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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL smoking and then holding newborn

56 replies

Ladysukijuno · 27/10/2023 18:56

SIL is living with us temporarily. I am 39 weeks pregnant. SIL smokes and I really don't want her holding my newborn baby after having a fag. First of all, AIBU? And if I'm not, how do I go about telling her?
She is quite a sensitive person, super excited about the baby and a very hands on auntie. We get on well and I don't want to cause any upset.

OP posts:
knockyknees · 27/10/2023 20:55

I wouldn't have allowed a smoker to even enter my house in the first place, let alone move in. Hell would freeze over before she even touched my baby, let alone held him/her.

I wouldn't give a toss about offending her by telling her she's not having anything to do with ny baby at all. She obviously doesn't give a toss about offending you by stinking out your house (which she will be even though she apparently doesn't smoke inside). Personally, I'd kick her out before the baby arrives (not that she'd have even crossed my doorstep in the first place).

MummytoA · 27/10/2023 21:08

After smoking a person still breathes out fumes for around 30 minutes.
Just firmly state this and ensure she doesn't hold your baby until after this time (and ensure she washes her hands).
I did this with my son as have family members who smoke.
If she doesn't like it, tough! Your newborns lungs are more important.

Zanatdy · 27/10/2023 21:13

I’d have a chat with her. Say you mean absolute no offence whatsoever but research shows smoking massively contributed to SIDS. Ask her if she can wear a smoking coat, keep it elsewhere (outhouse, garage) and wash hands thoroughly before holding baby (ideally change clothes). I was really paranoid about SIDS and was thankful my smoking friends lived miles away.

Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 27/10/2023 21:20

Would she be open to switching to vaping when at home? She could still smoke at work or when out for the day/evening.

at the very least she would have to wash her hands and not hold the baby for 30 mins or so after a fag.

readingmakesmehappy · 27/10/2023 21:21

I would not worry about it offending. Smokers are dangerous to newborns. End of. I wouldn't have her in the house if she continues to smoke after the baby arrives.

Caterpillarsleftfoot · 27/10/2023 21:33

Lorelaigilmore88 · 27/10/2023 19:02

Just ask her to wash her hands. As long as she doesn't smoke near baby and washes hands it'll be fine.

I find it terrifying that people think that's true.

Ponderingwindow · 27/10/2023 21:35

I wouldn’t let her live in the house at all, let alone hold the baby.

houseonthehill · 27/10/2023 21:36

If she’s smoking outside then she poses pretty much zero risk to the baby. Relax.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2023 21:38

Who cares about offending her? Plenty of us have had to deal with this, you just have to be straight forward and tell her you need to keep your baby safe which means no smokers holding him/her unless they’ve washed their hands, changed their clothes and not smoked for x amount of time as the latest guidance advises.

This won’t be the last time you have to put your foot down in the interests of your child. Start now, start strong, remember your priorities.

Ibravedaflood · 27/10/2023 22:05

Smokers need to not be around a baby for 30 mins post cigarette NHS guidance was when ds was born 9 years ago. Prob even more restricted now...

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/10/2023 22:13

When I was discharged after both of mine we were given the lecture about exposure to smoke and the SIDS risk, they also gave us a leaflet. That might be helpful. Get the midwife to reiterate it when she comes over once you’re home too.

Original poster
Ladysukijuno · 28/10/2023 08:04

Thank you everyone. Some very good advice. I'll speak to her and say that the midwife mentioned it to me.

OP posts:
pinkstripeycat · 28/10/2023 08:06

Smokers breath out dangerous chemicals for up to an hour after one cigarette

if she’s holding your baby the smoke & chemicals will still be on her clothes even if she washes her hands

CeriB82 · 28/10/2023 08:07

Well if you say you get on well i cant see the issue with you telling her its a problem. Just crack on and tell her,

if it becomes a problem, its hers, not yours.

your house

Devilsmommy · 28/10/2023 08:28

I'm a smoker myself and when mine was newborn I'd always wash hands and remove the jacket I'd worn outside to smoke in. Just ask her to do the same. And before anyone jumps on me, that's the exact advice midwives and HV gave

Firebug007 · 28/10/2023 08:30

She has to wash her hands, change her top and wait 15 minutes before holding the baby (obviously she needs to smoke outside as well) x

wesurecouldstandgladioli · 28/10/2023 08:31

Universalsnail · 27/10/2023 19:00

My whole family are smokers so we had this issue, unfortunately none of them wanted to be involved after the first one. . I'd just ask her to wash her hands after having a fag. It's not ideal but I would take washed hands smoker but hands on involved auntie then the no support. Your baby will be fine.

I don’t think washing hands is enough.

Busephalus · 28/10/2023 09:03

Smokers smell of fags after they've had one, it is not nice

Busephalus · 28/10/2023 09:05

Or give her some leaflets on how to give up the medieval practice

ColleenDonaghy · 28/10/2023 09:35

YANBU at all because she's living with you.

FIL smokes but we only see him for a couple of hours every couple of weeks so we never asked him to do anything special (he never smokes indoors anyway). Completely different story when it's someone the baby sees day in day out.

Sometimeswinning · 28/10/2023 09:45

Zanatdy · 27/10/2023 21:13

I’d have a chat with her. Say you mean absolute no offence whatsoever but research shows smoking massively contributed to SIDS. Ask her if she can wear a smoking coat, keep it elsewhere (outhouse, garage) and wash hands thoroughly before holding baby (ideally change clothes). I was really paranoid about SIDS and was thankful my smoking friends lived miles away.

You’re not paranoid. You’re coming at this in a normal manner. Some of the posts on here are crazy!

As a smoker op I think your sil should already have considered this so you saying to her about a smoking coat should come as no surprise. If it does and she becomes upset she’s incredibly selfish and thoughtless!

coconutpie · 28/10/2023 10:17

You don't want to cause upset so the alternative is to allow your baby to inhale the toxic poisonous fumes from your smoker SIL, risking your baby's health?

Time to put on your big girl pants OP. I wouldn't have a smoker living in the house at all once you give birth. Tell her she has to move out or else stop smoking completely. Those are the options. If she keeps smoking, well she must move out and I'm afraid she won't be a "hands on auntie" because your baby will be at risk of the second / third hand smoke.

Nevermind31 · 28/10/2023 10:32

Change top, wash hands, and a half hour airing out period - that’s what I did with my mum. She was offended (and brought up stupid reasons like… but you stop with the buggy at a red traffic light, and those fumes are worse), but stuck to it.

Lemsipper · 28/10/2023 10:43

you do realise that the fumes will still be on her breath long after the cigarette. Honestly wouldn’t have her even under my roof if I was pregnant. People who smoke need to grow up. Such a stupid habit

Zippedydoodahday · 28/10/2023 10:50

The Lullaby Trust says the following in the context of people going outside to smoke:

"It is important to remember, however, that after a cigarette the smoke will still be on your clothes, hands and
in your hair, and there is not enough current research for us to understand exactly how harmful this may be to your baby.".

Not a risk I would take personally. I would not allow any smoker to hold my baby at all and I certainly wouldn't live with one.