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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children

42 replies

Vikingess · 27/10/2023 14:15

I see so many posts here about people resenting their stepchildren and feel so sorry for the children involved. When you get into a relationship with someone who has kids you must know they come as a package and if you are not prepared to give them love and respect surely you should look elsewhere.

OP posts:
OnAir · 27/10/2023 14:17

Sometimes I don't think it's not that black and white. While some have the best intentions of loving the children sometimes reality is very different due to many factors.

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 14:20

If this is about the poster whose brother has been told to fuck off by his DP because he expected her to pay for his DC rather than her own dog, YABVU

audihere · 27/10/2023 14:21

bore off

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/10/2023 14:22

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 14:20

If this is about the poster whose brother has been told to fuck off by his DP because he expected her to pay for his DC rather than her own dog, YABVU

Why assume that one? I’ve just read one where the stepmum is refusing to allow her partners little girl to be a part of their wedding, she just wants it to be her and her two special little girls. That’s fucking twisted

Gwenhwyfar · 27/10/2023 14:25

Vikingess · 27/10/2023 14:15

I see so many posts here about people resenting their stepchildren and feel so sorry for the children involved. When you get into a relationship with someone who has kids you must know they come as a package and if you are not prepared to give them love and respect surely you should look elsewhere.

But in many cases you don't know the children when you meet their father so how can you know whether you will love them or not?
Respect goes without saying of course.

GabriellaMontez · 27/10/2023 14:25

You're the dog sister aren't you?

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 14:25

Peoplemakemedespair · 27/10/2023 14:22

Why assume that one? I’ve just read one where the stepmum is refusing to allow her partners little girl to be a part of their wedding, she just wants it to be her and her two special little girls. That’s fucking twisted

Show quote history

That poster was happy for the DSD to be a flower girl iirc.

Ibizafun · 27/10/2023 14:28

Op, do you not think it's sometimes not as clear cut as that? I imagine all step parents go into it with the best of intentions.

Just as I did.. but in my case things changed and dh's kids came to live with us. All good.. until one of them decided to blackmail dh and move out unless he got his way.. things deteriorated and he gave them no boundaries at all, with me having zero authority. Yes it was a dh problem but caused resentment with me and therefore affected all of us adversely. I should add that his kids were mid to late teens so knew exactly what they were doing.

I think you have to judge each case on it's own merit, it's not always black and white.

Original poster
Vikingess · 27/10/2023 14:28

No - who is the dog’s sister?

OP posts:
Tally00 · 27/10/2023 14:40

As a stepchild I don't see why stepparents need to always be involved.
I loved my mum and dad and wanted to spend time with both but could never understand why I had to be treated like a daughter by there partners.
I felt my relationship deteriorated with my dad because I had a lack of privacy, step mum was always there, always included in private matters and always had an opinion.
I made life difficult for my step mum because she had nothing good to say about my mum and my dad always had her back.
She had an affair with my dad which broke my poor mums heart and my sister was born as a result and had the cheek to tell me to not to talk about my mum as she was the past.

Workawayxx · 27/10/2023 14:46

I imagine people think they can deal with it but then situations change, children grow up from cheeky 3 year olds into sullen/angry/difficult 13 year olds, the parent's parenting style annoys the step-parent, the step parent is expected to suck up the shit of parenting but isn't allowed a say in anything.

I have a DP who is sort of step-parent to my older DC and we have one DC together so can understand the issues but am not a step parent myself. I can appreciate that it's hard for DP with my older DC and they don't have the relationship I hoped they might (or even that I think both of them hope they might!) despite the fact that DP has been in DC's life for the majority of it. They're just very different people and there isn't that bond there. DC gives their actual Dad the benefit of the doubt no matter what and DP gets the opposite.

LemonLight · 27/10/2023 14:49

I think you're over simplifying a little bit.

catrescuelady · 27/10/2023 14:57

Every situation is different. Adult step children can be the worst to deal with. IMO

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/10/2023 15:00

Tally00 · 27/10/2023 14:40

As a stepchild I don't see why stepparents need to always be involved.
I loved my mum and dad and wanted to spend time with both but could never understand why I had to be treated like a daughter by there partners.
I felt my relationship deteriorated with my dad because I had a lack of privacy, step mum was always there, always included in private matters and always had an opinion.
I made life difficult for my step mum because she had nothing good to say about my mum and my dad always had her back.
She had an affair with my dad which broke my poor mums heart and my sister was born as a result and had the cheek to tell me to not to talk about my mum as she was the past.

That last sentence is DISGUSTING what a nasty piece of work that woman is. Poor you and your poor mum and you poor sister having that cow for a mother.

thunderlump · 27/10/2023 15:02

Yeah, what a simplistic view of the situation. Unless you've been a step parent, you'll really never know how it feels. There are so many moving parts and often it's not even really about the kids, it's about the other factors (nightmare Exw/h, scheduling conflicts, in laws, housing, parenting choices ... the list goes on).

