MIL doesn’t invite me

[OutsideEveryday]

MIL and her daughter meet up very frequently. MIL works evenings and the daughter works part time so they hang out 2-3 times a week. Daughter has a little boy who’s 18 months so they go and do things like play centre, farm, park, walks, beach etc. I have a 4 month old and on maternity leave so free basically every day. I moved away from my family to live with my partner so his family are all I really have here (sadly haven’t made any mum friends yet). I think it’s unfair that my MIL and her daughter don’t invite me to come out with them? Am I being unreasonable?

If you are close then probably they've seen each other a few times based on your SIL being newly separated and then unfortunately kept making plans in the moment.

I think it's absolutely fine to either create a WhatsApp group with them both give it a fun name like ladies who lunch and then say you'd love to make some plans with them both to maximise you mat leave.

It's very lonely with a baby before you find your feet and it's totally normal to feel like this. I remember being the same. It's just a hard learning curve. Quite often I think people assume you are busy, or tired, or doing your own thing.

Definitely make plans for yourself such as baby groups and rhyme times at the local library but also put yourself out there and issue invites and make it known you would love to spend more time with them.

I think these comments of 'you aren't her daughter so stop expecting so much' are pretty heartless. You're being left out and its hurtful even if it's unintended but also at 4 months you're just out the newborn phase. They maybe have been just getting on with things and waiting for you make it clear you're ready to get out a bit more now. So go for it. If SIL needs extra support then fine but I'm not sure that should be at the cost of your relationship with them both.

And I would suggest you find the days you can fill yourself with classes and routine first and then try to make standing plans with them.
Such as - Hi I've started a baby class on Mondays, would it work for you both if we met for coffee on a Wednesday morning or made some other plans?
I'm finding the weeks are very long with dh in work and it would be great to have that to look forward to every week.

The other option, which I prefer much less because I like to manage my own relationships, but is to mention to your dh that you have noticed they are busy together and it's upsetting you a bit. You should be able to have an honest conversation with him, he may have a bit of insight and he may be willing to have a bit of a chat with one of them and signal you'd like to be more actively involved with their plans.
This isn't an ideal way to go about it really but he also needs to accept that your support network is limited and be willing to help make sure you are happy.

Oh fgs let it go. How many more people are going to lay into @DameCelia ? MN is good for this. I expect at least another 10 people to ask about this like they are the first one.

No one has to explain anything to you.

Nobody has to explain anything to me and, likewise, I don't have to 'let it go' because you tell me to.

I think it's a really rude and cringe inducing response and am genuinely curious to know why posters do it. I can't think of a reason why, other than to disingenuously shame the OP for not being more confrontational. This style of response is never helpful and comes across horribly. DameCelia obviously felt some sort of annoyance towards to OP and channelled it into this crappy question and other posters have every right to point it out.

Nothing wrong with a mum wanting to spend time with her daughter. Don’t ask to tag along but do invite mil seperately for things that are age appropriate for your LO

It's a mother and daughter spending time together, I was in a similar position years ago and I'd never have expected to be invited. You're not her daughter, if you want to do something with them and both grandchildren, organise it.

Start by asking SIL if she wants to meet with kids

The thing is a 4 m/o can't really enjoy the same stuff as a toddler yet so soft play is no good for you

I am sure a play date for a 4 month old hasn't crossed their minds.

They’re already taking an 18m old to “play centre, farm, park, walks, beach” so it’s not like she wants to be included on adults-only cafe visits.

I can see both sides but then this kind of puts it in the middle to me- ie they probably want to spend time together but they should at least ask you sometimes! Saying that they may just be used to doing it a certain way so you should start asking them places! Also hope you meet a few people op, could you take up a class for yourself or something?

Not enough context, have you shown interest, have you approached and asked, what’s your relationship like with both, they are mother and daughter, that may not see that thing they do with a active 18 month old toddler would appeal to a new mum enjoy mat leave

Invite yourself sometimes if you all get on well. It might be that they're trying not to be overbearing when you have a new baby and have unintentionally missed the mark.

I would confide in both your mum in law and sister in law that you are feeling low and isolated. Don’t force the issue. Ask for their opinions on baby groups. They might be shocked to realise you feel like this. Don’t forget to check in with your own doctor on your own mental health too. PND can be horrible. Ask on your local social media groups for other new mums in the area who might want to meet up. You may be surprised how many are feeling the same. It will improve. Hold in there, you got this.

There’s a big difference between a 4month and 18 month baby.
They are probably chasing around after the 18 month, not sitting chatting.

I love it when MNers post like @DameCelia. Implying OP should be direct and upfront and because it's soooo obvious OP needs to grow a pair and ask to join MIL... but they never point this out directly

If you're free everyday, why not invite them both out somewhere instead of waiting for them to ask you?

I'd be a little upset too. It's probably totally unintentional but very thoughtless imo. A mother / daughter relationship is different but no reason MIL can't suggest separate meet ups with you too or invite you sometimes... even that they're meeting 3 x per week!

If I were you I'd focus on making friends at classes / groups etc.

I think they probably don't realise you'd like to join, more because yours is still a lovely stationary baby rather than a crazy toddler and they think you are still in the 'sitting quietly in a cafe or having a nice walk with the pram' stage rather than the 'Chase the toddler around' stage 😂. Let them know and I'm sure they'd be delighted for you to join.

I adore my DIL and my DD also loves her so we love hanging out as a three. Find something that works for the toddler and suggest the three of you go together.

As someone who was never invited out with my mother and my SIL - they used to leave me out despite the fact I’m the daughter in the situ please don’t interfere too much.

I now have no relationship with my mother because of it and nothing should ever come between a mother and daughter bond - unfortunately, my SIL came before me in the pecking order.

You could invite them instead? Maybe they are worried they are interfering and unsure if you would like to join them?