is a good candidate for them (as proven on more than one occasion), but you somehow think that that is a slight on you and your job role?? That's absolutely baffling!

It absolutely is awful to see your loved one repeatedly rejected. But to say that this is because of and/or has some sort of impact in relation to your own role is ridiculous!

I agree.

For the company to employ him, even though he doesn't have relevant experience, he would have to bring something exceptional to the table.

Does he?

I think you're taking this much more personally than I would to be honest op. I'm sure it was awkward for you colleagues to have to reject him because he's your dh but that isn't a reason why they should employ him over other candidates that may tick their criteria more. It's a business at the end of the day and they would be a bad one if they made their hiring personal.

I changed career a while ago, I had lots of transferable skills and experience. I also lost count of the number of applications I put into companies I knew I would do well working for and again it all came down to the difference between transferable skills and people who were already doing the job. It's very hard, it totally knocks your confidence and it does take a lot of resilience to keep trying. But I did eventually get a foot in and my career took off from there. But it wouldn't if I hadn't kept knocking those doors.

Do you think it's possible that you've moved for this great opportunity and you've been hoping that it'll mean the same for your dh, but now it's not been so straightforward for him you've a bit of misplaced responsibility for him doing well and feeling fulfilled? I think that would be understandable for anyone who's spouse moves for them to progress in their career.

I think you need to step back a little from this- your dh will figure out his own place in this and he'll do it on his own terms. I think you need to focus on still trying to make the most of this opportunity. You know your employer isn't doing anything wrong, you know logically it isn't personal, but you are finding it personal because you love your dh and want to see him happy and confident. You know he's hard working etc. It's natural, but it shouldn't be taking away your own joy in your job. You've worked for this, you deserve this. Dh has a job already and he's made a commitment to making a life work in this new location and this is the difficult part of getting started. You have missed this bit because your job was already lined up. Changing field even with a great work ethic and transferable skills is very difficult. That's nothing to do with your company. The only other thing I'd wonder is if you dh needs to consider attempting to go in at a lower level and then moving up when he's got his foot in the door if he's not got direct job experience.

You should stop encouraging him to apply for jobs there until he takes on the feedback they've given him and he gets more experience.

You've likely made it worse for your husband by going on about it

You are being very odd OP. Most people don't want to work for the same company as their husband and a lot of corporations won't encourage this either. Your husband is embarrassing himself by repeatedly applying to the same organisation and personally I would be mortified as well if my husband kept applying to my company and getting rejected.

He needs to apply for jobs elsewhere! A city will have more than one employer that pays well.