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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doesn’t invite me

69 replies

OutsideEveryday · 27/10/2023 12:42

MIL and her daughter meet up very frequently. MIL works evenings and the daughter works part time so they hang out 2-3 times a week. Daughter has a little boy who’s 18 months so they go and do things like play centre, farm, park, walks, beach etc. I have a 4 month old and on maternity leave so free basically every day. I moved away from my family to live with my partner so his family are all I really have here (sadly haven’t made any mum friends yet). I think it’s unfair that my MIL and her daughter don’t invite me to come out with them? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
DameCelia · 27/10/2023 12:43

What did they say when you asked?

Thebigblueballoon · 27/10/2023 12:46

How do you get on with them both? Have you asked them out on a play date? I’d feel a bit upset and left out too. Perhaps they think the four month old is a little young for the activities? It’s not much of an excuse though.

StrangePaintName · 27/10/2023 12:48

Do you like them? Have you asked them to include you in an outing?

WiIIow · 27/10/2023 12:48

I think relationships between a mother and her daughter is different to mother and daughter in law. It would be nice to be occasionally invited. Do you invite them out with you? But I wouldn't expect an invite each time, it's a different relationship.

laylasayla · 27/10/2023 12:49

That is a bit rotten that they don't think to invite you along, especially as your family aren't close. However, I think maybe it's unintentional. Or maybe depends on what your relationship in general is like. I'm really close with one of my parents and we spend a lot of time together but it genuinely wouldn't occur to me to invite my SIL or BIL along to stuff we'd regularly be doing anyway. Could you suggest something for the three of you to do together with the kids. Maybe if you instigate it they may be more mindful and include you in the future.

GreenhouseGarden · 27/10/2023 12:49

Why don’t you invite them out?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 27/10/2023 12:50

Have you asked them to do something?
I'm guessing they do stuff because they actually speak about it.

PrinceHaz · 27/10/2023 12:53

if It doesn’t naturally occur to them, they are likely fairly selfish and would therefore not necessarily be the best company.
I’d focus in taking him to baby groups e.g. baby signing, baby massage, playgroups etc.

SoRainbowRhythms · 27/10/2023 12:54

I think you're being a little unreasonable. She is going out with her daughter! Why don't you arrange something for the 3 of you?

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 12:57

I think it's ok and natural for a mum and daughter to hang out without inviting anyone else.

Why don't you start organising occasional meet ups with them and then maybe you'll start to become part of the gang as it were.

Birch101 · 27/10/2023 12:59

With Christmas coming up perhaps all of you Inc your DH/P could do an activity together e.g. light walk and see if things change from there even library wriggle and rhyme would be suitable for both ages

CwmYoy · 27/10/2023 13:00

DameCelia · 27/10/2023 12:43

What did they say when you asked?

Ridiculous reply.

roarrfeckingroar · 27/10/2023 13:00

You can't expect a mother and daughter relationship to include you all the time

BoothsChristmasBook · 27/10/2023 13:04

"What did they say when you asked?"

🙄🙄

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 27/10/2023 13:05

I am close with both of them and get along really well, MIL is like my second mum and when I was pregnant we spent a lot of time together. The daughter has recently ended her relationship so I wonder if that’s why they’re spending so much time together, I completely get that mother and daughter want to spend time just the 2 of them. I guess what upsets me is MIL used to have time for me too and since sister in law has split up with her partner I don’t get to see MIL as much. Feel sad for my DS too because he won’t be as close with his nana as her little boy is.

OP posts:
Housechat · 27/10/2023 13:05

I don’t see that they are being unfair, but I can’t also see why you are feeling upset. I would perhaps ask your MIL out for the day or your SIL to start to build your relationship with them rather than ask to join them on their days out as mother and daughter.

FrenchandSaunders · 27/10/2023 13:06

I don't think they should invite you every time they meet but it would be nice once a week/fortnight. How about you arrange something and invite them, get the ball rolling.

ColleenDonaghy · 27/10/2023 13:08

If SIL is only recently separated, I wouldn't panic. Natural that she wants her mum and natural that her mum wants to be there too.

Keep the lines of communication open, organise occasional meet ups. The relationship will change again once you're back at work as you won't have as much time, and it will be more on your DH to maintain.

You'll find your way.

Incidentally - my BIL and SIL live 5 minutes down the road from PIL, we live over an hour away. PIL have fab, close relationships with all grandchildren as they're lovely people. Time isn't the only factor dictating closeness.

Aria2015 · 27/10/2023 13:32

I like my SIL and we have children the same age, I must confess wouldn't occur to me to invite her to join me and my mum when we meet up though. Maybe it should? But if she mentioned it, i’d be happy for her to join some of the times. So perhaps mention something to you mil casually, like ‘let me know when you and Sil are free, would be great to do something together’.

It sounds from your second post that your mil may be giving your sil some extra support right now due to her breakup. They might be talking about some personal aspects of it together and maybe one or both don't feel comfortable including an extra person right now. Like I said, I like my SIL but wouldn't confide in her the same as I would my mum.

It doesn't sound personal and is probably temporary. But let your mil you'd like to spend more time together, I'm sure she’d be happy to make that happen given you all get on so well.

MarilynSays · 27/10/2023 13:36

Take control of the situation. Invite them both to some play dates. Then go from there. In the meantime, book some clubs/baby groups up for you and baby to enjoy and you might meet some fab new friends.

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 13:39

Considering you live with MIL, it does seem a little off that she doesn’t invite you out with her and SIL every now and then. Does she just waltz out saying “off to have fun with DD, catch you later?”

However, I think YABU to expect the same close relationship and it’s normal for them to want to spend time without you.

ThelmaBorden · 27/10/2023 13:40

DameCelia · 27/10/2023 12:43

What did they say when you asked?

awful awful supercilious response -

1990thatsme · 27/10/2023 13:41

Oh, sorry, think I misread! You don’t live with MIL? Just near her?

Yeah, then you need to make arrangements with them but forge an identity of your own with your own new friends.

Quitelikeacatslife · 27/10/2023 13:45

Think you are being a big dramatic that you DS won't be close to his nana. He's a baby , the future will be what you all make of it. Just invite them to go out , then the three of you could do something. Doesn't mean they can't still meet up on their own. Best as well to go to as many baby groups etc on your own as is a great time to meet your own friends, so that family can be a nice extra and not reliant on them.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 14:10

How many times have you asked them to go out with you?

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