Comments from nursery teacher about DD

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My DD will be 4 in January and is at nursery.

At the last parents evening, the teacher said my DD is doing really well and has lots of friends etc. but that she doesn't always know how to play with other children and that the teachers are showing it to her and she's getting better at how to approach children and how to play with them.

In general anything negative she mentioned about DD, the teacher explained how they'd showed her how to do it the way they want her to do it and how she's learning and adapting really well. I think that's all very promising.

I was just surprised about the comment about her not really knowing how to approach others and play with them because I think she does that quite well and I should have asked for a bit more detail. I'm not overly concerned but my DD is literally the life and soul of the party and not shy at all. When we go anywhere she immediately makes friends with other children and that's actually a really nice quality in her. Perhaps she acts differently at nursery or perhaps the teacher meant something different ?

How would you read into the comment ? Is that just a standard comment/ observation they make that's veiled to mean something ?

How do 3-4 year olds make friends / play together ?

Yeah you're right. I was only intrigued because I haven't perceived her not being able to connect with children.

There were other comments made during the meeting that resonated with me and I haven't thought about again, because it sounds exactly like my DD. I was just surprised about this one comment.

She sounds really sweet and happy. Try not to worry!

My 3.5 year old DD has a "best friend" at the nursery, prefers girls than boys (this is to be investigated) and she tells me that they play mums/dads/babies most of the time! pretend play generally

I'd say she is more bossy than shy from your comment, and the teachers, if according to you she is usually the leader, maybe they are referring more to not always being in charge, or expecting the other kids to do it her way? Worth getting it clarified, since it's not as if you're complaining, juts asking what they mean.

My DD also has a best friend at nursery and the little girl has also been telling her parents that my DD is her best friend. Strangely enough the teacher didn't mention this girl, but mentioned another one being my DD's friend.

I'm not sure if there's a preference at nursery but at soft play etc, DD sometimes plays a bit more with boys generally speaking.

It's very sweet when they talk about their day and what they've been up to.

Yeah definitely worth asking, it's absolutely not a complaint indeed. I'm just curious.

She's the leader often at her soft play just because she animates kids to play. Sometimes she's not the leader and works out a way to play whatever they're playing.

But quite often she motivates everyone to play catch or tag of chase the dragon or whatever it is..

My DD is exactly the same. Always has been the life & soul of the party, makes friends everywhere she goes etc. However how she goes about it, isn't typical and can sometimes be socially awkward. She was diagnosed with Autism at age 4.

In girls, Autism often presents differently than it does with boys (not always but often). People think Autism always means shy, introverted & reluctant to socialise but in actual fact, many Autistic children are very keen to socialise and often times, too much so! Quite often, this can make parents of undiagnosed Autistic children, think they can't possibly be Autistic.
I frequently have to point out to her that a child in the play centre for example, isn't interested in playing or remind her that a child said no when she asked to play.

Obviously I've no idea if your child is Autistic or otherwise, I'm just responding to the point you made about how she's the life & soul and makes friends everywhere etc.

People are trying to give you ideas of what they meant, there's no point getting defensive about it. From what you say about her it could be that she's domineering, bossy, over the top with other kids. It could be that she gets a little too over excited with games and gets upset when things don't go her way. It could be that there are lots of big characters and they clash sometimes, or it could be that she is much more shy when you're not there. But yes you'll need to ask for clarification to get to the bottom of it.

She's only 3 and has so much to learn. The teachers are addressing whatever it is they need to address which is good. You can always clarify with the teacher what exactly they meant, so that you can both work on this together. I think it would be naive to think your child is the life and soul of a party and everything is fine ,if a teacher has raised concerns.

How you've described your dd isn't horrible, but seems like you are excusing certain behaviours that teachers would not.

I think ist more that she is sociable and she also likes to get her own way and therefore kids sometimes don't want to play with her, as she doesn't always want to play by the rules.

So this ^ to me comes across as your daughter is bring bossy and you've admitted that sometimes children don't like that and don't want to play with her. So clearly, she isn't always the life and soul of the party is she? Well it might be from your and your dd's perspective , but it doesnt sound like it is for some of the other children in this party. But instead of correcting her and telling her that she needs to give others a chance to decide what game to play /share etc , you seem to have given yourself a pat on your back for making her very sociable. I think it's a bit dillusional, sorry. That is not being sociable imo, that's domineering and, if it were my child I'd be correcting her straight away as I wouldn't want this to become a personality trait in primary which could lose her friends.

