Step children

[Vikingess]

I see so many posts here about people resenting their stepchildren and feel so sorry for the children involved. When you get into a relationship with someone who has kids you must know they come as a package and if you are not prepared to give them love and respect surely you should look elsewhere.

This is why I would avoid getting with someone that has children. It's really as simple as that

I always said that too as anyone I knew with stepkids always had issues with a crazy ex.

Then 3 years ago my wonderful gorgeous husband fucked up those plans! 🤣

🤣🤣🤣

Yes- I read it as she didn’t want SD as part of the bridal party, as she wasn’t family and she barely knew her. But she was happy for the child to have a role in the grooms side, which to me is more appropriate anyway.

but as always it’s stepmum hates child and doesn’t want her to attend the wedding.

Yes - you're right.

But I know I'd find it really difficult. I'm not fond of children generically - to me they're people, and as such I might or might not warm to them - but I wouldn't automatically like them because they're children.

It seems to me it's an extra layer of concern/uncertainty when forming a new relationship. If you fall in love with someone and then find they've got children...and you don't warm to those children...nightmare.

I don't know what the answer is! Be a good actor and do the right thing, of course, but it would be hard for me. I think bringing up children can be tough when they're yours - it must be really difficult if you don't have that automatic bond.

I agree with you 100% OP.

If (God forbid) something happened to my DH, I would never enter into a relationship with someone who had kids because I can foresee too many issues and don't need any drama.

Yes yes we do know that. What our crystal ball doesn’t tell us is how unbelievably mental and nasty and truely horrific ex wives can be. How you’ll get stalked online and receive abuse from people you’ve never met. How the kids are ‘briefed’ how you have to accept all the shit behaviours where they are in your home and you pay for everything and they despise you. It doesn’t tell you that your DH will try so hard and the kids won’t give a shit. It doesn’t tell you that every time an event matters to you the step kids will go out of their way to be there and ruin it.

I’m not going to love and respect people that do not love and respect me or my kids or my home. Who are self entitled and spoilt and actually damn right rude to my face.

So please pipe down OP, mate you haven’t even begun to have a clue about how absolute horrible it can be.

“People have issues with being expected to be an unpaid nanny, take abuse from the ex, have no say in anything to do with children they are expected to also form a bond with. People have issues caused by shitty parenting and unreasonable behaviour/demands, by the actual parents.”

Well said @ChristmasCrumpet

Yanbu IMO.

The callous attitude towards step children is probably the thing I've been most shocked at on Mumsnet. If this is reflective of views in real life I find it incredibly sad.

Ha ha convenient timing isn't it.

I heard a horrible fake Reddit story the other day about a woman who has 1 DD and her fiancé had 2 DD. She was the main breadwinner, her dd has a huge inheritance and the fiance was struggling financially and couldn't adequately provide the same quality of life for his own DC's.

Absolute recipe for disaster already.

The main takeaway for me was that blended families like this where the fiance was expecting his DC should also have a horse like the her DD just doesn't work .

It's honestly not that easy. Sometimes you can try your hardest and things just don't work out for whatever reason. It's difficult for everyone involved to introduce a step parent and if the child is resentful there's not always a way back.

I would never date a man with young kids. I would also never date a man without kids as they wouldn't fully understand what parenthood is like. So that leaves me the option of men with grown up kids who have their own homes. And as I'm 33 and most men in that category are too old for me I just don't date at the moment!

Not to add further to your anxiety - make sure when you do meet that man with grownup DC, you have your own setup, so if you were to move into his giant mansion and he dies and leaves the house to you - you will may have DSC problems 🤭.

As time goes on and more stepchildren grow up they will have been in the situation so understand and have empathy. I am a stepchild and I have stepchildren. One of the most difficult things in my life was losing a step parent, long after the death of both my parents. Another difficult thing was having someone foisted upon me and my relationship with DF always including SM. 40 years later and it's been one of the most stable relationships I've got. Losing my other step parent devastated me. So I'd say for the step children there can be ALOT of loss and attachments. I adore my stepchildren, I have known the 20 years and am very close, it's different from my own children but it's a loving beautiful relationship. Their DM is fantastic and no affairs were involved there was never any competition between us. Not friends or anything but no issues. It helps that my DH, her ex is a very calm, nice person who we both like! It's hardest on the kids, hands down.

Good advice! I'll keep it in mind 😆

it's not as black and white as that. I love my DH to bits and thankfully we only have DSC every other weekend but I honestly wouldn't have ever started going out with him if I knew what I know now regarding DSC.