Page 2 | Comments from nursery teacher about DD

ttamb · 2023-10-27T19:07:00+00:00

My DD will be 4 in January and is at nursery. At the last parents evening, the teacher said my DD is doing really well and has lots of friends etc. but that she doesn't always know how to play with other children and that the teachers are showing it to her and she's getting better at how to approach children and how to play with them. In general anything negative she mentioned about DD, the teacher explained how they'd showed her how to do it the way they want her to do it and how she's learning and adapting really well. I think that's all very promising. I was just surprised about the comment about her not really knowing how to approach others and play with them because I think she does that quite well and I should have asked for a bit more detail. I'm not overly concerned but my DD is literally the life and soul of the party and not shy at all. When we go anywhere she immediately makes friends with other children and that's actually a really nice quality in her. Perhaps she acts differently at nursery or perhaps the teacher meant something different ? How would you read into the comment ? Is that just a standard comment/ observation they make that's veiled to mean something ? How do 3-4 year olds make friends / play together ?

Sugargliderwombat · 27/10/2023 21:16

Oh I'm sorry I thought I had checked for updates - I'm that annoying person that posted an irrelevant reply 🤣 sorry!

Mummy3Plus1 · 27/10/2023 21:20

I may be completely off base but just something to think about.

My daughter was just as you say yours is, made friends everywhere we went, appeared to us to be incredibly confident and we were just in awe at how easy it all was for her. Fast forward 7 years and she has ASD and struggles to hold a friend for more than a couple weeks (they generally find her too much and drift off).

The school could be seeing how she is approaching the children as unusual. As 3 year olds, a child can run up to another and just start to play, the other child will generally just follow suit. Young ASD children (especially girls who immitate) can often have little fear of socialisation unlike other children as they don't comprehend the risks involved (rejection being a big one). They also can't interpret when the other child is not interested in playing. If the school have recognised that your child socially is unconventional they are likely trying to show her how to interpret these social situations and the 'correct' way to approach. ASD girls mask so successfully most people won't notice the signs until they're aging out.

Again, not saying this is your situation but it was mine and I wish someone had told me 7 years ago instead of being 1 year from high school and frantically battling to get everything in place in time.

adomizo · 27/10/2023 21:20

I wouldn't worry too much. Probably just means that she takes over a bit. Sometimes the 'leaders' struggle a bit with taking turns and fitting in and the subtle little rules particularly girls..

1AngelicFruitCake · 27/10/2023 21:27

Just because you enjoy seeing her being ‘boisterous’ and ‘leading’ at parties doesn’t mean that leads to getting on with others at Nursery. Children who like getting their own way need support to learn to compromise and realise it’s not all about them (I mean that in the nicest way). As parents we are programmed to see the best in our children but try and see her how others might. All children have to learn and it’s great Nursery are being proactive.

ChateauMargaux · 27/10/2023 21:30

I would be slightly concerned that she is being required to confirm to gender expectations. I see it a lot.. girls are taught to play nicely, include people they might otherwise not wish to include, be praised for their teacher pleasing behaviours while boys are not.. I might be on the wrong track here.. but I would gently explore this further.

DD was a real teacher pleaser and as a result ended up being the classroom management tool to keep the noisy boys quiet but struggled with friendships with girls, her year 1 teacher suggested that I needed to support her to make more friends with girls and encourage activities that gave her those opportunities. I declined! She loves playing football, had until year 9, lots of friends who were boys, struggled when that changed, struggled to find her female tribe but has finally found a great bunch of girls who she can share her real interests with.

Moulding girls at a young age to be kind, quiet, inclusive is a perpetuation of the stereotyped roles where women are funnelled into lower paid caring professions and men are encouraged to strive for leadership, competition and achievement.

Again - I might be totally on the wrong track here.. but I have read observational studies that draw similar conclusions.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 27/10/2023 21:34

I'd say this is a roundabout way of them saying she is bossy with other children. You say she likes to get her own way so it could be!

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 21:36

You already know her social issues as you've told us. She takes over, me first, doesn't always take turns or share, is boisterous. So too much but you think it is her strength.

unvillage · 27/10/2023 21:39

ChateauMargaux · 27/10/2023 21:30

I would be slightly concerned that she is being required to confirm to gender expectations. I see it a lot.. girls are taught to play nicely, include people they might otherwise not wish to include, be praised for their teacher pleasing behaviours while boys are not.. I might be on the wrong track here.. but I would gently explore this further.

