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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be taken aback by this comment?

61 replies

PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 15:33

I have 1 DC, aged 8. Sister has 3 DC aged, 4, 2 and 3 months. Having a chat with sis yday and she asked me when would I be having all the kids? Tbh the comment caught me off guard and I didn't realise she was actually waiting for an answer so I kind of spluttered and couldn't quite get my words out, this came across as being reluctant. Sis took offence to this and said I basically don't want to look after all of the kids at the same time, which I totally understand because she's probably right. I don't have any desires to do this voluntarily but absolutely would if an emergency arose or once in a lifetime event was happening, but as a working single parent (zero help) to a child who is finally out of the not so pleassant toddler years, I can't say spending my weekends with 4 kids is top of my to do list if there wasn't a specific reason. I tried to explain this to sis in a nice way but she was already offended that I didn't respond enthusiastically with a date straight away.

OP posts:
Tinklyheadtilt · 27/10/2023 16:54

YANBU. That is properly CF to ask that, especially overnight.

OhComeOnFFS · 27/10/2023 16:57

Oh god, "never" would be my answer!

welcometothnuthouse · 27/10/2023 17:08

Her dc and her choice to have 3, it's her problem to sort out.

bombastix · 27/10/2023 17:10

Er... your sister is not exactly going about this the right way if she wants your help.

ginasevern · 27/10/2023 17:14

If she wants a night off she shouldn't have had 3 kids.

treenu · 27/10/2023 17:15

Are you in a union? Do they have a hardship fund that could help tide you over?
If not there may be something your employer can offer?

treenu · 27/10/2023 17:16

Sorry - wrong thread!

ButWhatIsIt · 27/10/2023 17:21

I would have replied that if I wanted four kids, I would have had four kids, and left it at that.

GunboatDiplomacy · 27/10/2023 17:26

In the context that you're close, she has frequently looked after your child, and you often look after one or two of her children, it's not an unreasonable expectation that when her baby is older you'd be able to occasionally take all three overnight, (as a big favour).

She's not asked well, but I wouldn't let one minor spat get in the way of your close relationship. I'd tell her that it's a big ask, but in a couple of years (when your child will require that much less attention) you'd probably be able to take all three as a very occasional weekend overnight.

resm · 27/10/2023 17:32

I always babysat my nieces and nephews overnight, during the day, various times when I was the young, fun aunt. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had my 3 kids babysat now; mostly one off events like a birthday meal for a few hours max. The oldest overnight just once.

My siblings would happily take them so I don’t feel in any way shortchanged or that it needs to be reciprocated. I just feel that because they get minded enough when I’m at work, I personally wouldn’t want them minded on top of this. I wouldn’t press family to babysit overnight if they were uncomfortable, it isn’t fair to them or the children. I say that as a mum of 7, 4 and 1&1/2 year olds.

I wouldn’t be feeling guilty if I were you. It sounds like you help out where you can regularly. Maybe she is overwhelmed with new baby. Could you sleep over in her house, all of you? I have a sis who lives abroad and when she’s home we have a night together for the cousins. When kids are in bed, I have a chilled wee wine night with my sis.

ManchesterLu · 27/10/2023 17:33

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 15:37

Does she have yours? If so it's giving you child free time and it would be nice for you to reciprocate

There's a bit of a difference between looking after 1 child and looking after 3, though, isn't there!

Aroundthetwist44 · 27/10/2023 17:38

I have 2 dc myself and am pregnant with my 3rd. They are 4 and 2. I would jump at the chance to have my baby niece overnight. Maybe I'm just mad

Intriguedbythis · 27/10/2023 17:40

If my sister/ friend suddenly asked me that I would just presume they were overwhelmed and over exhausted and just needed a day to refresh. I wouldn’t get offended or irked even if they phrased it poorly. Doesn’t matter if they have watched your kid or not, a bit of kindness goes far..

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 18:09

@ManchesterLu yes, but the outcome would be the same. For the parent doing the care or being child free. When OP's sister has OP's child she has 4 DC to look after, and OP is child free for the day, if OP looked after her sister's children she would have 4 to look after and sister would be free for the day. I'm sure when you've already got 3 you'd have no strong desire to add to it, especially when there's a new baby in the mix, but sister does it to help OP out, to me that should be reciprocated.

UndercoverCop · 27/10/2023 18:10

I have one DC , DB has two, if I have them I have them both, I wouldn't say you only have one of mine so I'll only have one of yours

DisforDarkChocolate · 27/10/2023 18:15

I had four children, all 4 at once wasn't something I volunteered for and they were all mine!

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 27/10/2023 18:17

If your sister had yours overnight, in order for you to have a childfree night, I imagine she wants the same.

Did you have her four year old when she/he was a baby and your own child was a four year old?

I don’t know if she is being unreasonable as she may have been very supportive to you in all manner of ways when you are a single parent and she had no kids or one child?

Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 18:26

@GunboatDiplomacy She doesn't look after mine frequently, 2-3 times a year at most and I'd say I do the same plus a few hours in the day/eve for appts/meals out etc. None of this prior to having her own children, so its not like I've had years of babysitting before she became a parent. I get what your saying though, I do want to help but between work, parenting, ferrying to activities, cooking, cleaning etc I am knackered!! And as you said, it's the way she asked that caught me off guard a bit tbh but I would definitely be more open once they are older

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 18:31

@UndercoverCop it doesn't quite work like that actually. 2 yr old very clingy and breastfed still (sis doesn't express) and doesn't cope well with separation so sister usually just asks me to take 4 yr old as she knows 2 yr old isn't going to be happy about being separated, baby is obviously baby so hasn't spent night away yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
PointyBlackBoots · 27/10/2023 18:35

@resm yeah that's like me, I don't often ask for babysitting as I work so feel guilty sending dc off regularly on the weekend just for some childfree time whereas sis is sahm so I totally get that she's over by midweek lol.

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 27/10/2023 18:42

Why would she think you’d want to have her kids for her?!

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 18:48

I would have instantly said "Never" and meant it. Fuck that.

GunboatDiplomacy · 27/10/2023 18:53

Shinyandnew1 · 27/10/2023 18:42

Why would she think you’d want to have her kids for her?!

Because she's looked after the OP's child many times, and the OP has looked after one or two of her DC many times? It's not exactly a huge leap.

Lilibert456 · 27/10/2023 18:57

Never all at once unless in an emergency.

All2Well · 27/10/2023 19:03

My friends with more than one child who want a child free night/day ask multiple people to care for their kids. So baby goes to grandparents 1, toddler to Auntie with a cousin the same age to play with and pre-schooler/reception aged child to grandparents 2 or some variation of this (including paying for childminder or other professional to sit or involving friends who are willing to babysit). No way would they expect one person to look after more than two kids under 5 (including their own).

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