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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel this way about job because of DH

57 replies

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 21:44

Three years ago I got the job of my dreams with a large organisation based in a small city. Massive pay rise and moved with DH and family. DH kept job on WFH basis in old home town but we thought that given the size of my new organisation which employs 1000s of people and has regular roles in his field he’d get a job quite quickly.

Three years on and we’ve honestly lost count of the number of jobs he’s applied for and not got. Some he’s been shortlisted for, some he even got to final interview stage, some they didn’t even bother to tell him he hadn’t been successful, he only realised when he saw the job re advertised. On more than one occasion he’s been rejected by colleagues in my department who know he’s my DH.

He is highly experienced but has no experience in my industry and keeps being told that this is the reason he’s not being successful although his skills are totally transferable - think similar to IT.

Before posters jump on me I KNOW my employers are under no obligation to employ him. But his self esteem is shot to pieces after rejection after rejection and the bottom line is all the pride in my organisation and commitment to developing my career there is just gone. AIBU to feel this? I just can’t get excited about a future with an organisation who have consistently rejected my husband.

He said he is not going to apply for any more jobs there and I don’t blame him. I moved here 3 years ago absolutely bursting with enthusiasm and pride to work in this place and it’s just gone now, I’m thinking I’ll do another couple of years there then look elsewhere.

Again I know they are under no obligation to give him a job but I can’t help feeling this way.

Please no comments about my DH being unemployable or obviously shit, he is the opposite and the fact he’s so good is the only reason his current company allow him to WFH when no one else is allowed. But this has really destroyed his confidence and I really resent them for that.

OP posts:
SaltyGod · 27/10/2023 22:24

It’s not personal to you. He just wasn’t the best candidate.

Original poster
Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:24

LOL I swear Mumsnet is frequented by robots sometimes who struggle to comprehend normal emotion! Off to the real world where people do understand loyalties and human relationships. 😀Goodnight.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 22:24

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:21

Tbh I find it bizarre that anyone wouldn’t take it at least a little personally if their employer had consistently rejected their husband - how can you not feel a bit pissed off about that?

Because they don't owe you or him shit.

They have told him he doesn't have the necessary experience, why would you ignore that and keep reapplying?

I'd think he was a bit thick tbh and sorry but I would also be looking for a new job, this situation doesn't reflect well on you either!

Tbry · 27/10/2023 22:26

Many large organisations do not employ partners .I’ve worked places where if you get in a relationship one of you has to leave and my partners current company has made many redundancies over the years after buy outs where one of the spouses is let go. They strongly discourage this and definitely not in the same department. I’ve never applied to work in partners company as I know they would never employ me because of this (IT based).

Scarydinosaurs · 27/10/2023 22:27

I am surprised at the responses - I totally understand and sympathise.

I’ve been in a similar-ish position and it’s awful to see someone you love become so downtrodden after repeated rejections.

Tbry · 27/10/2023 22:28

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:12

I have quite clearly stated that I do not expect this. My point is that I find it hard to feel committed or invested after they’ve rejected him countless times.

Show quote history

This is the reason he should not have applied for any role within your organisation.

WandaWonder · 27/10/2023 22:30

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:21

Tbh I find it bizarre that anyone wouldn’t take it at least a little personally if their employer had consistently rejected their husband - how can you not feel a bit pissed off about that?

Maybe they are sick of him applying when they have said no, you are being utterly ridiculous

SaltyGod · 27/10/2023 22:31

Your loyalty is to your DH, that’s totally fair and normal.

Your work doesn’t have that. They don’t owe him loyalty or a job. They need to hire the best person, not the 2nd best person simply because they were related to someone in the business. I’m in a hiring role and if someone suggested this to me I’d be furious, we hire the best and most suitable person, not the person that is married to someone in another team.

I’m sorry that he’s dejected, it must really sting after all the effort he has made. Surely now you can see that you both need to move on to making yourselves happy in your new city without him working at your organisation.

GodDammitCecil · 27/10/2023 22:33

Predictably, you’re being told in no uncertain terms, that YABU.