DD was a real teacher pleaser and as a result ended up being the classroom management tool to keep the noisy boys quiet but struggled with friendships with girls, her year 1 teacher suggested that I needed to support her to make more friends with girls and encourage activities that gave her those opportunities. I declined! She loves playing football, had until year 9, lots of friends who were boys, struggled when that changed, struggled to find her female tribe but has finally found a great bunch of girls who she can share her real interests with.

Moulding girls at a young age to be kind, quiet, inclusive is a perpetuation of the stereotyped roles where women are funnelled into lower paid caring professions and men are encouraged to strive for leadership, competition and achievement.

Again - I might be totally on the wrong track here.. but I have read observational studies that draw similar conclusions.

Can I ask where you see this a lot? In my preschool this is something we're very aware of, we don't treat girls and boys differently, all children are held to the same expectations and we are aware of our own prejudices.

I'm sorry that happened to your daughter, it should not have happened.

ChateauMargaux · 27/10/2023 21:51

@unvillage I have seen it at each of the three schools that my daughter has been to. I sit on a number of Women in STEM panels and this is a regular topic of study and discussion among gender balance organisations, in universities and among organisations who seek to support and promote women and girls in STEM. There are many many factors leading to fewer women in positions of money and power.. subconscious affirmation of gender behaviours is one of them.

curaçao · 27/10/2023 21:51

They mean shes too overbearing

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 27/10/2023 21:55

Oh, they've got to say something. They're also keen to show they've helped the children make progress.

I agree the comments about a 4 year old are a bit silly though. Nearly all 4 year olds will make progress socially with very little input!

Original poster

ttamb · 27/10/2023 21:57

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 21:36

You already know her social issues as you've told us. She takes over, me first, doesn't always take turns or share, is boisterous. So too much but you think it is her strength.

I can see my child for who she is, I have demonstrated that here.

I think being outgoing and friendly and carefree can be a strength, yes. It's really good. I hope she never doesn't lose that, as that's her nature.

She needs to learn other things, which I've outlined herein detail. No need to be unkind and say what you said.

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MargaretThursday · 27/10/2023 22:20

Firstly: She's 3yo. They're not brilliantly social at that age, so she'll probably learn, especially if they're modelling it to her.

However this stood out to me:
When we go anywhere she immediately makes friends with other children and that's actually a really nice quality in her

I once went out with a friend and her dd. Her dd was much younger than mine so I hadn't taken mine. I think her dd was about 5yo at the time. We stopped in a park and were sitting talking, and her dd started playing with another girl.
My friend said something very similar to what you said above about her dd. She also said it (several times) to the other mum, and I saw just an odd expression flit across her face.
So I watched for a little while, and what I noticed was friend's dc wasn't really playing with the other little girl. What was actually happening was friend's dc was just giving a list of orders to the other girl, and then ignoring her, even telling her to go away when she didn't want her near. Then when she wanted something else done, she went back and gave more orders. From the distance we were, it looked like they were playing together. Closer, it was clear that the other little girl didn't really want to play, but felt she had to do what she was told.

What I'm saying is that when we see our own dc doing things, we don't necessarily notice from different perspectives. We see our dc, happy and with another child, and assume all is well but actually it isn't as good as we think from the other side.
It's really hard to know with our own children how they can come across to others.

Your dc is 3yo, and learning fast. You can play making friends. What can you say, what not to say how to be a good friend, how to recognise when someone isn't being a good friend and what to do.
She'll almost certainly mature out of it, either by trial and error or by others modelling behaviour. The really positive thing is that school is saying she learns. That's in a lot of ways the most important thing.

Canisaysomething · 27/10/2023 22:25

It sounds like she’s a snatcher. Likes to just get in there and take over. Fine in a controlled environment where you can manage it and you are watching her. Hard work for nursery staff.

Boomboom22 · 27/10/2023 22:27

ttamb · 27/10/2023 21:57

I can see my child for who she is, I have demonstrated that here.

I think being outgoing and friendly and carefree can be a strength, yes. It's really good. I hope she never doesn't lose that, as that's her nature.

She needs to learn other things, which I've outlined herein detail. No need to be unkind and say what you said.

Show quote history

You asked what they meant and I and others have told you. No need to get shitty at me! Your words.

Original poster

ttamb · 27/10/2023 22:28

Canisaysomething · 27/10/2023 22:25

It sounds like she’s a snatcher. Likes to just get in there and take over. Fine in a controlled environment where you can manage it and you are watching her. Hard work for nursery staff.

She has good qualities and bad qualities, just like any other child.

Thankfully they've not given me the impression that she's hard work.

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Original poster

ttamb · 27/10/2023 22:28

@Boomboom22 the end of you reply was shitty. Sorry.

