To want another baby when I can’t manage the two I have?

[Thehonestbadger]

I know this is completely unreasonable

I have two DC, DS 3.5 and DD 2
DS is severely autistic (non verbal, very high needs…etc) and looking after him is HARD
We aren’t coping and have very nearly divorced several times over the past year. Home life is rough.

The thing is I LOVE parenting DD. Neurotypical parenting is amazing and honestly I would love a second child who engaged/functioned. I don’t often feel like DS is a second child tbh. It’s incredibly hard but there’s very little engagement.

We have a lovely home and no financial concerns and I just think about the future and how I always wanted 3 kids. I feel like I just can’t justify or responsibly even consider a third because of DS’s behaviour/needs and it just makes me feel like another thing I’ve lost because of him.

Don't get me wrong I love him and I know it’s not his fault he is how he is but it has pretty much ruined our lives.

My SIL was desperate for a third child after her experience of parenting twins (one with OCD, one with Aspergers). She felt that she'd never experienced the joys of parenting a solo child without some special needs.

She went for it and her third child has a host of physical ailments and a far more severe form of autism. Her marriage didn't survive it and now she's solo parenting all three.

I'd be very cautious.

Sounds like my mother. She had the 3rd Golden Child to make up for the difficult Autistic One - and literally locked the latter in the cupboard whilst she went out to 'enjoy' the NT two.

Then she had another two, both of whom were ND as well. Didn't work out too well for them, either.

Well she’s clearly awful. Let’s not put those assumptions on the op.

I wouldn’t in your shoes OP, no way. However if you don’t want to rule it out completely why not park it and look at it in a year or so? See how you feel then.

I completely understand how you feel in terms of feeling like autism (not necessarily your son) has robbed you of the chance of going for a third without a second thought.

My two are only 3 and 1 and I always wanted three children. But my older DD is most likely autistic and it’s too early to say whether my younger one is or not and my heart would love a third child (in the future), but my head says it wouldn’t be wise.

I would worry about the third child also having autism, and what if by then my second is showing signs. I wouldn’t change DD1 for the world but am aware of my limits and what I can manage, both now and in the future.

When I was pregnant with DD2, DD1 being autistic wasn’t even on my radar and I thought we were just dealing with a speech delay.

DD1 has little interaction with DD2 and that makes me sad and yes, lots of NT siblings don’t get along but plenty do. I tell myself yes, you may want to have a third child but there comes a point where you have to be content and be happy with and focus on the two you already have.

Only you know your limits and what you can handle and what your marriage can handle.

I think some posters are just being horrible for the sake of it. So, you have another child and your marriage doesnt survive, does that make things worse or better for you? Tbh, a failing stressful marriage versus being on your own,? Being on your own may well be better. You've said you are no more likely to have an autistic child than any one else. Two children without severe autism may be a lot better for all of your children than one on her own.

I think the truth is that having a child is a risk. No one can generally say whats ahead, what your third child may or nay not have. So I think , given your marriage being rocky, think how would you cope on your own and decide. Its your decision, none of us here , including me, know you and know how you will cope. So you decide. And whatever you decide, i wish you all the best. You Sound like a great parent, who is being hugely honest about your situation. You seem to me like someone who loves their children. Good luck with your decision.

IMO you do not have a stable enough life to adequately support another child. Focus on the two children you have. Your DS is only 3.5 and has a long way to go on his journey. Invest in him, DD and your marriage.

Your want is selfish to your children's needs

Being non verbal at 3.5 years of age doesn’t mean he’ll never talk. My autistic son didn’t speak until he was 4.
Today he’s 22 and studying computer science.

Eh?
Bringing a 3rd child into an already very stressful situation to “share the burden of caring for you/your son in the future “

What can possibly go wrong here?
Child 3 is rightly resentful that they are expected to provide care. Be a sibling-yes. Help out- yes. Provide care. -no
Child 2 will be acutely aware that her role is as carer
2+3 might say sod this. And leave as soon as they can

Child 3 you have no idea what medical conditions they may or may not have till they are born.
so would the middle child be expected to help with both siblings

How man posts on MN that you don’t have children to provide care when you the parent are old.
Having a child to help provide care to - in your words - the burden actually makes me feel angry.

OP no it’s a completely unreasonable proposal

The question is, would you manage if your third child was also autistic? It’s far from impossible, there is a genetic component to autism. Could you cope with two high-needs autistic children, and what impact would a second autistic child have on your existing children?

You said you have nearly divorced. For this alone it would be a no

My daughter's autism didn't become apparant until she started Y1 OP. Don't assume anything yet!

Are you the spokesperson for this individual? Is it for you to say how severely they are affected. My own child is severely autistic and I also find it offensive

It’s funny how even mentioning a ‘want’ on here gets you flamed.

I want another. I won’t have another. I still want one. I don’t think feelings are unreasonable.

With that being said and this is going to sound a little blunt but the intention is to be helpful rather than critical, I think you (and your DH) are far too cavalier with regard to family planning. I know you wouldn’t swap your DD - who would, when the children are here - but didn’t you have to have your own mum and MIL around pretty much round the clock due to illness in your second pregnancy, illness you still haven’t fully recovered from?

And your whole family get ill a lot. I know kids get bugs and viruses and colds but no joke, you all seem to be ill more times a month than we are a year. That is not an arsey post, it’s to point out that more kids = more illness.

You have a tiny age gap between no 1 and 2, and that would have been hard even without your DS’s needs. As hard as he sounds, I do actually think that there is an element of blaming his needs when actually some of it isn’t; it would have been hard anyway with a tiny age gap, pandemic pregnancies, lockdown(s), illnesses and so on. And you do have to take responsibility for those choices and accept that they made life difficult for a while.

is this is what you’d say to a friend in real life?
jesus, let’s try and destroy every vulnerable woman on here why don’t we.

Is OP particularly vulnerable? I'm more concerned about her son.

But children should not be created in order to become carers for other family members.

OP you have another recent thread where you say your husband asked you for a divorce. I think it was ten days ago.

I don't have the same circumstances as you so it may be completely different but I didn't find having a third made things any harder than having two, the third just slotted in and I agree that it could be good for your DD. The only thing I'd say is that I had a 3 year gap then a 2 year gap and I found the 3 year quite difficult, with 2 years I could pop them both in a pram to get about but with a 3 year gap it's a bit more difficult.

Clearly you’ve never been in this situation.

You don’t think a women with two children including a disabled child who is clearly struggling with her marriage is vulnerable?