To want another baby when I can’t manage the two I have?

[Thehonestbadger]

I know this is completely unreasonable

I have two DC, DS 3.5 and DD 2
DS is severely autistic (non verbal, very high needs…etc) and looking after him is HARD
We aren’t coping and have very nearly divorced several times over the past year. Home life is rough.

The thing is I LOVE parenting DD. Neurotypical parenting is amazing and honestly I would love a second child who engaged/functioned. I don’t often feel like DS is a second child tbh. It’s incredibly hard but there’s very little engagement.

We have a lovely home and no financial concerns and I just think about the future and how I always wanted 3 kids. I feel like I just can’t justify or responsibly even consider a third because of DS’s behaviour/needs and it just makes me feel like another thing I’ve lost because of him.

Don't get me wrong I love him and I know it’s not his fault he is how he is but it has pretty much ruined our lives.

Not unreasonable but I’m not sure Id do it. You just don’t want to give yourself so much work that your life is impossible

I think some people are missing the point telling you to go for it - this isn’t all about your DS, you said you and your DH have nearly divorced multiple times recently. So no, it’s not the right time to have another child if your marriage is in trouble. Maybe if things improve with your marriage and your marriage can take it then look at it again in the future.

If you were saying it's hard, but you have a strong marriage and a support network for you and DC then I'd say it's not unreasonable to consider a third child. You'd have to seriously sit down and consider your circumstances and how you'd cope in the event your third child had any health or SEN needs, but it wouldn't be unreasonable to consider it.

In your situation where you're struggling, your marriage is on the rocks, you're not coping and you already have a lot of resentment to your son, then you'd be very silly to consider it.

You might benefit from having some counselling or some support from local charities who support families in your situation though. Your outlook towards your son seems very negative and talking to someone might help.

Why is having a third reasonable in a marriage that is on the rocks?

I’m autistic. I find the op offensive.

If I’m honest, I know plenty of families personally who have a severely autistic child and go on to have another autistic child and that is HARD. No genetic testing can tell you if another will have autism but honestly the likelihood is they probably could. I have an asd 2 year old who is my second child, my first is NT. I would never ever have a third simply because I know I could not cope with the chance of another asd child and there’s no shame on that, I’m simply not ready to roll the dice on those chances, I favour my marriage and the children I already have.

Oh OP, I get it. The yearning for more children can be really overwhelming, but it sounds like adding more to the pressure pot is likely to be problematic for you all. For you to say you're already not coping with the two you have, plus a less-than-solid partnership, I'd say gently and kindly that while adding a new baby may satisfy a short-term itch it could be hugely detrimental for all of your family.

Your DS's needs aren't going to improve or get less, and adding a whole new person into what you describe as a 'rough home life' doesn't sound fair on any you.

You said yourself, you aren't coping with the children you have. Sort that out before you consider adding to your family.

If I was your dd, and you added another child to the mix then your marriage went south, I'd be very resentful tbh.

There should be no expectation in having a third that the NT two would share the "burden" of caring for their sibling in the future. It's more than likely it'll fall to one or neither of them. The third might also not be NT!

You'll hopefully have speech therapy etc starting within two years. That's going to be tough with another baby. There's mixed reviews on the genetic testing, so don't take for granted that your next child won't have any additional needs. I'd say that it's too early to say that DD doesn't. My middle exceeded milestones, top of the class, but has displayed OCD behaviours from about 7, then later on anxiety and poor self esteem. All that now can come under the ASD umbrella. I know what you mean about parenting a NT child, or even a pleasant ND child, it's completely different and a walk in the park. So I have some sympathy. Treat it as a hormonal surge and work on your marriage. You'd have to be both onboard.

There should be no expectation on a child that they grow up to be responsible for a sibling. Great if it happens naturally but can be very stressful too

There’s also no guarantee that OPs DD is neurotypical, she’s only 2, it can be too early to tell.

It’s not unreasonable to want a third but it’d be really stupid to do it in your current circumstances.

As you will know, it’s a very wide spectrum and can be incredibly painful and challenging. I’m sure she loves her son very much. She may also want the chance to have a baby again, because she said she loves babies and want to build this family.

I thought the genetic link for autism wasn’t fully explored or understood yet?

What would you do if baby number 3 falls somewhere in the middle?

What happens to dd when the new baby and ds demand nearly all your attention?

What happens when the extra stress goes from ‘almost divorce to actual divorce. How will you or their father cope when you have the kids alone?