But of course you feel this way, as irrational (I don’t think it is!) as that might be.

Of course you both feel disheartened. Why wouldn’t you….?!

And of course the organisation isn’t under any obligation to hire him. That’s clearly not what this is about, and why you’re both down about it.

I would urge you not to self-sabotage, and I think just encourage DH to look elsewhere. I’m sure something will come along. It’s a testament to him that he’s been able to take his current job with him and WFH.

MN is not a good place to come and get feedback on things like this. You will come away feeling much worse about the situation than you did when you posted. Flowers

Crazycrazylady · 27/10/2023 22:38

Honestly I totally understand that he and you and disappointed if he had hoped to get a job with this particular company. That's totally reasonable what's a little odd is that you don't seem to grasp that

  1. If your dh really wants a job in this high paying company, chances are that that others do too Whig's likely means that there is lots of competition for jobs that do open up. Many of these will have the advantage of industry specific experience - surely you don't expect them to give your dh preferential treatment over a more experienced / better candidate because he is your dh?
  2. You are not sitting in on the interviews with him so you don't know how well he does. Plenty of very clever people are appalling at interviews and many large organisations now have a specific style format that won't suit everyone
  3. How does the company treat you? Are you paid fairly and treated well? If the answer is yes but you're still aggrieved than I think both you and your dh should move on before you're eaten up with bitterness.
  4. I find it hard to accept that this is the ONLY company within commutable distance that your dh can get a similar job in. iT jobs tend to be in demand and well paid where ever they are?. I think it's far more likely that you both had this fantasy about him working their too. Sharing driving etc and you're slow to move away from it .

Honestly really I would try and make my peace with this.

Maxoutnowwhat · 27/10/2023 22:50

Sounds really hard for your husband to have had multiple rejections but if the motivation for him to work for your employer is so that he makes friends could he try taking up a hobby instead? There's no guarantee he'd make friends even if he did get a job at your place.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 22:55

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:21

Tbh I find it bizarre that anyone wouldn’t take it at least a little personally if their employer had consistently rejected their husband - how can you not feel a bit pissed off about that?

It isn't personal because, as you say, he has no experience in this field. Why WOULD they hire him? This is business, not picking teams on the playground.

I'm wondering why on earth you would continue to encourage your husband to apply for jobs he has been told he won't get based on his lack of experience. Talk about throwing someone under the bus.

Your reaction to all of this is absolutely ridiculous.

Cumbrianlife · 27/10/2023 22:57

How strange! Either I'm losing the ability to think straight or today has seen some of the strangest OPs ever witnessed on MN and I've been here for a very long time. The entitlement and cheeky fuckery has been unprecedented.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 27/10/2023 22:59

He can continue to work his current job indefinitely but it just means he’s found it harder to integrate and make friends here and for it to feel like home.

Some people actually don't want to be friends with their work colleagues. When I moved to a new area, I joined a local club for a hobby and made friends that way. Can your husband not take up a hobby to aid him being able to make new real life friends?

I do think you're overreacting a bit here though about your feelings toward your employer. Your husband has a job, can WFH, appears to be with a good employer, why does he even need to change jobs? You can integrate into a new place in various ways. I moved to a new area another time (not the time above previously mentioned), and I had just had a baby so was a SAHM and husband worked away, no baby groups in the area at the time (it was years ago before it became trendy), I made friends through volunteering and just getting out in the community. Once my children were a bit older I joined some new hobbies too and made more friends that way. It's perfectly possible to make new friends in a new location without working locally there.

ActDottie · 27/10/2023 22:59

You’re very fixated on him working for the same company as you. Can he not look at other companies too in the new location?

I think maybe his skills aren’t as transferable as you first thought.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/10/2023 23:01

But on the one hand you say you don't expect your organisation to give him a job just because of you but you then go on to say you have lost motivation in your own career because they won't give him a job. Which is it?

You clearly at some level had some expectation when you started working there that they would give him a job.

You really need to work on separating these things. It's understandable that you and your husband are frustrated at his inability to get a job he wants. But there is absolutely no responsibility on the part of your employer to give him a job and if you can't let go of that it's going to sour your own career.

