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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want another baby when I can’t manage the two I have?

84 replies

Thehonestbadger · 27/10/2023 16:07

I know this is completely unreasonable

I have two DC, DS 3.5 and DD 2
DS is severely autistic (non verbal, very high needs…etc) and looking after him is HARD
We aren’t coping and have very nearly divorced several times over the past year. Home life is rough.

The thing is I LOVE parenting DD. Neurotypical parenting is amazing and honestly I would love a second child who engaged/functioned. I don’t often feel like DS is a second child tbh. It’s incredibly hard but there’s very little engagement.

We have a lovely home and no financial concerns and I just think about the future and how I always wanted 3 kids. I feel like I just can’t justify or responsibly even consider a third because of DS’s behaviour/needs and it just makes me feel like another thing I’ve lost because of him.

Don't get me wrong I love him and I know it’s not his fault he is how he is but it has pretty much ruined our lives.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thehonestbadger · 27/10/2023 16:08

For context his paediatrican described him as one of the more severe she’s seen. I’m not being dramatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thehonestbadger · 27/10/2023 16:09

Oh and we just got the genetic testing back we’d been waiting almost a year for and there’s no genetic reason. He’s just been unlucky. So our chances of having another child like him apparently aren’t higher than anyone else’s

OP posts:
Ididivfama · 27/10/2023 16:10

You’re not unreasonable to want another child. In terms of having one, only you and your partner can decide if you think you’ll be able to cope and how.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/10/2023 16:10

There's making a decision based upon emotions and then there's being outright stupid. Having another child when your marriage is hanging on by a thread?

TheShellBeach · 27/10/2023 16:10

Have you considered the possibility that a third child, if you had one, could also be autistic?

crumblingschools · 27/10/2023 16:10

What are the chances of having another child with autism? Would it mean you have even less time with DD?

Sixsixtysix · 27/10/2023 16:10

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Ididivfama · 27/10/2023 16:11

I actually like the idea of a third (currently pregnant with my second) so that if my second child is NT then he/she will have support with third child.

Dacadactyl · 27/10/2023 16:11

What does your DH say about it?

In your shoes I wouldn't be going for another child. I think the challenges with your DS may likely get worse and you could end up alone with 3 kids.

nibblessquibbles · 27/10/2023 16:11

If you had another DC, wouldn't that reduce the available time you have for DD even more?
What if the DC you then have has some additional needs on top ? I think it sounds like you have a full on stressful life and maybe a baby wouldn't help?

Ace56 · 27/10/2023 16:11

I do feel for you OP. But I think you need to consider the quality of life/care your third child will have. Will they be able to have enough attention from you when it’s already hard with DS and your other existing child?

And would your marriage survive it? What does your DH think?

Ididivfama · 27/10/2023 16:12

How old are you? So you work?

Lundin · 27/10/2023 16:12

There are no genetic tests for autism are there? Your chances of having another autistic child are higher than the general population. But while the baby years would be very hard i think having another baby could be lovely for you and your family. The Rocky marriage would be more of a concern.

Sixsixtysix · 27/10/2023 16:13

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ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 27/10/2023 16:13

As a mother of a child with autism and severe learning disabilities, the way you talk about your son compared to your daughter is vile. Combine that with your marital strife and the answer is no. It is also very possible another child could be autistic and we can clearly see that's not what you want 🙄

Iknowthis1 · 27/10/2023 16:13

You're not unreasonable to want another but you'd probably be unreasonable to have another. It sucks 💐

Lelophants · 27/10/2023 16:14

What’s worse - having a child with as many/different but very high needs like your son OR never trying?

And how are things with your husband? Is there a chance you’re putting everything into a new baby because of your situation?

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 16:14

Honestly, don't be ridiculous.

As an NT mother, when I say, at 3.5yrs, "you ain't seen nothing yet," believe me.

In a few more years, you will shortly discover you barely have time to parent DD alongside him, the very idea that you would bring a third child into this and spread your limited time and resources even further, is baffling.

PostItInABook · 27/10/2023 16:14

Sounds like you want a neurotypical boy to replace your DS. What will you do if you get that? Lock the neurodiverse one in the cellar so you can be the perfect neurotypical family? The resentment you have for your son is palpable.

sollenwir · 27/10/2023 16:15

YANBU to feel any of the things you are feeling, or to admit you are feeling them.
Only you know how much (more) strain your marriage can take, but you have to also consider (as anyone does) how you would cope if another child turned out to have any health issues or a condition similar to or worse than DS. Perhaps focusing on dealing with his needs as best you can, while also trying to give DD as 'normal' life as possible, would be more realistic.
Are you getting any support/respite with DS?

Lelophants · 27/10/2023 16:16

PostItInABook · 27/10/2023 16:14

Sounds like you want a neurotypical boy to replace your DS. What will you do if you get that? Lock the neurodiverse one in the cellar so you can be the perfect neurotypical family? The resentment you have for your son is palpable.

Don’t be so ridiculous 🤣 and cruel.

Ribena20 · 27/10/2023 16:16

I think having a third in these circumstances is reasonable. Having a 3rd would also mean your daughter has someone to share the burden of caring for you/your son in the future.

Sixsixtysix · 27/10/2023 16:16

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Lelophants · 27/10/2023 16:17

Ribena20 · 27/10/2023 16:16

I think having a third in these circumstances is reasonable. Having a 3rd would also mean your daughter has someone to share the burden of caring for you/your son in the future.

I’ve seen this happen in families with a disabled child and it’s lovely. They have each other and they also support the older sibling together.

TigerRag · 27/10/2023 16:17

Ribena20 · 27/10/2023 16:16

I think having a third in these circumstances is reasonable. Having a 3rd would also mean your daughter has someone to share the burden of caring for you/your son in the future.

And if the third turns out to have a disability?

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