I don’t think it’s wrong to want another child. I don’t think it’s even wrong to recognise the differences in parenting a NT and a ND child. I am uncomfortable with the language used.

However, I think you may be u set estimating the impact having a difficult sibling can have on the other siblings. So many people talk about having one child that is severely disabled or has some sort of difficulty and how amazing and well behaved their other child is. But the other child’s brilliant behaviour isn’t the healthy, well rounded behaviour people think it is. The ‘well behaved’ child often (even from very young) learns they get attention and love for being as near perfect as possible. They tend to have poor boundaries and be people pleasers. Your dd may be a dream to parent die to the home situation. That doesn’t mean parenting her will always be a dream. Especially when another baby, who needs lots of attention (as all babies do) and there’s very little left for the middle one. Or the baby comes along and the family falls apart. There’s a possibility of that having a really negative impact on the middle one. Even to the point they realise they need to be high needs to get your attention.

I think in the circumstances it would be the wrong decision to go ahead. While I, kind of, understand you are essentially wishing to throw a bomb into your marriage and your daughters life.

Of course not, but unfortunately this is what happens. There is that emotional pressure and worry which can be nice to share.

This is an excellent points especially given the huge differences in how it can present in girls.

Another child will mean you have less time for your daughter, even if that child is nt. If your son is as severely disabled as you say, your daughter is already at a disadvantage. I think you'd be insane to even consider another child, add in a rocky marriage, and that becomes insane to the power of 10.

But it shouldn’t happen. The op should be preparing and making sure this doesn’t fall to her daughter.

I say this as a parent of one NT child and one ND child.

I really feel for you, what a gutting situation.

I strongly suggest you try to think about your experience of parenting in therapy, if you can afford to go privately. You’ve sacrificed a phenomenal amount and almost lost your marriage to the difficulties. I don’t blame you at all for wanting something back for yourself and to have your life look more like what you once imagined it would. But I think the decision to have another child in this scenario needs some very serious consideration to make sure it’s a united (with your partner) and sensible decision. I think you really need and deserve a space for yourself to explore your grief of what you have lost, before adding another child to the equation.

She may want to give her daughter (and son) some more company and family members. Forget the ‘being responsible’ part. Surely you stuck at two for your reasons which can be beneficial. For others, having three can also help.

The main concern here is the op said she can’t cope and her husband and her have issues. Can you talk us through these?

With all due respect my son sounds similar to the ops, he is 7 and is cognitively an 18month old, unable to speak, write, toilet independently.

It is soul destroying to love your child so much but to also resent how negatively they have changed your life and their siblings, it's no one's fault of course but the affect having someone so disabled and dependant on you is undeniable.

I think you’re being very harsh. The OP is at the beginning of a journey that will last the rest of her life and yes, it’s going to be bloody hard and not what she or any of us would chose. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her son but she’s allowed to grieve the life she thought she was going to have.

I have a child with significant learning difficulties (we have a genetic diagnosis) and it took me years to come to terms with it. That didn’t mean I didn’t love my child or that I didn’t do the best for them - I did, and do and now have a wonderful adult child who leads a fantastic life. But it’s really tough so cut her some slack and don’t spin the worst possible interpretation on her post.

OP - I don’t know what you’ve been told by your genetic counsellor but very few cases of inherited autism can picked up by genetic tests. One side of my family has generations of autism, so there’s obviously a genetic component but nothing that shows up on testing so far. Ironically my own child’s autism is linked to a spontaneous mutation and non-hereditable so nothing to do with my genetic inheritance. So there’s no guarantee that there isn’t a genetic link, I’m afraid.

my advice, fwiw, is you have two very young children, one of whom has significant needs and your marriage is under huge strain. You really don’t want to end up going it alone if you can help it. I’d think long and hard before having a third and at least wait until your son is a little older and settled in an appropriate school, something that is likely to involve a huge battle on your part

If you can't cope at the moment, then you shouldn't be considering a third child until you can cope with the two you have.

If money is no issue, then I suggest employing someone to help at home to help you cope. If this works, then it would be worth considering another child.

Parenting three kids is hard work, especially trying to find quality time with each one. Let alone when one of your children is ND!

OP - I don't think that this would be a good idea.
I understand from posters on Mumsnet that respite care is extremely hard to get but I would suggest to you to try as hard as possible to get some.
From reading those posts it seems to be about pushing social services/ the LA as much as possible, repeatedly etc.
It sounds like it would be very difficult, but it would be worth it, given how difficult your DS is for you.