Comments from nursery teacher about DD

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My DD will be 4 in January and is at nursery.

At the last parents evening, the teacher said my DD is doing really well and has lots of friends etc. but that she doesn't always know how to play with other children and that the teachers are showing it to her and she's getting better at how to approach children and how to play with them.

In general anything negative she mentioned about DD, the teacher explained how they'd showed her how to do it the way they want her to do it and how she's learning and adapting really well. I think that's all very promising.

I was just surprised about the comment about her not really knowing how to approach others and play with them because I think she does that quite well and I should have asked for a bit more detail. I'm not overly concerned but my DD is literally the life and soul of the party and not shy at all. When we go anywhere she immediately makes friends with other children and that's actually a really nice quality in her. Perhaps she acts differently at nursery or perhaps the teacher meant something different ?

How would you read into the comment ? Is that just a standard comment/ observation they make that's veiled to mean something ?

How do 3-4 year olds make friends / play together ?

School is very different to home. It’s a large group of excited 4 year old. Maybe DD is a bit unsure or a bit uncertain about joining in rather than making friends. Maybe she just needs a bit of a shove to her involved?

I would’ve be overly worried at this stage.

I wouldn't read anything into it tbh. I got told today my 1yo "isn't very good at sharing". No shit. He's 1. I don't really think anything more than how settled dc are at a childcare setting is necessary at this age, unless there are real and genuine concerns that need to be raised.

Yes could be that she's completely different when we are not around. But I would say even in large groups of kids at a local small soft play we go to, she's kind of the ring leader and the party maker if that makes sense. It's really fun to watch. It's my DD's best quality and the thing that stands out about her, hence why is as surprised.

She's not particularly obedient or highly advanced in any areas, but she's really really lively and friendly. Perhaps not at nursery or perhaps the teacher meant that she struggles to play games with her peers that involve rules etc. I can see how she might struggle there, as she's lively and impulsive and likes to get her own way a lot..

It's absolutely ridiculous that they say that about 1 year olds. I've heard a few nurseries say that..

I think maybe it could be mean learning social skills eg letting others initiate what they do and have choices etc. Being confident and "leader" as you say for many children it can bring conflict in peer groups when it is daily play. So they could mean role playing social skills etc.

Best advise be to get clarity from them though.

Could it mean she's over friendly and too boisterous? If you've noticed she has good social skills I wouldn't worry about it.

Sometimes I just think they try and find something to say. If you’re happy with her behaviour then don’t worry about it.

Yeah it could mean that. I really don't know.

I think her social skills are good. There is definitely room for improvement with sharing and taking turns sometimes.

But if she wants to be someone's friend, she's really good at working out what the other person likes and she tries to engage them in that.

I think she's just learning. Key thing is that she's picking up on the way they're showing her do things and is improving.

I just wondered if anyone else had heard something similar about their child.

This option gets my vote!

They're obliged to talk about the 'next steps' in her development. They have to think of something.

She sounds like a lovely girl. I would put it to the back of your mind.

Please don't take this the wrong way but I can remember worrying about every little comment nursery/school said about DS and read something into every bit of feedback.

He's 23 now and a fine young man. We gave him the foundations and the rest he worked out for himself. Just enjoy your DD being this age. You will turn around in what feels like no time at all and your DD will have grown into a wonderful young lady and you will be typing a post just like mine to a mum who is worrying about the exact same thing as you are worrying about now 😊

Maybe she's a bit much? That's what it sounds like from your description of her. I don't think the problem is that she's shy/quiet, but the opposite. She'll find the right balance soon enough.

"She's not particularly obedient or highly advanced in any areas, but she's really really lively and friendly. Perhaps not at nursery or perhaps the teacher meant that she struggles to play games with her peers that involve rules etc. I can see how she might struggle there, as she's lively and impulsive and likes to get her own way a lot...."

This description is possibly what they mean. Are they trying to teach her to play nicely with friends, take turns, follow the rules of the game. Always getting their own way, not following the rules of the game is not really playing nicely. But she will be taught about playing nicely in reception too.

This is what I was thinking.

Sometimes it can be a more gentle way of saying a child is full on with others.

I would take that to mean she's sometimes too forward in her approach with other children and they don't always like it. Or maybe that she's a bit too dominant during play.

I'd say that about a particularly social, confident child who always wants to be the leader.

I hear a lot of "Alex isn't playing with me" when what they mean is "Alex isn't playing the game I want to play!"

What the teacher might mean is that your child is learning how to accept the wants and needs of others, and accept that it won't always be her game!

You've said she likes to get her own way alot, think this may be the issue, maybe they are teaching her to listen to what the other kids want.

She’s 3! Honestly don’t worry about it.
I have learnt to take nursery reports with a pinch of salt. You know your child best

Thanks these are all great suggestions and definitely helping me decode what the teacher said a bit.

She definitely can be full on and she can also get stroppy when things don't go her way. She'll take turns but she'll be in a strop when it's not her turn.

She likes to be first ' me first ' me first !!! She has a little brother as well. I see it at home a lot with him. It's mine! I want to be next to you ! Etc etc

Hopefully we can all support her to just ' get it ' more and how to accept not getting her way all the time.

After thousands of years of teaching, I have heard so many times that parents think they know their child. Well newsflash. They really really really don’t know their children.

Agree

What you’ve said here is exactly what the teacher has said to you. They will want you to support this and model behaviour/social skills etc with her at home alongside nursery. Children needs lots of modelling for skills so it’s not a negative it’s just how they learn.

The key phrase for these situations is to ask, is there anything we can do to support him better from home?
Then you can find out is it informational or something you can work on in your own time.
It also subtly kicks your own mind from defensive to problem solving mode, which is always a good move.

Eyfs teacher here - i would read that as : often children are great at the initial "hi wanna be my friend? Let's do x y z!" But as the days move on they struggle to keep this up, the interactions end up lessening and they begin to need help. This is fine it means she has some strategies to initiate friendships but that she needs help bridging to more meaningful friendships. But I do think you should just ask because thye might have meant something else. It could just be the cohort is very firey or without you there she's a little more nervy.