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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL doesn’t invite me

69 replies

OutsideEveryday · 27/10/2023 12:42

MIL and her daughter meet up very frequently. MIL works evenings and the daughter works part time so they hang out 2-3 times a week. Daughter has a little boy who’s 18 months so they go and do things like play centre, farm, park, walks, beach etc. I have a 4 month old and on maternity leave so free basically every day. I moved away from my family to live with my partner so his family are all I really have here (sadly haven’t made any mum friends yet). I think it’s unfair that my MIL and her daughter don’t invite me to come out with them? Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Itsgettingweirdnow · 27/10/2023 14:13

Hey Op,

Naturally the feeling of “being left out” is horrid but understand that a Mother and Daughter will have a different relationship then a Mil & Dil regardless of if she feels like a 2nd mum. Why don’t you try arrange a few outing with all of you and see if it sticks. If not, then please accept it x

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 27/10/2023 15:53

Thank you all for your replies. Thinking more deeply about it I think it’s more loneliness/isolation that’s getting to me rather than feeling left out by them specifically. If my mum lived close or I had friends here I would be bothered and this thread has made me realise that! It’s definitely not their fault or their problem that I’m lonely so will try harder to make some friends here.

Thanks again x

OP posts:
SpudleyLass · 27/10/2023 16:09

Why don't you ask to join them, OP?

I could see my own MIL doing this if I were to have another baby, but it would be because she respects my boundaries and wouldn't presume to ask.

sadforthem · 27/10/2023 16:11

MarilynSays · 27/10/2023 13:36

Take control of the situation. Invite them both to some play dates. Then go from there. In the meantime, book some clubs/baby groups up for you and baby to enjoy and you might meet some fab new friends.

This is great advice

BethDuttonsTwin · 27/10/2023 16:12

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 14:10

How many times have you asked them to go out with you?

More smarminess 🙄

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/10/2023 16:21

I agree the response re “what did they say when you asked” is ridiculous (but very common on here).

However, I think you do need to express to MIL that you’d like to meet up too. They might just not realise.

watermelonsugar56 · 27/10/2023 16:35

I think they’d probably love to spend some more time with you. Ok maybe not all of the time they spend together but you could casually suggest an outing and take it from there? If you’re close and get on well I doubt anyone is excluding you deliberately, they might just be wanting to give you your own space.

Also irrelevant but title reminded me of my evil SIL who literally excludes me from everything 🤣

Aquamarine1029 · 27/10/2023 16:46

BethDuttonsTwin · 27/10/2023 16:12

More smarminess 🙄

Show quote history

For fuck's sake, I am genuinely asking. There's nothing smarmy about it.

Relationships go both ways. If the op wants to be included in their lives, she has to make an effort, as well. If the op has never tried to make plans with them herself, they might think she's not interested in spending time with them and have stopped inviting her.

Maddy70 · 27/10/2023 16:50

Its a different relationship between a mum and daughter though.

Ask your sil for a play date , coffee, lunch etc

paintingvenice · 27/10/2023 16:50

Why don’t you invite them to do something?

laylasayla · 27/10/2023 20:24

OP that makes sense re loneliness. Can be so lonely having a v young baby and being far from your own family. Sending you hugs. It doesn't sound at all intentional and I think the SIL circumstances go a long way to explaining it. They'd be horrified if they knew you were upset. I think definitely suggest a catch up all three of you and take it from there. And like someone else suggested out to baby groups or join the peanut app if either of those are your thing Flowers

loseweightpleasegod · 27/10/2023 20:30

I made Mum friends easily but could take or leave some meet ups I was very regimented in my parenting in the sense that I would go to the zoo, the safari park, the science museum, the farm and all the other child friendly nightmare places pretty much everyday. I invited people but would often go on my own too. I think you need to change your mindset it’s time for you and your baby to bond (or tire them out 🥱) not really sure what my motivation was tbh all I knew was we had to get out of the house with or without company that was my mission in life!

cadburyegg · 29/10/2023 13:57

I think yabu a bit, sounds like SIL has recently become a single parent which is hard work with a toddler and needs her mum's support and company. A relationship with a daughter is very different from a DIL. I agree to invite them with you, set the ball rolling, although an 18 month old has very different needs to a 4 month old

Someoneonlyyouknow · 29/10/2023 14:27

I would try to organise some time with both of them, together and individually, as well as looking for local groups for you and your baby. SiL may have recommendations for good activities for your little one. Having a young baby can be very isolating (sometimes it feels like all the other mums know each other!)