GreyDuck · 27/10/2023 15:03

She is the cat's mother. (Sorry, couldn't resist).

Edited as I missed the quote. Was meant to be a reply to "who is the dog's sister?"

Birch101 · 27/10/2023 15:17

One reason why I refused to date anyone with children, I would judge them for not putting their children first and would judge them for not putting me first so a poor bloke would never win 🤣

My cousins had a rough deal. Father married and had other children and apparently new wife didn't want their photos in the house. We also then found out all the money that family members had sent for their birthdays and Christmas was taken by their birth mum and they never saw it and thought they were forgotten about.

My mother called her parents out on another cousin who married a lady with a child and said they now had a new grandchild so get on board and treat them exactly as any other grandchild.

I had a STF i lost him this year and whilst as a preteen - teenager we may not have been close it kills me to think he may never have known how important he was to me.

LemonLimeDivine · 27/10/2023 15:19

Unless you’re a step-parent you really can’t comment.
All families / situations are different and until you’re in it, you don’t know what it’s like.

assignedmeowth · 27/10/2023 15:40

I thought dog poster too.

JustFrustrated · 27/10/2023 15:47

I've been both the step child and the step parent ..and can say, it is Never that black and white. And it's stupidly reductive to say it is.

As a step child on both sides, my mother's second husband treated me as his own, not so much my elder siblings because they were older and had a good relationship with our bio dad. But then as soon as he and my mom split up, and I said I didn't want to move 100 miles away he ditched me. After 13 years of being an excellent parent to me.

My step mother was very standoffish but I have no relationship with my father anyway so that's expected. She gets on well with my siblings, and they would say they never view her as a parental figure.

As a step mom, I was devoted to my stepson. Adored him. I was his primary care giver. I did everything for him that his parents couldn't be bothered to, I took him to his first day of school, all his medical appointments, all his parents evenings. He was mine. But then I split with his dad and despite having had a child with his dad too, I never got to see him again.

All of those were hard and difficult, and all required me to find parts of myself I didn't know I'd have to.

It's never that simple.

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 15:57

Relationships build over time. Of course you must be kind- but if you were together a year or so does that person take on parental responsibility so early on? Of course not.

On the dog post, that relationship seems to be breaking down because the father doesn’t like the fact the new-GF spends more on her dog than his kids? Of course one hopes that she is kind to them-but is it really up to her after 6 months to be paying for the lifestyle he wants for them, but can’t afford?

ChristmasCrumpet · 27/10/2023 16:00

Vikingess · 27/10/2023 14:15

I see so many posts here about people resenting their stepchildren and feel so sorry for the children involved. When you get into a relationship with someone who has kids you must know they come as a package and if you are not prepared to give them love and respect surely you should look elsewhere.

I love this "you knew what you were getting into" tripe. Because the answer is "that expectation that the parents would parent their child."

People don't have issues with children. People have issues with being expected to be an unpaid nanny, take abuse from the ex, have no say in anything to do with children they are expected to also form a bond with. People have issues caused by shitty parenting and unreasonable behaviour/demands, by the actual parents.

Backagain23 · 27/10/2023 16:04

Behind many* of those posts is a step parent who has been told a version of any or all of the following:

  1. You don't get a say what to do in your free time (must be available for childcare etc)
  2. You don't get to parent your own child the way you choose (ex does it this way for DSC so you are not allowed to do it that way)
  3. You can't go on holiday because it's not fair on DSC
  4. You can't take your child on a day out without DSC
  5. You must excommunicate your parents as they have not included DSC in their wills.
  6. Your DSC will hate your child as you chose to prioritise them in any way
  7. You must suck up shitty, bratty or destructive behaviour as the DSC have split parents and they aren't yours anyway so shut up

Not an exhaustive list but you get the drift.
Fertile ground for resentment, very little of it the fault of the children themselves.

*Obviously, some SP are just dicks, same as any other part of humanity

Laurdo · 27/10/2023 16:30

As others have said, it's never that straightforward.

You could start off having a great relationship with your DSC then their mother badmouths you and turns you against them.

Things could be good because initially you're not living together so only see the kids for days out. You move in together and dad treats the SM like a maid and unpaid nanny. Kids have no boundaries and run riot. Dad refuses to parent properly.

Situation with the ex could be reasonable but then SM gets pregnant or couple get engaged and the ex turns into a psycho.

Generally, the issue doesn't stem from the kids but from the partner. Having to deal with the result of lazy parenting, your partner pandering to his ex's every whim and prioritising her wants over yours, always having your plans cancelled, never being a priority.

It's all very well saying "you knew he had kids" but he chose to get into a relationship and if he's not able to manage his kids and a partner then he shouldn't have one.