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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD giving friend a tour of our messy home

55 replies

Gorden009 · 27/10/2023 15:35

DD went to a show today with her friend and friends mum (they're both 6). It's new-ish friend we tend to meet outdoors as I have another child with special needs who would make indoor play dates here a bit impossible.

I've only been home from hospital a few days so was appreciative of a couple of hours peace. Admittedly, I haven't done a 'proper' tidy up since and the place is a mess.

Anyway, when DD was brought home we were at the door doing handover and her friend whispered to her mum that she needed to use the toilet, mum asked if she could and I said of course and showed her where it was and rejoined mum at the door.

Long story short DD gave her a complete bloody tour of the place which for some reason included opening drawers of the unit in the living room. When it clicked what they were doing I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I wouldn't mind so much if the place was tidy but it wasn't. No doubt DD's friend will now report back to mum that the place is messy. (Not dirty, just stuff everywhere) and yes I am sure she will do that 😬

Would this bother you?

OP posts:
CarPour · 27/10/2023 15:38

She's 6. I doubt she even noticed

How's your daughter to know she can't show her friends around? Do you want her to feel embarrassed of her home?

ApolloandDaphne · 27/10/2023 15:38

She is 6. She won't have noticed any of the mess. She will have looked at your DDs room and her toys and that's all she will remember.

Redlarge · 27/10/2023 15:39

Kid prob wont even notice and just enjoyed being nosey/included.
Dont worry about it.

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 15:41

Six year olds don’t notice mess, as can be evidenced by their bedrooms if left to their own devices, their brains don’t work that way. That’s an adult thought your attributing to a little child.

Bbq1 · 27/10/2023 15:41

I guess if you're unable to have friends over to play then your dd was just excited to have the chance to show off her home.

Original poster
Gorden009 · 27/10/2023 15:50

The rooting through drawers and cupboards really wouldn't bother anybody? I understand wanting to show a friend your toys but surely that is sufficient?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gorden009 · 27/10/2023 15:51

I think the uncomfortable feeling comes from not wanting to be judged by her friends mum.

OP posts:
legalseagull · 27/10/2023 15:53

She's 6! She'll be blind to mess. This wouldn't bother me at all. Do you really think she'll be saying "mummy, you should SEE the state of her knicker drawer"

Squiblet · 27/10/2023 15:54

legalseagull · 27/10/2023 15:53

She's 6! She'll be blind to mess. This wouldn't bother me at all. Do you really think she'll be saying "mummy, you should SEE the state of her knicker drawer"

😁 "Mummy, I caught a glimpse of her 2019 tax return, and she overclaimed on mileage!"

Ace56 · 27/10/2023 15:54

Yes OP I really wouldn’t worry - a 6 yr old does not make the same judgements that an adult would. Unless you have anything dodgy in your drawers/cupboards I really wouldn’t worry about that either!

I actually thought at first (based on your reaction) that your DD had given the mum a tour!

Rosykitten · 27/10/2023 15:56

Looking back, at that age some of my friend's houses were messy, some were not, but I didn't notice whatsoever at the time and I was a fairly observant child but it just wouldn't have been on my radar. It's not the same as an adult looking around who might be making comparisons or judgements as they go along. Children seem to remember something like "they have the same soap as we do" or "X has a doll house in her room". They only notice 6 year old stuff, and that's not mess!

Goldenbear · 27/10/2023 15:57

With mess I think you have to own it. I think they do notice if they come from very clean households, DD had a group of friends, one came from a very minimalist home the other to be frank from untidy, dirty, too busy to do anything about it home, one time I was taking them all to a theme park and I asked friend from immaculate home to knock for the friend from untidy home. They didn't reply at first so friend of clean home peered through the window, when other friend got in the car, she commented on how messy the house was to untidy friend and how her Mum would never put up with that. I have a tidy, clean home but not minimalist and she even found some dust to comment on on top of the wardrobe in DD's room when she stayed for a sleepover as they had climbed on the cabin bed and she was jumping off which I told her not to do as she would come through the ceiling.