Keeva2017 · 29/10/2023 14:55

“what did they say when you asked”

what is the point of this, there are loads of reasons people feel uncomfortable to invite themselves somewhere. Do you posters feel good being this passive aggressive?

Ohnoooooooo · 29/10/2023 15:03

It would not cross my mind you would want to take a 4 month old to a noisy play centre or a farm etc - but they sound like they like you so just ask to join in.

Kwasi · 29/10/2023 16:39

DameCelia · 27/10/2023 12:43

What did they say when you asked?

There’s always one. Today it’s you.

stichguru · 29/10/2023 22:36

I would ask them if you could all go out sometime. I get why you would like to do this, but I feel you are a bit jealous of the fact that your mother in law is closer to her own daughter than to you. This makes you come across as a bit self centred. I have a great relationship with my mother in-law, but I wouldn't find it odd if she did things with her daughters and not with me, unless she NEVER seemed interested in me. Also how active was your SIL in taking her baby to things when he was very young? Like if she didn't take her little one to very much when he was tiny, she might think you won't want to go - she's taking her LO to the farm because he is excited to learn the names of animals, but may she thinks it would be a waste of money for you as yet. When my LO was tiny we had some local friends with an 18 m/o and a 3 y/o and I would sometimes go out with them for mummy company for us both, but I can see that some people might not think that was worth it.

PloddingAlong21 · 30/10/2023 06:39

If you are close to them both and get in, which sounds like you are/do, can’t you just message them?

Hi X and X, hope you’re OK. I just wondered if we could maybe arrange to meet up more frequently the 3 of us. I’ve been feeling a little lonely as of late since moving this way and I love spending time with you both and would really appreciate it. Are you both free next week?

Darkdiamond · 30/10/2023 07:38

DameCelia · 27/10/2023 12:43

What did they say when you asked?

OP didn't say she asked them.

Is there a reason why you are pretending that she did? Can you explain it?

Because I, along with a lot of other mumsnetters, really want to understand this underhand, petty, passive aggressive trend of implying that the OP hasn't been direct enough.

So please do explain.

saraclara · 30/10/2023 07:51

Given that you used to see your MIL regularly, surely she'll not be surprised or put out if you just contacted her and said that it's been a while, and would she like to go out for coffee/lunch some time?

Yes, making some friends would be good, but you don't have to give up on her. She clearly likes you, but has probably just got a bit sidetracked by her daughter's marital problems. Just give her a call or a text.

mn29 · 30/10/2023 08:28

Read the title and was going to vote YABU as I meet up with mum and sister fairly regularly and don’t invite sil, not deliberately to leave her out but it’s not the same kind of close relationship. However, in your circumstances - both with very young children and you having moved to a new area, it would be nice if they asked you to join them sometimes, although they’re entitled of course to sometimes just have mum/daughter dates. Could you say to them that you feel quite lonely and you’d love to meet up with them sometimes?

Gardeningtime · 30/10/2023 08:30

I think op instead of being passive and just complaining to others, why don’t you extend and invite to them. Hey fancy meeting up on wed night for x event.

mn29 · 30/10/2023 08:32

Also, try to join some playgroups/ baby classes etc to meet other new mums, it’s an ideal time to make new friends in a new area.

AimeeD13 · 30/10/2023 08:36

I do get it as also moved for my partner but my MIL has always made me feel included.
I think though you may be better trying some mother and baby classes or downloading the peanut app and trying to make some friends.