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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL smoking and then holding newborn

56 replies

Ladysukijuno · 27/10/2023 18:56

SIL is living with us temporarily. I am 39 weeks pregnant. SIL smokes and I really don't want her holding my newborn baby after having a fag. First of all, AIBU? And if I'm not, how do I go about telling her?
She is quite a sensitive person, super excited about the baby and a very hands on auntie. We get on well and I don't want to cause any upset.

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 27/10/2023 19:00

My whole family are smokers so we had this issue, unfortunately none of them wanted to be involved after the first one. . I'd just ask her to wash her hands after having a fag. It's not ideal but I would take washed hands smoker but hands on involved auntie then the no support. Your baby will be fine.

Labradoodlie · 27/10/2023 19:01

You have to tell her no.

Ask your MW for info on how dangerous (in addition to disgusting) it is, then just tell her no.

If she’s annoyed, she’s an idiot.

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2023 19:01

This is one of those times you need to offend. Smoke free substantially reduces the risk of cot death. She needs to not smoke in you house at all, or hold the baby after smoking. I'd be making her change clothes too.

Whataretheodds · 27/10/2023 19:02

I wouldn't have a smoker living with me in the first place, certainly not when pregnant.

YANBU to not want her holding the baby after she's had a cigarette. It's a SIDS risk

Lorelaigilmore88 · 27/10/2023 19:02

Just ask her to wash her hands. As long as she doesn't smoke near baby and washes hands it'll be fine.

Mouk · 27/10/2023 19:02

YANBU

I'd instruct her to wash her hands and change her top if she wants to hold the baby after having a cigarette and even then I wouldn't be happy about a smoker being around my baby. I wouldn't care how sensitive she is. The health of the baby trumps her feelings.

I take it she doesn't smoke in the house? I'd hope not.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 19:02

Just tell her from x date your home is a smokeless zone. She can stop smoking or move out.

ItsmeImtheproblem200 · 27/10/2023 19:03

is there a leaflet you can pick up and leave lying around with al the info about smoking then being near a baby?

TomatoSandwiches · 27/10/2023 19:04

Tell her now what she will have to do in order to hold your baby so it's not a surprise, not that she should need telling.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/10/2023 19:05

I would acquire a leaflet and approach her kindly and say, look, I love you and I want you in our baby’s life. But I need you to look at this and then we can put an agreement in place about what to do once baby is here.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 19:05

I certainly hope you don't allow her to smoke inside.

She needs to wash her hands well and change her shirt after smoking. End of discussion. Her little feelings don't trump your baby's health. You have got to learn to be assertive, op.

Densol57 · 27/10/2023 19:05

Its amazing how all these cheeky fuckers we read about on MN are “sensitive”

Smoking is disgusting near a baby. Tell her to wash her filthy hands, change her clothes and do her teeth before she goes anywhere near your tiny vulnerable baby

Original poster
Ladysukijuno · 27/10/2023 19:05

No, definitely not in the house. I've asked her to smoke quite far away from the house actually as I've found the smell comes in near the windows.

OP posts:
Peachpicklepie · 27/10/2023 19:05

This is one of those times you need to risk offending her. I would probably say (after a midwife appointment if it's easier) that it's been mentioned that smoking and contact with second hand smoke really increases the risk of SIDs. You really want her to be involved so can we sit down and have a chat about the best way to keep the baby safe?
Hopefully she can then come up with suggestions of clothes changing and hand washing herself.

Imnotlikethem · 27/10/2023 19:06

As a mum who’s son died due to SIDS no one who smokes would ever come near my baby if I’m lucky enough to have another one . I know that’s probably drastic to some people but it’s just not worth the risk .

chipsandpeas · 27/10/2023 19:06

YABU based on the fact you cant tell her to either move out or not to smoke in/around the house when you will have a new born

Applerumleandcustard · 27/10/2023 19:08

you'll just have to be blunt and tell her she’s not holding the baby ( or smoking anywhere near you , your house and your baby )
I had to do the same to my MIL , not easy , however who is more important your lovely new born or smoker SIL
( I still call her Fag Ash Lil to myself and my precious new born is now 28 )

BeanyBops · 27/10/2023 19:08

This could be a good opportunity for her to try to quit for the babies sake too. Vaping carries 95% less risk than smoking and it's a very effective way to quit. Wouldn't advise vaping in the house around a baby but it would be a huge improvement in risk to her health and any third hand smoke risk to baby.

Chickenkeev · 27/10/2023 19:18

YANBU and really can't see how she could have an issue with it. Speaking as a smoker.

Original poster
Ladysukijuno · 27/10/2023 19:20

Thank you. This is a very good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladysukijuno · 27/10/2023 19:32

@Imnotlikethem I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a very good point.

OP posts:
Birch101 · 27/10/2023 20:36

Can you get in contact with your midwife HV team and ask if they have any information from their smoking cessation colleagues that you can have to explain to your SIL
Here is a quick search on nhs about passive smoking in general for children there is more on the risks to pregnant women too

SIL smoking and then holding newborn
Birch101 · 27/10/2023 20:41

Can you ask her to switch to an e cigarette whilst living with you if she is unwilling / unable to give up cigarettes these are tools used to help people stop smoking and again should still be only smoked outside (this is advice from our smoking cessatation officer)

PercyPigInAWig · 27/10/2023 20:42

You don’t want to cause upset? So would you rather have your newborn smelling of smoke? Babies do smell of whoever has been holding them (my sisters and aunties handed DC1 back reeking of perfume).

You said the smoke smell gets in the house, I would be very clear now that it needs to stop.
If you feel like you must be polite about it go from the angle that a loving auntie surely wouldn’t want to smoke before holding the baby. And yes to changing top as well as hand washing.

Lavender14 · 27/10/2023 20:45

I would be very direct on this. I'd say you understand that she can't control the need to smoke but if she's going to hold baby I'd ask her to wash her hands and change clothes because of the increased risk of sids from second hand smoke babies can breathe from clothing etc. I'd address it with her before baby arrives tbh rather than when baby is here and it's maybe more emotive. The person to have this conversation is your dh though