Needless to say we don't see her much very more.

Rosykitten · 27/10/2023 16:00

Also, kids only really notice how welcomed they are - how they are made to feel. It doesn't matter how messy or not the place is, kids know when they are being warmly welcomed (even briefly or in passing). I had a friend who had a lovely mum on the face of it, who baked and cooked and bought my friend lots of nice things, but she wasn't nice to me, and when I think of her it's never smiling, because she never smiled at me.

Goldenbear · 27/10/2023 16:00

Tbf in my case they were 8, I don't think 6 would have that awareness.

Thunderinglightly · 27/10/2023 16:01

I have worked in people's homes for many years @Gorden009 and I can promise you that a bit of mess is absolutely normal for most families. I had one friend, when my children were small, who's house was always spotless, but she was the exception.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/10/2023 16:01

ApolloandDaphne · 27/10/2023 15:38

She is 6. She won't have noticed any of the mess. She will have looked at your DDs room and her toys and that's all she will remember.

This. She probably didn't notice any untidiness.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/10/2023 16:03

She's 6! She doesn't care if your drawers are disorderly.

Original poster
Gorden009 · 27/10/2023 16:04

It's not DD's friend passing judgement that I was concerned about, it's her mum.

Mum is a fab person in lots of ways and great to get along with but we're from different worlds and different backgrounds with different priorities and and it is something I'm sure she would pass judgement on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gorden009 · 27/10/2023 16:07

Perhaps it is an unnecessary worry on my part, I've probably made it bigger than it is by not inviting them in in the first place.

The thing is I was raised in an absolute shit hole growing up and it has left it's mark. When I have visitors due I always make sure the place is spotless and feel really uncomfortable with the thought of visitors coming when it's not tidy.

My place is a palace compared to what I was raised in but I obviously haven't let go of the embarrassment I had growing up and I'm applying it to our place now.

OP posts:
akkakk · 27/10/2023 16:10

if she passes judgement would she be a fab person? I think you can notice someone else's house mess / even feel it is not what you would choose, but still decide to not comment or judge - that would be a decent person... equally if from different worlds / backgrounds, a fab person wouldn't mind - wouldn't consider it a thing...

I like a house to be tidy, but equally am comfortable in slightly more messy houses - but depends what the mess is - if it is dirty clothes dropped down behind the sofa / old pizza boxes on the side / drawers broken and spilling out their contents - that is very different from having a pile of stuff being dealt with on the side / having the odd daily detritus scattered around / etc. - any house is enhanced by having piles of books everywhere!

StolenCookie · 27/10/2023 16:13

Honestly OP, most of us put so much pressure on ourselves to have a tidy and put together home when guests are round, but unless the place is actually dirty and a literal tip, no one cares. If anything I think people are relieved that others aren’t perfect either.

With kids the house gets into a state practically on a daily basis. Anyone judging that is being ridiculous!

Lilibert456 · 27/10/2023 16:13

My husband built our house and was naturally very proud. We had moved in two days. I came home early from work to be greeted by my husband and two fellow builders fresh from a muddy site in the kitchen, sticky coffee cups everywhere and he had shown them around every room including our bedroom where my undies were on the bed but even worse they had trudged their dirty builders boots intoevery room. I went ballistic.

Gowlett · 27/10/2023 16:17

Our place gets out of control at times. Sometimes there’s just no time to get on top of the house, until you get those few hours! But, I was heartened when my DS unexpectedly went to a new pals house (they were filling their water guns in the bathroom) & came home saying “Mum, Sam’s house is very messy!” It can’t be any worse than ours… I think we need to cut ourselves some slack, everyone’s house gets messy.

sangriapeople · 27/10/2023 16:21

I wouldn't be bothered by the opinion of a 6 yo!

Nanny0gg · 27/10/2023 16:26

Gorden009 · 27/10/2023 15:50

The rooting through drawers and cupboards really wouldn't bother anybody? I understand wanting to show a friend your toys but surely that is sufficient?

Oh I'd be having Words with DD about that!