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Original poster

ttamb · 27/10/2023 22:31

MargaretThursday · 27/10/2023 22:20

Firstly: She's 3yo. They're not brilliantly social at that age, so she'll probably learn, especially if they're modelling it to her.

However this stood out to me:
When we go anywhere she immediately makes friends with other children and that's actually a really nice quality in her

I once went out with a friend and her dd. Her dd was much younger than mine so I hadn't taken mine. I think her dd was about 5yo at the time. We stopped in a park and were sitting talking, and her dd started playing with another girl.
My friend said something very similar to what you said above about her dd. She also said it (several times) to the other mum, and I saw just an odd expression flit across her face.
So I watched for a little while, and what I noticed was friend's dc wasn't really playing with the other little girl. What was actually happening was friend's dc was just giving a list of orders to the other girl, and then ignoring her, even telling her to go away when she didn't want her near. Then when she wanted something else done, she went back and gave more orders. From the distance we were, it looked like they were playing together. Closer, it was clear that the other little girl didn't really want to play, but felt she had to do what she was told.

What I'm saying is that when we see our own dc doing things, we don't necessarily notice from different perspectives. We see our dc, happy and with another child, and assume all is well but actually it isn't as good as we think from the other side.
It's really hard to know with our own children how they can come across to others.

Your dc is 3yo, and learning fast. You can play making friends. What can you say, what not to say how to be a good friend, how to recognise when someone isn't being a good friend and what to do.
She'll almost certainly mature out of it, either by trial and error or by others modelling behaviour. The really positive thing is that school is saying she learns. That's in a lot of ways the most important thing.

This doesn't really resonate. That's not how she plays. She mainly likes to play stuff like tag and race around with whoever is up for it. If there are kids who are a bit shy, she tries to involve them. She's learnt to leave it if they don't want to take part.

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Scorpioseasonorsummat · 27/10/2023 22:38

@PunchyJudy Really?! In what way

YoungMacdonaldhadafarm · 27/10/2023 22:51

Based on your description of your DD I would have thought that the teacher perhaps meant that your DD either invades childrens personal space (very easily done by 4 year olds), or she could be bossy. Perhaps being a "ring leader ", maybe she wants to play the games that only she wants and is not willing to give others a chance? Or she could be excluding others from the group? Or not letting children in her group play with other kids? When my DD was in reception there was a girl in her class who was quite domineering. She was the ring leader, and it would be her decision as to who would join their group , and she wouldn't let her best friends play with any of the other kids. She would also say nasty things to other children and make fun of them, all whilst appearing very sociable.

Jk987 · 27/10/2023 22:56

How would you read into the comment ?

Don't read into it, overthinking causes stress. They have to provide feedback and there's nothing bad about what they said.

Original poster

ttamb · 27/10/2023 22:57

YoungMacdonaldhadafarm · 27/10/2023 22:51

Based on your description of your DD I would have thought that the teacher perhaps meant that your DD either invades childrens personal space (very easily done by 4 year olds), or she could be bossy. Perhaps being a "ring leader ", maybe she wants to play the games that only she wants and is not willing to give others a chance? Or she could be excluding others from the group? Or not letting children in her group play with other kids? When my DD was in reception there was a girl in her class who was quite domineering. She was the ring leader, and it would be her decision as to who would join their group , and she wouldn't let her best friends play with any of the other kids. She would also say nasty things to other children and make fun of them, all whilst appearing very sociable.

What happened to this girl ? Sounds pretty bad. Don't you think the teacher would have been a bit more specific if she was actually this bad ?

You're making me very worried.

Is my description of my child really that horrible, that together with the teachers comment she could be this vindictive at not even 4 ?

I think ist more that she is sociable and she also likes to get her own way and therefore kids sometimes don't want to play with her, as she doesn't always want to play by the rules.

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YoungMacdonaldhadafarm · 27/10/2023 22:58

I am not saying your dd is any of the above BTW, but sometimes we fail to see what's right in front of us.

Original poster

ttamb · 27/10/2023 23:00

YoungMacdonaldhadafarm · 27/10/2023 22:58

I am not saying your dd is any of the above BTW, but sometimes we fail to see what's right in front of us.

I don't think I fail to see. If I failed to see I would have only written that the sun shines out of her arse.

I haven't. I've given an accurate account of the good and not so good qualities in her.

I've also said that I like that she is outgoing and sociable and lively. That doesn't mean I can't see the other side of it. But some posts are going a bit far for a child that's not even 4.

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Canisaysomething · 27/10/2023 23:01

OP you are really over thinking all of this. People have made suggestions of what your DD’s teacher MIGHT have meant but really non of us know your child and no one can know for sure. If you are bothered, ask the teacher. If not, move on. I wouldn’t think anything by it.