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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be taken aback by this comment?

61 replies

PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 15:33

I have 1 DC, aged 8. Sister has 3 DC aged, 4, 2 and 3 months. Having a chat with sis yday and she asked me when would I be having all the kids? Tbh the comment caught me off guard and I didn't realise she was actually waiting for an answer so I kind of spluttered and couldn't quite get my words out, this came across as being reluctant. Sis took offence to this and said I basically don't want to look after all of the kids at the same time, which I totally understand because she's probably right. I don't have any desires to do this voluntarily but absolutely would if an emergency arose or once in a lifetime event was happening, but as a working single parent (zero help) to a child who is finally out of the not so pleassant toddler years, I can't say spending my weekends with 4 kids is top of my to do list if there wasn't a specific reason. I tried to explain this to sis in a nice way but she was already offended that I didn't respond enthusiastically with a date straight away.

OP posts:
MidnightOnceMore · 27/10/2023 15:35

She presented it rudely.

I wouldn't worry about how she took it, you don't have to do this if you don't want to.

Squiblet · 27/10/2023 15:36

Taking three kids at those ages is a huge ask! Did she really expect you to leap at the chance?

Has she ever looked after your DC, and now thinks she's owed a favour?

CatamaranViper · 27/10/2023 15:37

Just tell her that she needs to learn to ask nicely so you can consider it. Her choice to have three kids.

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 15:37

Does she have yours? If so it's giving you child free time and it would be nice for you to reciprocate

mbosnz · 27/10/2023 15:39

You don't seem unreasonable to me!

ChippyTea16 · 27/10/2023 15:40

I'd have laughed and said 'good one' if someone asked me that out of the blue...

I'd have also turned it back round to her and said 'are you asking me to look after your kids?'. And if she said yes, I'd have told her she can bloody well ask properly and not to present it like it's something you should want to do!

ErrolTheDragon · 27/10/2023 15:41

YANBU.

One thing that's not clear from your post, does she/has she ever had your DC ? If so then some level of reciprocation would be nice - but looking after one older child doesn't equate to 3 much younger ones!

FOJN · 27/10/2023 15:41

She was offended? She just assumed you would have all the children at some point and didn't think that was rude.

I'd be very careful about how you proceed. If you give into her because she was offended and made it seem like that was your fault then she will use that tactic repeatedly.

If she "accuses" you of not wanting to look after all the children at once then I would be honest and tell her she's right. You're not obliged to defend yourself against coercive accusations.

If she had asked I think it would be different but her assumption says she has cheeky fucker potential.

gamerchick · 27/10/2023 15:41

Let her strop. Cheeky bugger.

2jacqi · 27/10/2023 15:43

why does she want you to have all her three kids?? night out or return to work??

Janieforever · 27/10/2023 15:44

Does she take your kid. You seemed to have missed that bit out.

DelphiniumBlue · 27/10/2023 15:45

My answer would depend on how often she has looked after your DD.

justalittlesnoel · 27/10/2023 15:46

If she takes your DC to give you child free time it would be good to return the favour, but maybe not when the youngest is 3 months!

EvilElsa · 27/10/2023 15:50

Well she would be spot on with that judgement of me. I wouldn't be excited about having 3 kids under 5 to look after plus my own 8 year old. I'd certainly do it in an emergency but I wouldn't be joyfully volunteering.

SarahLKelp · 27/10/2023 15:50

It's quite bizarre of her to "ask" like that. I'm not surprised you were taken aback.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/10/2023 15:52

Why on Earth would you be having them? Even if she has had your Dd, that’s one child, not three.

I’d get in touch and say, “you caught me off guard earlier. I love seeing you guys, but I’m only up for meeting up all together with you and the kids.”

Ponoka7 · 27/10/2023 15:52

How much help has she given you over the years?

ClarkGablesMoustache · 27/10/2023 15:59

Unless she's been looking after your child overnight regularly, she's off her head.

YANBU and of course you'd be taken aback when she springs "look after my three young children" expectations on you.

Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 16:01

I honestly was feeling guilty but your replies have helped lift that, thank you! To answer a few questions, she has my DC as much as I've had hers - we see each other a couple of times a week and then the odd bit of babysitting every few months. I usually just have her 4 yr old for sleepovers, but have had the 4 and 2 year old together on the odd occasion for a few hours, never overnight and haven't had baby yet due to age. I get that it's different when she has mine as I am then childfree, whereas when I've had hers she still has one or two but going from 1 to 4 is a lot for me to consider without good reason. No she isn't returning to work any time soon. As other's have mentioned, she didn't really ask either, kind of demanded, so part of my speechlessness was at the audacity!

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 16:09

And just to clarify, she meant overnight.

OP posts:
Janieforever · 27/10/2023 16:33

That’s difficult, because of how many she has, if she wants a night off I guess she’s relying on you as you do her, but as you won’t take them, for good reasons, then you benefit more.

i think you need to talk to her, because it is likely she will stop having yours.

2jacqi · 27/10/2023 16:38

are there no grandparents to help with at least 2 of them, leaving you with one? no sil??

Vintagecreamandcottagepie · 27/10/2023 16:38

Just be clear that in another couple of years, you'll be happy to have then overnight occasionally, but until then the three of them would be too much.

She wants child free time as you have when she takes your lo, but the decision to have three close together changes things for a while.

And I say this as a parent who had 3 very close together!

rockinginarockingchair · 27/10/2023 16:41

Not my sister but a friend asked me the same thing once.
I said no there not mine ( im blunt) she said well your 2 kids are older i need a break just for one day and a night.
I replied with you had them you look after them. ( she had 5) expecting number 6.
I stopped talking in the end has did others coz she just wanted a baby sitter.
Her own mum told her why have so many if you dont want to look after them.
Dont feel guilty you have your child why would you want to take care of more.

ManateeFair · 27/10/2023 16:45

Why on earth does your sister think you're obliged to look after all three of her children for her?!

And even if she thinks it's completely standard for everyone to have three nieces and nephews at once to stay (which it isn't), asking you 'When will you be having all of them?' like that would still have been incredibly rude.

Some people are really into having a house full of small children for the day and absolutely would enjoy it. But some people very much wouldn't and there is nothing wrong with being someone who doesn't want to look after three small children plus their own eight-year-old. Your sister is being ridiculous.

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