If he can't get a job there you either have to find something else, or make peace with it. But you've got to get past the idea that your happiness is somehow tied up with your husband being employed by this company. It's unhealthy and its holding both of you back.

Velvian · 27/10/2023 23:02

Is he applying for roles that are too senior @Francescagull ? Could he start lower down to get his foot in the door?

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 27/10/2023 23:04

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:24

LOL I swear Mumsnet is frequented by robots sometimes who struggle to comprehend normal emotion! Off to the real world where people do understand loyalties and human relationships. 😀Goodnight.

This is where I lost patience with you. You clearly believe you are right and the company is wrong - so why ask for input here? Were you just hoping for cheerleading?

You keep contradicting yourself. You say you understand the company doesn’t owe your husband a job, yet you’re annoyed and no longer invested with them because they won’t give him one. You say they won’t give him a chance, yet you also say he got down to the final two for one role. What’s that if it’s not giving him a chance?

You're acting like you’ve introduced a new partner to family and friends and they’ve all said they hate him. Why are you making it so personal? They’re your employers, nothing more. Go to work, do your job and stop expecting them to bankroll your wider family.

ActDottie · 27/10/2023 23:06

Francescagull · 27/10/2023 22:24

LOL I swear Mumsnet is frequented by robots sometimes who struggle to comprehend normal emotion! Off to the real world where people do understand loyalties and human relationships. 😀Goodnight.

Oh the classic “no one agrees with me” comment… classy

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 27/10/2023 23:08

You definitely sound like you expect them to give him a job simply because he is your DH and can't accept that it is because he doesn't have the relevant experience whilst the other people employed probably do.

And in true MN fashion you've decided everyone who disagrees and calls you unreasonable, which is the majority, is trolling and you've flounced off

AuroraForever · 27/10/2023 23:14

You resent the company because you say they’ve destroyed his confidence. I’m sorry OP but you’re the one who’s done that. They’re not employing him because he doesn’t have the skills or the experience to do the job so why on earth have you encouraged him to apply time and time and time again? You say now you’re going to move on and find a job somewhere else so unless you stop this nonsense you’re just going to start the whole ‘employ my husband too’ thing all over again someplace else and probably utterly break the man in the process. Stop now.

XelaM · 27/10/2023 23:17

Wow, I work for a very large international organisation and I find your posts completely bonkers. Why do you need to work in the same company when your husband keeps being repeatedly told he doesn't have to enough/any experience working in this field?

XelaM · 27/10/2023 23:19

AuroraForever · 27/10/2023 23:14

You resent the company because you say they’ve destroyed his confidence. I’m sorry OP but you’re the one who’s done that. They’re not employing him because he doesn’t have the skills or the experience to do the job so why on earth have you encouraged him to apply time and time and time again? You say now you’re going to move on and find a job somewhere else so unless you stop this nonsense you’re just going to start the whole ‘employ my husband too’ thing all over again someplace else and probably utterly break the man in the process. Stop now.

All of this 👏🏼

WordOfTheDay · 28/10/2023 00:02

I've been a been a hiring manager in international organisations. You said "None of the jobs have said experience in this field is essential, only desirable."

We used the same adjectives to in reference to some criteria. If there is another candidate who does have the said "experience in the field", all things being more or less equal, he/she will be ranked above your husband in the recruitment process and your husband will not get the job. End of story.

Processes can be very strict. The ultimate hiring authority will only sign off on the recruitment if the successful candidate is objectively the best candidate against all the recruitment criteria. The recruitment process has to stand up to audit or to a review process in the event that a complaint is lodged that the process was not independent, impartial and demonstrably objective.

WordOfTheDay · 28/10/2023 00:14

I mean even if the interviewing panel think he's great and could learn the job/familiarise himself with the field without the slightest difficulty, it cannot recommend him for the job if another candidate is able to do/learn the job, interviewed well enough and meets the essential recruitment criteria, PLUS the desirable criterion your husband doesn't meet.