Luckily , at Y1 my DD was allocated a different class and several parents including myself were quite relieved tbh. Apparently she still does bully (says nasty things) this other girl in her class and also doesn't let the girls in her ring play with this girl and several others. There arent many girls in her ring which is good. Her mum is so very lovely so we are at a loss as to how her daughter could be like this. Quite a few parents whose children are in this girls class are not happy about how shes excluding their children etc, but it's a class of 30 so they make other friends and get on with it.

Ok so being sociable is one thing and I think that's great in my DD. The fact she wants to get her own way and doesn't always play by the rules is another thing and a more negative aspect to her personality which I've highlighted, so how exacting and I applauding that ? I've made it clear she has good qualities ( sociable ) and not so good qualities ( wanting to get her own way ). So I'm really not sure why you're accusing me of condoning bad behaviour when I was the one to point it out.

I think you're miffed because I said something nice about my child tbh. That I like that she's sociable. You probably have an issue with that. As your analysis of my descriptions of my DD just don't make any sense otherwise.

I'm not sure nursery staff have too much idea what's going on so I wouldn't worry about this if you're happy with her behaviour elsewhere. How many children in the group and how many staff? Surely most 3 year olds sometimes struggle with sharing and taking turns.

The suggestion by a pp of asking "how can we support her with this at home" is a good one to find out exactly what they mean without appearing defensive

Nursery staff spend an awful lot of time with children and get to know them very well. They also have the advantage of seeing how children interact with their peers for hours each day. Of course they have an idea what's going on

Sorry if I've offended you OP. I think the best thing for you to do would be to ask the teacher exactly what she meant as none of us on MN have seen your child playing with other children and we can only surmise based on what little information you've given us. I am not miffed at all, why shouldnt you be proud that your little girl is sociable. Thats what us parents do best, be proud of every little achievement of our dc. Being sociable is great, absolutely. But if she's using her socialbility to create a ring and then either exclude children or be bossy the teachers would try to address this. And if indeed my child behaved like this i would try and nip it in the bud as I wouldn't want something like this to affect my child's future friendships and relationships with her peers at school, that's all I am saying.

You see it among adults, the outgoing people might be perceived by many as having good social skills, but actually they don't always make the best friends, because sometimes they don't know how to be kind to other people and not dominate them.

This

I wonder if they could mean it in another way if you say she's always making friends and is the life and soul.

A boy at baby group I used to go to was very confident and over familiar (wrong word as I know kids don't have the same concept of boundaries) he would approach children right into their faces and try and drag them off when they didn't want to play. Would always be in everyone's personal space and would very confidently strut over to tell me my son isn't moving and playing with him.

The nursery may be implying something more like that which fits more with your narrative?

Should have read the full thread before reply.

This is what I took from it also.

That's an idealised view of a nursery...reality is in a preschool there may be 39 children to 3 staff, several children still in nappies, a couple of children with behavioural issues needing close attention to prevent them lashing out at others, and complete chaos much of the time. Non problematic children are hardly noticed. (This is a preschool attached to an outstanding rated primary)

If it's a private nursery with good ratios, a calm atmosphere and small group size then of course staff see exactly what is going on.

But I would say even in large groups of kids at a local small soft play we go to, she's kind of the ring leader and the party maker if that makes sense. It's really fun to watch. It's my DD's best quality and the thing that stands out about her, hence why is as surprised.

So much of your posts rung true with me op. I'd have described my Dd as very sociable, life and soul f the party, always surrounded by friends etc when she was that age. I often used the word "ring leader"

Her nursery teacher said similar to what your Dds said to yours and I was equally surprised and confused. I did ask her to expand and said I would have said the opposite, it was more in an inquisitive than defensive/annoyed way.

What she pointed out was that my Dd very much did her own thing, wandered from toy to toy, area to area as and when she felt like it but it was like the other kids were drawn to her and followed her around. She said it was like the other kids gravitated towards Dd and while she was kind and fun etc she didn't often instigate. She said often the ring leader of the groups just do what they want and are followed around by what are like their groupies 🤣

It was like a revelation to me as after it had been pointed out to me I started watching closer at soft play etc and it was EXACTLY what was happening.

My Dd is now 9, very sociable and popular in her class. Has tons of friends and the teacher described her as a social butterfly at that last parents night. One thing I have noticed is that she still doesn't have what I'd call an actual best friend. She has lots of friends but seems to pick and choose who is "flavour of the month" (or even week 😂) then move on to someone else. Something I've been trying to chat to her about!!